My dad might die in 5 hours and idk what to say to him

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by stephenotes88, Jun 4, 2020.

  1. stephenotes88

    stephenotes88 Well-Known Member

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    It's 12:34am and my dad is leaving around 4am to have heart surgery. It's a quadrupal bypass meaning I think they'll replace 4 arteries that are clogged. There's a really small chance he might die (most surgeries of this are 97% survival rate), due to his other concurrent health problems like kidney failure and heart disease and diabetes and hyperthyroidism.

    I've had a very, very difficult relationship with my dad. I hardly remember any good parts and all I can think of over the years are every bad thing he's ever done. He's had an affair with a coworker while at the same time he's a pastor for a small church, and he's acted lowkey like a pedo/creep towards my highschool female friends and stalked their facebooks and when I tried confronting him about it, he choked me in the neck, and is constantly bashing me for being atheist now and "going to a liberal college for a useless degree to get in debt" (I'm studying to be a music teacher and I think that is in no way useless at all and helps people), and how he spread my personal information about my depression and PTSD to his church who've all said this is happening because I don't have "God in my life" (I don't go to church anymore but I respect people in general that do that don't harass me), and told me that my mental illness is just a choice.

    This is all very emotionally heavy information I'm sorry to bring. I don't want to feel sorry for him but I do. And it conflicts me because he's done more bad then good to me and traumatized me more times than I could count. My mom wanted me to greet him tonight as it would be the last time I see him before surgery. He said a few things to me and that he loved me and I didn't say it back, I just said thanks and accepted his hug.

    This makes me think about MCU's Tony Stark how he made a device in the 2015 Civil War movie to alter traumatic memories. He didn't really say anything the last time he saw his parents alive before they were assassinated by Winter soldier. But he imagined himself saying "Love you Dad, I know you did the best you could." To make himself feel better about his regret.

    I don't want to live with regret. I've been hurting all my life because of him and also my abusive mom. I'm conflicted. I was crying just now thinking about it and how I shouldn't feel this way. I'm going to stay up until 5am if I want to say anything else to him.
     
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  2. DouglasQuad1981

    DouglasQuad1981 Banned

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    You have my sympathy sir!
     
  3. KremzeekTyCobb

    KremzeekTyCobb Tears that soak a callous heart

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    Keep us updated!
     
  4. power3921

    power3921 Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with a situation like that. He sound's like a horrible father, but I understand that it can be hard to emotionally separate yourself from family, even abusive family. Still, if he's already hurt you so much, I think you're in the right to not let him hurt you again
     
  5. PlanckEpoch

    PlanckEpoch Red and black red and black

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    I hope your dad makes it, but aside from that...I don't know.

    I'm not going to shed a tear if my dad dies. He lives with me and I help out but that's all. We play nice but I'm the end the two of us know there isn't a lot of love.

    We never had a good relationship as I was growing up. Thought that was getting patched up after Mom's passing last year, it all came crashing to a firey end when he found out I am gay and he threatened to kill me on the spot. I'm no going to suck up to homophobia in my own house from my dad.

    You're an adult in college. You literally owe him nothing. He sounds like a total shithead. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy that will come around so I wouldn't stress about him.
     
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  6. Tekkaman Blade

    Tekkaman Blade Professor of Animation

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    Just say at least that you hope he makes it and general platitudes. Be supportive, just in case the worst happens. You don't have to be supportive of over all issues, just the surgery. Don't say anything you might regret. If it might be the last time, think of it as a last moment you might remember for a long time. Also understand that either way for the next few hours you will be very stressed, so find a way to keep yourself busy even if you can't relax because the stress can dive you nuts. Read a book, play a game, there isn't anything you can do but wait one way or another.

    If you need to talk about it after don't be afraid to. Doesn't have to be here. Just don't let it bottle up.
     
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  7. Sylent

    Sylent Making Cybertron great again

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    It's probably too late, but I would advise you to meet him and tell him what you posted and why. Explain how you feel and why you're conflicted. Hopefully, the surgery goes well and he will change his tune towards you and respect your life choices, aspirations and goals. Good luck!
     
