If I'm Married to her it doesn't really matter. if I'm not...........My parents would kill me and my Corpse will have to take online college courses and get a job a mickydees. there should be more options. and it depends what you mean.....exactly if not then Dump her
Very much agreed about communication. Agreed, of course. But saying "love is give and take, so don't change" is still a very odd bit of advice when taken on its own, don't you think? Without more information, I'd have to disagree with this. If we don't know the specifics of his moral objections (and Poho has suggested that even he may not be entirely sure of them), then it's tough to comment on what can and can't be compromised. If it's just the potential ramifications on his future career, then I can think of a number of compromises that work around that. If it's something else as well, then it may be more difficult. But without knowing the specifics, I don't think it can reasonably be pegged as an all-or-nothing case. The main point, though, is that I would suggest approaching this as a discussion and an attempt to work something out, not an ultimatum. Even if he ultimately will absolutely not back off an inch, starting things off on that footing is liable to blow everything up in your face. Relationship ultimatums are just bad in general. I'd also argue, hypothetically, that people certainly can compromise their morals "a little", and that you can, in a manner of speaking, "give up drugs a little", ie cut back and/or only do it at specific times/places.
If that is what people were saying in this thread, yes, but that's not really what's going on. People are simply stating their opinion that she would need to be the one to change for this to work out (as opposed to other options which would probably work out for the worst). We both agree on ultimatums not working and the need for discussion. I'm not so sure how each of them giving in a little would help THIS situation much though. That's why I phrased it the way I did. It really depends on the circumstances of course.
Eh? I don't know about "people", but the post I made was in response to a specific person who very much did say that in this thread:
Ive been in love but I dont compromise for anyone. If you cant except me for who I am then forget about it. That's my opinion anyway.
i spoke with her again tonight for a little bit. I need more answers from her...but i don't know how to ask the questions. what i did ask straight up is: Q: did you not tell me that you were smoking pot behind my back because you were afraid i would leave you? A: yes Q: is getting high more important to you than being with me? A: no i have two things to say: -i have no doubt that when the beans were spilled, she immediately went on the defensive, because that's just what she does. It's very hard for me to get upset with her about something and be forward about it, because she is very stubborn, and she's a damn quick draw. i think the "ultimatum" she presented me of "get used to it or leave me" was just one of her defensive mechanisms firing on overdrive. as i said, we've been in this exact kind of situation before, just not with something so huge. this makes me feel that she may be willing to compromise, especially because she feels terrible about hurting me like that. -i have a serious issue here with respect. i hate to say it, and not to hate on you pot smokers, but i lose respect for people who waste their time on it; who have nothing better to do, or who have it just incorporated into their lifestyle. i think it's pathetic. sure, the drug is probably fun (never tried it), and i know for a fact that it is harmless, and i think it's very silly that it's illegal; but i still just have a lack of respect for people who do it. i have similar feelings about alcohol (although havin' a beer or two in moderation is okay; getting drunk is just fucking stupid). so obviously, now that i know she's doing it, i've lost some respect for her. and considering she went ahead and did it behind my back, knowing my feelings about it, means that she doesn't respect my views or my emotions. i don't think a relationship can work without mutual respect, let alone trust (of which i have very little given the circumstances).
all right i'm sure that this is none of our business but since you're asking for opinions then i'll give you my 2 cents and this is just my opinion so if i say something that pushes the wrong button then i apologize and i hope you dont take this the wrong way. But... at this point man why is it you that has to change how you think?she obviously has to see the that you dont approve of this and she's the one thats got to decide what to do.really its sad when you talk to someone that doesnt want to listen.i know because i been on both sides but you shouldnt blame yourself in any way you did what you thought was best.for now it might be wise to just wait and see.you might feel hurt but you gotta know that you tried and know it might be her turn to try. once again hope i didnt say anything that might have crossed the line and that i made a little sense hopefully things will work out
being I was once in a relationship that forced me to compromise in the principles department and morals at times. mostly on her , requests. Needless to say Im glaad I got out of that relationship.It ended badly for me, you shouldnt sacrifice who you are and see the limits you can endure, its simply not worth it.
You lose respect for people who "waste their time on" smoking pot because they have "nothing better to do" while you spend how much time discussing toys on a message board? I mean,she could easily turn that around. EVERYONE does non productive things in their free time. I don't smoke pot either,but I'm not going to sit here going,"not to hate on you pot smokers,but I don't respect you."
