Halloween Special: Optimus goes Trick or Treating

Discussion in 'Transformers Fan Fiction' started by SPLIT LIP, Oct 31, 2012.

  1. SPLIT LIP

    SPLIT LIP Be strong enough to be gentle

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    To celebrate Halloween I've written a little special with character from my Optimus story. Not "in continuity' of course, but just a little holiday special.

    Enjoy!

    -----------------------------------

    “Trust me, Botanica,” Optimus lifted the giant foam spider out of the box. “You’re going to love Halloween, it’s…. it’s magical.” He hung the spider at the top of their lodge. Behind him Ironhide spread out fake webs on the far wall and Road Rage sat crossed-legged, carefully carving pumpkins.

    “Whatever you say.” Botanica said. “I’ve done research on Halloween, and I don’t think it’ll be as fun as you say.” She picked up a plastic witch and looked at it. “I mean, it doesn’t seem like something we could really… take advantage off.”

    “Oh yee of little faith,” Optimus said. “You’ll be singing a different tune once the party starts.” He placed an arm around her and held his hand in the air. “We’ll be flying high with my new trick-or-treat plan.”

    “What?” She said.

    “Trick-or-treating.” Ironhide said. “Every year we dress up, run around town and get candy.”

    “Only tonight we’re gonna party afterwards.” Road Rage threw her head back and sang dramatically. “Part-ay al night long!”

    “But my information gathered on trick-or-treating dictates that said activity is carried out by human children between the ages of infancy and pre-adolescence and requires direct interaction with humans.” She said. “Like, face-to-face interaction.”

    “Ah, but that’s where our secret weapon comes in.” Optimus winked. “Road Rage, bring out the facsimile.” Road Rage tucking her legs in and rolled backwards out of the lodge.

    “A facsimile?” Botanica said. “The single most advanced piece of combat gear ever allowed for off-world use by the Cybertronian Scientific Community?” She held a hand up to her head. “And you’re using it to trick-or-treat? What is the matter with-” Road Rage leapt in, holding a stuffed marionette. Botanica sighed. “I should’ve known.”

    “May I introduce Houston, the Halloween facsimile!” Road Rage spoke out the side of her mouth and mimed the puppet. “Hello Botanica, I am here to subjugate your moral and social values!”

    “We don’t have a real facsimile, so we used Houston here instead. He’s made of straw and stuff we found in the junkyard. Isn’t he awesome?” Optimus said. “For four years now Houston has been our trick-or-treating saviour. And tonight is his biggest night ever as we-” Optimus put an arm around Road Rage and Ironhide as they all adopted serious expressions. “Our going to hit the entire town in our biggest haul. Ever.” They all nodded.

    “I…” Botanica didn’t know what to say, so she turned around before turning back. “Alright I’m in.”

    “Awesome,” Ironhide said. He waddled over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “This is going to be the best Halloween ever.”

    “I dunno,” Optimus said. “Last year was pretty radical. We all got on an ethanol kick and went swimming in the lake.”

    “But,” Road Rage pointed out. “That was also the year we found out none of us can swim.”

    “Enough chit-chat, the night’s wasting away and we’re still not in costume!” Optimus rubbed his hands together and disappeared out of the lodge.

    “Costumes?” Botanica said. “But, I thought you-?”

    “Oh that’s right!” Ironhide said. “You don’t have a costume!”

    “Mine’s super easy to make, so I’ll help you with yours.” Road Rage put down the puppet and jogged over to Botanica. “Any ideas?”

    “I-” Botanica gave up on questioning. “You know what, I think I have an idea.”

    “I’m gonna go get Jetfire so we can get going.” Ironhide said. “The sooner we get going the sooner we can head over to the Decepticons and get the party started.”

    “You party with the Decepticons?” Botanica said with disbelief. “Actually, you know what? That makes perfect sense. Forget I said anything.”

    “Costume roll-out go!” Optimus shouted from outside.

    “No!” Ironhide said. “We’re not ready!”

    “Then hurry up!” Optimus shouted back.

    “Alright!” Ironhide waddled in. He wore green scraps over several yellow-painted pans, plates and pots lined up and down his body.

    “What are you?” Botanica asked.

    “I’m corn!” Ironhide shouted triumphantly.

    “I don’t get it.”

    “I‘m corn, how do you not get it?”

    “Me next!” Road Rage ran in. She was wrapped in long trails of paper. “I’m Brendan Fraser!”

    “Brendan Fraser wasn’t the mummy, Road Rage, he fought the mummy.” Ironhide said.