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  8. Cherieessex

    Cherieessex Member

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    How did it go? Bro-in-law had it done earlier this year. Doing fine. Hope your dads the same.
     
  9. stephenotes88

    stephenotes88 Well-Known Member

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    My dad survived the surgery. He's been doing kidney dialysis for the past year (when a tube is attached to your kidney and sticks out your stomach to be filtered by a machine every night). But they had to switch to a blood dialysis treatment because his dialysis tube was in the way. His body isn't taking it well atm, he's vomiting and dizzy alot and can't talk much. I think he's texted my mom. I haven't spoken to him directly since then. About a year from now, he'll have to do a kidney transplant once he's fully recovered so the problems don't stop here. His kidney is failing which means it's very difficult to empty out body wastes, like urination isn't effective. So the dialysis tubes filter out water from inside the kidney and out into a tube leading to the bathroom sink.

    I work as a postmates driver and I haven't been able to work the past few days because I got a flat tire so I've been at home all the time, and I've been incredibly sleepy more than usual, on top of my increased sleepiness from depression. Woke up around 3pm for a therapy phone appointment, then went back to sleep for a nap and had a nightmare about volcanoes erupting in the area? Then got up again around 7pm and just ate and sat around watching TF War for Cybertron gameplay (2010 game not WFC siege) because I miss the online multiplayer and escalation.

    I stopped playing when my original ps3 broke down in 2017. But I always dreamed that one day I'd save enough money to buy my own ps3 again and relive my memories playing WFC escalation and get those dlc characters for FOC I never got to play as. I always yearn for things that reminded me of simpler and happier times before life became complicated with realizing your parents aren't who you thought they were when you were a child and with drama between friends now turned enemies, and overall from everything giving me severe mental health issues.

    The night I posted, I was messing around with my Planet x metallic Vulcun (foc grimlock), waiting for my dad to leave around 5am. When he did, I spoke to him again for a quick minute and hugged him again and said "thanks, love you dad" after considering what some of my irl friends said. I watched from upstairs as he went downstairs and outside with the rest of my family to drive him, not knowing if it was the last I'd see him alive.

    I think of him as a broken human, flawed and sad just like me. I hate when people say "well nobody's perfect" as a justification for some people being completely terrible parents. He's had his own upbringing problems like mother dying of childbirth and father betraying them by stealing their college fund. Mental health is heavily ignored on both sides of my family. My dad turns to religion hoping that everything will be okay after he's passed away because his life was just too depressing and too much effort to fix and now he faces the consequences of unhealthy living. Which worries me, cuz that shit's genetic.

    It's been a really tiring week, with other things going on like a bad confrontation with my brother related to this, and feeling heartbroken that I lost some close friends a while ago because of my mental health, and even tho I support the protests right now to bring positive legislative change, that much negativity is taking a toll on me.

    Hopefully I can fix my tire and get back to work and make some healthier lifestyle changes like some moderate exercise from walking my dog to help me sleep better. I fall asleep when the sun rises and wake up in the late afternoon.

    I think I just need alot of rest for now.
     
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  10. Cherieessex

    Cherieessex Member

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    Walking the dog is very good. Get yourself out as much as you can. Exercise and a break from your home. You can’t change how your dad is or what he’s done. You have a clear idea of what he’s like and why so the challenge is to just accept that and concentrate on you and how to “fix” you. Get the tyre done , get back to some sort of normality. Friends forgive if you really are sorry and explain why you behaved that way. The PlayStation start saving when you work. Just a bit. It’s a goal to aim for. Believe me we all wish to go back to a time less complicated but we just have to deal with it. Find how to make your life as uncomplicated as possible. Cut the rows with your family. I just say.. right I have to go, then I hang up. Or I physically go. I can then calm down without the aftermath of a row lol. They’re entitled to their opinions as much as you are. You just don’t hVe to agree with hem. Your dad is having it rough but you just have to go with it. You can’t do anything but be there at times. Stop looking too far ahead. Concentrate on the next few days. Simplify. Things will improve. Exercise work play.
     
