Dating in this new world

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Starfire22, Nov 13, 2022.

  1. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

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    I understand the idea. But in actual practicality, it doesn't have as much success as one would like. Yeah, you can start the convo...but like you said, holding it is another thing. That's where the disconnect is. I have friends who've used the dating apps, and the majority of her contacts are people who are wannabe playas. All just trying to swindle their way into her pants. And their "game" is rather pathetic and amusing to read (yeah, she shares them with me). One moment they're all nice. The next moment (because she's not ready to meet them, or want to), they're belligerent assholes because they didn't/couldn't get their way with her. So nah...when you have that happening a lot, people are gonna put up their guard. Why they remain on the app anyway? I dunno. I find it's just better to meet a person outright, and naturally...outside.

    False confidence then. Like I said, many a female friends have explicitly said they find it more attractive for a guy to be able to exude confidence. If you can't even find it within yourself to even walk up to her and say something? Well, they see it as you don't think they're worth the effort. It may not make sense to us guys because we have our own thoughts on the matter. But again, you're dealing with another human being here. Having that face to face interaction means more in the end, than just a random text DM in an app. Unless of course, you're talking to someone who just lives on apps. Then that's another story. How fun would it be to date someone who's proverbially stuck on the phone?

    For me? No thank you. I want an actual human being to interact with. Not some brain dead zombie who's just drooling from her mouth with the phone screen glued to her face.

    Nope, I already gave up on them. Don't care for them from everything I've seen through my own personal experience, and through the ones of friends. You stand a better chance not using the apps if you just worked up your courage to just do it. Yeah, you might get rejected, but what's to say that same rejection isn't gonna happen on the app in the form of ghosting? At least if you get rejected face to face, you know then and there you gotta move on. Personally, I'd rather have the pain or discomfort of that situation last a lot less time, than to just sit there...staring at the stupid screen on my phone wondering for who knows how long. Some people don't know how to move on. They let that kinda thing get to them way too much. To each their own. I find it more effective to just talk to the person face to face. Seriously though, if we're being honest with each other...we're all just trying to find ways to avoid rejection in any which way possible or to dodge it for as long as possible in hopes that we can have a better or opposite outcome. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. You can prolong it from happening, but you can't stop it from happening. I'd rather deal with it then and there, get it over with, and move on. I don't like wasting my time like that. It's like that quoted line of Thomas Edison in a movie (yeah...a movie for crying out loud). He didn't fail 10,000 times in an attempt to make a lightbulb. He just found out 10,000 ways NOT to make a lightbulb. Now why can't that be applied to other aspects of life? Here? You didn't just get rejected 10,000 times. You just found out 10,000 ways how NOT to approach/talk to someone.

    Oh and then back to my earlier comment of not wanting a zombie. They're all on the apps. Nope! Not for me! And yeah, the counter to that is that I might meet one outside too. But again...if I see that she's super/gorilla glued the phone to her face? I'm not gonna bother :)  Life is hard enough as it is. Why over complicate it when you don't have to? Furthermore, why settle for anything less than what you truly wanted?
     
  2. moonDUST

    moonDUST Well-Known Member

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    I find this a rather bleak view on things. I think we as human beings look for meaningful connections. The fact that so many people use dating apps to me reaffirms that. And because the apps provide 'mediated connections' they also show us the way we try to connect with people (both for the 'right' reasons and 'wrong' ). For every person who cheats thru an app or sets up a false profile or is just looking for hookups, there is somebody at a club or bar or wherever doing the same. The addition channel 'dating app' just reflects society in that way. In the old days human behavior was exactly the same only not as visible because everything happened offline.

    Also a little note, I don't think that being on dating apps just for hook ups is a bad thing. As long as there is consent. Meaning all people involved are aware of eachother's intentions and expectations.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2022
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  3. DocSeth81

    DocSeth81 Well-Known Member

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    I was on eharmony and I literally only had one person message me. But it worked and we've been married for 2 years now. DOn''t use the free apps for dating, they never work. Try the ones you have to pay for, people are a little more serious about dating on them
     
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  4. Rodimus74

    Rodimus74 Well-Known Member

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    My late girlfriend and I were co-workers and it went just fine. It does work out.
     
