Financial question for the married people

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by MegaMoonMan, Nov 17, 2008.

  1. ranoobu

    ranoobu I like fried chicken

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    i went from the first page to the third page.. (based on my settings which puts a lot more posts on one page)...

    and it sounds kinda weird to me that your wife wants to push this joint account thing so badly.. I don't know. I got this weird vibe from your post that you were saying she's nagging about not having enough to spend just to get you to put a joint account together.. I don't get why it's such a big issue to have a joint account if you guys are doing fine as is.

    I'm not married, but it feels like she wants to monitor your money.. and that's so shifty to me.. why do you need to care how much your husband/wife makes? And the fact that she can get "tricksy" on you with the money.. that's kinda of scary too.

    I really don't know the whole story, and maybe your post has a bias reflection on it because it feels a little weird to you to do all this. But you should really find out the real root of the reason why she wants this joint account so badly that she'd resort to saying untrue things.. (like how you're barely getting by etc.. per your first post)
     
  2. Voiceroy

    Voiceroy Trans-fo-mahs!

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    I certainly didn't mean you give up your individuality when you enter into marriage. But there really is no more thinking of the "important" possessions in a singular sense once you get married, especially involving finances.

    I don't know your situation, but asking for financial privacy would be a risky thing in any marriage. I know my wife would never go for that. Seems like you would always have a cloud of doubt over your marriage because your wife would always wonder how much you have and what you're not telling her. And if she feels that way over money, it could lead to you losing her trust over other things.

    Now if your wife has difficulty controlling her spending habits, then you do have a cause for concern. In that case, you might want to consider getting financial counseling as a couple. Otherwise, she's going to have to be okay with you monitoring the finances and trusting you with the budget. My wife and I do this together, but I've always trusted her to keep track of our spending and our budget because she's better with money and math than I am. Like someone else said here, it's different with every couple.

    True, but if you're already married then it's almost too late to be discussing these issues. And if you do get married and are just now discovering these things and you avoid discussing them and don't reach some kind of mutual compromise then your marriage is already in jeopardy.

    No, it was just in general. And you're certainly not wrong to want a certain amount of privacy -- I think we men are generally hard-wired to be that way anyway. But when you enter into marriage you have to be willing to give up a great deal of that independence and privacy because you now have a joined life, not a separate one. But it's all about communication and then you work out a mutual agreement or some sort of compromise. Although my wife and I have many shared interests, as individuals we are dramatically different. And what we learned from many other happily married couples is that communication is key. And so far there hasn't been any issue that's come up that we haven't been able to work out.

    We also have had such a difficult time financially our first few years of marriage (due to two employers filing for bankruptcy on me), so we've had to stay on a very strict budget. And even with very limited disposable income, she hasn't minded me buying the occasional TF, but otherwise I try to trade for what I want with the huge surplus of stuff I acquired long before we got married... stuff that I no longer want to keep.

    But anytime we make a purchase over $20 -- no matter when or where it is, we always let each other know (unless it comes out of a cash surplus that isn't from our account). That's how it works for us. I can't speak for others.

    My wife does the occasional babysitting job to make extra money for stuff she wants to get for herself, and I try getting in some extra acting gigs or selling off collectibles for extra cash to spend on TFs, DVDs, or video games. And we're both well aware of these things and it has never been an issue. But that money isn't included in our budget to begin with either.

    And there have been a few times where I had to sell collectibles just to help us pay the bills. Sometimes it comes to that point unfortunately.

    That's actually a really great arrangement and something that could work in your situation, MegaMoonMan. And if you've already got a surplus of money you have your own reasons to keep from her, using Ceerad's approach would enable you to keep out a good portion of that on stand-by for your own privacy without her knowing.

    Still, I would still advise caution on this because if she ever finds out about it (especially if it's a LOT of money), you'll be having a pretty lengthy "discussion" (that's code word for "arguement") over it, and once again have that cloud of doubt eroding away her trust in you.

    QFT.

    Yikes. Please promise me you'll never go into marriage or financial counseling. As Gort said so well above, you create all manner of confusion (just in paying the monthly bills) and eventual financial and marital chaos if you try keeping separate accounts because you can't agree on whose money is whose.
     
