PRE-MOVIE MUSING: ​

So first up, a heartfelt universal greeting and thanks for tuning in! Just a short foreword real quick (except for YOU, fidgeting in your seat waiting for the film to start, only to realise you're already low on popcorn and need the Gents again after that last swig of Dr. Pepper. Quick! It's just a dull-ass O2/Redbull ad. You can make it ... )

Having checked first with the mods, it’s important for the sake of board rules I consign a big part of the backstory for this project to the link in my signature below (in blue.) If you’d like to know part of the reason why I’m doing it and what it means to me here & now in the latter half of 2020 then by all means be so kind as to have a read.

EDIT: 29/3/21: GoFundMe link connected this project now closed.

The plan, if things go well, is to add a new installment (of 6) every fortnight in the run up to Xmas, by which point all shall indeed be one (albeit, in a topsy-turvy retelling of a story you may THINK you know.)

That said and out of the way, what's here is here first & foremost because I love doing it and adore my memories of Transformers this year more than ever - not least, on account of that lady gone from my life at the dawning of the pandemic who made it all possible: who first bought me Jazz & Thundercracker one glorious Xmas in '84, thinking it was a passing craze, and didn't know I'd never look back.

Did I nag her 'til her ears bled to take me to see the animated movie in '86? Yes. Yes, I did. And as for this take, well, it was written very much with TFW2005 in mind so it's my hope that other like-minded '86-ers enjoy it. If you can’t share this kind of nerdist content with a specific nerdist fanbase, well, then frankly what’s the point?   

Rejoice '86 movie nerds! There will be General Hermann Shockwave signing eleventh hour surrender terms; there will be a Reflector cameo on the infamous doomed shuttle, tragic Starscream backstory in the run up to his abortive leadership gambit (well, I say "tragic"...  ) and rampant scraplet infestations in no way reminiscent of the times in which we live.

So without further delay/ado … I give you ... er ... GONG MAN!





Alright, I give you ... a slight delay.

PART#1 COMING TOMORROW!

~ SHN

 

​

-PART ONE-
"BY ZEUS' BEARD!"​

FADE IN

EXT. THE COLD ABANDONMENT OF SPACE

A monster planet of infinite size, mass and pincer-potential moves silently through deep space. Passing up the stone plate planet of LITHOGRAPH, it hones in on its sister planet, LITHONE: a far tastier hors d’oeuvre.

ZOOM IN

EXT. CENTRAL MALL, THE PLANET LITHONE - DAY

Bearded infants frollick safely near an unattended escalator as their hirsute mothers stand idly by discussing the fine weather in chic garb of magenta and magenta-brown: the only pastel shades available at Lithonian fashion retailers.

DISSOLVE TO

INT. LABORATORY

A pair of bearded scientists belonging to what is now becoming abundantly clear are a predominantly BEARDED race proceed with an experiment - expert beaker analysts testing two brightly coloured fluids: PINK for accelerated beard growth; PURPLE to harness the power of the Lithonian beard to produce immortality.

Just then, a deafening woosh and rumble sends them crashing to the floor. There goes that scientific breakthrough.

GANGLUS
Professori, look!
It’s VACUUMICRON!​

GANGLUS & PROFESSOR COSINE squint through the lab window at the vast left pincer of VACUUMICRON anchoring to their planet, beginning suction on a multi-storey hover park due for demolition anyway, so let’s face it, he did them all a favour there.

PROFESSOR COSINE
Get to the ships!
And bring the formula with you! ​

CUT TO

EXT. LAUNCH BAY

TRACK the pair along the walkway as it crumbles and they narrowly make it to their ships. GANGLUS hands PROFESSOR COSINE the rolled up scrolls to the formula. They split.

CUT TO

INT. GANGLUS’ SHIP “MACH 3”

ANGLE ON GANGLUS’ terror-stricken eyes widening behind the control terminal as he taxies the undigested half of the runway for takeoff. Mirror/signal/manoeuvring, he can only look on in horror as a mother, three infants and a shopping mall escalator blow across his path.

SUCTION FODDER
Heeelp ussss!!!
​

High above them -an infinite white light its centrepoint- the insatiable maw of VACUUMICRON processes the entrails of their planet through his great dust bag and HEPA filters: their friends, their pets, their loved ones.. breakthroughs in beard technology more advanced than Gillette will ever know.

