It's 12:34am and my dad is leaving around 4am to have heart surgery. It's a quadrupal bypass meaning I think they'll replace 4 arteries that are clogged. There's a really small chance he might die (most surgeries of this are 97% survival rate), due to his other concurrent health problems like kidney failure and heart disease and diabetes and hyperthyroidism. I've had a very, very difficult relationship with my dad. I hardly remember any good parts and all I can think of over the years are every bad thing he's ever done. He's had an affair with a coworker while at the same time he's a pastor for a small church, and he's acted lowkey like a pedo/creep towards my highschool female friends and stalked their facebooks and when I tried confronting him about it, he choked me in the neck, and is constantly bashing me for being atheist now and "going to a liberal college for a useless degree to get in debt" (I'm studying to be a music teacher and I think that is in no way useless at all and helps people), and how he spread my personal information about my depression and PTSD to his church who've all said this is happening because I don't have "God in my life" (I don't go to church anymore but I respect people in general that do that don't harass me), and told me that my mental illness is just a choice. This is all very emotionally heavy information I'm sorry to bring. I don't want to feel sorry for him but I do. And it conflicts me because he's done more bad then good to me and traumatized me more times than I could count. My mom wanted me to greet him tonight as it would be the last time I see him before surgery. He said a few things to me and that he loved me and I didn't say it back, I just said thanks and accepted his hug. This makes me think about MCU's Tony Stark how he made a device in the 2015 Civil War movie to alter traumatic memories. He didn't really say anything the last time he saw his parents alive before they were assassinated by Winter soldier. But he imagined himself saying "Love you Dad, I know you did the best you could." To make himself feel better about his regret. I don't want to live with regret. I've been hurting all my life because of him and also my abusive mom. I'm conflicted. I was crying just now thinking about it and how I shouldn't feel this way. I'm going to stay up until 5am if I want to say anything else to him.