Dealer burned all the magic cleeeeeaaaaaaan out of it.

 

Does that mean in this case friendship isn't magic?

 

DON'T SAY THAT! You'll summon LegoTFGuy!

 

Yeah, that's right, RUN!

 

*snicker* fatty.

 

Ah, I see the Insecticons are more nuisance than Evil, much like in either In Space, No One Can Hear You (Star)scream or Side B

 

If Mr. Chaos had Written ‘The Last Jedi’

Let me first begin by saying that The Last Jedi isn’t as good as some say it is and it isn’t as bad as some say it is. In fact, I have never been so conflicted about a film before. At times, in the theater, even knowing what was happening, I was drawn in and forgot that I knew who lived and who died. It got to me and pulled me in and it was wonderful. Other times, however, the story was either so heavy handed with his message or so riddled with plot holes that all sense of tension, excitement, and joy I was supposed to feel died a cruel painful death.

The issue at hand is that Rian Johnson, in his attempt to not be simply a rehash of Empire, fell into two major pitfalls: 1) He went so far away from what was expected that he alienated what people wnated and 2) His heavy-handed moments created cringe-inducing scenes that ripped away the greatness of the film.

I think the issue that we have here is that Rian wanted to tell a Star Wars story… but not a Skywalker Saga. By that I mean he wanted to do Rogue One or another standalone and tried to force those ideas into the main series. I’m not saying that originality wouldn’t be welcomed… but you also don’t want something beloved to no longer resemble what you’ve always known. That is why I feel the Force Awakens did so well, why Rogue One did so well, and why the prequels can be hit or miss. Rogue One isn’t part of the main trilogy series and thus you can experiment more. The Force Awakens, meanwhile, had to follow the cues even as it did something different. The Last Jedi didn’t follow the cues or respect the lore and it hurts the film.

And that is painful because there is a wonderful base that, with the correct write-up, could have made this one of the best films ever. But Rian Johnson took prime real estate and built a house of straw. What should have been a great expansion of the series felt more as Rian Johnson wanting to destroy the series and make it what he believes Star Wars can be. It is no error that the best line in the film is ‘kill the past’. That was Rian speaking. But he also made the same mistake the Jedi did: He failed to remember the past. And as such he has made a film that I feel could easily sit with the prequels as harming the series more than helping.

As such, what I am going to do here is attempt to show what this film could have been. How one can respect the past while also moving forward. Be different without alienating. Be bold but also homage what came before.

Much like my Transformers Rewrites my goal is to take the basic structure of the film and improve upon it. This isn’t an original story… this is me taking Rian’s draft and giving it a rewrite. Before he get into the details let’s cover themes.

The biggest theme of The Last Jedi was ridding one’s self of the past. The entire film, for those that dislike it as I do, feels like a screw you to the fans who enjoyed what came before. It is the cinematic version of ‘This Ain’t Your Daddy’s Star Wars!’, with all the lameness that comes with that weak sauce cliché. From The Force Awakens to the originals Rian Johnson seemed to delight in stomping on expectations and the past in the name of his ‘future vision’. I wonder how much of the film’s tone came from the confidence Rian had that he would get to tell the next trilogy and thus he would be the master of Star Wars in the future (ironically I believe we will find out within a year that Johnson will no long have his new trilogy).

But I feel this was an error. The themes should have been first the War Between The Young and Old and When Is It Time To Pass The Torch?. For the first we have plenty seeds planted that would work with that: the idea that the Jedi are outdated. The Republic should fall vs. Why Bring Back an Empire that failed? Master and Apprentice. High Command vs. the Young Bucks. So on. As for the second theme it feeds off the first: when is it time for the old to say “It is your time now” and when should they say “I still have things to do and you still have much to learn”

My take on The Last Jedi will focus on these two themes.

First off, the opening crawl is changed. The First Empire saw a massive, crushing defeat in The Force Awakens… and the Republic, while seeing their main government planet destroyed, wasn’t wiped out. If DC was destroyed tomorrow the United States wouldn’t be reduced to a few naval ships. As such the opening crawl would read like this:

It is a time of chaos. With the REPUBLIC’S main body of government wiped away and The First Order’s largest base destroyed the galaxy watches on as both sides scramble for control.