BACK TO

INT. MACH 3

GANGLUS
Litho sanctotum! I made it!
Hah! In your FACE, Vacuumicron!​

Hot on his heels about to also clear the soul-sucking traction, PROFESSOR COSINE follows suit, albeit making the unforced error of a tangental approach rather than his signature move equal to the ratio of the side adjacent to an acute angle to the hypotenuse. He is toast.

PROFESSOR COSINE
GANGLUSSS! YEEEAAAARRRRRRGH!!!​

All hope and the formula lost, COSINE’s craft is immediately ingested, but a single speck of garlic to the feast. Despairing, his lab assistant can only blink to miss the instantaneous horror in the rearview, his mentor sucked into the void at approximately the speed of light in a vacuum - or for any astrophysicists out there: 299792458 m/s.

GANGLUS
(to self)
Sharp beard, sharp mind,
Sharp beard, sharp mind..​

GANGLUS strokes his forked goatee to steel his nerves; a hand of freakish Fu Manchu fingernails to match his facial hair pauses over the transmitter.

GANGLUS
(dialling)
Hello operator? Universal
Patent office, please.
Without delay.​

Reaching behind a sprung valve in his chest, he twists open a camshaft to procure a glowing purple vial he stows beneath the dash.

And out there - sated for now but not for long - VACUUMICRON’s planetary ring attachment illuminates, cruising ever on into an unsuspecting galaxy.

FADE UP MUSIC:

“Don’t Fear The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult.


DISSOLVE TO

A twirling spirograph of cosmic mindf*ckery.

V.O. NOT VINCENT PRICE

THERE'S AN EVIL NEW SOUL-SUCKER IN THE GALAXY:
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TREMBLING TO THE DIETARY
REQUIREMENTS OF A MONSTER PLANET CAPABLE OF
VACCUUMING UP EVERY SOLAR SYSTEM, PEACE-LOVING
ECOSYSTEM AND MAGENTA COLOUR SCHEME IN ITS PATH-​

INTERCUT: TITLES flash onto the screen.

* * *

JACK PALANCE AS
“VACUUMICRON”!


NON-UNION PETER CULLEN IMPERSONATOR AS
“AUTONOMOUS PRIME”​

FRANK WELKER AS
“DON'T CALL ME 'BOOGERTRON'!”​

ERNEST BORGNINE AS
“ZIMMER”


LOU FERRINGO AS
“JAWLOCK”​

ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL AS
“FENDER-BENDER”​

RICKY SCHRODER AS
“ZACK”​

GEORGE PEPPARD AS
“ULTRA MAXSTACKS”​

DIRK BENEDICT AS
“SWINGER”​

LARVELL JONES HUMAN BEAT BOX AS
“BOOM-BOX”​

ROSANNA ARQUETTE AS
“ARQUETTE”


PETER FONDA AS
“GREASY-RIDER”​

THAT WEIRD BLOKE FROM THE GOONIES AS
“THE FOREMAN”​

* * *​

V.O. NOT VINCENT PRICE

MEANWHILE, IN THE YEAR 2005, THE TREACHEROUS
DECEPTIBOTS HAVE CONQUERED PLANET CYBERTRON.
BUT FROM SECRET STAGING GROUNDS ON TWO OF
ITS SITTING DUCKS, I MEAN "MOONS", THE VALIANT
AUTOCONS PREPARE TO RETAKE THE OCCASIONAL
WEEKEND PIED-À-TERRE THEY CALL ‘HOME’-​

CROSSFADE TO

INT. AUTOCON HQ, CYBERTRON - NIGHT

Texas-tough and snarling at the console, IRONBUTT surveys a monitor swarming with turquoise seekers and camera guys as per tradition for Deceptibot crowd scenes. Before him stands their iconic leader, AUTONOMOUS PRIME: The Duke, The Boss, the kind of steady hands the Mattie Ross's of the universe could rely on, even if he was the kind of all American hero who went all in for McCarthy and the commie blacklist.

IRONBUTT
Every time I look in a CRT, Prime,
my contrast fizzles! When are we
gonna start bustin' out full HD?!