  3. MegaMoonMan

    MegaMoonMan OFFICIAL MMM REP

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    I probably did tell it with a bit of bias. She DOES want to control my (and our) spending, but it's only so we can start saving more and work towards some bigger goals that involve us both - the house, perhaps kids down the road, etc.

    I can't say it's a bad idea. I have already agreed to do it, but now we are to the point of discussing a needed weekly allowance for each of us. We decided to be fair and have the same allowance, but her idea of what the weekly allowance should be made me cringe. The number I was thinking of was 2x what she came up with.

    Perhaps I DO just spend too much.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2008
  4. Ceerad

    Ceerad Well-Known Member

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    Don't sweat it man. My allowance is $50 a week.
    And we do pretty well between us.
     
  5. MegaMoonMan

    MegaMoonMan OFFICIAL MMM REP

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    That's the exact number she gave me.
     
  6. funkatron101

    funkatron101 TFW2005 Supporter

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    Really? Tell that to my wife's grandparents who have had separate accounts for the entire time they have been together, or my parents. Neither of them had any financial or marital chaos. Or countless friends of mine who have been perfectly comfortable keeping separate accounts.

    Thanks for the snap judgment on my character or experience. You clearly have me all figured out after one sentence.
     
  7. cheetorBWORG

    cheetorBWORG Cheetor Fan

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    I can see that you're a wealthy individual, since your wife found it okay to spend so much on a piece of fabric that allows her to carry stuff around in...

    Money is important. Our current society has been brought up on the importance of money. More money = More freedom and power. And that's why it can corrupt.

    I'm saying that if it were me, I would put my foot down as to why the heck she spent so much on a handbag, when there's so many alternatives that are much less expensive, yet offer the same design and purpose.

    But then, my problem is that I'm not of the same class as you and I have a bias.

    And it's kind of unhealthy to turn away from possible arguments just because you don't want to hurt her feelings. You can still get a point across without having to yell and PUSH your views on to her. But never get it into your head that you must avoid confrontations. It makes you ignorant in the long run. But don't be paranoid too. Strike a balance.
     
  8. Ironhide546

    Ironhide546 TFW2005 Supporter

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    ITT: Whipped husbands.
     
  9. Predaking

    Predaking Well-Known Member

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    I think I should have an allowance system as well so my wife won't keeps getting on my case about how to spend my money.
     
  10. AnimatedFan

    AnimatedFan Banned

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    I'm not married, but I've been in a relationship long enough to feel like I am. I can say that a joint account for bills and important expenses, along with private accounts for fun is really the best way to go.

    That way if either of you aren't pulling your weight, or dip into the joint account, one or both of you are held accountable, and if you overspend to the point of breaking the bank on your personal account, it's on your shoulders, not the couple's.

    It works as an allowance, a method of reigning in spending habits, and the bills get paid.

    If that system doesn't work, then the money is just the tip of the iceberg in marriage problems.
     
  11. seven

    seven RIP Poopers 4-1993/5-2008

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    We have seperate checking accounts, our savings account is joint and bound to both of our accounts. If either of us needs money from the other we transfer it into savings or just make a deposit into the others account.
     
  12. bigkid24

    bigkid24 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I find it funny that people jumped on you for sounding like a dick but to me it sounded like she was trying to get more info on your habits.

    Been living with my fiance since last year and we do a general split of the expenses right now but once we get married I think the goal is to have joint checking, joint savings, and keep our individual accounts whatever they may be. That way we spend what we want/can afford and don't have to feel guilty.

    For you guys that only have joint accounts what do you do for gifts to each other? Pull the exact amount out of the account and spend the same amount? Doesn't that take some of the fun out of it if you can tell what you're getting?
     
  13. Insane Galvatron

    Insane Galvatron is not insane. Really!

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    I'd say this is the best attitude to have towards it. That's how it was when I was married. No offense to MMM, but his situation sounds like they each want to have money that is "mine". Marriage is about two becoming one, and everything belonging to both.
     
  14. Voiceroy

    Voiceroy Trans-fo-mahs!

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    No, I based my reply precisely on what *you* said:
    This is not fact, it is your opinion. Keeping separate accounts might work for some (like your grandparents and your alleged "countless friends"), but I'd venture to say it probably won't work for a majority of married couples. I regularly listen to talk radio hosts who are financial advisers and counselors as a career, and have read a number of books on the subject as well and I'm telling you that even the pros don't agree with your opinion.

