The Truth About Autobots

Discussion in 'Transformers Fan Fiction' started by Stonecrusher, Dec 31, 2011.

  1. Stonecrusher

    Stonecrusher jerk to storytelling

    Feb 15, 2009
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    ALTERNITY SC30987 [Transformers Nexus Revised]

    Decepticon Commander Shockpulse



    Autobots are well-known throughout the cosmos as good, kind, intelligent beings who would never hurt a fly. Obviously, those who say that fail to notice there are instances where Autobots have DESTROYED ENTIRE PLANETS. Okay, one, and it was Gobotron, but they're JUST as brutal in battle.

    In order to understand what we, the just faction labeled Decepticons by the general populous, need to do, you need to learn what some Autobots are really like. And that's the message of this document…

    PART 1: Governmental Control

    "Power corrupts, and Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

    That quote pretty much covers the majority of Government officials. Before you go any further, I would like to point out how their government works for those among you who do not know, and I am SURE there are many:

    Lowest Level: Civilian Autobots

    These individuals, while technically neutral, wear the Autobrand with pride. They're dupes who don't know the origin of the Autobrand. (HINT: It used to be a slaving brand created by the Quintessons, which are extinct… for the most part.) While we respect their decision, we hope they reconsider. Especially since some of our more fanatic members tend to kill them at random. We're trying to deal with that.

    Second-Lowest Level: Science Autobots

    This class includes mostly scientists. We respect them as well, and hope their exploits serve Cybertron in years to come. Except for that Wheeljack guy. *See Section 3 for details*

    Third-Lowest/Third-Highest Level: Military Autobots

    For some reason, brutes that you'd expect to be in a caste lower then pond scum somehow grab a branch here on the way down. Most of them often are brutes who would save helpless civilians with the intent of shooting them down later, and scumbags that act aloof in order to attract attention (I'm looking at YOU, Tracks and Sunstreaker. You flamboyant prisses.) By contrast, Decepticons tend to actually protect civilians from casual dangers, save cybercats from being stuck in metal spires, and often dress in casual armor that makes others feel comfortable…

    …Except for that prick Starscream. I don't know WHY he is still around. I suspect that Megatron keeps him around as a punching bag.

    Fourth-Lowest/Second-Highest Level: Primes

    Primes are, well… unpleasant people for the most part. At any one time, there can be up to thirteen registered Primes, in reference to old tales of the god Primus making thirteen dudes kill that Unicron character for him.

    These are the names of the Primes in order:

    1. Maximus Prime – Yes Man
    2. Sentinel Prime – Dick
    3. Optimus Prime – Bigger Dick
    4. Zeta Prime – Biggest Dick in the Galaxy, kicks robopuppies
    5. Rodimus Prime – Whiny little glitch
    6. Autobus Prime – Nerd
    7. Alphamus Prime – I don't like his helmet
    8. Nova Prime – Second-Biggest Dick in the Galaxy (Went insane, painted himself black, now calls himself Nemesis.)
    9. BigBang Prime – Who?
    10. Modus Prime – He's a minicon. A FRIGGIN minicon.
    11. Leo Prime - Furry
    12. Omega Prime – I can't tell if he's technically a real person or just some Optimus-UltraMagnus Hybrid Combination of some kind.
    13. Nexus Prime - …Yeah, this guy is nuts. He thinks he's a member of the Thirteen guys who beat back Unicron. Nutcase.

    Upon becoming a Prime, a transformer is given a fancy paperweight known as an Energon Matrix, along with a customized upgrade. For some reason, they like to keep that Energon Matrix within a chest compartment. Idiots. Don't they know keeping those things too near the spark to possibly cause hemorrhages?

    Fifth-Lowest/Number One level: Magnus

    Magnus is pretty much a synonym for "That guy you have to obey or get curb stomped by." These guys often try to take over other planets through diplomatic solutions. To date, there have been ten Magnuses in recorded History:

    Zeemon Magnus
    Novaron Magnus
    Strike Magnus
    Burst Magnus
    God Magnus
    Powered Convoy Magnus
    Nostalgia Critic Magnus
    Infinity Magnus
    Impactor Magnus
    Magnum Magnus (Although he prefers the name Ultra Magnus since he finds the official name redundant or something. Egotistic prick.)

    Although a Magnus rules Cybertron directly, he can also rule other planets by Proxy, using members of the Convoy rank to pass his laws onto the innocents of their colonies as they see fit. The Galactic Alliance extends his power to even more despicable lengths, and we have to stop them.


    When talking about our faction, it is important to first identify and debunk the various lies the Autobots spread about us. They are too numerous to catalog all of them, but below are the main ones.