PRIME
Patience, Ironbutt! We don’t have
enough energon to power a full HD
refurb! Which is why I want you to
make a special run to Autocon city
on earth, pick up a consignment of
recycled CRT's then smelt them into
energon. READY THE SHUTTLE FOR LAUNCH!

IRONBUTT
Your days are numbered now, CRT!​

IRONBUTT kicks his monitor, transforms, and speeds out to the shuttle, just as (hidden from view) an eavesdropping TASERBEAK flies back to his masters.

WIPE TO

INT. DECEPTOBOT HQ – NIGHT

Purple one-eyed jobsworth, GENERAL HERMANN SHOCKWAVE, coldly surveys TASERBEAK returning in the distance. Extending his falconer’s arm with expert precision, he turns to watch it land instead upon BOOGERTRON’s wrist.

GENERAL HERMANN SHOCKWAVE
Taserbeak returns, Boogertron.

BOOGERTRON
Welcome, Taserbeak! Unlike
some of my other warriors,
*coughShrillshriekcough* YOU
never f*ck up spectacularly!​

Overhearing half a thinly veiled insult, SHRILLSHRIEK turns from his monitor. Must have been an echo.

BOOGERTRON
MEMOREX! Play back
Taserbeak’s findings!​

MEMOREX
(transforming)
As you command, Boogertron.

V.O. IRONBUTT
“Every time I look in a CRT
Prime, my contrast fizzles!
When are we gonna start bustin’
out FULL HD?!”​

V.O. PRIME
“Patience IRONBUTT! We don’t
have enough energon to power
a full HD refurb! Which is
why I want you to make a
special run to Autocon city
on earth, pick up a consignment
of recycled CRT’s then smelt
them into energon. READY THE
SHUTTLE FOR LAUNCH!”​

Coldly taking in the scene, GENERAL SHOCKWAVE's unblinking eye surveys the preponderance of red and gold-trim in the Autocon video playback, abhorring the lack of purple in their decor. Disgusting.

BOOGERTRON
Muawahaha! You snooze you lose,
Prime! Which is why I have installed
Deceptibot HQ with full HD, webcam
surveillance and unsurpassable mp3
technology to FILM YOUR DOOM!

SHRILLSHRIEK
What about MEMOREX?? Magnetic
tape went out in the eighties!​

BOOGERTRON
SILENCE!!!

V.O. PRIME
“Now all we need is a little
energon ... and a LOT of
reconditioned cathode ray
tube generators!”​

ANGLE ON BOOGERTRON. He is enjoying this.

BOOGERTRON
More than you imagine,
AUTONOMOUS PRIME!​

<EXCEPTIONALLY SINISTER FADE TO BLACK>


FADE IN

INT. AUTOCON SHUTTLE - NIGHT

Fans Toys HUNK, MP-17 and IRONBUTT sit calmly at a control terminal delegating the throttle to navigate steady cruise control to earth. In a sudden flash of light, a blast blows out the near side of the shuttle. The dust clears and it’s-

FT HUNK
Boogertron!

BOOGERTRON
DIIIIIIE IN FULL 1080PP, CATHODE
-RAY TUBE LOVING LUDDITE AUTOCONS!​

FADE UP MUSIC

“The Ace of Spades”, by Motorhead

MP-17 takes a direct hit spewing a grim last gasp of flame. RATCHET is put out of commission beyond the help of Droids Sans Frontières. And FT-HUNK fulfils his Ram Man destiny with a last ditch battle charge directly into open canon fire. Muttering something about ebay scalpers, replacement parts and shipping costs, he expires: a ball of purple fusion smoulder to the floor.

BOOGERTRON
Nikonocon! I want pictures
for posterity!​

NIKONOCON
(as one)
Yes, almighty Boogertron!
(Boogertron)) (((Boogertron!)))​

Smirking in tandem, the skeevesome threesome transform to snap HUNK without his shoulder and MP17 without his face.

BOOGERTRON
AND HIGH-RES scans, Nikonocon!
No low-tech 24OPP shit here!​

SHRILLSHRIEK
This was as much a cakewalk as
leading androids to a picnic,
almighty Boogertron!

BOOGERTRON
You’re an idiot, SHRILLSHRIEK.
That annoying teleporting ass-
wipe who downed our S1 space
cruiser in the sea is still
somewhere aboard this shuttle
completely unaccounted for in
the remainder of this movie!​

Ears burning, GITANES appears from behind a charred pillar, smoking a Gallois.