If this is about pot, then the answer is a definite no; do not compromise on your morals, which, in this case, I'm assuming are "I don't smoke pot and/or hang out regularly with folks while they're smoking pot." This goes beyond a morality issue at this point and approaches a legal issue. I am honestly not familiar with the laws regarding marijuana use/abuse in Canada, but I can tell you that, in the states, it's almost unilaterally considered illegal and can put marks on any type of permanent record you're trying to establish, REGARDLESS of whether you're the smoker or you were in the presence of the smoker. If you test positive for it on a pee test, someone's gonna know. Even if you *DON'T* smoke around her or with her, and try for any sort of job that would require a polygraph, you'll have to admit that you were in the direct presence of someone that used marijuana regularly, even if it didn't have any effects on you. I'm purposefully trying to use a bit of scare tactics here because, honestly, regardless of how nice this girl may be, she could hamper your ability to get a security clearance, get a higher-paying job, etc. Love is worth a lot of things, but, honestly...you're, what, in your early 20's? I think it's worth it to your own personal sense of stability to lay it on the line for this girl - "It's the pot or me" - and move on with your life. Hell, you may be surprised. I did this to two female friends in my life. One is now a nurse and we stay in regular contact. The other is now my wife.
my bad; i see your logic there. i continue to be confused about why i hate pot-smoking so much. i recall having this same situation with alcohol. her drinking (while it is a rare occasion, and she never gets drunk) used to REALLY REALLY bother me. i never pinpointed the exact reason, but it felt like jealousy.
Wow, no wonder you want to be a cop. It seems like you may offend others in you second statement but in a sense I can agree. But let's not make this thread into a substance abuse issue. My take on it, you are asking her to give up a vice that may eventually lead up to something more harmful, and this vice contradict your goals too. My advice, follow your heart, or take Optimus Sledge's first advice.
Maybe you are, a little. People who do whatever the hell they want with no eye on their future sure act like they are having a lot of fun. Especially if you are focused on where you want to be five, ten years from now, you aren't taking the same risks and you feel like you aren't a fun guy. I took a year off from school when I was 21. Four months in, I was like fuck this, I'm getting my degree so I have more options. My buddy that I was living with, he was into a lot of hard shit, cleaning office buildings for partying money. I dipped out on him so I could knuckle down. Our friendship wasn't the same after that but you know, I don't care. I'm at the point now where I'm stable, married, a homeowner and able to support a family. He's mostly grown out of his drug phase but is still years from owning his own home or settling down with someone. And he's 35.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. Two people on the opposite side of the spectrum on subjects like these are NEVER a good match for eachother. It's like an extreme liberal trying to be married to an extreme conservative. Why would you do that? Sure there may be other things you two can enjoy in between, but eventually you end up clashing again. Then it becomes clashing just for the sake of clashing because you are both never truly comfortable with eachother. My ex used to nag the fuck out of me for my drinking. All my best friends drink like I do, and even though our drinking is only on weekend get togethers or special events, we get ridiculously fucked up when we do and she hated it. So much so that she didn't want to be around my friends. My friends saw her as a stick in the mud, and she saw them as immature assholes. We broke up. And our lives have improved as a result. Not just because of our disagreements on drinking, but because of other things we disagreed with about life in general, career decisions and politics, etc. I hope you figure out what's best for you both. Good luck man.
this. although i dont have the same opinion on pot as you do, some people hate weed, some people love it. If you think she would rather get high than be with you, let her bounce. plenty of good chicks out there that dont get high. good luck man.
What does she look like? I'm sure that there are some tokers here that will take her off your hands! Seriously though, people have vices. Almost all people. Isn't there anything that you do that she is against? If the answer was yes, then well, if you truly are in love, you both should be able to work something out. Yes her keeping it from you was wrong but, if you continue to hold onto that one thing she did wrong, you will never be able to co-exist, the relationship will not move forward and most importantly, you will have lost something that could have been. If you can name at least 3 different things about this girl that you love and can't live without, things that no other girl has ever done before, you need to find the solution. IMO of course. And yes I can understand both sides of this story and if the word LOVE didn't appear in the title of this thread, well, my views may have been different. Good luck my friend, BM
i keep swaying back and forth on this. part of me want to cut it off; to just tell her i won't date someone who smokes pot... but part of me is actually ok with it, because i love her, and love is beyond the constraints of the real world. while it's really terrible that she's been doing it behind my back for five months, at the same time, i haven't noticed any difference in her behavior, so clearly it's not like she's a different person now.