As Supreme Leader Snoke seeks to capitalize on the confusion General Leia Solo’s band of RESISTANCE fighters seek to ensure that the ghost of the Empire never returns again.

All now wait for word from Rey, the scavenger who has ventured to the far reaches of the galaxy to bring back Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, who might be the last hope…

The opening plays basically the same way but with a few changes. We get the retreat but it is clear that the younger members of the Resistance don’t want to do this, as they feel that they can stand and fight. I would have Poe mention to Leia that time and time again, as soon as the spot the First Order, they flee. He would state that the reason they defeated Starkiller Base was being bold and that ever since they have done nothing but run. Leia would say that they must wait for the right moment but Poe would say if they wait for a perfect time when there will be no death or suffering then they’ll be waiting forever. This replaces the dumb ‘on hold’ scene, as that truly feels like a Guardians of the Galaxy joke. Poe would then lead the attack with his young fighters, with the same results: the Dreadnaught destroyed, most of his squad dead. But here would be another difference: with the Dreadnaught down he would return to the main ship and ask for them to press the attack only for Leia to tell them no, they are retreating and they’d jump to lightspeed before Poe could say a word.

Poe would be greatly upset, saying that his people just gave their lives for nothing and Leia would say that they’d have had lives if he’d have listened to her; he’d counter that she betrayed them all by making their deaths worthless. She would slap him and demote him, saying that she thought he was ready for High Command but she was wrong; he would counter that if being in High Command means being a coward then he’ll stay in the lower ranks. Leia would watch him go and sigh, only to look around and see that while the likes of Akbar and Holdo are nodding in agreement… the young officers are pointedly refusing to look her in the eye. It would be clear that Poe isn’t the only one feeling she’s become out of touch…

As this is point we get the First Order stuff with Hux, Snoke, and Kylo. We’d get a bit different dialogue from Snoke, with him stating that Kylo, despite claiming that he is proud of killing his own father, still hides himself. He hides behind the legacy of Vader, hides behinds his mask, and he hides behinds the ‘faults of others’ to justify things he has done. He would state that Kylo chooses weak targets rather than hunting the strong and that he was only able to kill his father because Han allowed him to do it. Snoke would gesture towards his own ruined face and state that he doesn’t hide who and what he is. Snoke would then command Kylo to give him his mask, revealing his scarred face, and state he may have it back when he is no longer a coward.

Finn waking up would be different, as it would begin with Poe talking to Finn, with a doctor even commenting that it’s nice to see Poe there as its been a few weeks since he stepped in to talk to Finn. Poe would state that they’ll be seeing more of him now but then Finn would wake up and ask for Rey.

Rey meeting with Luke would be COMPLETELY different. Luke would take the lightsaber and quietly ask Rey if she knows the conflicted history of the saber. He would state that it was wielded by the Hero Without Fear, the man the entire Republic looked to as the greatest Jedi. As Rey would smile Luke would then add that it murdered 87 Jedi, including 35 younglings. It taken from the Hero on the planet of Mustafar, where Darth Vader was truly born, and waited in an exiled Jedi’s hovel for 17 years until it was given to him. Luke would state that he used it to stop an AT AT and trained with it… but he also held it when he was strong willed and arrogant and that cost him his hand. A boy that should have been a beacon of light covets it now and would kill millions to reclaim it. He would sadly hand it back to her and state that if she were wise she would destroy it. Rey would state that she was there to bring in back, as the Restistance needed him and he’d say he can’t go. Rey would ask why he would leave a map if he didn’t want to be found and Luke would state that when he first came here he thought he could come back… but ‘Yoda was right’.

Finn would be caught up on what happened with the First Order while Poe and the other pilots, who would playfully tease him for his demotion even as they all grouse about not knowing what the High Command is planning. Poe would state “Well, at least they can’t make things worse for us” only for the First Order to attack. This would go basically the same except there would be no Leia Poppins scene. Instead, just as Leia sensed Kylo moving not to fire on her we’d hear Anakin’s voice call out “LEIA… LEIA…. RUN!” She would rush to the bridge just before it was destroyed and would be injured.