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  5. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

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    No, that's just a view formulated over years of trying. Success rates for people who have found their significant other when dating sites started up was what was bleak. Even the most recent research that I just did a Google search for don't show high success rates for those looking for more meaningful relationships:

    Clipboard01.jpg

    And I'm sure there's a lot of factors of why there's such a low rate of success despite that being a sample size. So according to that chart...of the 30% of US adults surveyed...only 12% of them found a meaningful relationship/got married. That is a very low number. And while it does say that it worked for some...it would also say it did not work for most. That's something that, if you want to get into the dating scene from an app, then you have to understand and realize that there is a greater potential that you will be wasting your time. But you can always hold out for that one in the 12% range. Imagine that as a marriage proposal? :lol  "Baby...You're that one in the 12% I've looked for all my life!" :lolol ....but if you wanna talk about bleak...how many of that 12% ended up in divorce? :p 

    Again, to each their own. You're not going to argue your way into changing what's been established by experience. It just won't happen. Like I said, if it works out for you? Great! I sincerely mean that! But if it doesn't...well...it's not anything to get discouraged over. How many people are there in the world now? You WILL find someone eventually. Or who knows? Maybe they'll find you whether it was in an app, or something as simple as a cliched TV show situation where you meet them in the grocery store.


    That's like saying there's nothing that can go wrong with a friends with benefits situation :lol  People will always say one thing....but there are times that their words don't always match what's in their hearts. It happens. We're only human.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2022
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  6. process

    process Hanlon's razor Veteran TFW2005 Supporter

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    I'm nearby a decade out from the dating scene and have thankfully never been at the mercy of dating apps, but if there's any advice I can give, it's that to improve your odds it's important to work on yourself first. It takes a lot of self-awareness, humility, and time, but I think it's the only way to naturally build confidence and enable you to accomplish other things. Note that you don't have to 'complete' your journey before getting into dating, among other things, you just need to be on that path -- and I would argue that most people never actually finish.

    In other words, it's a lot easier for other people to like and respect you if you like and respect yourself.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2022
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  7. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

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    Exactly! And in working on yourself/bettering yourself...you start to get that confidence (or self confidence) that can and WILL attract others to you. That's been a constant thing about us humans that has never changed. Just be sure you don't accidentally blur the line between that confidence and arrogance. Arrogance tends to have the opposite and undesired effect.
     
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  8. process

    process Hanlon's razor Veteran TFW2005 Supporter

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    Arrogance/confidence is a fine line, but one that people can sniff out very quickly and judge you for accordingly.
     
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  9. TenScaryMonkeys

    TenScaryMonkeys Can You Believe How Great These Pants Look?

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    Quoting this is a lot easier than retyping the same sentiments less eloquently. Well said.

    From a logistics standpoint, if you’re primarily online dating, try to keep it to within 30 miles or so, move from online conversation to an actual, physical first date as rapidly as possible (without being creepy or pushy about it, but make sure it’s known you’re looking to actually meet to weed out the fakes-and-flakes), and never say no if someone else asks you out.

    Take every opportunity to meet someone new, even if you don’t think you’re interested. At least, you’ll gain experience for the next one. At most, you could be surprised by a connection you weren’t expecting.

    Don’t go into any date assuming a romantic connection - view them all as friendly, platonic meet-and-greets to start, ask tons of questions about the other person’s hobbies and interests, don’t interrupt when they’re talking, offer to pick up the tab, and remember that even (especially?) the worst, most awkward dates are going to make for a great story to tell friends on Monday.
     
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  10. imfallenangel

    imfallenangel Well-Known Member

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    If there's one thing I would add to all I've said already is that my experience was that any sort of chat, phone or otherwise is 100% worthless beyond the main introduction, so I absolutely agree with your statements.

    Every woman that I chatted and talked over the phone for days, weeks even, would built up a fantasy persona that would come off as perfect as I learned that some had mastered the art of bullshitting and saying all the right things. They would delay the meeting, had excuses, and either it would just end there and wasted my time, or when they'd agree to meet, they had lied about everything... it was a case that most did not look as they described themselves, but all of them was a case that they either they didn't really want what they stated or flat out didn't know what it was. (note that I heard that men did the same to some of these women)

    I also learned that most pictures were either fake or done in a way that they never looked the same in person.

    At the end, beyond the intro I'd flat out state/explain that after seeing so many lies that if they were serious about anything, that I wanted to meet as soon as possible and had zero interest in any delays or excuses (stated in a polite and tactful way of course).

    It was a great "filter" for me, and in the end, I was able to see who would be serious and such, met a few, saw that there was no connection, and in the case of my wife, I chatted twice with her in the week, first to do the intro and basic chat stuff, and then to make a date to meet (the Friday of that week).
     
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  11. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

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    This is where I've seen a lot of people fail :lol  It still boils down to knowing how to communicate with someone else. It's an acquired skill that takes some folks longer to learn than others. So...everyone reading this thread...be patient, but ultimately be patient with yourself. Don't ever go by someone else's timeline on things for stuff like this. You have your own :)  Work within that.
     
