The Official TFW Heartbreak Hotel/Forever Alone/Relationship Advice Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Nachtsider, May 9, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Wolfguard

    Wolfguard Your own personal Jesus.

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2004
    Posts:
    4,601
    Trophy Points:
    312
    Location:
    Planet California
    Likes:
    +1,999
    Correct. I don't think about girls in terms of "hook ups." Never was and never will be my style.

    You disregarded AAAAALL the other times I mentioned when the girls talked to me. My current GF made the initiative to start a convo. Our mutual friend, another dancer, also made the initiative to talk to me. This last dancer - yeah, I talked to her first, but like these previous two, the situation still "just happened." I didn't go out looking for a situation where I could meet a chick and try to get her number, and wasn't "out on the prowl" for a relationship.


    You were in a bar, making conversation with someone, minding your own business, and an opportunity presented itself, i.e. a situation just happened.

    Unless you can quote someone, the only one saying the words "give up" is you. Again, things do just happen. They're in the form of situations, and from those things that "just happen," you are sometimes presented with opportunities. When you click with someone, that also "just happens," i.e. there's no overthinking and trying to filter your intentions - you are who you are. With regards to my current GF, yes, it just happened, both ways I described, AND on more than one occasion between the two of us.


    I've already given my description of them as "online bars without drinks," but like your casino example, if you don't play, you CERTAINLY won't win. Also, not all sites are "pay to play." One of my best friends is a girl I met online 5yrs ago, and she's much too classy to have been on the free site we connected on.

    But Dark Seeker has observed a great point - you're putting out a lot of negativity and dismissing a lot of advice. Sounds like you need to get over whatever anger issues you have before you date anyone in the near future. No one likes putting up with someone who's QQ'ing about how unfair their dating life is, especially chicks...
     
  2. supervir2

    supervir2 Feels like the kid in Big everyday.

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2004
    Posts:
    8,640
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    337
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Likes:
    +4,034
    Just read the last few pages and agree with a lot being said in here. For me, it comes down to being "open" to opportunities and knowing (to some extent) what you're looking for.

    From middle school through college I was pretty fixated on looks. Sure, I said I wanted a smart, nice girl but all my crushes were hot and I got shot down when I'd ask and got gun shy about asking. They were nice people and good friends in many cases, but they wouldn't have been good partners for me. My freshman year in college, in a study group, I met "the girl who got away". We really struck it off, I knew she was into me, but while I liked her personality and intelligence, she didn't look like my mental image of my future partner (ie, not hot enough). We became really good friends over the next several years and she ended up dating and marrying someone else (obviously). By the time I realized that I did find her really attractive (just not in the way I thought I would) and we could have been great together (still theoretical, I suppose), she was in a relationship and never left it. Skipping ahead 3-4 years, I met a woman who had been divorced and had a 2yo daughter from her first marriage. I'd never considered dating someone who had been married, let alone had a kid. That was so far from my vision of how things were supposed to go, but the way we hit it off made me feel like I did with the "one that got away". To be clear, it was different, but the way she made me feel about myself, the fun we had, etc gave me that same elation and I said I didn't want to miss out on that again. Next month is will be 7 years later that we're together (3+ since we got married).

    My points, if I have them, are just that I had to get past my idyllic hollywood notions of relationships and realize that I wanted far more than looks and that I was being limited and blinded by them. Further, I didn't realize how much other things played a role in attractiveness. I think there has to be some baseline level to give a spark, but add a little bit of attraction and then add time + humor + intelligence + confidence + x +y + z and that person becomes way hotter than the girl on the magazine.

    Also, being open to opportunities as others have said. I don't think this means sailing through life and a relationship falling in your lap. Rather, living life and putting yourself around other people...through work, clubs, meet-ups, friends, etc and being willing to talk with people. You can't connect without talking. You don't even have to be the one to start it, but certainly don't ignore people trying to approach you if they're not your type...you never know...they just might be!
     
  3. Scorponok

    Scorponok Kindness is no virtue and cruelty is no vice

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2014
    Posts:
    506
    Trophy Points:
    147
    Location:
    Tennessee
    Likes:
    +37
    Truly intelligent words spoken here and beautifully explained. I hope others here take your advice. From what I've read on this thread, this is what it really comes down to.
     
