Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Nachtsider, May 9, 2012.
I highly doubt that for a 40 year old like me.
I've been on Tinder for a month and I've only gotten one match, and it... wasn't really much of a match.
I have seen the exact same phenomenon with some relatives and acquaintances, where "seasoned" guys tend to hit a breaking point from the stress of life, and just lose any kind of drive or optimism, get angry at the world for being happy, etc.
A good piece of advice I heard some time ago is that everyone needs 3 things in life: something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.
If you're concerned about being ignored for football, solution number one would be to find a guy that doesn't like football. We're out there. We exist. I personally will NEVER ignore my gf for football (or any other sport or tv in general for that matter). I personally haven't heard of very many couples losing interest after 50 (at least not many that I know) and I'm almost 40 and I don't plan on giving up anytime soon.
Since I'm not sure what all I might say, I'm not really sure where to start. I'm twenty-six and feel like I'm stuck in the sort of drama and weird situations that should have ended with High School. Though I might also be blowing things out of proportion. Past attempts to open up on a personal level on forums like this haven't been the most pleasant experiences for me, so I can't help but feel aprehensive here...
I know that's not much to go off of, but... yeah...
Got a date back home Friday with the best girl ever. Well its the girl from way back when who had a boyfriend but now no longer has a boyfriend so ayyy
I'm older than you and I've met women who acted half my age, or had the mentality of a girl half my age....or both. Same drama that you're probably talking about. Only one solution to that. Get rid of them.
And why do you feel apprehensive? Too many "stick it in her pooper" jokes?
Ok, so, I think I'm starting to move on from my ex(never thought I'd say that) but stupid me? has fallen for someone who is interested in the other gender, that being said however, she's been with guys before, and who knows may go back(last girl actually beat her.....recently, in fact day after it happened she showed me a pic in messages on facebook) thing is though I just want to hold her, spend time with her and let her open up in front of me about anything(she's had a very bad year, ok, she has already opened up to me about stuff) actually same said girl that beat her also accused her of sleeping with me(i wish ^.^' ) so i'm a little confused at the moment, but who knows what the frellin future holds, i sure as hell don't.
So...why not just be there for her as a friend first? She's in a relationship. You know that. Don't do anything that would even put you in a position to have anything to do with having that relationship fall apart or end. You will be better off in the long run. Trust me.
Uhhhhhh!?!?!?! Have u heard of a train wreck before.
just do yourself the favor and walk, wait, RUN away! Find something normal and then proceed
Agreed +1. The benefit of realizing you deserve better than an emotional rollercoaster experience will be much better for you in the long run.
Ok so I've thrown myself back to the dating pool with help of dating sites. Still no luck so far but I am hopeful that I'll be able to meet a genuine person whom I can have many interests with and who'd be my best friend as well as lover. I am really not asking for much and I hope my lowered expectation will result in something wonderful.
Dude, that's great. But not to rain on your parade, but never, ever, go into it with "lowered expectations." Not only is that not really fair for whoever you'd be dating....but it can lead to a mentality of you just settling for whoever. Is that really what you want man? I mean, you shouldn't have outrageous expectations either, but don't ever think that you don't deserve to be with someone you do deserve to be with.
Oh I definitely need to lower my expectations because the problem with me is my expectations are always too high for me to get any girl. I want a beautiful girl who's about 5-10 years younger than me and who's shared my interests and is very considerate of me and my family. Now I am ok with women who's older than me and have children living with them, just as long we have chemistry and enjoy each other's company. If I don't do that I may stay single forever (not that it's a bad thing, but I miss companionship and intimacy)
Nothing wrong with being ok with women who have children. Hell, I've dated a couple. Some just didn't work out because either 1: she was desparate, 2: she just didn't feel like it was the right time, she was too busy, and she didn't want to make it feel like she was neglecting me, 3: man....she was like a doorknob....everyone got a turn, 4: well....we just couldn't see eye to eye on things and felt it better if we didn't continue.