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  12. TenScaryMonkeys

    TenScaryMonkeys Can You Believe How Great These Pants Look?

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    Exactly this. You’re not using dating apps to find a relationship. You’re using them to filter a large pool of anonymous profiles into a small handful of real people you’ll actually meet in real life.

    In my own experience, anyone who wants to keep the interaction purely electronic for longer than give-or-take a week is either a catfish, or someone too insecure to really be of any great interest.
     
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  13. moonDUST

    moonDUST Well-Known Member

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    Not trying to be a pain here, I sincerely find it an interesting discussion.

    When I look at your graph/survey results two things come to mind. My definition of meaningful connection doesn't mean getting married or getting into a committed relationship. You can also have a very meaningful other type of connection with someone. Not all relations or connections need to go towards marriage to be meaningful. I think one has to decide for oneself what a definition of a meaningful connection is and of course someone who agrees with that definition :) 

    And second, regarding the low succes rate. I wonder what one's success rate is in offline dating and meeting people. I doubt it is much higher when you start a random conversation in a bar or club with a person you find attractive or interesting. I'm pretty sure you'll end of with similar figures.

    And in regard with the friends with benefits statement. I never said it's easy or without problems. Of course there's a 'risk' of deeper feelings developing. Feelings can change. Communication is key there and of course being honest about how you feel and be thoughtful of the feelings of other person(s) involved.

    When you decide to open up to someone and start a connection or, let's keep it simple, a relation there's always a chance of getting hurt. Feelings can change, needs can change. And everybody is entitled to say at some point to the other; I'm sorry this thing we have doesn't work for me anymore, I'm ending it. That's all part of the game. It can happen when you meet somebody offline and it can happen when you meet somebody online.
     
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  14. TenScaryMonkeys

    TenScaryMonkeys Can You Believe How Great These Pants Look?

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    Agreed. Every failed pickup attempt at a bar is the same as a failed conversation through an app.

    When you view it through a different lens and factor in the number of times you’ve been rejected without even realizing it (the woman you accidentally catch eyes with who thinks you’re trying to flirt, when you weren’t), everyone’s success rate is way, WAY down there. SHE viewed that as an entanglement that never happened, even if you didn’t.

    And on the flip side, there were women I didn’t click with romantically who I’m still very close friends with to this day. Those are meaningful relationships to me, even if they never panned out as anticipated.
     
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  15. Dark Skull

    Dark Skull Well-Known Enabler Moderator

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    Yeah, you can use the online apps to filter people out. However....(cont'd below)

    Oh yeah, but I'd rather cut out all what I personally have come to realize is a time waster. I prefer to just cut to the chase. You're spending how much time sifting through how many profiles of locals in your area to see if you even want to talk to them? If you can speed through them like Jim Carrey typing away on the computer like in the movie, "Bruce Almighty"...great! Or better yet, if you have all the time (or enough time) in the world to dedicate to something like that...then you do you man. Me personally? I got other things to do with that time. And then, if all goes well, you find a few (or more) and you start talking. You're juggling now. If you don't have a pretty good memory of each person, then someone has to make a damned good enough impression on you for you to care enough to remember things. Things get better, then you have to make a choice. How much time can that be to get to that point? It depends on the person I guess. Whereas, let's say you met someone through a friend, or just out and about doing things. You get to see right then and there a part of their personality and character that you'd otherwise have to wait for when meeting them online. Is waiting necessarily a bad thing? Not if things work out. But like you said...things can change. And as it's been mentioned, people can use their online profile as a persona to hide things. Things that they can't hide when they're outside and interacting with other people, to include even your own friends (and theirs). To me, being able to see who that person is right then and there, or even getting a glimpse of it is so invaluable to me.

    I'll give you an example of what I mean. I once found a girl off of an app. Things started out cool. She made me feel like I was special to her. And her personality even when we talked on the phones was pretty decent. Even when we met up for the first time...it was going pretty well. The second and third time, I noticed some subtle changes, but I blocked those out to give her a chance to show herself...and to let her get to know me better in person. However, after a tiny bit...things went 180. From a sweet, outgoing person....she became a controlling, insulting, selfish, self aggrandizing, pompous ass of a person who literally had no filter between her brain and her mouth. And that behavior bled onto her daughter. She wanted people to show her respect while showing little to none (though she would deny that) to others including me. She even tried dropping pathetic attempts at subtlety in getting me molded into her "ideal" man. Lots of batshit crazy things started comin' outta her mouth about the most random things. I remember a few date nights we had...On our second night out, she even went out of her way to insult a waiter who was new, and made an honest mistake. She chastised him as if the world was gonna end because of him. Needless to say...it was totally awkward and embarrassing. When the manager came by to see what was going on, she insulted him too! The manager then asked if everything was ok with my food. Having watched the Ryan Reynold's movie "Waiting"...I covered my plate with both arms and nodded "Yeah, it's fine...I don't need anything. I'm good!" Shooot...You gotta be outta your damned mind! I ain't tryin' to get my steak seasoned with no damned frumundacheese.