    “Oh,” She looked at her costume. “Well I guess I’m the mummy!” The ground shook as huge footsteps made their way to the lodge. Ironhide, Road Rage and Botanica exited.

    “Behold!” Jetfire lumbered towards them wrapped in a giant sheet. “The eternal glory of Zeus!” In place of his cane Jetfire balanced himself of a large piece of scrap metal cut in the shape of a lightning bolt, with a crown made from an old Christmas wreath.

    “Where’d you get a sheet that big?” Botanica asked.

    “Most of our stuff comes from the junkyard.” Ironhide said. “But for Jetfire’s toga we had to steal a tent from some kind of festival.” He checked his words. “Borrow a tent I mean.”

    “So now where’d just missing Optimus.” Road Rage said, holding Houston in his little ghost costume to hide his dummy body.

    “Do I look like a cop!?” Optimus yelled in a gravely voice as jumped out of the trees. Around his neck was a long black cape, and around his waist was a yellow belt. A fabric cowl covered the top of his head with holes letting his antennae poke through.

    “I had a feeling you’d be Batman after our best pool tarp went missing.” Ironhide said.
    “Yeah, sweet, huh?” Optimus adjusted his belt. “I made the belt out of one of our tool belts,” He thumbed his antennae. “And the pointy ears were easy.”

    “So what are you going as, Botanica?” Ironhide asked.

    “One moment please…” Botanica hovered over to a nearby maple tree and placed a hand on it. She closed her eyes and concentrated. As she did her metal skin glimmered and a shimmer ran across her body. The glossy turquoise and aqua painted metal of her body were replaced with the image of bark and leaves. Her head was the only thing left exposed as her body camouflaged itself into wood and bark. “I’m going as nature!”

    “Lame.” Optimus muttered and was promptly elbowed by Ironhide. “I mean, cool! Totally fits you!” Botanica smiled.

    “Then by the Ten Columns of the Primal Vanguard can we just go already?” Jetfire huffed. “I want to get to the party!”

    “Alright,” Optimus said, he wrapped his cape around himself and flared it out dramatically. “Then come, my children of the night!”

    “I thought you were Batman, not Dracula?” Road Rage said.

    “It’s a very versatile look.” Optimus said.

    ------

    Optimus, Road Rage., Ironhide and Jetfire tip-toed through the bushes along the road, careful to remain in the shadows. Botanica slithered along the tree lines, invisible. Optimus waved behind him. Everyone sunk into the trees and ducked. A line of children walked down the road escorted by an adult human. Clad in their little costumes they remained oblivious to the aliens’ presence and carried on, the littlest lagging only briefly before skipping ahead. The Autobots crept out of the bushes and continued on, giggling incessantly to themselves.

    “This reminds me of when we’d sneak out of camp back home and hit the town.” Ironhide chuckled. “Except we were may better dressed, but about as subtle.”

    “I’m pretty sure when our forefathers came up with ‘robots in disguise’ they didn’t imagine this.” Road Rage said.

    “Quiet!” Optimus shushed them. “First house up ahead. Road Rage has point. Autobots, disperse.”

    “Watch and learn, sprout.” Road Rage winked at Botanica. She nimbly leapt over the fence around the small suburban home at the edge of the community. Staying out of the light she kept her footfalls as quiet as possible as she leaned over to the front door. Dangling the marionette as carefully as she could, she acted puppeteer to it to knock on the door. Botanica and the others watched intently as Road Rage steadied her hands as she kept her body out of the light. A human opened the door of the house and saw the puppet. Road Rage carefully danced it’s hands with a bag tied to them and quietly mouthed the words. The human, and elderly female, was seemingly oblivious to the ploy, and delivered one piece of candy into the bag. Road Rage thanked the old woman and walked the puppet just far enough so the lady returned to her house, whereupon the Autobot pranced triumphantly backed to her fellows. “Beat that, chowderhead.”

    “Why I ought ta…” Ironhide rubbed his face and made a squealing noise.

    “One down…” Optimus said. “Let’s do this.”

    ------

    “Well that was easy.” Optimus said as the Autobots walked through the forest up the mountain.

    “Sure was an amazing adventure.” Ironhide said. “Lot’s of ups, downs, trails and tribulations. We laughed, we learned, we loved.”

    “And got a aft-load of candy.” Road Rage held a large sack of tiny little treats. “Shame Houston got eaten by that dog.”

    “The dog wouldn’t have gotten Houston if you hadn’t thrown him away while running!” Botanica said.

