Told my wife I'm leaving her...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Spartan Prime, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. Spartan Prime

    Spartan Prime is an apathetic douchebag

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2006
    Posts:
    3,225
    Trophy Points:
    207
    Likes:
    +3
    ...about an hour ago. We've been having issues forever. The Navy split us up for almost two years about four months into our marriage and we had only been dating about seven months prior to that. It wasn't really in our favor. Been in therapy to help me try and make things better, but that turned pretty quickly into my therapist telling me that it was alright to be unhappy and the guilt means that I care. But really, I just feel like an asshole for not being able to make my wife happy because of my own doubts and issues...

    I know others out here have gone through this... help a guy out?
     
  2. swampflight

    swampflight Banned

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2007
    Posts:
    1,727
    Trophy Points:
    126
    Likes:
    +0
    You are not alone.....

    Right now I'm trying to get a divorce going from my wife because no matter what I do,she's never satisfied with me or any effort I try to make and the fact that her F***ing parents moved in with us after we got married only makes it worse.All I can say is try your best to make it work but dont completly blame yourself if she's not happy with you.
     
  3. chrisr291

    chrisr291 Master of the Unknown

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2009
    Posts:
    12,358
    News Credits:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    227
    Likes:
    +33
    Ebay:
    If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Your story sounds a lot like mine (well, without the military part) and I just eventually walked away. I was 21 at the time, dating my high school sweetheart and it just wasn't going to work. When your that young, it never works so in all honesty, just cheer up because your suffering is over.

    It may not feel like that at this current moment in time but after awhile, you will realize it was for the best. Also, its not your fault man.... it takes 2 to make a marriage, if she was trying as hard as you, the two of you would probably be together.
     
  4. Nachtsider

    Nachtsider Banned

    Joined:
    May 10, 2008
    Posts:
    12,544
    News Credits:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    201
    Likes:
    +3
    Is the fact that your Navy duties keep you apart from her the only issue here? If so, go back and make things work. Physical distance is a weak excuse for a break-up.
     
  5. thenatureboywoo

    thenatureboywoo Veteran

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2008
    Posts:
    8,206
    News Credits:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    207
    Likes:
    +18
    What did she say, when you told her?
     
  6. BairdimusPrime

    BairdimusPrime Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2009
    Posts:
    586
    News Credits:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    111
    Likes:
    +1
    Marriage is tough. I've going on 4 years, i have 2 kids and lost one recently.. we argue constantly anymore but its from the stress we've been under.. bottom line in a marriage you're working together to reach a common goal HAPPILY if you're not happy after all of that work and therapy then move on its for the best. it will hurt at first but it will get better. Life is full of trials and tribulations.. good luck and God bless
     
  7. Wheeljack_Prime

    Wheeljack_Prime Don't eat me

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2008
    Posts:
    11,359
    News Credits:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    222
    Likes:
    +41
    I kind of think the bolded is a good indicator why you should stay and try to work it out.
     
  8. seeker311

    seeker311 The Collector

    Joined:
    May 14, 2007
    Posts:
    9,188
    News Credits:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    197
    Likes:
    +28
    Im surprised that leaving the armed forces is not an option; it would be for me
     
  9. Dark_Convoy

    Dark_Convoy Old Bastard Veteran

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2002
    Posts:
    17,201
    Trophy Points:
    271
    Likes:
    +0
    If you're not happy go. Staying when you're not happy will only lead to more problems and resentment in the future.

    You only have one life.
     
  10. KnightSaberAmi

    KnightSaberAmi Nyan Nyan

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2004
    Posts:
    2,896
    Trophy Points:
    201
    Likes:
    +0
    Before you walk away ask yourself one question: Did I do a piss poor job at trying or have I really tried to make this work out? I've been a Navy Brat so long I feel like I should be getting retirement pay and all the other perks that go along with it like Tri-Care; I miss my Tri-Care. I've seen the bad and the good that comes along with being in the service. So if you have done your very best to make this work out then thats all you can do. You see as many as you guys are quite aware that marriage does take two to work. The 50-50 thing is a load of crap, somedays are 90-10 in your favor and somedays are 90-10 in your spouse's favor. Its about supporting one another and there are days its a full time job. But it gets really trying when only person is doing the work after awhile your left feeling the way you do. You will mourn over what could have been, just be wiser next time.