GITANES
You mean.. THIS annoying
asswipe, Boogertron?

BOOGERTRON
GITANES! We meet again!
(*leans in to bum a smoke*)
May I?

GITANES
Go ahead-

MEMOREX
Boogertron!​

THUNDERCLAPPER
Don’t smoke it!​

BOOGERTRON
(sniffing filter)
Damn it THUNDERCLAPPER, you’re
right! Cunning plan, Autocon!
You almost took out the Deceptibot
leadership with a brazen poison
lung dart. So near and yet-​

GITANES
(finishing smoke)
Low tar.​

BOOGERTRON
SKYSTRETCHER! Disable his
teleportation Macguffin with
your highspeed warp console and
eject him from this shuttle!​

SKYSTRETCHER
My.. what?​

BOOGERTRON
You know! Your.. you two have
similar circus freak technology,
you must have SOMETHING!​

SKYSTRETCHER
You mean.. my time/space
continuum stretcher?​

BOOGERTRON
Exxxcellent!​

SMASH CUT TO

EXT. QUARRY IN GIZA EGYPT, 2549 BC

GITANES inwardly screams in silent existential agony, awakening as a limestone monolith, his face and distinctive head sculpt carved into the likeness of The Great Sphinx of Giza.

BACK TO

INT. AUTOCON SHUTTLE 2005 – NIGHT

As Deceptibots settle in aboard the hijacked shuttle, MEMOREX tunes in to Heart FM, NIKONOCON looks for a working USB port and THUNDERCLAPPER checks the weather.

BOOGERTRON
(ascending flight deck podium)

The shapeshifter has been
vanquished! Our safe passage
is secured! Fellow Deceptibots:
henceforth in this battle I shall
be known not by the third grade
moniker of “Boogertron” where
'Despotron' & 'Apollyon' were already
taken by third rate facsimiles of
greatness. But instead, a name to
strike fresh fear into our enemies,
homaging my gladiatorial origins!
Behold: “KING KAON!” Now Prime
shall taste his wrath!​

Turning on their still warm swivel chairs to lament the worrying prospect of multiple-personality hard drive degradation in their leader, if not one too many system restores to reboot him for battle, his rallied troops partially raise their fists to cheer.

DECEPTIBOTS
Hail King Kaon!
Hail the greatest browbeater!
​

Insulated from the rabble by Ratchet's frankly exquisite Classic FM headphones, MEMOREX takes five from drivetime to share a thought with his leader.

MEMOREX
Lord Kaonotron, uh...
<<erase, rewind>>
"Lord Kaon"-

BOOGERTRON
KING KAON, Memorex. Proceed.

MEMOREX
My optical analysis advises urgent
holographic obfuscation of
exterior damage to the shuttle
fuselage to negate Autocon early
warning systems-

SKYSTRETCHER
Just used the last one, bud.
Sorry. That shit ain't cheap.

BOOGERTRON
No matter! King Kaon is king
of ambush, king of the skies,
and do you know what else he's
king of-?​

SKYSTRETCHER shrugs. MEMOREX maintains a dignified silence.

BOOGERTRON
Blaggery!
​

Stepping down from the podium, smirking to himself, the master of disaster retrieves the dog end GITANES dropped on the holodeck, takes it to his cold metal lips and inhales. SHRILLSHRIEK joins him to vent his intakes.

BOOGERTRON
(gazing out into deep space)

Silence after carnage, Shrillshriek.
Reminds me of a dream I once had...
about Primus. Through an ash cloud of
our enemies and the cold embrace
of space, he was willing me to live.
But then it wasn’t Primus I was
face to face with - only victory.​

Examining choice stills of NIKONOCON’s nefarious handiwork he chuckles to himself as something tugs at his ankle.

IRONBUTT
(Still drawing breath)
NOOOOOOOO!​

BOOGERTRON looks down, sneers, and points his fusion canon directly at IRONBUTT’s head.

BOOGERTRON
Behold: the king grants you mercy,
Autocon, and the only look befitting
of a loyal G1 carbot-
​

IRONBUTT’s head departs his shoulders as BOOGERTRON indulges vintage “muwahahahaha”-ing to deliver the coup de grâce:

BOOGERTRON
Toy-accuracy! ​

FADE UP MUSIC

<FADE TO BLACK>

~END OF PART 1~
*INTERMISSION*​

 

LOL man, and I actually LOL'ed several times! This is too good. Obviously, I can't wait for the rest!