    “I had to lose some baggage!” Road Rage indicated the size of the animal with her hands. “Houston was just holding me down. It was either him or the candy. You’re welcome, by the way.”

    “I think you’re missing the important part of my statement,” Botanica said. “You were chased by a dog. A dog, like, an Earth dog. Not some super-sized alien telepath dog.”

    “It was a big dog!” Road Rage said. “I’ve heard stories, news reports and stuff like that.”

    “Yeah!” Botanica laughed. “Because there’s so many reports of dogs mauling sports cars to death. I think you guys have been on this planet a bit too long.”

    “I don’t know what you mean.” Optimus said while fixing his cape.

    “Well, we have the candy, so I don’t see what the problem is.” Road Rage shrugged. “Besides, we’re here.” The Autobots stopped at a clearing outside the mouth of a cave.

    “I still can’t believe we’re doing this, but it’s in line with the rest of tonight.” Botanica shrugged. Most of them began to proceed forward, but Optimus held a hand up.

    “Wait…” Optimus squinted his eyes as he scanned the clearing. “Something’s here.”

    “What?” Ironhide whispered. “A Decepticon trap?”

    “Worse…” Optimus watched the bushes rustle. The grass stir. The leaves sway. And then he knew.

    “Possums!” He yelled. “Run!” The Autobots sprinted towards the cave as legions of furry rodents poured out of the trees like a wave of teeth and claws. The Autobots ran for their lives to the cave.

    “They won’t follow us into the cave!” Jetfire yelled, pointing with his lightning bolt.

    “Move!” Optimus ordered. The possums were gaining ground. Ironhide tripped and fell.

    “Leave me! Save yourselves!” He pleaded. Optimus turned back to grab his friend, waving the others to go on. He helped the stout Autobot up just as the rodents approached.

    “I’m not leaving you, man!” Optimus and Ironhide bum-rushed the cave entrance just as the possums caught up, only for the wave of fur to turn back as they entered the dark. The costumed Autobots panted and collected themselves after the brush with danger.

    “Wait…” Botanica said. “Why are they afraid of the cave?”

    “Because…” Optimus thought to himself. “You know, I never really thought about it.”

    “Whatever, let’s just get to the party before the ‘Cons start without us!” Ironhide said. Not wanting to argue, everyone made their way through the cave until they came across a metal bulkhead. Optimus stepped forward and knocked three times before a slit in the door opened up.

    “Password.” A voice said.

    “When the animals inherit the Earth, the only laws will be survival and being naked.” Optimus said. The slit closed and the door creaked open.

    “Glad you guys made it!” Starscream said. “Not really, but a party of four isn’t much of a party.” He opened the door all the way, revealing himself to be dressed as a giant ear of corn. He looked at Ironhide and slouched.

    “Aw, dang it.” He moaned. “Well, one of us has to change.”

    “Then what are you standing around for?” Ironhide shooed him away. Starscream sulked into the base, letting the Autobots in.

    “The enemy is at the gates!” Starscream called to Megatron. The Decepticon leader turned around at a table on the far wall, a large monocle on his eye and a to-scale bow-tie stuck to his collar. Capping it off was a handmade top hat. He held what looked to be a plastic jug crush into a wine glass shape half-filled with gasoline.

    “Welcome my most hated adversaries!” He greeted everyone. “Smashing costumes if I may say so!”

    “Hey!” Optimus waved. “How’s it going, bucket head?”

    “Swimmingly my dear boy,” Megatron raised a finger to Optimus’ costume. “Intriguing masquerade choice, a bit droll but elegant in it’s execution.”

    “And you’re the monopoly guy!” Optimus pointed out.

    “I… No you idiot.” Megatron said. “I’m an upper-class citizen as depicted by Northern American human culture and social archetypes.”

    “I should’ve guessed.” Optimus pointed to his upper lip. “Monopoly guy has a moustache.”

    “Greetings.” Strika walked up. She wore a mask lifted onto the top of her head.

    “What are you?” Road Rage asked.

    “Oh,” Strika sighed and pulled the mask down, revealing what appeared to be some form of mascot. “I’m a cat.”

    “Ha!” Ironhide bellowed before trailing into a giggle fit. “You look like Frankenstein’s house pet!”

    “It was the only costume left I could wear.” She flipped the mask up. “And we all have to wear costumes. It’s a rule apparently.”

