transformers:revolution chapter one

Discussion in 'Transformers Fan Fiction' started by maximus prime3, Feb 23, 2007.

  1. maximus prime3

    maximus prime3 Banned

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    this is for people who haven't seen it here is chapter one


    Transformers: Revolution

    Chapter one: The Rebellion Begins

    Cybertron is in turmoil, the Quintsessions are in charge, and robotic slaves called transformers are being forced to work day in and day out.But that is about to change because of one hero. His name is Maximus Convoy.
    Maximus was heading home from work, earlier that day, there was an energon spill in the factory and the boss took the poor transformer and put him into the smelting pool. “What a horrid way to go”. Just because he spilled a little energon, he was put into the smelting pool.” “Someone has to do something about it.”Maximus said.He pulled into the truck stop.While he was eating his meal, a quint came in and just aimed his gun at a transformer named powerdash, which is Maximus’ best friend, and shot him in the chest. “Dash” Maximus saud and he ran strait to his fallen comrads side. “He should have gotten out of my way” the quint said. “That is it, I am tired of you quints, I will destroy each and every quint until Dash is avenged” Maximus shouted.Then, he pulled out his gun and Blew the quint up.”This statement is directed to Alpha Q. I, Maximus Prime, declare a revolutionary war for the liberation of Cybertron.”
    He ran out the door and transformed into his semi mode and started running over every quint in sight. “you quint have stayed your welcome”, maximus shouted, “I will kill all of you and the transformers will be free.” Then, he drove into an abandoned tunnel and transformed back into his robot mode and jumped through a wall, which is actually a secret base, and got behind a computer. “I got to contact Alpha Trion and get the rebels together to take Cybertron from those despicible quints” he said. “But what shall we call ourselves.” “Hmmm… I got it, we shall call ourselves Autobots."
     
  2. Alpha Prime

    Alpha Prime Ten Years Strong

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    An English Nighmare. You have two tenses: present & past. Captilization errors galore. And lack of commas, and a run-on sentence or two. I'll correct it and repost to save you the trouble of correcting everything.
     
  3. Alpha Prime

    Alpha Prime Ten Years Strong

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    I hate impropper English in a story. i do it too but not two tenses. Did you even attempt to proof read that?


    Transformers: Revolution

    Chapter one: The Rebellion Begins (Edited Version)

    Cybertron was in turmoil, the Quintsessions were in charge, and robotic slaves, called transformers, were being forced to work day in and day out. But that was about to change because of one hero. His name was Maximus Convoy.

    Maximus was on his way home from work. Earlier that day, there had been an energon spill in the factory. The boss took the poor transformer who spilt the energon and put him into the smelting pool. “What a horrid way to go,” Maximus thought, “They put him in the smelting pool just because he spilt a little energon. Someone has to do something about it.” He pulled into the truck stop.
    While he was eating his meal, a Quint came in and just aimed his gun at a transformer named Powerdash, which was Maximus’ best friend, and shot him in the chest. “Dash!” Maximus yelled as he ran strait to his fallen comrade’s side. “He should have gotten out of my way” the Quint said. “That is it; I am tired of you Quints! I will destroy each and every one of you until Dash is avenged!” Maximus shouted. Then, he pulled out his gun and blew the Quint up. “That statement is directed to Alpha Quintsession. I, Maximus Prime, declare a revolutionary war for the liberation of Cybertron.” He ran out the door and transformed into his semi mode and started running over every Quint in sight.
    “You Quints have over stayed your welcome,” Maximus shouted, “I will kill all of you and the transformers will be free.” Then, he drove into an abandoned tunnel and transformed back into his robot mode. He jumped through a wall, which was actually a secret base, and got behind a computer. “I have to contact Alpha Trion and get the rebels together to take Cybertron from those despicable Quints,” he thought, “But what shall we call ourselves. Hmmm… I got it, we shall call ourselves Autobots."
     
  4. maximus prime3

    maximus prime3 Banned

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    thank you for correcting it, but it is maximus not maximo and to answer your question no, i wrote it in 20 minutes and instantly posted it
     
  5. Alpha Prime

    Alpha Prime Ten Years Strong

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    Sorry, clicked the wrong thing when i spell checked it.
     
  6. maximus prime3

    maximus prime3 Banned

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    it is okay, i just had to point that out when you corrected my story
     
  7. maximus prime3

    maximus prime3 Banned

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    btw, maximus convoy looks just like ultra magnus but in maximus prime colors
     

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