    On another night out, we were at a restaurant and the olympics were being shown on the TV. It was bad seating because...the TV was right behind her in the corner and above her :lolol  However...there was an older gentleman wearing a pink polo, and white shorts. She thought making fun of him and his manhood would be something I would parttake in. After a while, I dropped the seed of "Maybe he's just secure in his sexuality, and doesn't care, and people have told him that outfit looks good on him?" with a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . She didn't like that. She started a bit of a scowl. So...as she was looking over at him to find even more things to laugh at him about (mind you I was trying to eat my fucking meal while she let hers sit there getting cold because she'd rather get a laugh off of a total stranger), I decided to ignore that bullshit and watch the Olympics. I was like "Look hon! The US swimmer is in the lead!" She got mad. She tried to guilt trip me of not paying any attention to her. I tried to play it off "but hon....it's the olympics...we're doing good..." She didn't care. And she was totally oblivious to the fact that I was trying to distract her away from being a total...SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY about some random stranger wearing a pink fucking polo shirt.

    She didn't care if she offended you, but she would most definitely care if you offended her. Naturally, arguments ensued. Even my friends were like, "Dude, why do you let her talk to you like that? Like you're a 3 yr old??" Me: "Meh...I just tune her out." Obviously that relationship didn't work out well at all. And happy time in the bedroom sucked too because of her...."attitude" about things. Luckily, it didn't last long. In fact, most relationships I've had that were born of the interwebz had similar...cringy...painful stories like that. There was one where I met in person first...only to find she was online too...so that was different. I think that HAD to have been the BEST one I had. Too bad she had to move back to Australia to be with her mom. Didn't hear from her much after she got into a car wreck. Oh well. Life goes on.

    Like Notorious B.I.G.'s song...I got stories to tell. Now I'm saying all this, not to get you or anyone else to change your mind, but merely to explain or give some detail as to why I prefer NOT to use online dating apps. I don't trust it, never will. Too many fake ass phony people on there, and I am NOT willing to waste my time anymore bothering with it. Of course, your mileage may vary. Am I envious of people who have had luck using online dating apps? No. In fact, I wish them all the success, because if they're willing to do what I am clearly not willing to do (even if you fucking paid me), and they succeed? Then all the more power to them! :)  You gotta work with what works for you. And there's never going to be a one size fits all for everyone. Online dating apps work for you, but it has shown it does not work even in the slightest for me. And that's where I'm at with all this :)  I just prefer meeting someone outside my home...in the wild. Like a caveman...except I don't have a club, and I'm not trying to lump her head up and drag her back to my house :lol 
     
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  16. TF rocks

    TF rocks Try and stop me! Studio Trigger for Transformers!

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    I don’t date. Never interested me
     
  17. Star Sabre James

    Star Sabre James The JUICE

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    Hopping into bed can be fun, but, in my book, it's WAY more fun when you also have an emotional connection with your partner. That's what I'm looking for, and hope to find that great woman to share all connections with. I had her, and lost her almost a decade ago now.
     
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  18. Starfire22

    Starfire22 :D

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    Yup. A short thrill or benefits situation may yield good results in the short term but man, emotions find a way and one of the two (or more?) in that beneficiary will want more and chaos might ensue. All I can say is, personally (speaking in general) I want to share my emotions with someone who will reciprocate them consistently.
     
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  19. G1Prowl

    G1Prowl Prick, apparently

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    Image, not looks, has everything to do with attracting a mate. You don't see groups of gender sitting at a table watching a person come in and say to each other "Hey, check out the personality on THEM!!!"


    In the end, we're animals. Highly evolved (mostly) animals, but animals nonetheless. The goal is to make prospective mate A find you more viable than romantic competitors X, Y, and/or Z. As an ugly male I've been able to use being a musician to reasonably high success.
     
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  20. G1Prowl

    G1Prowl Prick, apparently

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    As a military man I cannot side with you on this...
     
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