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  11. kronatron

    kronatron Well-Known Member

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    My dad and I had a few really good fights back in the day. We then had a man-to-man and we laid it all down on the table.

    >I wasn't a replica of him, had my own thoughts and ideas that I was going to pursue, with or without his help. He didn't have to agree or even help me and I wasn't expecting him to but if he did I would be thankful for his support.

    >He had a lot of personality flaws which didn't make him the world's best dad but I understood where he was coming from and the efforts and struggles he went through to provide for us. It didn't mean we had to bow down at his feet.

    Once we hashed that out he saw me less as the little boy he raised and more of the man I grew into. This became important when he almost died of pancreatitis and was later diagnosed with Lymphoma. I took care of him and provided for the family since he couldn't and my life took a completely different direction than I had planned in order to do so.

    He was my best man at my wedding and we get along great today.

    ...Just because you're the offspring does not make your life decisions any less important and he must respect that. After all, you made those decisions, in part, because of how he was toward you.

    ...Don't sweat the atheism. It's so much more liberating and self-respecting than any dogma that would demand that you spend your life miserable, self-loathing and phobic of anything with two brain cells and a pulse that dares to have a free thought different from yours. Heaven and Hell are in the here and now and the only time you'll experience either is in the few years you have on this Earth, so why punish yourself for someone else's imposed idealogy? Nah. Better to enjoy yourself for what you know is good for you, just don't hurt anyone or be a schmuck to folks along the way.

    >Careful with materialism. It's ok to treat yourself once in a while but don't let consumerism consume you. That empty hole in your heart won't be filled with a new PS3 or Masterpiece Prime v5.0 with satellite cloud service. Now that my wife has (serious) medical issues of her own, it'd be really easy for me to push the reality of it down down down with me buying every third party bot on TFSource...but I won't allow myself to go down that rabbit hole. Not when I realize that the reason for me being in denial is because I don't want to lose her and there's nothing I can do. That having this one thing to control FEELS like control, but it's just a crutch, expensive and addictive, so I limit myself to a specific figure count and/or a specific budget so it doesn't get out of hand.

    Today is father's day and she went with me walmart to get some stuff for the bbq. I didn't even think about the TF isle until she suggested it. She hates TFs. But she kinda likes me, and I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for being ok with myself, in spite of everything I was ever told by IRL-NPC's.

    TLDR version:
    You are you, not him, and you shouldn't have to live your life with the same misery he has in his. It's not your job to fix him, he has to be responsible for his own shortcomings. But if you can build a bridge where you two have mutual respect and support for one another, life can be a bit less sucky.

    Best of luck to you, friend.
     
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  12. stephenotes88

    stephenotes88 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your kind words. Father's day and Mother's day has always been hard for me. The reality of it isn't as simple as a black&white, either love or hate scenario. I'll try to make something out of this day.
     
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  13. Zook

    Zook Evil Incarnate

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    Sorry if this is insensitive, but if it was me, I'd say good riddance. Maybe not to him, but that's how I'd feel. Just because you're blood doesn't mean you're obligated to love any family members, especially if they're total pricks like your dad seems to be.

    I moved to Arizona 12 years ago, and although we weren't on the best terms, the last time I saw my step dad was when I got my birth certificate from him. We hugged and I went on my way. I haven't heard from him at all since I moved, and I found out he blocked me on Facebook before I ever reached out to him. He was my step dad, but I called him dad. I don't consider him my dad anymore. He's no one to me. Just like my biological father. If I found out he was dying, I dont think I'd feel any sadness at all.

    I didn't go through what you did. Sounds like you had it way worse, so I don't think you should feel regret for distancing yourself from your abusive parents. If you can patch things up, that's great. Maybe this surgery will give him perspective. Another Civil War reference. :D  If not, it is what it is. Use your experience to better yourself. My main goal in life is to be better than my step dad. I wish I could say I've been successful, but that's my regret. I have a lot of work to do.

    Good luck to you.
     
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