Understanding a Long-Distance Marriage (a call for help)

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Spartan Prime, Sep 19, 2007.

  1. Spartan Prime

    Spartan Prime is an apathetic douchebag

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    Not many here know this, but my wife is in the navy and is stationed in Atsugi Japan. She's been there since May 9th of this year, and we've always been very close, one of those "everything in common" types of relationships. We love everything the other loves, make the same dumb jokes, we're endlessly entertained by one another, and since only a few weeks after I met her (while I was dating another woman), I knew her and i would get married. It's just been that great.

    But she left for Japan, and I haven't seen her since. We talk on AIM, an email here or there, once in a great while she'll find time to call me (this is getting more and more rare), and for the most part, we've kept optimistic.

    A few weeks ago, I decided I'd be moving to Japan with her, get off-base housing with her, we'd make it the rest of her station together, because we've both been so sick and lonely. I fly out to be with her December 9th, touching down early on the 11th.

    But slowly, more and more I've noticed her changing. She's been lonely, and I know that she's never taken to that well. But now she's been getting to the point where she makes me feel like I'm just there, and not her husband. We set aside a full day, scheduled off work and everything, to just sit and talk, and halfway through, she decided to join her friends for a movie, and spent most of the conversation preoccupied with an online RPG. Needless to say, I was hurt by her lack of enthusiasm for talking with me.

    She still loves me, and tells me such, even going on to thank me profusely for not giving up on her all the while she's been there away from me. She says married coupled will fight, but she's admittedly changed a lot. And I'm finding it hard to love her for it. I can't find the words to say this to her though.

    What the hell should I do? I'm at my rope's end, and I feel like I'm about to give up. I'd hate doing it but i'm so beat up about all of this, I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. Rabbit

    Rabbit Weary

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    I wish I had some advice for you but surely the military offers counselling for this sort of thing? Maybe you could take advantage of that?
     
  3. Gen. Magnus

    Gen. Magnus Everything is Awesome

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    That sounds like a great idea to me.

    It sounds as if she has gotten so used to you not being there that she is having trouble going back now that you are there. I can only hope that this change will occur but it will take time just as her coping with being without you took some time.

    I'm not the praying type but you are in my thoughts and I wish you the best. I know what it is like to have a woman like that in your life and how important they can be. With that, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Persevere, for your sake and hers.
     
  4. kronos

    kronos PSN = KRONOSX1

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    if you love her DO NOT GIVE UP! She sounds like a sweet woman and this may be just as hard on her as you. So the whole preoccupied thing could be the brains way op copping with the situation. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Just dont give up on her.
     
  5. Liege Prime

    Liege Prime Well-Known Member

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    You sound like you have an honestly good relationship- but every relationship I have seen in the Navy (I was in the Navy) were really stressed and many broke up. The thing is, she needs human interaction, don't feel upset that she options to hang out with friends- that's just what she needs to do. So do you, to. Unfortunately, this leaves people open for outsiders, and that's what you have to be carefull with. There are a lot of other people getting actual face time in, and that can cause the distance in the relationship to really show. My suggestion would be to move where you have to and live with her. I think it's the only way. Oh, and if she is really into the MMORPG, you may want to join that to.
     
  6. Spartan Prime

    Spartan Prime is an apathetic douchebag

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    It's a message board RPG. I tried joining, but it didn't click with me. We have one we used to use all the time, but it's fallen to disarray. I tried to get her to go back to it, but she isn't so inspired to write there.
     
  7. Malach Ra

    Malach Ra TFW2005 Supporter

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    man, i sure hate it for you. military marriages are hard when the two arent seperated for long lengths of time. I cant imagine what it would be like apart like that. I think you guys need to see each other immediately or as soon as possible. best of luck man, and I sure hope everything works out for the best.
     
  8. rikkomba

    rikkomba Retired Minicon Guru

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    About her not paying attention to the conversation, I think it's not about you two, it's about her loneliness. She wants to think about anything else but the fact that she can't stay next to you. Maybe.
     
  9. Bryan

    Bryan ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

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    'Prolly a waste of time. The military means well, but their support structure is weak at best.
    I'll second this. Your marriage will work or it won't, and this is the only way to find out. The only thing I'd add is that it sounds like you're relatively young, and it might be a good idea to realize it's possible your marriage might not work out. That'd be a shame, but it's life.

    Best of luck with it.
     
  10. Jeremy.B

    Jeremy.B Formerly Leader Blackout TFW2005 Supporter

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    SP, I thought it was rough when my fiance and I lived two hours apart; I really feel for you. I hope all works out for you.
     
  11. Moonstreaker

    Moonstreaker The Evil Triplet

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    I think you should go out for a visit ASAP. That way you can get an idea of whether or not there is anything left to salvage.

    I went through the same thing when my fiancee took a job down in New Orleans and I was supposed to follow 4 months later. It got so bad that after 2 months I decided to drop everything one night and jump on the next fllight to NO. You know what? I was glad I did. That was one of the worst weeks of my life. After I got over the intitial shock of it all I was just releaved that I didn't uproot my whole life only to have it come crashing down on my head.

    I hope things don't turn out that way for you. You should seriously think about taking at a trip out there in the next week or two though. Best of luck.
     
  12. 1UpCheatachu

    1UpCheatachu Lemony Fresh TFW2005 Supporter

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    I agree with Moonstreaker. Best of luck, SP.
     
  13. Arcee

    Arcee Optimus Scourge Forever TFW2005 Supporter

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    She sounds like an "out of sight out of mind" type person. Can I ask how long did you know each other before you married and how long you have been married? Depression can lead to the mind's denial of the marriage.
     
  14. Spartan Prime

    Spartan Prime is an apathetic douchebag

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    we knew each other for about a little over a year, and have been married since last november. like i said, it was apparent we wanted to be with one another from the start, neither or us denied it, and when the idea of marriage came up, neither of us were afraid of it.
     
  15. Bryan

    Bryan ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

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    Did you get married before she joined the Navy? Or did the idea of marriage come up when she found out she was being transferred out of the area?
     
  16. Spartan Prime

    Spartan Prime is an apathetic douchebag

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    she was stationed in maine. i mentioned the RPG site we used to frequent together, this was how we met. we began as writing partners and it turned into phone calls. within a few weeks, we were smitten for each other and we had never been happier. we visited one another for a long time before we talked of marriage, and we had a quick ceremony, only about a month in a half in preparation, then i moved to maine with her for near 4 months until she left for japan.

    i should have gone with her, but the navy told us she had gotten the orders before we were legally wed, and thus, they didn't feel like doing the paperwork for me to go with her.
     
  17. Bryan

    Bryan ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

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    I wish you the best of luck, I really do. But my familiarity with military marriages and situations like this doesn't really bode well for you.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd try to get out there and visit her. But I'd make sure that I didn't let my life get completely off-track, and that I was moving forward with what I wanted to do in my life also.
     
  18. Spartan Prime

    Spartan Prime is an apathetic douchebag

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    i called her at work a little bit ago, and got into this situation with her unexpectedly. i went on about the whole thing until my phone card expired.

    she got in AIM and was mad at me, but said she understood why i was hurt and what she was doing. she seemed more mad at herself then me, really. but i managed to get her making joked again.
     
  19. FreshDebesh

    FreshDebesh <b><font color=brickred>oye chak de phatte!</font> Veteran

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    That's a good sign. Hope it all works out!
     
  20. 1UpCheatachu

    1UpCheatachu Lemony Fresh TFW2005 Supporter

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    As do I. I wish you best of luck (again).
     

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