  4. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2011
    Posts:
    36,046
    News Credits:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    402
    Likes:
    +19,645
    The thing is, you have to tell the difference between what you just said and about 90% of the folks looking for advice on here have posted. You exuded confidence. Or at the very least, the surety that you knew who you are, and you realized what you wanted. You took it upon yourself to fix that one thing....that one very thing that prevented you from getting into a meaningful relationship.

    I keep reading posts that contain a certain amount of chauvinism and I can't believe that people still have their heads stuck so far up their rears in believing that nonsense would work. I kept saying that people need to first take a good long look at themselves and realize their own self worth regardless of their appearance. Once they can do that, then they can work on their appearance (if it were really necessary) with much greater ease than changing their appearance first. There's a whole method to that madness. I mean, wouldn't you want to work smarter and not harder? Especially in this case since people seem to complain how "difficult" things can be. Granted, we do tend to make things more difficult for ourselves than they need to be.

    I could really type out why you must first work on realizing your own self worth before anything else (you know...the soul searching that someone else mentioned before), but that'd be a TL;DR that I'm sure will be ignored (as probably with this post). But that sentiment has been echoed not just by me, who's currently single, but by those who are NOT single. Other guys have echoed this sentiment. Even several ladies of TFW have echoed it. Why is it that this sentiment is so easily dismissed? Why are people resisting it as if there has to be a more complex, complicated, and convoluted answer?

    But hey....whatever floats your boat I guess.
     
  5. Predaking

    Predaking Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2002
    Posts:
    9,991
    Trophy Points:
    226
    Likes:
    +4
    Great, great post. I am just like you in that I put too much of a premium on looks and age. I've had girls openly pursuing me in the past and yet I felt they weren't my type or not up to my standards of beauty (yeah I am shallow like that) so I declined. The girls I ended up pursuing turned out to be the bad fit so I guess I deserve it.

    Now I may start taking your advice to heart and just go with it regardless of age or looks. What I want for rest of my life is a great woman who'll be my companion for life and be my best friend.

    There's a 42 yr old woman that I met through Tinder who IMed me again after few weeks of silence. Not sure if I'll even get her number but it doesn't hurt to ask and see where it leads.
     
  6. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2011
    Posts:
    36,046
    News Credits:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    402
    Likes:
    +19,645
    There you go! Good luck man!
     
  7. Predaking

    Predaking Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2002
    Posts:
    9,991
    Trophy Points:
    226
    Likes:
    +4
    Thanks DS. I have done a lot of soul searching since the divorce and since then I've started to interact more with others and make more friends. I've always been socially awkward and closed myself to others, so the past year has been a blast as I made many friends through local meet ups. Now it doesn't matter to me if I will get a GF or not, as long I continue to enjoy my life and take nothing for granted. I think that's the right attitude to have.
     
  8. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2011
    Posts:
    36,046
    News Credits:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    402
    Likes:
    +19,645
    Right there guys......right there.......
     
  9. transformervic1

    transformervic1 HI!

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2011
    Posts:
    4,679
    News Credits:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    257
    Likes:
    +1,197
    1,000 times this.

    Ill go ahead and use myself as another example of this, with me being still very young and very single. The last GF I had made me feel ridiculously insecure about myself. I mean she left me, played with me, got with me again, left me again, played with me again, and even made an effort to show I was replaced. I've cut her out my life, (and it was for the best, I assure you). But that kind of crap can really down your self esteem a bit.

    It took a while, but I had to come to terms that I'm young and there's 7+ billion fish in the sea. But also, my personality is awesome. There are people who say they need me in their lives if anything because I make them smile. I love that, making people smile and laugh. It's why I have a youtube channel and want to be an actor. I can't be successful at both activities if I keep wallowing in self pity or waiting and focusing my time pursuing for girls to become my girlfriend.

    The point is, set goals. Find what you love doing as a hobby/career and chase after it. If you want, make an appearance change but do it because that's what YOU want to see from you, not some girl. And whatever you DO do, do it with confidence. I've seen happy couples despite an "appearance difference" so appearances really mean nothing, it's all about how you perceive and carry yourself and what kind of energy you're putting out there. Remember, people can sense if you're a mope or outgoing. Question is, which would you rather be? :2c: 
     
  10. Star Sabre James

    Star Sabre James The JUICE

    Joined:
    May 12, 2004
    Posts:
    8,177
    Trophy Points:
    362
    Location:
    Waite Park, MN
    Likes:
    +346
    Online dating sites are a great tool, however EHarmony was just pathetic for me. They didn't give many matches, and what few they gave me, a lot were from several States away (when I specified in my settings that local was very important). I only got tons of matches when I decided not to renew. Yeah, to me EHarmony was a joke.

