Today I was really tired at work (my "real" job not the gas station) and was doing a fair bit of complaining about being tired when a co-worker starts rubbing his fingers together (you know the whole "world's smallest violin" thing) and says, "Hey, you know what this is?"

To which I replied, without even thinking about it, "You playing with your mom's clit?"

...He was speechless.

 

That was good, man.

Every sentence in my conversations with my friends can't go without another comeback. Some of them suck and make no sense, some are genius IMO.

Friend:"I can say some words in Japanese"
Me:"I can say your mom in Japanese: SLUT!"

 

That's not that snappy at all. I can say your mom in Japanese? that's such a forced joke. Dark_Convoy's, however, was rather funny. I'm surprised there are douche bags still doing the world's smallest violin thing.

 

I had one co-worker say the other day "You're negative. You always have something negative to say." All I said to prompt that was to tell another co-worker that I doubted there was food left after the company provided lunch. I replied "That is your perspective. And, you have the right to it."

With hindsight being 20/20, I thought of response like:

"I had a doctor say that sitting next to you on a daily basis can cause negativity."
"I'm negative? I guess that makes you to opposite of negative. A nosy bitch?"
"Wow, it sure smells like shit in here. Oh, wait, that was just you talking."

 

Doesn't all that defeat the idea of a "snappy comeback?"

 

I actually pay a team of crack writers to follow me around and script all my material. It's just like I'm on a T.V. show!

 

I always find 'and?' to be a good comeback in most situations.

 

It does, but it makes me think for next time for my next snap/zinger.

 

Here's a foolproof comeback:

"That's not what your mother said last night when I was putting my penis into her vagina!"

Never fails.

 

I always liked interrupting people's shit talking with, "Shut the fuck up bitch".

 

Damn,I come with Combacks.

 

What????

 

not a snappy comeback, but when i was younger and had some surgery, when the nurse was checking on me i opened my eyes and said boo... scared the crap out of her.

 

At work, a couple guys and myself constantly try to one-up each other on "your mom" cracks. Keeps you on your toes and really makes snappy comebacks almost involuntary.

Good times.

 

The best comeback I ever heard was at this high school job back in the day.

I was working at this low-rent Italian restaurant. Sundays after church was big business for us, and this one guy used to come in every week with his eight or nine year old son. This kid was a hellion--he would throw stuff, snap at the servers, all sorts of crap like that, and his dad just ignored it. The mom never came, rumor was that she was deceased but I don't know that for a fact.

So at this place, we had a semi-open kitchen--especially the pizza area, which customers could observe through the glass. One day, this kid runs back into the pizza area, and shouts at the cook, "My daddy makes more money than you!"

And the pizza cook, a guy named Scott Basil who was awesome, bends over and whispers, "Yeah, but I'm fucking your mom." Priceless.

 

Dark Convoy, you are my hero.  

And I love all the other snappy comebacks from the others.  

 

While at work the other day, I had been doing a bit of manual labor, and ended up sweating a bit. One of my off-duty employees came by with a couple friends and said, "Mr. D., why you sweatin like that? Just from putting that standee together?"
I quickly replied, "No, I fell asleep while putting it together, and had that nightmare again."
He falls for it, and says, "What nightmare?"
And I say, "The one where you, me, and yo mom are on TV, and Maury says "You ARE the father!"
His friends laughed, and I got back to work.
Not my best comeback ever, but a little creative.

-Tony!

 

I guess this is more of a diss than a comeback, but still funny. When we were in college, my best friend was checking his email at the student center. This one guy we knew comes up to my friend and starts talking about this girl we knew and how much he liked her and blah blah blah. After that guy was done talking about this girl, he asks my friend "So, what do you think about her?" He closed all the windows to the computer, turns to him and says "I don't," and walks away.

 

My co-workers have all but given up on trying to slam be because I always manage to turn it around on them, usually pretty brutally. Being so early in the morning I can't remember a specific but as soon as I do I'll post it.

Nice one by the way Dark_Convoy.