I met the woman of my dreams, and we Really hit it off, but we can’t date because I’m white, and she’s Native American, and her tribe would disown her. That’s a kick in the nuts.

 

The old bag was probably just narky. I wouldn't automatically defer to your Asian appearance unless she made a specific reference. Don't let it ruin your day.

 

I went to Universal Studios Hollywood yesterday and intended to buy Evac but they don't sell him anymore  

 

Hates those things that make you feel old.

Watched an old clip of The Soup. It was from Yo Gabba Gabba of a cute little kid dancing. He was 6. Then i saw the date.. 13 years ago. That little kid is in college by now. God realizing stuff like that just instantly makes me feel old.

 

Today is supposed to be a day where you take stock and be thankful for what you have, but my brain will literally not shut the fuck up about everything that's wrong with me and all the shit going wrong in my life.

 

I know exactly how you feel.

 

I know its not a comfort, but you're not alone.

 

Retail holiday hell begins today.

 

Can i just get ONE damn day to myself? God my mom is pissing me off everyday anymore. I work 6 days a week. I work 3rd shift so doing anything during the day is hard. Every day off i am needed to help them with various things. I am stressed out. I get Thanksgiving off and get out of work early. I get home and try to nap, but get called. My dad is having trouble getting out of bed. Ok fine get up and go over. He is having low sugar reaction and we call medical help. They get him tested and some glucose and he is fine. Well i am wide awake at this point so run errands and go home. Late the afternoon I head over. Dinner is running late and I am getting very tired. I'd been up for over 24 hours. I say I need to get home and get to sleep as i am getting very tired if we don't eat soon. She just gets upset acts like she is in tears. Good god. Then it is finally ready. We eat and i go home.

Now i am enjoying getting rest. First day I have had to myself. My sister is there so I should be fine. I am waiting for mail to get here then pick up order from Walmart and get some lunch before more laundry and rest. Get a call. She wants me to come over and put up the tree and do other stuff. I say i can't as I am doing my stuff. She acts like she is ready to cry and gets pouty and upset. I am so sick of this. She acts like I never do stuff for them. I keep getting call like she is tired and i need to run over and get groceries out of the back of her car and take them in.

Is it too much to ask i get a few damn days to myself? I want to be left alone at this point. I am so sick of this manipulation. I get no time to myself it feels like.

 

My mom is the same. If I don't do what she asks (more like ordering or demanding) for, she acts like a child and say she won't do me any favors. Like taking me to the grocery store to buy food for my dad and myself.

 

I hate the decisions I've made.

I made them knowing what their consequences would be regardless, out of selfishness and instant gratification, and I know I would make them again because I'm still that person, and consequently, I hate myself. At virtually every turn, I've demonstrated cowardice and inaction, and justified it with settling for avoiding putting real effort in and "failing" as the best version of myself, in exchange for inaction, in actuality failing as the worst version of myself.

I'm catching myself thinking thoughts I haven't had in years. "I didn't ask to exist." "Someone who only fails is better off getting out before they damage anything else" And they're not untrue. I've known for years I'm not compatible with the world, why should the people just trying to live their lives suffer a miserable nuisance such as myself in their midst? I can't bear to even look at that blight I see in the mirror.

The only reason I'm still around is because I owe it to someone. Someone who never gave up on me no matter what. Someone who could have lived whatever life she wanted, and chose the underthanked, payless job of raising a family, and doing her blessed best at it, to her death. So I have to make her decades of love and care count, and do my best to pay it forward. The best way I can do that is to take what I know best - knowledge - and pass it along to the next generation, and perhaps also how not to repeat my mistakes.

I hate that I have the audacity to interpret that as not having the freedom to do whatever I want with my life. I hate that I know that what I would do with it would break her heart. I hate that I'm like this.

 

You might be surprised.

If she's still with you, people change with time.

If she's not...she has a better perspective from up where she's at. If she truly loves you, and it certainly sounds like she does, it may take some explaining, but her heart will not break. It might grow, and that can be painful, but genuine love will almost always win.

 

God i hate having to pay for extra content in games. I got MK11 for switch. Want the extra fighters. So get the $$ card go and end up buying the wrong set. $15 for the wrong one. Gah.

 

My phone notifies me that I have a match and a message on Hinge.

Her: "Hi! What's your weChat number so we can chat there?"
Me: "Sorry, I don't have weChat, but I have a Snapchat I only use for talking, would that be okay?"

She promptly disappears from my matches about 15 minutes after I replied.

The struggle continues.

 

You have value and worth because you are irreplaceable. You are the only you there is, and you are priceless.

TBH, it really sounds like you need to talk to someone. Please don’t go into this season thinking you are a blight on humanity because you are NOT. Please don’t go it alone, or thinking you aren’t valuable or hating yourself.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline… 800-273-8255…

 

So I talked to my parents for the first time since June over the weekend and learned that over the summer my dad was in the hospital for 10 weeks as his parkinsons has gotten worse. He can't even walk anymore and they apparently had to spend $10 grand to get a wheel chair ramp installed on their house's front porch. Oh, and my brother spent a few months in jail for heroine and is now in rehab.

I'm not really sure how to respond as it is what it is, but you would think their communication would be better than if we were communicating through carrier pigeons.

 

What was the source for 375? Any deaths to bigotry are to many deaths, but the remembrance day article I had read, listed far fewer than that.

 

TMM Update TDoR 2021 - TvT

Most of them are from Brazil and South America, about 125 if I recall, followed by the US where the number is about 46, then the rest are other parts of the world. Considering that transgender people are often intentionally misgendered by police and the news, the number is likely higher, but in accurate reporting of deaths cause the number to be lower.

 

As if we weren't already stretched for cash with me being in school, now we gotta pay to have our furnace replaced.

 

I've told my daughter to get off her butt and train her dog to stay in the backyard. Now I'm looking for him while she's at school throwing off my plans for the day because she can't be bothered


ETA: Little shit crawled back under the gate and into the yard.