    “Yes, as a sign of festivity and good will despite our opposite views.” Megatron put a hand on Strika’s shoulder. “That under the skin, we are all Cybertronians willing to respect and accept each other as equal individuals.” He leaned in on Strika. “Though some are more equal than others.”

    “Right.” Strika said. “Anyway, what are you supposed to be? A banana?”

    “I’m corn.” Ironhide said. Strika didn’t know what to say to that so she left, a fuzzy yellow tail dangling from her back as she walked.

    “Where’s everyone else?” Road Rage asked. “This is gonna be a lame party if this is everyone.”

    “Obsidian! Scourge!” Megatron yelled. “Don’t be rude, greet our guests!”

    “I’m not coming out dressed like this!” Obsidian yelled from inside the bunker. There was arguing and Obsidian was pushed out, hovering with his arms low. He wore a bright orange wig and had a large red ball on his face where his nose would be. “I’m a clown.” He laughed sarcastically. “I hate you all so much.” Scourge pushed past him.

    “It is the duty of a Decepticon to endure their orders with humility and patience…” Scourge said. He wore a poorly fitting werewolf mask, seemingly pilfered from some kind of oversized animatronics figurine. “Tested though mine may be right now.”

    “Well I think you all look wonderful.” Botanica and Ironhide held back their laughter.

    “Don’t forget us!” Soundwave and Starscream ran in, both wearing large patchwork articles of clothing. “Just hold on a minute…” Soundwave pulled a large mask from under his arm and donned it, and, with a few objections from Starscream, the two combined their costumes into some kind of animal.

    “Is it a horse?” Road Rage asked.

    “Is it a bear?” Ironhide guessed.

    “We’re a reindeer!” Soundwave’s muffled voice excitedly exclaimed beneath the fabric. Megatron rolled his eyes.

    “That’s Christmas you simpleton!” Megatron said.

    “Oh.” The reindeer looked down dejectedly. “Well then why’d a go to all this trouble? I didn’t want to even do this Halloween thing.”

    “I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to this.” Starscream pulled himself out of the costume. “Man, I could’ve been corn.” Ironhide made a mocking gesture.

    “Did we come here for a fashion show or a party?” Optimus asked. “Where’s the music? Where’s the lights? I see drinks not being drank and hips not being shaken, people!”

    “Yes of course!” Megatron said. “Soundwave, music if you will.” Soundwave nodded and waddled over to a piece of equipment on a table and pushed a button. Thumping music beats emanated from speakers around the cave while the floodlights above changed to coloured strobe lights tracing across the cave. The Autobots began to get down with the Decepticons, save for a disgruntled Obsidian and Scourge. Even Strika did her best to look like she was actually part of the fun, while Soundwave and Starscream didn’t need to pull such charades. The robots danced safely away from human eyes and ears in the Decepticons mountain hideout. Ironhide and Botanica torn it up in the middle of the dance floor, while Road Rage slow-danced with her bag of candy. Jetfire did his best to let loose without falling over. Megatron refreshed himself at the table full of assorted local fuels and Cybertron energy cocktails. Optimus joined him.

    “You know, even though our first meeting was your foot in the back of my head, I think it was really cool of you to agree to this.” Optimus said, pouring himself a drink.

    “I am not uncivilized,” Megatron said. “The fact that I beat you within an inch of you misbegotten life shouldn’t remove the option for mutual respect and admiration.”

    “Hey, as long as the time I totally schooled you and your pet psycho Shockwave practically by myself isn’t weighing down on the party fun times for you, I’m cool.” Optimus sipped from his cup.

    “Partners!” Soundwave yelled out. Everyone on the dance floor switched pairings and danced. Soundwave danced embarrassingly in front of Botanica while Starscream and Ironhide engaged in a dance-off.

    “You have to appreciate these early years.” Optimus pretended to wipe tears from his eyes. “They grow up so gosh-darn fast.”

    “Truly I have the most loyal of all Decepticons.” Megatron observed Starscream perform what could be generously described as break dancing moves before everyone was instructed to switch partners again. This time Ironhide was paired with Strika, who stared down the short Autobot.

    “Umm…” Ironhide rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ve never danced with someone bigger than me.”

    “Oh it’s quite easy.” Strika put her hands on his shoulders and grabbed him. “I’ll lead.” She picked the Autobot up and began shaking him like a toy. Everyone stopped to watch and laugh as Ironhide was tossed around.

    “Why isn’t Grumps McFrowny and the Wolfman getting their groove on?” Optimus asked Megatron.

    “Oh, they’re just shy.” Megatron said. “A little uptight. You know how proud warrior elites can be.”