Those are some of the things you could run into. But, not always. There's plenty of guys who find single moms and they get into wonderfully loving relationships. That being said, none of the guys or gals that I personally knew in that situation ever had "lower expectations." They knew what they want, they went for it. No ifs and or buts. No over-thinking it (kinda like what you're doing). No settling. You want a beautiful woman? Define beauty. Because I'll bet, if you were to ask yourself 10 years from now (with more life experience n such), your definition of that may change. Go and time travel back to when you were a horny ass teenager, and I'll bet that definition wouldn't even match what you think of it as now. Unless....of course, your definition of beauty is and has always been and forever will be only the "skin deep" definition?
In short man, don't settle. Go out there...and just get her. Be patient....but don't ever settle man. Reason being....I had a friend who did. But when she found out she wasn't exactly what he had in mind....oooh....can you imagine how hurt she felt? Now, do you want her to feel that way? Besides, the desire to be in a relationship is not only to have companionship and intimacy, but also in some ways...to share in your happiness with the other. Can you truly be happy knowing deep down inside that you kinda, more or less....settled because you sold yourself short?
You made a lot of good points. Unfortunately I am more of a visual kind of person, and attractiveness goes a long way in my book. Disclaimer: I am not looking for supermodels and such, but she definitely needs to be easy on the eyes and have a fit/slim body.
And knowing that I can be a bit shallow does bother me, and the only way I can convince myself to be more inclusive of other single women out there is to lower my expectations so I wouldn't swipe left on every girl I see except the really good looking ones.
LOL Well, nothing wrong with what you said to be honest. And if anyone said that looks don't matter, then guess what? They're lying. But I hear ya on the "attractiveness" part. We all want someone that when we wake up in the morning, we don't go "OMFG!!! *scrambles out of bed* WHO DA FU** ARE YOU!?!?!" or...if you're not the vocal type....you just quietly leave....
Don't let your own shallowness bother you. Accept it. But don't let it be the driving force of your decisions either. But it sounds like you're not. To me, beauty not only encompasses those eyes that you can lose yourself in, the smile that you just want to see more and more of, but also the personality! And there are a ton of women out there WITH those qualities man.
But here, instead of "lowering your expectations"....so that you don't exclude potential "soul mates" as it were...just be open. Simple. Effective. And it works. That's how one of my best buds found his wife (albeit at a bar), and they now have two kids. A son and a daughter.
I guess drama wasn't the best choice when describing my situation. It's more the general situation that makes me feel like I'm deeling with stuff that should have ended years ago. Though really, it's all on my end of things...
I'll try and describe my situation as best I can. It's going to take a while to get it all down, so I'll dedicate a new post to that. Hopefully it'll make at least some sense to anyone who bothers to read it.
Not exactly that joke, but immature responses in-general. Though what tends to hurt worse is a lack of any kind of response.
This isn't going to be the easiest situation to esplain, but I'll give it my best. I guess I should start at the beginning, the summer of 2012...
Things are pretty normal in my life. Meaning that nothing special is going on. At this point I've been going to this church on-and-off for about ten years now. I have big social anxiety issues, so I stick to talking to the few peiple I know.
One week I happen to notice a girl, someone I've never seen at church before, or anywhere for that matter. I'm instantly intrigued by her. She has a very unique look that catches my attention. Being the socially awkward and overweight nerd I am, I do nothing to make first contact with her.
Weeks go by and my best friend, the guy who first brought me to this church, begins to talk about starting up a small group. Considering myself a social outcast and shut-in, I consider this an opportunity to try and open up a bit, maybe make some new friends. A week or two later I'm instantly sold on the idea when I find out that the intriguing girl is one of the people behind getting the group started. Let's call her Babs.
The group starts meeting, and there's roughley a dozen or so of us. Some are there every week we meet, some come and go. Like myself, Babs is there almost every week. The group eventually starts to have get togethers at locations outside the church. Most often at Babs's place.
As normal for any group situation, I don't talk a whole lot. That said, I do start to open up a bit. One particular instance was around a campfire late at night where I opened up about a fear that my quietness could be mistaken as me not carring. She comforts me in this moment, likely as a friend, but my attention-starved emotions can't help but take it to mean more.
At this point I'm in full-on crush mode. I can't stop thinking about her. I even take my TV over to her place several times so our group could watch movies (her TV was old enough that it couldn't be hooked up to a DVD player). Being the rather unexperienced person I was, and still am, I don't realy make any moves.
