When we started the relationship four years ago we were on even footing, but her mind has clearly changed.
Depends. In the situation you're suggesting, no. You're not going to be happy with that person if they don't change, and compromising your own values will make you unhappier still. Cut free and run. But stick it in her pooper first.
No of coarse not, Love is meant to free you not bind you. In your case Poho, I think helping your GF with her drug problem is something you should do. Running away will only make you feel like shit if something bad happens to her.
The pooper talk is getting pretty old. But yeah, I agree with DK. It seems like she's already picked the drugs over you. It may be hard to let go but realistically, you're just wasting your time there. Unless she goes to rehab or acknowledges that she has a problem, things are only going to get worse. After all, you can help and support someone if they don't think they have a problem.
Well, most people including myself don't think pot is a problem, but I still don't want to date someone who gets high regularly.
What if she doesn't have a problem? From what we know, Poho doesn't want her to get high regularly, but getting high even once a day doesn't automatically equal having a problem. Basicly, she just does it behind his back. Kinda like how people may hide smoking cigarettes when their partner doesn't smoke. If the only thing she is doing is smoking a little weed every now and then, I really don't see what the big deal. She may not have really wanted to date someone who collects toys, but accepted that. Relationships are about give and take, if she isn't destroying her life with it, then perhaps it is not her that needs to change her life for Poho. Change does work both ways after all.
Yeah but it depends on how regularly she gets baked. If its once in a while with a bunch of friends, whatever. If its affecting her everyday life, then its a problem. I've seen both and there's a pretty big difference between the two. For Poho, if you don't like anyone taking any illicit drugs, then that's your choice and you have a right to it. Instead of trying to change the person, you should find someone else, plain and simple.
ream: Do they have pot rehab? For real reals? I mean you really go check into a clinic and they rehabilitate you? I don't think we're talking about smoking rock here,we're talking about some high school girl smoking weed with her buddies.
I wouldn't say it depends on how regularly either. I know plenty of fully functioning and successful potheads that get stoned two or three times a day. I will agree that if it is affecting her everyday life, then it is a problem. This is a problem for anything really. Doesn't have to be just drugs. Nevertheless, it shows ours attitudes that most are so quick to label a person with a drug problem cause someone doesn't like that other person using. It's a thin line, and we're all making assumptions based on lack of details.
Probably best not to, then. I sympathise with your situation. As someone who doesn't smoke pot, I found people who do were extremely dull to be around when I was at college. Maybe dull isn't the best word, but someone who's stoned when you're not isn't great company. If she's getting stoned more often than you're prepared to deal with, and she's not gonna change, you've either got to change yourself or leave. And I don't think changing yourself is the right thing to do here.
I agree. I was in a similiar relationship where I changed myself for my girlfriend of 5 years. I stopped partying, socializing, and generally being the fun person that I was for the girl I love. I did what Poho wants from his girlfriend. The problem came not from my changing, but from my girlfriend's inability to change in return. So be warned Poho. If you do get her change, it could come back to bite you in the ass when she wants you to change.
she doesn't have a problem. like i said, she's been doing it behind my back for five months, and from what i can see it has had no effect on her. but now that it's out in the open, she has told me straight up that she likes doing it, and that she's going to keep doing it, and that if i can't handle that we should break up, because she doesn't want me guilt-tripping her whenever she does it. It's a weird situation. she can't see the logic in my morals, because in reality, pot's harmless. in fact, i'd rather pot was legal and alcohol not. but i still don't want to be dating someone whose favorite activities are "dancing, watching movies, hanging out with my boyfriend, and getting high". i just can't respect that. and she isn't a high school girl, and it's not some silly thing, this is serious guys. i've loved this girl with every fiber of my being for over four years, and even with ups and downs, it has been a GREAT four years. we often talk about getting married and speculate about our future together. she's naturally independent and stubborn though, and firmly believes in her right to do whatever she wants. this type of situation has come up before, but with things far less serious, and they have always been resolved. but drugs man...even weed. weed's not that bad at all, i just don't want to date someone who does it. i don't want to go over to her house to hang out with her and find out she's stoned, ya know? and even if we make an arrangement that she will not do it if there's any chance of seeing me, it's still going to kill me knowing that she's doing it. i don't really think she understands the stakes fully...the last two days she has been very very sad and apologetic about betraying my trust; she's really down on herself about it. i haven't accepted her apology, nor have i forgiven her. but it's clear that she doesn't want to break up, and that she still loves me. i think she just needs a wake up call. my plan, i think, is to fully explain in detail my reasoning for why i don't want her to smoke pot (which i haven't fully explained here because i don't fully understand them myself), and say that i won't back down. i'll tell her i love her, but i can't be with someone who smokes pot; and i'll tell her she has to choose: does she want to get high every weekend with her roommate? or does she want to be with me, a boyfriend and quite likely future husband, who treats her like a fucking queen because he loves her more than anything in the world, and gives her the freedom to do whatever she wants (except drugs). oh, and one more thing: i want to be a cop.
It's a really sad situation. Hopefully, if she loves you as much as you love her, she'll realize you're better than getting stoned with some friends. If not, and she refuses to give it up even though she knows it upsets/hurts you.. then I'd just let her go. Maybe threatening the relationship will be enough of a reality check for her to stop her childish behavior. She's got someone who's dedicated enough to the point of discussing marriage and a future; if she gives that up to get high she's being dumb. Just try and talk some sense into her.
Kind of a hard to say for certain until you have done so ya know so wouldn't a better question be "have you compromised your morals and/or principles for love? My answer would then be no.
Well that explains it all, really. She doesn't have a problem, but you don't want her doing it even though in theory you have no problem with weed. Seems the problem is more you than her. Obviously, there is more to the situation than her just wanting to get stoned, and maybe you should consider that too. A confrontation or demand of "it's weed or me" may be the wrong way to go about this. Perhaps, just some time apart so you can both think about what you really want would work better than the 'it's all or nothing' attitude.
Athough this is serious, I'm afraid I have to agree on Optimus Sledge. Some thing do get old, and unless you are tokening along, the smell isn't pleasant.
If it's only a minor thing, then yes. By all means change it. But think on this: If you fell in love with her as she is, then why does she now have to change that? Pot smoking is minor. But is it STILL a change. What about the next thing one of you finds that you don't like? You're setting a precedent here, Poho. If you can do it to her, she can do it to you. Not to mention that if she does resent you for making her change, that's instant trouble in paradise right there. As for me personally? Been there, done that. NEVER doing it again.
Behind your back for 5 months+she won't stop+she already mentioned breakup+sex on pot is mindblowing= I'm sure she is doing other things behind your back. Jump ship brother because she has. Thanx Transbot90210