On Ahch-To Luke would have dinner with Chewie, Rey, and R2, with Luke and Chewie sharing stories about Han. The two would sigh as their laughter faded and Luke would state that at least Han died on a daring mission and he would have hated dying an old man in his bed, surrounded by his loved ones. Han wanted to go out in a blaze of glory and he did. Rey would push Luke that he needed to come back but Luke would state he simply couldn’t. Going outside Rey would demand again Luke return and finally grab his shoulder, only for Luke to whip around with Force Lightning dancing on his hands, his face twisted in fury. He would pant as Rey would fall down, terrified, before he would gain control, whispering “That’s why I can’t ever go back”

The Holdo stuff would remain the same but there would be a greater undercurrent of the High Command, or the New High Command, not wanting to let the younger, lower ranking members of the Resistance know what is going on. Rose and Finn’s stuff would be the same but we’d get our first major change with Maz’s cameo. She would state that the tracking through lightspeed was dreamed up during the Clone Wars and that there is one being who can help him… but finding him will mean going to a planet even the Empire never stepped foot on. Rose and Finn volunteer and Poe helps them escape. Meanwhile we’d get a few lines where Hux would want to get other ships to lightspeed around and trap the Resistance forces but Snoke states they can’t as they are all in use trying to gain control of key planets. And Hux can’t risk sending even one ship into a double lightspeed jump as doing so would risk holding the tracking signal. For now they must wait, even if it takes weeks. It would be made clear that this movie doesn’t take place over 18 friggin’ hours… the Resistance is suffering a Long Defeat, slugging away even as they know they are doomed. The scene would end with Phasma seeing the ship Finn is on escaping and watching it carefully.

Back with Luke he would explain to Rey what happened: After Ben turned Luke decided to go to Ahch-To to learn why the Jedi always seem to fail. He would state that he’d learned from Master Yoda that there are certain places and planets that are strong with parts of the Force, thus allowing one to either hide or strengthen themselves. He would tell her to meditate (and none of the stupid mocking of Rey thing… that was painful) and as she did so he’d tell her that Ahch-To is a hotspot for the Light Side, so much so that the Dark Side can’t even feel it. Here Luke used the ancient Jedi texts, from when the Knights first learned of the Force, to explore the Dark Side, knowing that the light of Ahch-To would ensure he didn’t turn. But now he fears that if he ever left Ahch-To he would fall, for he know truly understands the ways of the Dark and the Light. As he would talk to Rey slowly she would slip into a trance before we’d get the rock cracking moment. Luke would tell her that he will train her as best as he can, for she deserves that much, but he can’t ever risk leaving.

Finn, Rose, and BB-8 arrive on a planet that isn’t in any records. Rose would state that when the Empire first took over Vader himself led an assault on the planet, killed everything that lived there, and then had all the records erased. After the Empire fell the New Republic, to everyone’s shock, kept the Empire’s stance on it, with Mon Montha even stating it was the only good thing the Emperor did. Arriving on the desert planet with redish sand and the wreckage of tanks, ships, and weapons nearly a century old, Finn and Rose would travel towards the coordinators Maz gave them. Entering a cave they would find mummified remains in the cave tunnels wearing trooper armor… only for them to hear click-click-click. They would turn as a squad of battle droids emerged before an insectiod alien, ancient in age, would emerge and ask “Why have you come to Geonosis… the graveyard of the Sepertists?”

Luke would train Rey to fight with the saber, mentioning that she is a natural. From the words he’d use Rey would clue in that Luke knows her and mention that Han and Leia seemed to know her as well. Luke would evade the question, stating that now wasn’t the time.

Back on Geonosis Finn and Rose would be held by Gorgle, the last Geonosian. He would state that his people created the great weapons on the Sepertists. But when the Empire arose Vader and Sidious came, stole all they could including the Death Star plans, and killed everyone on the planet save for Gorgle. He would lament that once he’d fought for Freedom from a corrupt Republic and now, even with the Empire and the First Order, his kind are seen as the enemies of the Clone Wars. He would state that he has spent his life scavenging the relics of the Clone Wars, showing crates full of old droids, trooper armor, weapons, and even a few lightsabers. Rose and Finn would state that they need to destroy the tracker and Gorgle would state there is a way… only for the caves to rumble. Phasma and the First Order troopers arrive and we’d get an amazing scene where Gorgle would send out his battle droids only for Phasma to utterly destroy them all before her and her troopers would take Gorgle, Rose, and Finn captive while BB 8 would sneak onto the ship. BB-8, gaining the beacon to contact Rey from Finn, would activate it.