    Not so...I had a friend of mine that was dying to marry a sailor but she never wanted to leave NorVa. (you're kidding right you do know the guy you're marrying is on a carrier and they change seaports...right...?) Needless to say his turn for shore-duty came up and he was transferred to Chicago to be a recruiter and she was absolutely miserable the entire time she was away from her family. They eventually came back to NorVa. We had a falling out and I caught up with her a few years later after my Dad died and asked how her hubby was? She told me flat out she didn't know cause she wouldn't see him for 4 years since he was in Japan. You see there are some cases where distance can come between 2 people and no I don't believe they will be the same couple once he returns to the states; 4 years is a very long time to be on your own.

    Did the two of you have any kids together? Either way you have them or don't its a blessing and like I said if you really have gave it your best good faith effort and she hasn't, its time to go. Just another Chapter in the book of life to close and move on to the next.

    There is an old saying that I have heard some of the lifers throw around the single ones that if the Navy wanted me to have a wife they would issued one with my seabag. Sometimes they weren't kidding. ( We won't get into the 55 y.o. 2nd class my dad and I saw running into the NEX with hash marks running up his arm.)
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2010
  11. Nachtsider

    Nachtsider Banned

    Joined:
    May 10, 2008
    Posts:
    12,544
    News Credits:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    201
    Likes:
    +3
    That's what telecommunication is for. Bridging distances. Believe me - two people in love separated by vast distances can sustain their relationship on a diet of telephone conversations/online communications/what-have-you if they put an effort into maintaining contact as often as they can.
     
  12. KnightSaberAmi

    KnightSaberAmi Nyan Nyan

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2004
    Posts:
    2,896
    Trophy Points:
    201
    Likes:
    +0
    I will agree with you up to a certain point in this matter. In all seriousness, you gotta be strong to carry on a long distance relationship. In the relationships that I have had privy to ( one partner confiding in me) I can't tell you how many times I've seen these relationships fail because one persond didn't want to wait it out anymore. You see I thought the way you do, until I figured out that piece of Sh!t ex-fiance of mine was cheating on me. We talked almost every night, wrote letters all the time, visits what have you. I had a 3,000 dollar rock sitting on my finger but like I said people change, its life, we are constantly changing and growing as we go. I was strong enough, he wasn't, so I had to cut him loose and it was the best thing I ever did because I have a good man now. There are days I wake up and wonder how in the hell I ever found him. I never thought that I would ever have another relationship and I was quite happy to be single but on the other hand it was depressingly lonely as hell.

    Spartan Prime, you'll know when you know, you know when what you've done has failed and no longer works. I can't say when that point is and neither can anyone else here on the boards. I honestly hear where you're at but if you're looking for my blessing on the matter thats something I can't give. This is your life, you have to live with your decisions and this is one I cannot make for you. Keep in mind opinions are like...sure you know the saying. But when the decision is made to completely end the relationship and you have a sense of peace, then you'll know if you made the right decision. It hurt quite a bit for me but in the end I knew it was the right one for me and I had to make it, not my parents or my friends but with their support I got through it and so will you. Good luck, Take Care, and keep us updated if you wish.
     
  13. sunlink

    sunlink Be Transformed TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2006
    Posts:
    1,770
    News Credits:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    211
    Likes:
    +7
    Can't say I'm divorced or in the process of being divorced or separated but I am married. Been married for 5+ years now. We have our ups and downs. My wife travels for work a lot so I don't see her as much as I'd like but that is life. Life isn't perfect. Your Spouse isn't perfect. Heck, we're not perfect. A marriage takes compromise, understanding and love.

    I just pray that all works out for you. If anything I hope both of you remember your vows. Hopefully, they meant something when you both said them and hopefully you'll find they still mean something now.

    to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. [yeah it's a pretty standard vow]​
     
  14. Rumble02

    Rumble02 Radicon of Obliticons

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2005
    Posts:
    10,204
    Trophy Points:
    267
    Likes:
    +25
    i would say try and stick with it. That is why wedding vows are not guidelines. but actual vows. till death due you part and for better or worse means what it says. now if one of you was unfaithful then by all means get out.
     