    “No, actually I don’t.” Optimus watched as Road Rage spun around, stepping on he mummy costume and tripping. She laughed as Ironhide and Botanica helped her up. When she did, though, Botanica noticed something.

    “Road Rage,” She asked. “Where’d you get these bandages?”

    “Oh, they’re the old papers from that secret facility under our base.” She shrugged. “Why?”

    “Because these are seismograph printouts.” Botanica said. “For this very sector.” Ironhide waved to Soundwave to kill the music and turn the lights back on. Everyone gathered around as Botanica read the scribbled lines and information on the paper. “And they indicate something very large is buried around here.”

    “Those seismographs must be pretty old.” Optimus said. “They’re probably Jetfire. He was buried right below your bunker.”

    “These readouts actually indicate whatever this is, it is way bigger than Jetfire…” Botanica said. “And located outside the mountain’s footprint.”

    “Impossible, we dug all below this mountain.” Megatron said. “There’s no chance we could have missed something.”

    “Well, you did.” Botanica said. Megatron crossed his arms.

    “Well, what do we do?” Road Rage asked.

    “What can we do?” Starscream said. “That thing’s buried so far down.”

    “We can’t just leave a buried Cybertronian whatever on Earth.” Optimus said. “We have to find it and disable it, or remove it.”

    “But how, our driller’s broken.” Strika commented. “Ever since we tried to drill all the way to the planet’s core.”

    “What?” Optimus asked.

    “Long story,” Megatron said. “We were going to create an artificial volcano and destroy you all” Megatron changed the subject. “But hey, we can always use one of the many pre0existing tunnels and just dig our way to it!”

    “Sounds like a plan,” Optimus said. “I can’t wait for it to go horribly wrong.”

    -------

    “Maybe we should’ve taken our costumes off before we came down here.” Starscream fixed his loose-fitting reindeer pants.

    “Life if full of regrets, Starscream.” Optimus said.

    “We should be getting close.” Botanica said. The Autobots and Decepticons walked down the dark tunnel, the Autobots using their headlights to light the way.

    “We’re taking a long time.” Road Rage said. “I’d prefer not to have to drive home, you know.”

    “We’d go faster if you’d drop the stupid bag of candy.” Obsidian moaned from in back.

    “No way!” Road Rage said. “That’s the entire point of Halloween! This isn’t like Valentines day where the candy is just a hollow pretence to insight procreation among the lesser willed of the human species under the veil of affection and selfless goodwill.” Everyone stared at her. “What? There’s a lot of trashy magazine’s in the dump we raid, sometimes I thumb through when I’m bored. Point is Halloween is upfront. Don’t disrespect it’s message!”

    “And what, pre-tell, is it’s message?” Obsidian sneered.

    “Well, I haven’t figured it out yet. But this year-” Road Rage shook the bag. “I will come one step closer.”

    “Wait everyone!” Botanica held the paper in her bark-covered hands. “We should be directly above it.”

    “How can you tell?” Starscream asked.

    “I have a seismometer built into my hand.” She said. “Just follow until the readings match.”

    “So we dig.” Optimus said.

    “I dig.” Soundwave said. He took off his half of the reindeer costume and brought his laser up over his shoulder. “With the most extreme drill ever.”

    “I wouldn’t recommend that.” Botanica objected, but before she could so much as hold up a hand Soundwave fired the laser straight down, melting a huge crater at his feet. The others scurried out of the way as the ground boiled and exploded as Soundwave used his laser. After a few minutes of screaming as he blasted the Earth away, he stopped.

    “I hit something!” He said. Everyone leapt into the hole he had dug and began shovelling dirt with their hands until a large smooth metal area was uncovered.

    “It’s a spaceship hull.” Scourge said as he shook dirt off his hands.

    “Botanica, is it possible Cybertron sent agents before you to find Jetfire?” Optimus asked.

    “I don’t know.” Botanica said. “They don’t like people asking questions.”

    “Does it look like it’s moving to anyone else?” Road Rage asked. Everyone jumped back as the hull dipped and rippled as a heat source from inside melted the armour of the hull. It boiled and bubbled before blasting open as a robot jumped out.

    “I am Abominus!” It proclaimed. “Look onto me and weep dispa-” Road Rage punched it in the face. The robot doubled back from the punch.

    “Road Rage!” Optimus yelled.

    “Sorry!” She said. “He jumped out at me, I’m not taking chances.”

    “You buttheads!” The monster said. “I mean, you… I am Abominus! The devil in the shadows, the monster that lurks in the pools of paranoia in your deepest gut fears.”