    Match was slightly better. I did get a couple of dates off of it, though, it seemed like most profiles were fake. Yeah, all of these women have the same pic. After Match, I said I would never use a paid site again, and haven't. I'm just on free sites.

    Now, to the subject of how things can happen when you don't expect it. Yesterday I went to the State Fair with a lady I've known for over 25 years, back to when we were in high school. We had a blast, and we are really into each other, and she's a good kisser. Who knows what will happen with us. I do live an hour and a half away, and I work all the time. Her kids like me a lot as well, so we'll see. I'll just enjoy the ride while it lasts.
     
  11. The Zingos

    The Zingos Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2014
    Posts:
    737
    Trophy Points:
    127
    Likes:
    +85
    Had an argument with the girl I've admired for several months and had an argument on the first date, pretty much ruined any chance of a second date. At this point the acronym idgaf has never felt more appropriate. Take me for who I am or stay out of my life.
     
  12. SkywarpsNipples

    SkywarpsNipples ホンマおもろい人やね〜

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Posts:
    3,528
    News Credits:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    202
    Likes:
    +22
    Finally someone gets it. A lot of the desperate folks in here could learn something or two from this guy right here.

    *high five*

    What was the argument about?
     
  13. Digilaut

    Digilaut Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2008
    Posts:
    11,512
    News Credits:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    362
    Likes:
    +1,633
    Apparently you do 'give a f*ck' on some level, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this here, right?

    What was the argument about?
     
  14. tikgnat

    tikgnat Baweepgranaweepninnybong.

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2002
    Posts:
    28,148
    News Credits:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    462
    Location:
    Beneath the Loft, London, UK
    Likes:
    +27,033
    Ebay:
    Twitter:
    I'm gonna guess it was something along the lines of if you want to date me you're going to have to change something major about yourself, because I'm not willing to accept you as you are.
     
  15. Aernaroth

    Aernaroth <b><font color=blue>I voted for Super_Megatron and Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2004
    Posts:
    28,247
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    422
    Likes:
    +10,141
    Sounds like you saved yourself a couple other shitty dates.

    Of course, if you were an asshole and that's what led to the argument, sounds like you saved HER a couple more shitty dates. Tough to say without more details. Either way, good on you.
     
  16. SkywarpsNipples

    SkywarpsNipples ホンマおもろい人やね〜

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Posts:
    3,528
    News Credits:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    202
    Likes:
    +22
    Obviously, but it'd be nice if we heard the issue from the horses mouth.
     
  17. The Zingos

    The Zingos Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2014
    Posts:
    737
    Trophy Points:
    127
    Likes:
    +85
    It was over something stupid. I took her to see GotG (paid for tickets, popcorn, and drinks myself...and drove there) and she started with a bunch of sjw crap, somewhat based on what was going on in the movie but in actuality just making issues out of nonissues like a typical sjw warrior. Anyway, that led to a bigger argument and I was half tempted to let her take a cab home but I drove her back. Haven't talked to her since and I do not care.
     
  18. Aernaroth

    Aernaroth <b><font color=blue>I voted for Super_Megatron and Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2004
    Posts:
    28,247
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    422
    Likes:
    +10,141
    Be more specific. What kind of "SJW Warrior" (a redundancy, btw) stuff?
     
  19. The Zingos

    The Zingos Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2014
    Posts:
    737
    Trophy Points:
    127
    Likes:
    +85
    I don't even know, man, just harping Chris Pratt's just another white guy lead or the female characters are there for sex appeal. You don't need to over-analyze every little thing about a movie, just be entertained by it like everyone else in the theater. That's how the argument started. Then she wanted to leave the theater but I wasn't going to because I paid for the tickets. If you want to sit out in the lobby until the movie is done, then fine. Better to find out a person's negative flaws early on then later I guess.
     
  20. SkywarpsNipples

    SkywarpsNipples ホンマおもろい人やね〜

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Posts:
    3,528
    News Credits:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    202
    Likes:
    +22
    Sounds like you were going on a date with femmebotfangirl :lol 

    Ehhh unless you count the money you spent, it's not really a big loss on your part. It sounds like she was a drama queen to begin with and trust me, there's no need for people like that in your life, specifically where romance is concerned.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.