  15. Chaos Muffin

    Chaos Muffin Misadventure Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2004
    Posts:
    28,751
    Trophy Points:
    322
    Likes:
    +4
    Follow your heart in this. Don't give in if you two really love each other.
    Every soldeir needs a good woman to come home too.

    Now if all this revolves around any trust issues, then yeah that's a bad path to follow.
    Or if you all don't get along, no reason dragging the relationship through the mud.

    You could tell her to wait at the beach, then hijack the Navy ship and go meet her.
    When you get to the beach , start running for her. When you get shot fall down in slow motion and yell Noooooooo
     
  16. SpencimusPrime

    SpencimusPrime _

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2009
    Posts:
    1,704
    News Credits:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    126
    Likes:
    +5
    Thread won. If you're leaving because you care, you should stay.
     
  17. Spartan Prime

    Spartan Prime is an apathetic douchebag

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2006
    Posts:
    3,225
    Trophy Points:
    207
    Likes:
    +3
    Before I go into the breakdowns, I should add that she's the one in the Navy, not I. We've been together again for a year+ now since I came over to Japan to live with her on base.

    We only had distance in our relationship. For the first two years of the three we've been together the longest amount of time we spent together was three months, uninterrupted. It isn't so much the distance that split us, it was the lack of growing together that initial sparks what a marriage should become.

    First she was quiet, then she was mad (complete with violently swiping clear a shelf of Transformers and custom figures I had made, breaking a few of them). Then she cried, I cried, we talked, tried to rationalize. Fell asleep.

    And I think the fact that I don't want to break her heart shows that I'm not doing this for selfish reasons. I believe it's the best, and that neither of us are truly happy here, we're just in a far away country and we're all one another has had for a long time.

    As said above, she's enlisted, not me. She's getting out at the end of her 5years.

    I tried. And for a while we got along a lot better. But there wasn't any heart in it. We wore one another so ragged trying to learn to live with one another, this has been more like living with a roommate, not a wife. And no, no kids. A recent pregnancy scare, yeah, which only further cemented to me that I needed to get out before I lingered so long a kid DID get brought into it. I want kids some day, but not in this situation. That's unfair. And she's tried. She's done a better job than I have. But we just don't work well outside of said "roommate" mindset.

    I don't bring God or gods into my personal business. Not religious, never have been. I respect those who are, and understand the notion set forth by the aforementioned vows, but I'm realistic enough to know that that just isn't how the world works anymore.

    I'm not leaving because I care. I've stayed because I care. But it's left me so stressed I've exhausted other friendships, had mental breakdowns, and watched my hairline recede about two inches while my scalp has thinned out from stress. We've both tried hard, but neither of us are truly happy, we just go through the motions.
     
  18. Team Jetfire

    Team Jetfire Pop-POP!

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2006
    Posts:
    5,889
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    232
    Likes:
    +13
    I assume that you guys don't have kids?

    I only ask because it further complicates the situation.

    I have know many couples that have been in your situation. Married young, lives change, divorce, move on. My brother in law married at 22 and was divorced at 27. They too tried to make it work, but they had just became different people over the 5 years that they were together and no longer were happy.

    Don't take this personally, but I think that people get married too young. When you are in your 20s your still have a lot of growing to do. Rarely does your life ever become what you thought it would be when you left High School and people tend to find themselves in their twenties.

    That being said, I was Married at 21, so what do I know about anything...

    Good luck with everything Spartan and make sure you surround yourself with other friends and family who can support you through it...
     
  19. thenatureboywoo

    thenatureboywoo Veteran

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2008
    Posts:
    8,206
    News Credits:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    207
    Likes:
    +18
    It's a tough situation. I don't envy you in the decisions that you have to make. Just remember love isn't something that happens, love is what you do.
     
  20. Wheeljack_Prime

    Wheeljack_Prime Don't eat me

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2008
    Posts:
    11,359
    News Credits:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    222
    Likes:
    +41
    How much longer until her 5 years are up?
     

Share This Page