Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Rusty24, Oct 16, 2011.
A man dies and goes to Hell. Satan says, "You can choose to stay in one of three torture rooms for the rest of eternity." The man says, "Show them to me." In the first room are a bunch of people standing on their heads on spikes sticking up from the floor. The man asks to see the second room. In it are a bunch of people standing on their heads on a floor covered with huge bugs crawling around. The man asks to see the third room. In it are a bunch of people standing in knee-deep garbage drinking coffee. The man says, "I'll take this one." He's locked in, and the overseer says, "Alright, guys, coffee break's over. Get back on your heads for another thousand years."
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. An angel shows him to his house, which is small, but still pretty nice, and is filled with Microsoft products and has a Windows logo on the front. However, down the street, he sees a beautiful mansion, covered with Apple logos, and with big Apple flags in front. One day, he asks God, "How come Steve Jobs got a big house like that, and I got such a small one?" "Oh, that's not Steve Jobs' house, that's mine."
you didn't like this one?
There was one Pinoy (Filipino) who came to America and looked at the classified ads for painting jobs. He came across the "Help Wanted" section that read - "Wanted: Painter of Porch", and thought that was perfect for his capabilities. And so he went to the American who posted the ad.
American: I need my porch painted in a day. You need to scrape all the paint up to the bare surface, and apply a coat of primer then two final coats of orange paint. Can you do that?
Pinoy: Oh yes, sir.. yes, sir! I can remoob the paint then apply orange paint beri well!
American: Ok! You got the job. Just get everything you need from the trunk of the car. After 3 hours...
Pinoy: Sir, work is pinis oreydi!
American: Wow! I'm amazed you did it in 3 hours. Did you scrape all the old paint to the bare surface?
Pinoy: Oh yes, sir! Yes, sir! I tanggalated all the old paint!
American: Well then, here's your $20 bonus!
Pinoy: Golly, sir! Tenk yu beri much. But sir, you don't heb a porch.. your car is a BMW...!
I thought the Telephone one was funny.
A guy goes to his psychiatrist and complains, "Doc, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes I think I'm a tepee. What's wrong with me?"
Doc: "You're two tents!
psychiatrist: "so you are feeling better now. you even saved your friend from drowning. Too bad your friend committed suicide.
patient: No. I had to hang him dry.
What do you call a mummy with a microphone?
A WRAP STAR
Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.
So a farmer and his wife want to have a baby and they tell the doctor about it. The wife says: "Doc I don't think he knows how to make a baby." Then the doctor brings in the farmer and tells him: "Look, what you gotta do is put your pride and joy where she pees." Three weeks later, the wife comes back to the doctor and the doctor says: "Well what's the problem this time?" The wife says: "He parked the d**n tractor on the outhouse!"
I see what you did here.
Well played Brain, well played.
2 Guys are hanging out in a bar on the 10th floor of a hotel. One of the guys says "hey, I bet you a thousand dollars I can jump out of that window, hover in mid air, and float back into the bar. And if I can you have to do it" so the other guy says "ok, but put the money upfront so when you fall and die I'll have my money". So the guys puts up the money, opens the window, jumps out, hovers there for a few seconds, and floats back in and says "ok, I did it, your turn" So, amazed, the other guy figures, what the hell and jumps out the window and falls to his death. So the guy walks over to the bar and orders a drink and the bar tender says "Superman, you're an asshole..."
This thread is the greatest joke of all.
There's these two guys in an insane asylum and one day the decide they don't like living in an insane asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape. So they get up to the roof and they see the rooftops stretching away into freedom. The first guy, he jumps across to the next roof with no problem. But the other guy hesitates. You see, he's afraid of falling.
So the first guy says, "Hey, I've got an idea! I've got my flashlight. I'll shine a beam across the gap and you can walk across the beam and join me."
The other guy replies, "What do you think I am, crazy? You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!"
That was unexpected and funny!
A man tells the doctor, "Doctor my wife is in labor and she's saying things like 'can't, won't, wouldn't, shouldn't,' what do I do?" The doctor replies " oh no that's normal she's just having contractions."
An oldie but a goodie.
Doctor: "Test results are back, Bob. I'm afraid it's not good. You've got Alzheimer's disease and bowel cancer."
Old man: "Aw, that ain't so bad, doc. Least I don't have cancer or anything like that."
I've temporarily closed this thread due to reminding everyone that any type of political jokes, whether they uphold your views or someone else's are not permitted here. We have a strict rule on talking about anything related to politics and that applies in a joke thread as well.
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