As Poe sees another ship destroyed he’d finally decide that he needs to do something and go to talk with Holdo. But when he would arrive in the new High Command he would discover her talking with Hux about terms of surrender. Enraged he would blast the holocaster and accuse her of being a traitor. Holdo would state he doesn’t understand but Poe would declare that she is a coward and a traitor. Poe would state that he’s been working on a plan but Holdo would state that he is only risking more lives and order him put in the brig. As Poe is dragged away he would scream that she is a disgrace and Leia would be ashamed of her.

We’d get a new scene of Kylo training as Snoke watches on and he would comment again that Kylo is unwilling to do what must be done and that he continues to hide. Kylo would take out the training droids, his rage spiking, but Snoke would merely mock him, stating that even his anger is a cover, for it hides that he knows Snoke is right.

We’d see that Rey has continued to improve under Luke’s training and one night, as Luke and Chewie chatted about old times (with Luke telling stories about Dagobah), Rey would wander into his home… and find an old holopad containing a picture of her as a little girl with her parents. She’d come out and demand to know what this is about and Luke, with a sigh, would explain: When he was restarting the Jedi order he found a family… the Kenobis. They were related to Obi Wan and the youngest member, a little girl, was bright and brilliant with the Force. Luke would state he became excited seeing her, feeling as training her would mean he’d be able to finally repair Obi Wan. But his apprentice, Ben, felt that Luke was pushing him aside in favor of this girl. Ben had always been the Jedi Luke favored and he felt it was his destiny to be the greatest Jedi in the galaxy. Luke would state that Ben listened to Snoke, a historian of the Force from the Outer Rim, who whispered in his ear that Luke was preventing him from reaching his full potential. One night Ben took Luke out to train only for Luke to realize it was a trick: Snoke and his Knights of Ren had attacked his school, killing all the Jedi. Luke, enraged at Ben, would attack him but when he had him on the ground he wouldn’t be able to kill his own nephew. As he left Ben would declare that Luke was an old fool and Ben would be the Last Jedi… especially once Snoke killed that foolish girl. Luke, realizing the danger Rey and her family were in, called Han who managed to get a single message to the Kenobis: Run. Rey’s parents sold her to the junker to protect her, flying away as a distraction so that Snoke would believe her dead, as he feared what the blood of Kenobi would mean for his plans.

Once Luke is done talking the beacon would activate and Rey would say she has to go and tell Luke he can’t stop her. But Luke would state that once Yoda tried to stop him and while it caused him pain… he was glad he did. He only tells her not to let her anger and fear dominate her as they did Ben, Vader, and Luke himself. Rey would beg him one more time to come but Luke would state that he was afraid… and Fear was the path to the Darkside and forever will it dominate his destiny.

As Poe is dragged through the halls suddenly other Restistance guards would attack the ones holding him. Poe would rush to the comm. center and reveal that Holdo had betrayed them to the First Order with the High Command agreeing to it. The young Resistance officers would mutiny, with the older members fighting them, while Poe rushed to Leia’s room, fearing Holdo would kill her. Arriving there he would find Leia awake and tell her that Holdo was a liar… only for Leia to ask if Poe meant that Holdo HADN’T contacted the First Order on her command. Poe, shocked, would ask ‘why?’ and Leia would state that with age she has come to realize you can’t fight forever. That sometimes a life, even a flawed one, is better than death. She would state that it is the irony of age: those with many years left wish to throw their lives away while the old understand that it is better to live the life one is given. Poe would sigh… before telling her he had always looked up to her, seen the wisdom in her words… but that now he saw he was wrong. That at some point the brave Princess who had fought to bring freedom to the galaxy had become a coward who was willing to sell out the dreams of millions just so she could be comfortable. He would tell Leia and Holdo that history would remember them as traitors. After he was dragged away Holdo would ask if Poe was right and Leia would say it doesn’t matter, that they need to save as many as they can. As reports come that the mutiny is still going on Holdo would point out that what use is saving people who don’t wish to be saved.

