Dear Orci...
It's been a week since I saw
ROTF, and...well...I'm disappointed with the final result. I figured that right after this sequel got greenlighted, I said to myself "Well, time has passed, the reviews have come in, so surely Bay, Orci, and Kurtzman would HAVE to have figured out what works and what doesn't work in a movie, right?"
NOPE.
Let's start with the most obvious thing that DIDN'T work with the film: the sex jokes.
I asked a question way back then about sex jokes being in the sequel. You simply answered "Can't make any promises." At that time, I just assumed that you probably learned what jokes can fit in where in a movie. I thought I figured that you would only put in ONE sex joke. Well, turns out there were more sex jokes in
ROTF than there were in the first movie. Seriously, dogs humping? An appliancebot with a penis gun? Wheelie humping Mikaela's leg? Jetfire farting out a parachute? Simmons dropping his pants, showing the audience his ass and his junk covered only by his underpants? DEVASTATOR HAVING WRECKING BALL TESTICLES!? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!? Those jokes aren't funny! Some of the people in the audience at my theater were KIDS, for god's sake! Hell, when I saw the first movie, there were some five-year-olds in the theater that asked their parents "Mommy, what's masturbation?" Do you have
any idea how disgusted the parents were when they saw Devastator having giant testicles? These jokes don't belong in this movie. They don't even belong in ANY movie. They're better suited for a sketch comedy show, not a movie based on a CHILDREN'S TOYLINE. If you want to put in humor for your movies, make them funny. Simply having a robot hump an untalented skank's leg DOES NOT WORK.
Speaking of humor, there was another joke that nearly made me want to kill myself: Sam's mom getting high off of pot brownies. Again, this a movie based on a toyline FOR CHILDREN. I know you and Kurtzman are TRYING to make the Transformers appeal to a wider audience, but again, this kind of humor does not belong in a movie; a movie that has Transformers no less. So either make jokes that ARE suited for a Transformers movie, or just grow up.
The second thing that didn't work for this movie was the characterization. Whenever you have both main characters and supporting characters, it's usually a good idea to give everyone at least one line of dialogue and help them develop their character a little more. Also, giving a character a reason to perform certain actions helps. This movie lacks quite a few. Don't agree with me? I'm gonna list all the problems here:
-The Autobots. When did they turn from peace-loving robots to serial killers? Sideswipe kills Sideways by slicing him in half, Prime shoots Demolishor in the head, rips off Grindor's face, and rips off the Fallen's face. Also, Bumblebee rips off Ravage's spine. They're GOOD GUYS. They only kill when it's necessary. I know the Autobots and Decepticons have been fighting for millions of years, but come on, you can't turn the heroes into savages. Some of the Decepticons don't even put up a fight! Watch Sideways. He's merely running away, not wanting to put up a fight. If I were Optimus Prime, I would simply just put stasis cuffs on these Decepticons and send them to a Transformer version of Guantanamo Bay or something. Making the Autobots KILL the Decepticons mercilessly DO NOT MAKE THESE GUYS HEROES. THAT'S THE VILLAINS' JOBS.
-Jolt. I know he was a last minute addition to your film, but come on, at least ONE line from the guy should be more than enough for ya. Hell, I wouldn't mind if Anthony Anderson voiced him, as long as Jolt actually SPOKE, I'd be happy.
-Wheelie. Now, I'm glad that you made Wheelie cool and everything, but what killed this character for me was where the hell he went in the third act of the film. The last time we see him, he's at the border, being a smart-ass toward the midget guard (BTW, midgets aren't necessarily funny), and then we never see him again. Where'd he go?
-Sideswipe. Doesn't get any more dialogue in the film after Shanghai. He just says "Clear a path!" and "Damn I'm good." When I saw the designs for him, I thought he'd sound a bit like Sonic the Hedgehog or something, given his fast alt mode and his slick robot mode. But instead he sounds like Duke Nukem. Wrong voices for characters don't work.
-Arcee. Same thing with Sideswipe. She just says ONE line, fails to kill-sorry, APPREHEND Sideways, and then two of the Arcee triplets get shot at in the desert. Nice. Way to handle a female Autobot there, Orci. Maybe next time you can just have Pretender Alice show her boobs to little kids, that'll TOTALLY WORK! Hooray for sexism! *Sarcasm*
-Devastator. For a Transformer this EFFING HUGE, his role was very small. All he did was just form himself from construction vehicles that JUST HAPPEN to have the Decepticon logo on them, suck up Mudflap, climb the pyramid, reveal the Sun Harvester, show his unnecessary wrecking ball testicles, and then get killed. By humans. He doesn't even speak, he just roars. Also, how is it even possible for Devastator to be formed when there's still individual Constructicons running about? Is that what you meant by how Demolishor and Scavenger are both "different and the same?"