    “You’re also really small.” Optimus said. He started down the tiny little robot. Abominus stood just past Optimus’ knees, and his tiny little frame trembled under his own weight. The defining feature of the little one was a pronounced under bite on his little purple face.

    “You shut up!” He squeaked, pointing a little finger at them. “I am Abominus, and really I should be thanking you jerks for setting me free.”

    “You’re the jerk!” Optimus said. “Also, what?”

    “I came here to find ultimate power!” Abominus said. “But I fell and hit my head really hard in my spaceship, and then it got cold so I fell asleep, but then it was warm and I woke up.” Everybody looked at Soundwave, who shrugged.

    “Let me guess,” Optimus said. “You’re looking for an ancient Decepticon war machine. Get in line, shortstop.”

    “No, foolish idiot.” Abominus poked Optimus’ leg. “I am here to retrieve the Magnificence. It’s really… magnificent.”

    “Well, I don’t know what that is, but I’m going to guess it’s not a toy.” Optimus bent over. “So maybe you should go back into your crib and we can bury you up again.”

    “You mock me masked stranger.” Abominus said. “You and you leprosy patient and your plant people and your…” He looked at Strika. “ Other things. I shall destroy you all and then find the Magnificence.”

    “Well, unless you have, like, a billion other yous in that ship, I strongly suggest you just start hitting yourself now.” Optimus put his hands on his hips.

    “As a matter of fact-” Abominus said. “I have something very close.” As he said that another small robot climbed out. Like a devilish little imp it scuttled from the hole, then another. And another. A swarm engulfed the cavern as the Autobots and Decepticons backed away.

    “And Autobots are supposed to be the diplomatic ones.” Megatron scoffed. “Now we do things my way. Scourge. Strika. Destroy the enemy.” Strika deployed two energy disks and tossed them at the swarm, while Scourge pulled his sword and leapt toward the hoard. The creatures dodged the projectiles and leapt off the walls as a mass, linked together forming a hand, gripping Scourge and tossing him away. The others wasted no time and ran to safety. Strika and Scourge followed as everyone made it back to the main cave.

    “Jeez, remind me never to get in a hostage situation with you.” Ironhide said.

    “How was I supposed to know that little runt had an army of freaks in his ship?” Optimus pulled his mask off.

    “A completely understandable oversight.” Botanica said. The ground shook.

    “I really hope that was the Engex I drank earlier.” Optimus said.

    “Obsidian, scout above!” Megatron ordered. Obsidian groaned and hovered up into the top of the cave, through the hole in the top of the mountain. A moment later he returned.

    “It’s gone.” He said.

    “What‘s gone?” Jetfire asked.

    “The giant swarm of robots.” Obsidian said. “Good job everyone! Let’s do it again next year!”

    “You don’t think they’re headed for town, do you?” Road Rage said.

    “Not taking any chances.” Optimus said. “Let’s go.” The Autobots ran for the exit, but stopped at the door.

    “What’s wrong?” Optimus looked back at the Decepticons.

    “Nothing’s wrong.” Megatron said, pouring himself another drink with the other Decepticons at the table. “Good luck I suppose.”

    “Good luck? You’re not coming?”

    “Well, no. Why would we? We don‘t care about the town.”

    “Because…” Optimus couldn’t think of a good reason. “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

    The Decepticons laughed hysterically.

    “Okay well,” Road Rage thought. “I guess we’ll just have to finish the party without you!” Megatron dropped his glass.

    “Party?”

    “Well, yeah. It’s still technically Halloween, so we’re still partying.” Road Rage said. “So if you guys are too much of a bunch of chumps to finish the fun times, then I guess we’ll have to party by ourselves.” Road Rage winked at Optimus, who dropped his face into his palm.

    “Decepticons,” Megatron began. “It is our obligation as higher-class social connoisseurs to-”

    “No.” Obsidian said. “No. No. No no. No. This is stupid, you’re stupid. These costumes are stupid, they-” He pointed at the Autobots. “Are stupid. The idea that you would celebrate Halloween is stupid.”

    Well,” Megatron said. “You just can’t accept culture-”

    “This is not culture!” Obsidian yelled. “You are not cultured! You may not have done your research, but I have. Halloween isn’t an esteemed Earth pastime. It’s a gimmicky holiday for children. And the occasional cult worshippers. But mostly children!” Obsidian ripped off his clown wig. “You think you’re acting all esteemed and intelligent by accepting alien culture and whatnot, but you’re fooling no one. Hollow theatrics from an imbecile too ignorant to accept he’s a barbarian.” Obsidian hovered out of the room and into the bunker.