On Ahch-To Luke would mediate only for Yoda’s force ghost to appear. He would tell Luke that he was his best student… and thus is greatest disappointment. Luke would be confused only Yoda to state that he learned so much from Yoda but failed to learn the lesson he’d taught Yoda: one could come back from the Dark Side. That it wasn’t the Force or anything else that made one evil… only themselves. Obi Wan’s spirit would appear and state that a good man could do evil things with the most noble of intentions. Anakin’s ghost would appear and state that an evil man could do a noble act. That it wasn’t the Force but the person… so what does Luke truly want to do?

Rose, Finn, and Gorgle would arrive on Snoke’s ship and Phasma would delight in telling them that they will die after the Resistance fell. She would taunt them that Holdo and Leia had been trying to broker peace but it would not come… the First Order planned to slaughter them all the moment they gave up, to show the galaxy that if you ever rebelled there would be no forgiveness.

Rey would fly on the Falcon and enter the ship the same way only for Kylo to be awaiting her. She would tell him that she understood why he did what he did, that she knew he was the reason her parents were dead. Kylo would throw out excuses but, echoing Snoke, she would tell him the only one to blame was himself for his hubris.

Holdo and Leia would talk with Hux but as they came to final terms it would be clear that Leia was having doubts. We’d see that the mutiny was quelling but for the older members of the Resistance it would pain them to have to lock up their own people who looked at them with hate.

Rey would be brought into Snoke’s throneroom where he would taunt her as he did in the movie. She would be in Force Cuffs and he’d explain that while he had never known the touch of the Force he knew more than even the greatest Jedi or Sith. He would state that he was building a better order, one that avoided the pratfalls of the others. He would also taunt Kylo a bit, about his foolish dreams even now of being a Jedi, when they were failures. He would tell Rey that he would do away with Skywalker and with him the Jedi and Sith would die and with them their outdated ways, leaving his order.

Kylo would then ask “Even the Rule of Two?” before using Anakin’s lightsaber to kill Snoke. Rey would take up Kylo’s saber while Kylo would use Anakins to fight the guards.

Gorgle would tell Finn and Rose that he’d believed for so long that there was nothing left for him to do but he was wrong. Making a ton of noise, the troopers would drag him out of his cell only for him to look back at Rose and Finn and tell them that whatever happens next do not become those they fight. He then activates a thermal detonator that was hidden him his body, destroying the troopers and the cells, allowing Rose and Finn to escape. They split up to find a transmitter which Rose does, sending a message about the trap. Finn, meanwhile, finds the crates Phasma took from Geonosis and opens one, eyes widening.

On the Resistance ship Leia and Holdo get the message and realize Rose is right as Hux commands them to fire everything. The ship is rocked and Leia commands for them to abandon ship, moving to save Poe and the prisoners while Holdo remains behind, telling Leia sadly that she doesn’t want to die running, she wants to fight one last time.

Rey and Kylo defeat the guards and Kylo tells Rey they could rule together forever. She asks if he killed her parents one more time and he finally admits his actions did… but she should see it as a blessing. He says that life is always trying to hold the two of them back: rules, masters, parents. That they can only become who they are meant to be by shattering the past. Rey states she does forgive him for his role in her parents’ death… but she will never join him. Because one needs to look forward and back. They can’t be stuck in one. Kylo merely ignires Anakin’s saber and tells her she is wrong. Rey says ‘We’ll see’ and uses Kylo’s saber, the two fighting it out.

As Leia gets everyone into the transports Holdo sends a broadcast over the loudspeakers. It is the speech she gave the first time after Leia was hurt but is now full of passion and fire. She says that it is the duty of people like her to make the galaxy peaceful for those under her command. And with that she rams the command ship into Snoke’s, the explosion knocking Kylo and Rey out and separating them.

In the hanger BB-8 and Rose search for a shuttle only for Phasma to attack them. She toys with the two, shooting Rose in her legs, but when she raises her blaster to kill her it is shot from her hands. She turns to see Finn emerge from the shadows… wearing the ARC Trooper armor Gorgle found. He puts on the Trooper helm and battles Phasma, defeating her and telling her she is a disgrace to that armor. He then helps Rose and BB-8 escape.

