Hi everyone. I posted part of a Transformers play that I made some time ago on this website, but now I added to it and gave it a title: Cybertron's Finest. It's a police-centered story following Prowl and his partner Streetwise. Stay safe, everyone, and without further ado here it is: SCENE 1 PROWL and STREETWISE, two police officers on the planet Cybertron, wait for their commander, OPTIMUS PRIME, to assign a mission for them to undertake. PROWL (walking into the briefing room) I wonder how Optimus needs us today. STREETWISE (also walking into the room along with Prowl) As long as it involves catching criminals, I’m in! He pulls out his triple-barreled shotgun and pumps it. OPTIMUS PRIME Streetwise, that’s enough. Your assignment for today is to investigate the theft of several weapons from the Iacon Armory. If they fall into the wrong hands, the Cybertronian Wars will start all over again. STREETWISE's eyes widen, as do PROWL's. STREETWISE Wait, the armory run by Wheeljack and Shockwave? OPTIMUS PRIME Yes. The very same one. PROWL But I thought only Wheeljack and Shockwave had access to it... OPTIMUS PRIME Whatever the cause, time is running out and you two must find and recver the stolen weapons before the Decepticons use them to free Megatron. PROWL You can count on us, Optimus. PROWL and STREETWISE transform into car mode and race towards the Armory. SCENE 2 As PROWL and STREETWISE arrive at the armory, they transform back to robot mode and are greeted with a horrifying sight. STREETWISE (eyes widening) The door’s been blasted apart! WHEELJACK, the manager of the Armory, walks up to the two officers. WHEELJACK Whoever stole the weapons must’ve wanted them badly. Nobody could blast through those doors before! PROWL (Analyzing the ruined doors) From the looks of it, gamma energy was used to break the doors apart. Wheeljack, may I check your inventory to see what was stolen and what may have been used to break into the armory? WHEELJACK (Handing a copy of the armory’s inventory over) Here you go, officers. PROWL and STREETWISE check the inventory list and the weapon racks, respectively, to see what was stolen. PROWL From what Streetwise and I see, two each of the LV Gamma Disruptor launchers and the LV Duo-Pulse radiographs, and six each of the HPI and RM Storm-Range Null-ray Laser launcher have been stolen. Wheeljack, who else has access to this building? WHEELJACK Only Shockwave. But he couldn’t have stolen the weapons. He determined himself that quitting the Decepticons and working with me was logical. STREETWISE Logical this, Logical that! Why, I’m going to make Shockwave wish he was never built! Suddenly, a laser blast startles the three and they turn to see who fired. They see SOUNDWAVE, Decepticon spymaster, holding his concussion blaster. SOUNDWAVE Laserbeak, Rumble, Ratbat, Ravage: eject. Operation: termination! SOUNDWAVE and his minions start attacking the three who then retaliate. STREETWISE (firing his shotgun) Laserbeak, you tinfoil turkey! Get back here! WHEELJACK (Swinging his wrenches and firing his shoulder cannon) You two get out of here and solve the case! I’ll hold Soundwave off! PROWL ceases fire for a moment. PROWL But there’s too many of them for you to handle! WHEELJACK I’ll be alright! Besides, I owe him one from the battle of Cybertron Canyon! As PROWL and STREETWISE exit the armory in car mode, WHEELJACK, looking determined, aims his shoulder cannon straight at SOUNDWAVE, who is now charging towards him. Just as SOUNDWAVE is about to tackle WHEELJACK, the latter fires his shoulder cannon, causing an explosion in which SOUNDWAVE, his minions, and WHEELJACK are killed. PROWL Rest in peace old friend. STREETWISE Another reason to find Shockwave and bust his circuits up! PROWL Streetwise, if we act that way we’re no better than Megatron and his followers were during the war. Let’s try and track Shockwave down peacefully. As the two police officers race through the streets of Cybertron, they spot a green tetrajet, ACID STORM, carrying some of the stolen weapons. STREETWISE Stop that tetrajet! PROWL I’ll radio Jetfire for backup. After a short radio transmission, Autobot flying ace JETFIRE flies in to intercept ACID STORM. JETFIRE Stop, Acid Storm, in the name of the law! After ACID STORM refuses to comply, he is shot down and restrained by the three officers. STREETWISE Finally, we catch somebody! PROWL Streetwise, how many times do I need to remind you that there’s so much more to being a police officer than catching criminals? He turns to ACID STORM. You have the right to remain silent, Acid Storm. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. STREETWISE Those Null-rays you’re carrying are illegally possessed by you and stolen from Wheeljack and Shockwave’s Armory at Iacon. How do you plead? JETFIRE Streetwise, this isn’t a court case yet. STREETWISE I don’t care. We have all the evidence we need to throw him in jail along with Megatron and his allies. PROWL Every Cybertronian has rights, Streetwise. And for all we know Acid Storm may have been helping to return the stolen null rays. STREETWISE I don’t think so. He pulls up ACID STORM’s criminal record. He’s known to have helped Megatron before, and now he’s helping Shockwave cause even more trouble than Megatron did during the war. ACID STORM I was just listening to my orders. PROWL Whose orders? You know that the war is over, yes? ACID STORM My boss’s orders. STREETWISE (Punching Acid Storm) Who’s your boss?! STREETWISE strikes ACID STORM with his shotgun. Give us a name now! JETFIRE Streetwise, that’s enough! PROWL restrains STREETWISE and activates his radio. PROWL Ratchet, could you come over to fix up Acid Storm? We’re in the outskirts of Iacon. RATCHET Will do. I’ll be on my way. PROWL Thank you Ratchet. SCENE 3 PROWL, STREETWISE, JETFIRE, and RATCHET surround ACID STORM, who is lying down on RATCHET’s operating table. RATCHET is currently tending to ACID STORM’s injuries. RATCHET Alright, that should do it. PROWL Thank you again for your help Ratchet. RATCHET It’s my job to fix any Cybertronian up, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done. STREETWISE Now can we throw him in jail? JETFIRE No, Streetwise, we need to put him on trial first. PROWL You of all Cybertronians should know that, Streetwise. I’m beginning to think that Barricade was a better partner than you are! STREETWISE That Decepticon scum? Are you serious? PROWL Yes, I am. Even he wasn’t as ruthless as you’ve been so far this mission. What’s going on with you? STREETWISE Acid Storm wounded me during the war. Like Wheeljack owed Soundwave, I owe Acid Storm for wounding me too! PROWL I was injured by many Decepticons during the war too. Do you see me trying to wound them in return? No! STREETWISE Only because you’re too concerned with upholding Optimus’ orders! JETFIRE For Primus’ sake, would you two cut that out? We have a suspect to interrogate! PROWL Oh right! STREETWISE Ah, my favorite part, besides just throwing them in jail. PROWL Acid Storm, why were you carrying those null-rays? ACID STORM Because my boss ordered me to carry them. STREETWISE (in an attempt to intimidate Acid Storm) AND WHY DID YOUR BOSS ORDER YOU TO CARRY THEM? ACID STORM (Nervously) Because he wanted me to arm myself. JETFIRE And why would he want you to arm yourself? ACID STORM (After a brief hesitation) For his revolution and to break Megatron out of prison. PROWL Why would he want Megatron to be out of jail? ACID STORM Even I don’t know, and I’m third-in-command. JETFIRE After whom? ACID STORM Starscream and Shockwave, who are the second and first in command respectively. STREETWISE Well that was easy. PROWL Alright Acid Storm, you’re free to go. STREETWISE Wait, he’s not going to jail? JETFIRE Well he cooperated with us in exchange for no jail time. STREETWISE Oh, come on! Resources and time were wasted chasing that green idiot down! He should at least be put in jail temporarily! JETFIRE But Acid Storm cooperated with us, no thanks to your intimidating him! PROWL Besides, we need to track down Shockwave and Starscream now. STREETWISE But what about Acid Storm? Who knows what he’s going to do after being freed? PROWL Our first priority is tracking down Shockwave and Starscream. STREETWISE (a bit reluctant) Alright, let’s go catch those two Decepticreeps! PROWL For once, Streetwise, I find myself agreeing with you! JETFIRE Me three! STREETWISE (With more enthusiasm since his allies agree with him) Alright then! PROWL Let’s go now so we have as much time to catch Starscream and Shockwave as possible! The three transform to vehicle mode and race (or in JETFIRE’s case, fly) in search of the two Decepticons. Suddenly, JETFIRE is shot down by a series of laser blasts, coming from the recently-arrived Decepticon Air Commander Starscream. JETFIRE I’ve been hit! He slowly sinks down towards the ground and crash-lands. He survives the impact but is badly wounded. However, FIRST AID, Autobot medical assistant to RATCHET, sees Jetfire get shot down and immediately rushes him to safety. FIRST AID Don’t worry, Jetfire! Ratchet will fix you up in no time! JETFIRE Thanks, First Aid. FIRST AID and JETFIRE exit the stage. STARSCREAM (Laughing evilly) There’s no hiding from me, Auto-bugs! STREETWISE and PROWL transform to robot mode and start firing their weapons at STARSCREAM. However, they fail to hit him. STREETWISE He’s too fast for our shots! We