    To say that it is "way better" to keep separate accounts and that there is "no point" to combining them is a subjective assumption that you cannot prove without some sort of verifiable statistics to back it up.

    I'm not judging your character or experience. I'm saying your opinion is rather one-sided, unrealistic, and unprovable.

    It's one thing to make a suggestion, to offer advice to someone in a situation like this. But when you start saying one way is "way better" and that anything else is "pointless"... well, then you're not really making a suggestion at all.

    Keeping separate accounts and arguing over who owns what money in a married relationship is, as Gort already stated, a "recipe for disaster." It's a logical fact that it's easier to manage your money as a couple when bills are being paid out of a joint account. If you're splitting/dividing bills and paying them out of separate accounts it can get really messy and disorganized.

    Didn't you ever rent an apartment and have roommates you split the bills with? Wasn't it time-consuming and oftentimes confusing trying to figure out who owed what? And then trusting one person to keep track of when bills were due? Forget it -- like me, you probably had to end up doing it yourself or you'd have been paying repeated late fees. I rented rooms/apts for nearly 10 years before I got married and it was always a hassle splitting bills and keeping them paid in full and on time.

    I'm very pleased to hear you say this. And it makes this entire discussion a moot point.

    And if it's your own hobbies you're thinking of with your "weekly allowance", it's probably already forced you to consider what you feel has the highest priority. When it comes to collecting, when you're on a limited budget you'll find you tend to be more careful in making selections for purchase. If you're a TF-buying addict or completist, you'll find you're much choosier on a budget and won't end up buying stuff you liked at first glance but later decided wasn't really worth it or it got crappy reviews from other fans.

    I'm already selling/trading off a lot of Cybertron and Movie toys for that very reason. At that time, I had more expendable income and was just buying everything just to own it. Now, I'm much more careful about what I decide to buy. Or I'll avoid buying it altogether even if I do like it and wait until it either goes on clearance or I can buy/trade from another fan for a loose one in good condition which is what I prefer anyway.

    Being on a limited budget for hobbies isn't so bad. You end up enjoying what you do buy a whole lot more, and oftentimes you get it for cheaper too because you had patience and financial discretion. (Hey, we have a social group by that same name too!)
     
  15. misternoodle

    misternoodle Banned

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    lol
     
  16. lookinglasself

    lookinglasself crush/destroy

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    MMM, keep/get the second bank account. You'll thank yourself in the long run.

    Your wife will get over it after a while.
     
  17. funkatron101

    funkatron101 TFW2005 Supporter

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    Based on his situation, and what he told us at the time, I do think it is better. He had legit concerns. Is it right for everyone? No. Is it right for a lot of people? Sure. Especially with today's divorce rate. Seem negative? Yep, but also realistic.

    You took my post which was directed at him, and assumed I meant for all people. Which is my fault, I didn't explain myself well enough.

    However, I can give you just as many "expert" examples suggesting to have separate accounts and not just one joint account. He asked us for advice. Real life situations, if he didn't want our advice than he wouldn't have asked. There is no clear right way and wrong way with this. People have a difference of opinion and not all people manage money the same.

    You spoke of "eventual financial and marital chaos" if couples keep separate accounts. I gave you examples to disprove that. You accuse me of speaking in absolutes when you are doing the same thing.

    There was a right and wrong way to dispute my post. You chose the wrong way and decided to attack me instead of simply disagreeing. Had you simply said "I disagree, and here is why" I probably wouldn't have even replied.

    Edit: So Voiceroy, since you are so adamant on the fact that there is no "I", "me" or "mine" in a marriage, do you also suggest that married couples should get joint credit cards?
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2008
  18. MegaMoonMan

    MegaMoonMan OFFICIAL MMM REP

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    We do, we will, and we are both very happy with that solution after talking about it. A little for each, but most for both.

    It's not a bad thing.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2008
  19. funkatron101

    funkatron101 TFW2005 Supporter

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    Awesome. Money seems to be the one thing couples fight about the most. If you get that sorted, you get rid of a ton of stress.
     
  20. Foster

    Foster Haslab Unicron Backer #10 Veteran

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    Good to hear, MMM. The last thing I want to see on Minneapolis news is "Local Man Found Dead from Choking on Transformer, Neighbors Suspect Angry Wife"