    “Well.” Megatron straightened his bowtie. “That’s just his opinion. Let’s go. We shall see this holiday to the end, even if Obsidian will not be joining us.”

    “Okay.” Optimus said, feeling awkward. “Let’s go then.”

    ------

    Optimus and the others watched as the mass of robotic critters ransacked the town bellow. The moved as one through the streets to a goal west of town square. Unconcerned with disguising themselves now, the Autobots and Decepticons ran through town, destroying what creatures they could. The Autobots went after a group near a park and went to work.

    “This is awesome!” Ironhide said as he crushed a robot underfoot. “Usually our fights are so much… harder. It’s nice to have a clear advantage.”

    “Speak-” Road Rage kicked another off a car as she held the candy bag. “For yourself!” She back flipped into the air, landing on one creature and spin-kicking another.

    “You’d have a better time fighting if you dropped the candy1” Botanica blasted a dozen more with her cannons.

    “Do not drop the candy!” Optimus ordered. “Or all this was for nothing!”

    “What do we call these things anyway?” Jetfire asked. “I’ve fought plenty of legions, and they all had great names-” He skewered one robot on his lightning bolt. “The Elite Guard, The Predators, Primus’ Holy Arm, The Big Winners.”

    “’Big Winners?’” Botanica asked.

    “Well, okay,” Jetfire admitted. “Point is, these guys need a good name.’

    “Terrorcons!” Road Rage said. “Because they’re like Decepticons, but terrible at fighting!” She kicked another enemy in the head.

    “That’s a stupid name!” Starscream said. He hovered above, not really fighting but not really wanting to.

    “Only Autobots can vote.” Optimus said.

    “That’s not very democratic.” Soundwave said, blasting a row of Terrorcons with his laser.

    “Neither is being a Decepticon fighting for a dictator.” Optimus said. Soundwave shrugged.

    “Well, I’ve smashed fifteen Terrorcons!” Ironhide said, crushing another. “Corn will destroy all! Corn is strongest one there is!”

    “You are as skilled as you are poetic, fat one,” Scourge leapt from on top of a building. He landed before Ironhide and with a single wave of his sword cut six Terrorcons in half. He then threw it like a javelin, impaling two more and using the spikes on his wrists to gore another four on his way to retrieve it, finishing off with a sweeping kick that incapacitated another three.

    “I’m not fat!” Ironhide punched a Terrorcon, grabbed it and threw it at another, causing them to explode a nearby empty car.

    “Anger management, dude!” Optimus said. “Try not to trash more of a town than them!”

    “Actually, they haven’t really destroyed anything.” Botanica noted. “They’re barely fighting back. I have a theory-”

    “They have a cream for that.” Optimus roped in two Terrorcons with his tow hook, knocking them both out with a punch.

    “Like I was saying, it’s my hypothesis that these creatures are of a hive mind, controlled by that individual you so brazenly mocked before.” Botanica said. “We can maximize our efforts and prevent further destruction and terror if we locate that individual and dispose of him.”

    “An astute deduction!” Scourge said. Missiles flew overhead and blew up two clusters of Terrorcons as Megatron landed next to Scourge. “We need to find Abominus and destroy him. He controls the hoard.”

    “He wants the ‘Magnificence.’” Optimus noted. “He seems to think it’s here, so if we follow these guys…” He watched the Terrorcons head for town hall. “We find the magnificence.” The Transformers moved with the swarm, crushing any that opposed them, and made it to city hall, where the swarm had massed into what resembled a congregation, with Abominus standing above all.

    “Here!” He yelled with anticipation. “It is close!”

    “And we’re closer.” Optimus shot his hook at Abominus, wrapping around him and pulling him in. Abominus struggled before a Terrorcon cut the line and he freed himself.

    “I guess you dumb idiots are deserving of an applause.” Abominus said. “You figured out my plan and deduced my location.”

    “It wasn’t hard. “Optimus said. You basically screamed it that you wanted the Magnificence in our faces and we’d have to be blind to not see you and your army of peons.”

    “Your brains are small and empty.” Abominus said. “These are not my followers. No no no, these are extensions of my will. We are one We are Abominus!”

    “Well you are crazy and you are going down,” Optimus said. “We figured it out. You’re a hive mind. Once we break you, we break your entourage.”