 

@Chris C137 @TigerBlade @Snaku @Sam @jackisking @ChromeMagnus @Dean ML

Check this out. Share if you want/can etc.

 

Someone's got a taste in music.

But does it have more cowbell?

I may be a pretty young guy, and considered by my parents to be a tad bit of an old soul. But as that claim seems to shine true after reading this, some of these dated references hit me and hit me good, hahahaha. I love it!

"MP-17", "FT Hunk", CRTs and trying to go to full HD, you keep hitting and hitting it to a T with these. Fucking lost it at "Memorex", though.

Though the best part for me has to easily be the final line.

Bravo, my friend. Bravo. Definitely keeping my eyes on this story here.

 

Cheers chchchch, David & TGCB - really appreciate the fact beyond words that those who've read it so far are enjoying the start.  

Yeah, seeing as its been my profile pic & user name forever, HAD to have the big headshot moment leading into the break that didn't just lean on the famous one liner we all know. (Though I'm sure others must've made that observation re: the irony of Ironhide's fate stacked up to his headless toy appearance a hundred times before me. Kinda obvious gag!)

Act 2 is currently shaping up beyond what I'd expected for it, so just enjoying upping the ante (and introducing our proper movie cast, obvs, not just the old guard present here.)
There is potentially one another Cult track planned for a scene much later on, TGCB, but alas lighter on the cowbell.    

Thanks again.
~ SHN.

 

Oh man I love it!!!    

Shared it on my Twitter I hope we can get this thing to blow up pal  

 

Wow, I really hope so Sam.   Thank you for doing that, mate.  

I’m having a blast already and we've not even hit Autocon city!  
Oh, the "off-script" moments I have planned ...    

 

Fantastic work @Such Heroic Nonsense! I don't really have a platform to promote it but I will chuck a few quid your way.

 

Thanks dude, really appreciated!

 

Donated. Good luck, man, you're off to a good start. Gofundme did not care for the fact I have only one name, I'll refrain from forwarding this to Drake and Sting...

 

Thanks so much Ikkstakk!   Sting's is for saving the rainforest, so bound to get more traffic.  

 

So far, so good. 

Can't read it all right now, will try to finish by this weekend.  

 

Thank you, man, I appreciate that.  

Needing all the shares, retweets & readers out there in the G1/Movie fanbase to build momentum and get the word out.  

Oh, and to ensure that ....

​

COMING SOON ...

​

.

 

Finally had enough time to sit down and give this a good read, I’ve been looking forward to it and wasn’t disappointed!

Can’t even count the times I LOLed!

This is some really great stuff and I look forward to reading more!

 

Thanks Samue1, always nice to know that people are enjoying reading. Part 2 is quite a tough and complex segment compared to the scene-setter opener (especially the many changes to the original story  ) but I'm getting there...  

 

You’re welcome! Can’t wait to see what you do with part two!!

 

It's fermenting nicely, dude.  

Wider support is proving hard to find so the words of encouragement mean a lot.  I may take down the link from the Seibertron forums shortly as while the mods there have been equally as helpful as they have on TFW, the verbal/actual response is better here (currently 700+ views but 0 replies there, which is odd.  Across threads generally the reply to viewing ratio seems v.low in their forums compared to here for some reason, and threads with thousands of views still have under ten replies. Perhaps they just have WAY more guests than registered users?  No idea.)

Hopefully, things will pick up with Pt.2 and those who view & enjoy will get involved. Reading & word of mouth are the real gold dust tbh, so that those who want to contribute to the GoFundMe without pressure or constant "help me reach my goal!" updates here (unacceptable both to me & probably board policy) are free to do so.

You only have to divide it by six to see what I'm gunning for to complete each part to the length & quality I’m committing to. Could churn out any old guff ahead of the fortnightly schedule, but frankly it wouldn’t make this a parody to remember. Nor would the humour and characterisation have 'gestated' for long enough in my twisted cranium!  

SHN.

 

Great work. I wish I had the throughput to create instead of perseverating on how much my job sucks. Thanks for the invite.

 

You and me both, Bill.