need some additional firepower! PROWL I’ll radio Bluestreak and Smokescreen for backup! After another radio transmission, BLUESTREAK and SMOKESCREEN, two Autobot soldiers, arrive at the scene of the attack and aim their shoulder cannons. BLUESTREAK Ready, Smokescreen? SMOKESCREEN Ready when you are! PROWL Alright. Ready, aim, fire! SMOKESCREEN and BLUESTREAK fire electrical bolts from their shoulder cannons, stunning STARSCREAM and causing him to crash-land. STARSCREAM then transforms to robot mode and begins firing at the four Autobots. STARSCREAM (Yelling) You can’t win, Autobot fools! STREETWISE He’s grounded! Fire away! PROWL Streetwise, wait! He might have information on Shockwave’s plans for Cybertron! STREETWISE Then we’ll blast the info out of him! Autobots, keep firing! While STREETWISE, SMOKESCREEN, and BLUESTREAK continue firing at STARSCREAM, who returns fire, PROWL radios OPTIMUS PRIME, who soon arrives in the area of the battle. OPTIMUS PRIME Autobots, that’s enough! He turns to STARSCREAM as the other Autobots cease fire. Starscream, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. STARSCREAM Are you seriously using human law codes right now? STREETWISE Shut your mouth you Decepticon scum! OPTIMUS PRIME Streetwise, that’s not how to treat a suspect in custody. How many times must I tell you this? STREETWISE I’m sorry, Optimus, but he was firing at us first! PROWL Streetwise is right. Starscream shot down Jetfire as we were looking for him and Shockwave. STREETWISE Speaking of Shockwave, shouldn’t we be tracking him down right now? OPTIMUS PRIME Our main focus right now is to interrogate Starscream. STREETWISE Even though I like doing that are you sure we should just let Shockwave wander around? PROWL Good point. But we do need to make sure Starscream doesn’t escape. OPTIMUS PRIME Bluestreak, Smokescreen, you should send Starscream to be interrogated. Prowl, Streetwise, and I will track down Shockwave. BLUESTREAK Will do, Optimus. SMOKESCREEN and BLUESTREAK restrain STARSCREAM and all three of them exit the stage. OPTIMUS PRIME Now we can go find Shockwave. STREETWISE What are we waiting for? Let’s hunt him down! As the three transform to their vehicle modes and race off in search of Shockwave, several Gamma energy blasts hit the ground near them, signaling SHOCKWAVE’s arrival in spaceship mode at the three Autobots’ location. PROWL (Sarcastically) Or, rather, let’s have him hunt us down! STREETWISE How did he find us so quickly? SHOCKWAVE Logically, Autobots are easy to spot. OPTIMUS PRIME Surrender, Shockwave, before we shoot you down! SHOCKWAVE Logic dictates my superior firepower will in fact shoot you down, Optimus Prime. OPTIMUS PRIME You will never succeed as long as one Autobot functions, Shockwave. SHOCKWAVE and OPTIMUS PRIME transform to robot mode and begin fighting each other, with PROWL and STREETWISE supporting OPTIMUS PRIME. To be continued… Anyway, that's it. Any critique is welcome.
Since you asked for critique, I'll share what I think. That being said, if you find it helpful that's great, but don't take any one person's advice as the end all, be all. Write what makes you happy. This feels like a good start to a story, and could stand on its own merits with a little work. I'm not sure how in depth you want this to be, but right now it feels more like an outline. It doesn't have much detail, and the conversation feels a little off. Like maybe the question you're asking is: "What do I think the character would say right now?" based on an idea you have of their personality. Rather than "What is this character thinking, how do they feel about what's happened, what do they plan to do or say, and why?" If you can put yourself in your character's shoes and feel their motivations, then what they do next should come more easily.
For instance, at the beginning, it's not super clear that breaking into the armory is a big deal. Obviously it wouldn't be a good thing, but they talk about it pretty casually, and then Streetwise looks really shocked when they get there. I'm not saying he can't be surprised anyway, considering the sheer extent of the damage. But if it's a big deal, it's gotta be a big deal. Which means when Optimus first mentions that the armory has been broken into, the first thing Prowl and Streetwise are going to think is something along the lines of "Oh holy gee, someone broke into the frickin' armory???" And while they won't use those exact words, they're probably going to make some remark on it before jumping straight into "You can count on us."
I just made the first of what I anticipate will be many edits to the play based on your suggestion. Thank you for taking the time to provide critique.