    “You still don’t get it.” Abominus laughed. Terrorcons swarmed the Autobots and Decepticons, trampling them to get to Abominus. Every Terrorcon in the town converged on town tall before it began. The small robots connected to each other, forming links that formed solid shapes and mechanics. Gangly Terrorcons formed joints while the bigger one wrapped around as armour and weapons. The swarm that was once many was now a behemoth that was snow one.

    “We are Abominus!” The horrible giant proclaimed. “I am Abominus!” It pulled a sword from it’s back. “And you are all doomed!”

    “Yeah, well you forgot one thing.” Optimus pulled his cowl back on. “I’m Batman.” Abominus swung his sword at Optimus, who dodged just in time. Before Optimus could move again he was kicked away by the titan. The rest scattered when Road Rage noticed her bag was missing. She looked all around but couldn’t find it, until she looked up. Caught between the seams of his armour, the bag of candy rested inside Abominus.

    “Bad move.” She transformed, shredding her costume and landing in vehicle mode. She burned rubber as she raced ahead, her chassis splitting apart and deploying weapons. She fired missiles, blasted with lasers and sprayed bullets at Abominus, and everyone joined in, but his armour reflected most of the fire. A laser blast from Road Rage hit his leg, blasting the armour apart. Optimus saw this and looked to Megatron.

    “It’s armour is weak against high-heat lasers!” Optimus said. “Have Soundwave aim for the critical spots then blast it with your missiles. Botanica-” Optimus looked to her. ‘Slow him down!” She nodded and fired her electric cannons full-blast Abominus.

    “Soundwave!” Megatron ordered. “Aim for it’s armour. Strika, Scourge, artillery on the openings!” Soundwave Strika and Scourge all transformed, and while Soundwave used his laser to create weak spots along with Road Rage, the other two along with Megatron used their missiles and artillery to deliver critical strikes. Jetfire and Starscream transformed, keeping Abominus distracted while Ironhide and Optimus attacked his legs. Pockmarked, shocked, beaten and blasted, Abominus slowed, dropped to one knee, and began to fall. Road Rage returned to her proper vehicle mode and accelerated straight towards him. She drove up the edge of his sword, transformed and leapt off the hilt. She landed on his chest as he fell, grabbed the candy bag, and jumped off. Abominus hit the ground and broke apart as Road Rage landed perfectly in front. Optimus and Megatron approached the central component of Abominus. The tiny robot lay in a pile of parts.

    “Now I shall never find the Magnificence.” He said. “Without my legion to scour the world, it is lost for eternity. Stupid guy.”

    “What is the Magnificence?” Optimus asked. “Why’d you want it so bad?”

    “You’ll die not knowing!” Abominus threw a piece of scrap in Optimus’ face and ran off.

    “Quick! After him!” Optimus said.

    “No, I’m good.” Megatron said.

    “What?”

    “It’s one minute after midnight. My cultural duty is fulfilled.”

    “Oh.” Optimus looked down. “Well, okay then. Bye I guess.”

    “We still on for Christmas?”

    “Oh Totally.” Optimus was going to shake hands with Megatron but remembered he didn’t actually like him, so he just let Megatron walk away and the Decepticons go back to their base.

    “That was a good Halloween.” Ironhide walked up with the others.

    “Yeah.” Optimus said.

    “And I saved the candy.” Road Rage said.

    “Truly a victory in every way.” Jetfire nodded.

    “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask,” Botanica said. “Now that we have the candy, what next?”

    Epilogue

    “So this is what you do with it?” Botanica asked.

    “Can you feel it?” Road Rage said.

    “What?”

    “The spirit of Halloween?” Road Rage sighed as she and the others stared at the mound of candy on the floor. “You’ve gotta waft it in, you know?” She fanned the air towards her. “Let it fill the room.”

    “One day.” Optimus said. “One day we’ll find something to do with it.”

    “I feel like there’s a message in it somewhere.” Jetfire said. “But I don’t remember how I got here so I may be slipping out of lucidity.”

    “Heh,” Ironhide giggled and held a piece between his chubby fingers. “This one looks like a witch riding a broom.”

    “Happy Halloween everyone.” Optimus said.
     
  2. Meta777

    Meta777 Dr Pepper Fan

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    Postively wonderful, hilarious and randomly delightful :lol 

    Happy Halloween, SPLIT LIP! Thanks for the story :D 
     
  3. Wars

    Wars I ate the WHOLE plate

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    Oh wow, that was just brilliant. :lol 

    And Happy Halloween to you too, SPLIT.