-Grindor. Or is it Blackout? Fuck it, I'm gonna call him useless Decepticon drone #12. He's never explained, nor does he even at least speak in Cybertronian. Oh, he gets his face ripped off BTW in gory detail.
In a movie based on a toyline for children.
-The twins. Come to think of it, I'm starting to see the racism these two portray. So I was somewhat half-right when I said these two would be negative stereotypes. At least they weren't negative stereotypes of mentally-challenged people (but you'll probably do that in Transformers 3 just to piss me off). But again, I am starting to see why they're racist. They don't know how to read, they speak like wannabe gangsters, one of them is Jar-Jar Binks, and the other one has a golden tooth, like a stereotypical gangster. Also, I really wish you didn't use that one sign the twins had in their ice cream truck mode. "Decepticons suck my popsicle." Oh yeah, TOTALLY no sex joke right there. Ugh...
-The scene in which Starscream, Long Haul, and other Decepticons search a village for Sam and Mikaela. The scene was okay right there, I just wish there were some dialogue. Have Starscream say "Keep your optics peeled, you fools!" and have Long Haul grumble like his
G1 counterpart. Oh right, you can't afford extra dialogue, my bad.
-The Decepticon protoforms. Way to reuse the Autobot protoforms, only slap Blackout/Grindor/useless Decepticon drone #12's head. That's REAL creative right there *more sarcasm*.
-Ratchet. He's in the movie, he just doesn't show up that much. Nor does he do anything. Or say any more lines other than the two he's given. Have I mentioned that dialogue is important? It is, and this movie is lacking it.
-Ironhide. Same as Ratchet.
-The Fallen. He should have put up more of a fight with the Autobots, including "Jetfire's Corpse" Armor Optimus Prime. Also, wasn't he trapped in some sort of fire dimension the whole time, and not on the Decepticons' ship? What happened?
-Barricade. He wasn't in it. Me very sad.
-Scorponok. Way to write him off there. Have him just conveniently show up, injure Jetfire, and then get killed. Oh well, he wasn't necessarily important.
-Megatron. Okay, this Megatron sucks. He's only evil because The Fallen possessed him so he could claim the Allspark? Wow. That's...I can't even BEGIN to describe how cliched and retarded that is. What's worse is that Megatron feels remorse when the Fallen dies. Wasn't it said somewhere that Megatron only helped the Fallen because he wanted to become a Prime himself? If so, why isn't that mentioned? Oh right, you can't afford enough explanations for the plot, either.
The third thing that was wrong was the amount of plot holes in this movie. Devastator being both himself and the individual Constructicons at the same time is a prime example. Here's some more:
-According to the TFWiki (which of course, this could be false, so might be a plot hole, might not), "On the sonar, there are 'five contacts' diving down to Megatron's location, and 'six contacts' going up after his resurrection. Since one Constructicon was killed to repair Megatron, shouldn't there be only five contacts going up as well? Keep in mind, Scalpel is too small to register on sonar, but Ravage is just large enough."
-Bonecrusher's appearance. Yeah, turns out we see Bonecrusher alive and well in vehicle mode, even though he got his head cut off by Optimus Prime in the first movie, and was dumped into the Laurentian Abyss along with his other fallen comrades.
-Isn't Rampage supposed to be YELLOW, and not red?
-Who was the "little one" the Doctor/Scalpel wanted the parts from?
-Wasn't there supposed to be 13 Primes, not 7? It's 13 in the novel, but 7 in the movie. Who's right?
So, you can probably tell that I didn't like this movie, not one bit. IF you, Kurtzman, and Bay are staying for Transformers 3, just promise me this: Make it better. That means no stereotypes, no sex jokes, better dialogue, no new Transformers (at least a few new ones are okay, not 40-something robots), better characterization, and a plot that makes coherent sense. As I said in my review for this movie when I first saw it, the only thing that will convince me to see Transformers 3 is if Bay gets kicked off the crew. The man cannot direct, only provide action and explosions. He should be at least a consultant for special effects, and nothing more. I hope you take this post into account, and maybe...just maybe...if Transformers 3 actually does do better than Revenge of the Fallen, I may reconsider.
WWW.ENCLINEDESIGNS.COM[/url]
).