Then some shit goes down between her best friend and a friend of mine, makes having the whole group together impossible. What's worse, my stupid but chooses THIS time to makr my move. She rejets me and says that she's not looking to date anyone at the moment. Of course my nerd brain takes this to mean that I still have a chance.
A couple of weeks later another girl from the group kinda makes a move towards me. I'm still crushing on Babs, so I put her down as gently as I can. This second girl then almost immediately turns around and starts dating another friend of mine (they recently got married).
At this point my best friend, and leader of our group, tells us all that he's going to be going to China to teach English for a year. Not really an issue to start, but we'll get to that later. A week or two before he leaves, we all have a bonfire at his place. Later that night it's just us guys there, and we get i to one of the few disscussions we have about "matters of the heart". I claim that I'm letting go of my feelings for Babs, even though I know deep down that the words coming out of my mouth ar utter BS.
Then he leaves, and our group pretty much crumbles. We have a good couple of meetings, but with the drama from earlier in the year, and our leader missing, we can't seem to keep things going. I stay friends with Babs, but we don't talk all that much.
Fast-forward to spring/early summer of 2013, and guess what? My best friend and Babs are oficially dating. He's still in China, but they start off long-distance. At this point I had already been trying to force myself to move on, so this kinda puts the last nail in that coffin.
My best friend get's back from China, and they happily begin to date infront of me. Surprisingly enough I seem to handle things well enough. I even begin to start to consider talking to this other girl from the group. She's really nice, and share's my interest in writing. That said, she and an old friend of mine were the two that caused the drama back in 2012. I hesitate and never do make a move. Oh, and she's Babs's best friend.
Fast-forward to early this year. My best friend and Babs seem to be fine, but out of nowhere they break up. Both are pretty affected by it, and I attempt to make sure both are fine. I'm easily able to be there for my best friend, but I'm unsure of how to be there for her.
As time goes on, things stay weird between the two of them, and it's obvious they won't, or can't, be friends. I make a couple of feeble attempts to stay friends with her, but let's face it, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Now, my best friend has moved on, and has been dating a new girl for a month or two now. A girl he is very happy with. I'm continuing to try and be there for Babs, but I'm not really getting any kind of response back from her. Meanwhile my felings for her are coming back, and I have no idea what to do.
To put it simply, I have feelings for my best friend's ex-girlfiend, and while I don't know if I can just let go of them, I don't want to make things awkward for either one of them. Meanwhile I do sort of have some feelings for her best friend.
Just the kind of messed up situation that I have no idea how to deal with... and sorry for the really long post...
First off, you're able to recognize now that it may not have meant more. That's progress.
Another thing to at least feel better about is that you're recognizing the fact that you misunderstood her intentions.
That....seems kinda...uhh...messed up. Not on your part though. But hey, they're happy. Who cares anymore. At the very least you were being very fair and honest, so that's something in which you can hold your head up.
Well....you did say you were letting go/moving on....
Sometimes being honest with yourself is the best path to take. It will make it easier to be honest with others.
That's twice you've hesitated. See the end result? There's a lesson to be learned here
Perhaps it's best to do nothing. If someone wants you to be there for them, they will call for you in some way shape or form. You already acknowledged that your attempts to be friends with her did not go too well. Perhaps that's a sign. A sign that if you ignore, may not result in anything good coming from it.
You have no idea what to do? I do. Two words. Back off. Why? You already said it. And I highlighted it in bold and italics for you. In short, your attempts do not seem to be welcomed. You have good intentions, but becareful. Just because you have good intentions, it does not necessarily mean it will be received as such.
The best thing to do is to stop. Take a few steps back and take your time to think this out thoroughly. Are you sure you really do have feelings for Babs? Or are you infatuated with the idea of being with her instead? Couldn't get with her, so you're turning to her best friend? Why?
Take time to think about it. But at the same token, try to limit your contact with Babs. Let her be the one to initiate contact for now. If she doesn't then, move on. Don't be the annoying guy that everyone mutters underneath their breath, "Why doesn't he get it??".....
And this little poem almost seems fitting here....for some reason.
"There are times I've suffered shipwreck in my journeys; In perils of robbers; In perils of false brethren; In perils of my own design. Yet, from these perils comes knowledge; Only from within may we truly shine."
Maybe it's because its 2am and I'm tired.
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