    • Decepticons are Terrorists: Sure we blow slag up, but to be fair, chances are they were liable to explode in the first place.
    • Decepticons are Immoral: We are not. We just operate by a slightly different ethic system. It’s less black and white, and more… blue and orange. Or red and purple. Or something.
    • Decepticons are idiots who keep treacherous fools like Starscream around because of this stupidity: …I’m not sure how to debunk that, but it is wrong. My brain am thinking good with stuff.
    • Some Decepticon Generals are obsessed with power: For the most part, they’re common, decent people who would never let power go to their CPU. The only exception is General Zod. To quote that odd fellow, “KNEEEEEEEEL!”
    • Megatron Eats Autobot Protoforms for breakfast: He’s more partial to the sparks of his enemies. And occasionally Energon Steak.
    • Decepticons are Gun-Crazy: The last guy who said that learned the truth the hard way.
    • Decepticons hate and despise everything around them: ONLY APPLIES TO BONECRUSHER.
    • Decepticons are Nerds and Geeks: … With the exception of Rumble and Frenzy (And maybe Shockwave) no, we are not nerds and geeks.


    Here are a few figures in the Autobot Ranks that you should consider dangerous:

    Wheeljack: This scientist's inventions tend to… well, explode. We're not sure how, but I'm sure the guy's nuts enough to make everything a bomb, and then try to explode it in his lab. No wonder his sh*t never works. If you see him, punch him in the face to stun him, and then wave down a Decepticon flier nearby, who will be glad to assist in his detainment.

    Ironhide: This guy is gun-crazy. Has two cannons on his arms at all times. Shooting him won't work. He'll just notice you, and running just gives him a challenge. For fun, he shoots cybercats.

    Bumblebee: This yellow bastard is nothing but a giant walking target. He likes walking in the park and blinding innocents with his yellow exterior. Shoot him before you go blind, and do us all a favor.

    Dinobots: Five titanic robots who transform into extinct earth lifeforms called Dinosaurs. If you see them, hide before they see you, or stand still. Their optic sensors seem to register movement more then actual visual information, especially in beast mode.

    Jazz: This guy thinks he's an African-American Cybertronian, due to exposure to the rather foul culture of humanity, which strangely enough, attracts his interest. This confusion is only aggravated by the twin morons he has tagging along, Skids and Mudflap, or as some cons prefer to call them, Skidmark and Mudbrain. Or Target Practice.

    Optimus Prime: This guy likes people to think he's a heroic character, constantly preaching to others about how "freedom is the right of all sentient beings" and how the fight for freedom will never die. However, spend a significant amount of time observing him outside a battle, you'd find he's a lot more content with slacking around, consuming energon cookies, reading certain illegal material and generally being an all-around jerkass. He is such a big jerk, that it's actually kinda scary. He is a scary character, and deserves to be shot right in the CPU. Pray for anyone under his command. Pray for them.


    While we CAN defeat the Autobots by ourselves, we can use a little help once in a while. Here's what you can do.

    • Shoot an Autobot in the Processor every time you see one.
    • Distract an Autobot before a Decepticon can sneak up.
    • Ram your car, ship, transport, or whatever into an Autobot EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. You’ll survive, trust me. And if you don’t, you were pretty much insignificant anyway you would’ve died for a good cause.
    • BLOW SHIT UP! It’ll kill the Autobots faster!
    • Try to seek peace with the Autobots and Decepticons to ensure a shining future for everyone
    [Due to treacherous writings aimed at Commander Starscream and General Zod, Shockpulse has been placed in a retirement facility for the time being. The rest of the pamphlet has been written by Decepticon Enforcer Lugnut at great expense and at the last minute.]


    [due to threats of violence, Decepticon Enforcer Lugnut has been removed from his current responsibilities. Rest of the pamphlet will be written by Decepticon Shocktroopers Runamuck and Runabout.]

    Uh-uh-uh-uh, uh…. Decepticons… rule!

    Yeah, he-he-he, yeah, he-he-he, I rule!

    You don't rule a thing, Muck!

    I ruled your mom last night.

    That was YOUR mom, and it was ME doing the ruling!

    [Due to general incompetence by the other writers, We leave you with a statement written by Decepticon Communications Officer Soundwave.]

    Autobots: Inferior.

    Decepticons: Superior.

    End: This Pamphet.

    {This document takes place in the Transformers Nexus comic series, which can be accessed via the link in my signature}
  2. ARCTrooperAlpha

    ARCTrooperAlpha Well-Known Member

    Feb 2, 2011
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    Gold !!!!!
  3. vatarian

    vatarian SPIDER8ITCH

    Dec 20, 2010
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  4. optimegatron

    optimegatron Not over, not finished.

    Jul 9, 2011
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    Shit, I just laughed so hard I got in trouble for waking everyone up!!!
    The only thing missing is a trollface at the end...
  5. SavageThunder

    SavageThunder 11th Doctor's Huntress

    Oct 14, 2011
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    that was funny and awesome at the same time dude!!! :lol :lol :lol :lolol :lolol :lolol :lolol :lol 
  6. Koolimus Prime

    Koolimus Prime Weapons Expert

    Oct 2, 2010
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    The references, especial Beavimuck and Butt-About, point to this being in the Animated universe, right? Anyway, this is AWSOME! :bay 

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