Okay, so I'm supposed to be the best man at a friend's wedding in about a month. Now, I consider almost all interpersonal relationships to be unnecessary shackles that erode the very core of your being, so I know little about the ceremony that a marriage entails. Here's what Wikipedia, that diverse and frequently autistic oracle, had to say about best man duties, along with my remarks about how they relate to this particular wedding. - Organizing a bachelor party for the groom We'll drink or something, but we're not big fans of the stripper-cake, and we don't even know that many people. - Possibly helping plan or organize some details of the wedding All of that is being dictated with an iron fist by the bride's parents (the groom's mom is in the ground and his dad is rather passive). - Getting the groom to the wedding on time, generally by sleeping in the groom's bedroom the night before Non-sequitur. My sleeping in his room would guarantee jack shit. - Supervising the groomsmen Like what? "Straighten your tie"? "Stand over there"? "See if you can cop a feel on that bridesmaid"? Shouldn't the rehearsal take care of most of that? - Holding the bride's ring at the altar The ambiguity of this directive is really quite dangerous. - Acting as the officiant if the wedding ceremony is paid Huh? Isn't an officiant a clergyman or some such? I mean, I could pretend, but I'd probably be burned at the stake. - Giving a speech at the wedding, usually at the expense of the bride and groom, and thanking the bridesmaids Right up my alley, I love making fun of people. As for the bridesmaids, I guess I could thank them for being hot, if indeed they are. I'm informed that the maid of honor, who I'll be escorting, is the hottest one. - Stocking the men's room at the reception with mints and soap The only reason I can think of for why someone would need a mint in a men's room is if he'd been giving a blowjob and/or indulging in some coprophilic fetish, and needed to get the taste out of his mouth. That is literally the only thing that springs to mind. At any rate, I'm sure I'll have a classic "Thoughts From..." for you all after the event.