Transformers: The cybetronian great war

Discussion in 'Transformers Fan Fiction' started by megatronski, Dec 15, 2009.

  1. megatronski

    megatronski PURGE THE HERETIC

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Posts:
    4,918
    News Credits:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    202
    Likes:
    +181
    Part 1:
    Orion pax sat on a tram, on his way to the cybertronian
    Warehouse district. He and his best friend Dion were both
    Workers at the Cybertronium processing plant. "Ya Know Dion,"
    "We should Quit this boring job, and go Find a more exciting
    Life." said Orion pax. "Someday Orion pax, but today we are
    both Worthless factory workers." Said Dion "Ok Dion, i guess
    Your right. but someday we are gonna leave this factory, and
    Become famous. " Exclaimed orion pax.


    Little did he know he that someday, Was today.
     
  2. megatronski

    megatronski PURGE THE HERETIC

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Posts:
    4,918
    News Credits:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    202
    Likes:
    +181
    The tram arrived at the Cybertronium processing plant. Orion pax and dion got off the Tram quickly, Because they just found out they were late. When they finnaly got to the plant, they were amazed. The entire factory was under High security, by The cybertronian army's drones. "Whats going on?" Asked orion to one of the drones. The drone said "The entire planet is under attack by rogue cybertronians, who call themselves decepticons. This factory is a huge target for the decepticons. their leader megatron would do anything to get his dirty hands on cybertronium . You better get Inside the factory. Its not safe out here. " The drone lead the two bots into the factory.

    Inside the factory, buisness continues as usual, the rocks went down the conveyor belt, being chopped away by the workers, who were searching for cybertronium.Dion and orion got to work immeadiatley.
    Hours passed and the day went down as usual. but then, a huge explosion Rocked the Factory. it was the decepticons, and they were going to do anything to get the cybertronium.


    (Below is art for dion )
     

    Attached Files:

  3. Hiraga

    Hiraga BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL

    Joined:
    May 16, 2008
    Posts:
    4,900
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    151
    Likes:
    +2
    I really think you need a spell check, and maybe a better writing style. Take your story a bit slower, it's going too fast. It's an okay start, but needs a lot of work I'm afraid.
     
  4. megatronski

    megatronski PURGE THE HERETIC

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Posts:
    4,918
    News Credits:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    202
    Likes:
    +181
    Thanks for the tips. im gonna go much slower on the story, and work on my punctuation.
     
  5. megatronski

    megatronski PURGE THE HERETIC

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Posts:
    4,918
    News Credits:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    202
    Likes:
    +181
    The doors busted down, And Many Decepticon drones poured into the factory. They were going to capture the factory workers. Orion and Dion Tried to Fight off the drones with their mining tools. "Why Do These Decepticon guys want the cybertronium?" Said dion, slashing at a drone with an axe. "Im guessing they want it to construct more of these drones!"Said Orion .
    One of the bigger drones, about twice the size as Orion , came tumbling Toward the two bots with a Huge axe in its hand. "Watch out Dion! " Said Orion, But it was too late. The Drone struck Dion in the chest with its Axe. Dion fell to the floor. In a fit of rage, Orion Struck the drone with all of his power. The drone was split in two. Orion ran to Dion. "Dion! Hurry, get up and we can get to the Cybertron hospital!" Dion Just shook his head, and Turned to grey. his friend Dion, was dead. He picked up Dions body , but when he turned around, the first thing he saw was a fist. he was knocked out cold.
     

Share This Page