This is reprinted from TFans where I originally posted it like a year and a half ago... so enjoy. Just don't take it entirely seriously... The Secret Origin of Lord Madhammer Chapter I The Timely Arrival of Destiny It was a fateful evening, full of fatefulness. Portent hung in the sky like a pillow propped up on a stick. The sky grew orange as the sun slowly fell below the horizon. And the clouds were sort of pinkish too. Kind of a pretty sunset, actually. But Lord Madhammer had no time for pretty sunsets. Not this evening. No, this evening would be different. For this evening would be the evening that Lord Madhammer's life changed forever. The black car wound up the dusty drive towards the mansion on the hill. The iron gates closed behind the car, as it wound up the dusty drive towards the mansion on the hill. The gates were black too. The car stopped and an old man in one of those butler suits came out to the car to open the door. He was the butler. He opened the door and out stepped a man. Not just any man. This man was Lord Madhammer. "Good evening, sir," said Lord Madhammer's butler. Lord Madhammer's fingers twitched involuntarily, as if he would like nothing better than to strangle his butler, but he didn't do that. Instead, he said, "Evening, butler." Lord Madhammer instantly walked around the car and then went inside. The mansion was huge. One of the biggest mansions of any that had been built. And it contained many secrets. But none so secret as the big secret that Lord Madhammer knew all about, but which nobody else knew anything about. Especially that butler, because butlers don't really know about secret things. They just make tea and answer the door and take the pets for a walk, if it's not raining outside. Walking through the main hall, Lord Madhammer passed a large portrait of his father, hanging above the massive fireplace. There was a little brass plaque under the picture, and this is what it said: KEN MADHAMMER The family name, "Madhammer," had been in the Madhammer family since 1769, when Admiral Percy Squeamish, Viscount of Buxom-on-the-Green, had relocated his estate and his family and all of his servants, and his pets too, to a quaint little village called Madham. The village had previously been known as "Bungwater," since its humble beginnings in 1216. However, ever since the Pig Plague of 1675 (when hundreds of people all over the countryside had succumbed to the strange disease known as "the Pig Plague disease"), the town had been known as Mad-ham. Admiral Squeamish's firstborn son, Albert Squeamish, became known as "Albert the Madhammer" by his school friends. The name stuck, and was passed down from the generations to the next generations, for years to come. They didn't keep the "the" part, however. It was not fitting for one of such noble blood. Little did Albert the Madhammer know of the amazing but true fate that awaited his only living descendant, Lord Madhammer. (Lord Madhammer was born "Louis Bernard Madhammer" but shortened the first two names into one, because "Louis" in particular was the kind of word that would make Lord Madhammer twitch and quiver most strangely. And it was forbidden for any of Lord Madhammer's servants to use that name in his presence. So he became known as Lord Madhammer to all.) When Lord Madhammer reached the basement of his mansion, he turned on a light switch. Light instantly appeared, flooding the entire cavernous room with light. Before him stood the one thing that would alter his destiny forever. The great secret that he had been carefully hiding all his life. And now his life was leading up to this moment -- the moment when everything was about to change.