We get the same scene with Kylo declaring himself Supreme Leader.

Down on Crait, which we learn was an old rebel base, Leia and the High Command meet with Poe and the rest of the rebels. Leia admits she was wrong, that she allowed the grief over Han’s death and Ben’s fall to consume her, to sap away her fire and leave her hollow. She forgot what she was fighting for and that while sometimes it is important to seek peace sometimes one must be willing to stand up for what they believe in. The warning klarons declare the First Order approaching and Leia catches Poe’s wrist as he goes to mount the defense.

We see from the First Order’s perspective the base and the old ships launching out. The camera pans to a cockpit… it is Leia piloting. It is revealed that the old Resistance Members are flying the suicide run, leaving the young guard, the next generation, to search for a way to escape. Rey flies in with the Falcon and Chewie to lead the Tie Fighters away but Leia ends up the last one of the old guard alive and flies towards the cannon, shutting her eyes as it powers up… only for the cannon to be destroyed. She and Kylo both look up… as Luke’s X Wing zips in and takes out half the first order before Luke himself radios to Leia to get back to the base. Luke lands the x wing as Kylo emerges from the AT AT to face him.

Kylo, using Anakin’s saber, declares that he has surpassed Luke and that he will remake the Jedi into what they should have been just as he will be what his grandfather should have been. Luke mocks him: he is no Jedi or Sith but an angry child. He states that Vader turned to the darkside to save his wife. He did it out of love. He states others did it out of anger or frustration or greed. Kylo turned because he wanted attention. Kylo and Luke battle before Luke finally tells Kylo “If you strike me down WE’LL become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” Kylo stabs him and Luke instantly disappears… and then there is a great swell of light and energy that suddenly explodes, knocking Kylo back and injuring him.

In the Falcon (Rey saved them the same way as the film) she and Leia state they know Luke is gone. But then they hear “I will be with you, always”. Leia smiles and whispers “Luke” and Rey grins… only for Poe to state he heard that too. As did Finn. And Rose. Even Chewie nods.

They all look at each other before Finn holds out his hand… and Kylo’s saber, sitting on the holochest table, rattles. And other members of the Resistance do so as well… and objects begin to shake.

Luke’s sacrifice has returned the Force to the Galaxy…

…and the Jedi will soon return as we see flashes of people all over the galaxy hear Luke’s voice repeating over and over.

 

I was content with the Last Jedi in its original format, as I figured that the inevitable sequel will bind the deviance of this film and the adherence of Force Awakens together.

But now, thanks to you, I am not.

Curse you.

 

I am to displease? Lol.

As I said, the film is fine but it is deeply flawed. I took the base, fixed what issues I could, to try and make a stronger story.

I think my favorite idea is Finn in the ARC Trooper armor. I love the idea of Clone vs. Storm. I also see a small moment where Poe sees Finn in the Clone trooper armor and says it looks good on him and Finn states that once Clone Troopers were seen as heroes of the galaxy... and he is going to make them heroes once again.

 

We know Clone Troopers, 3 to be precise (Gregor, Wolf and Rex) out smarted and out fought Imperial Troops

 

It seems like most of the flaws from Last Jedi stem from the director trying to not be a carbon copy of the first trilogy since that was the only real criticism of The Force Awakens.

 

That and I think that he really would to go against what Star Wars is in an attempt to be different. Which is fine in a story like Rogue One... but NOT in a trilogy story. Honestly, I am waiting for in a few months the announcement to be made that Disney is dropping him from directing the next trilogy. There just is no way they will risk such a polarizing director taking on the next three films after Episode 9

 

Welcome to hearts of plastic you must be new here don't worry I will be your guide.

 

Lockdown WTF XD

 

Poor Jazz

 

Looks like Futurama's Hermes may have some stiff competition for any upcoming limbo contests.

 

Jeez, Lockdown just can't get any respect. But that's what happens when Trans Crazy isn't here to offer him popcorn.

Oh, and I guess there is one more thing to mention in this update:

 

Oh primus what has been wrought upon us.