Relationship help

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by oddobot, Jan 22, 2007.

  1. oddobot

    oddobot carpe diem all diem long

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    Hey peeps and poops,
    I have a hell of an issue here. The other night, after lying to me and her mother, my wife went out, behind my back and got totally trashed drunk. She is never much of a drinker, and these assholes were giving her tequila and vodka. That really pissed me off. Of course, she's of legal age and such, but that is not the issue. The issue is the lack of respect she showed her mother and me. I could have wrecked coming home from work, her mom could have had to take her little brother to the ER (he has allergy issuses), and we couldn't have gotten ahold of her.

    By the grace of God we finally did, and after fighting with her FORMER friends to let me take her home, I got her home and we proceeded to have a knock-down drag out fight, complete with yelling, screaming, the whole 9. I told her that real friends would not have let her get that drunk, full well knowing that she had never drunk either of those before, and that they would have told her enough is enough, or that her husband needed to be called. I gave her an ultimatum, our marriage or them. She told me she chose our marriage.

    Now my quesiton...was I right or wrong to make her choose? In my eyes and those of other friends of ours I am. But I put this before my TF family as well, just to see another side of the spectrum.

    Thanks for reading,
    Jay
     
  2. Shaun_C

    Shaun_C The REAL One True fan Veteran TFW2005 Supporter

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    Sounds like you gave the ultimatum out of raw anger rather then rational thought.

    When both of y'all have calmed down, definitely talk TO each other about the situation and not AT each other. If needed find an impartial 3rd party to act as a mediary (I believe that's the term)

    Ultimatums can be dangerous ground, sometimes given one is warrented. But when they're not, the person tends to fight back with "Oh yeah, I'll show you" and do the direct opposite just out of spite. Although in your post it seems she chose the marriage.

    I say rationally try to explain why you got so mad w/o raising your voice. And in regards to your question. If you have to ask, then most likely you know the answer
     
  3. MegaMoonMan

    MegaMoonMan www.megamoonman.com TFW2005 Supporter

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    Why did she have to lie to go out in the first place?
     
  4. Dark_Convoy

    Dark_Convoy Old Bastard Veteran

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    You made the wrong ultimatum, it should have been "No more lies or no more marriage"

    Your wife is a grown woman and she is responsible for her own actions. Don't blame her friends, she obviously did what she wanted to do, espcially if she lied her way into going to do it, this is HER fault not theirs.

    Trust is of the utmost importance in a marriage, and I would be more pissed about the fact that she lied than the fact that she went out and got trashed.

    How about you tell her next time at least tell you where she is going to be in case there is an emergency, IMO there's nothing wrong with going out to have a good time with your buddies, and if you try to stop her from doing that it will only lead to resentment and more lies.

    Just tell her to be open with you from now on.
     
  5. Lance Halberd

    Lance Halberd oh hai

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    These former friends of hers, did they hold her down and force tequila and vodka down her throat? Has she ever acted out like this before, or is this something new?

    How much control do you have over your wife's life? I think we need to know more backstory before we give any advice.
     
  6. oddobot

    oddobot carpe diem all diem long

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    Thanks Shaun. Well I gave her the ultimatum after we got home and again after she'd had proper time to sober up, she chose us both times. She's not a spiteful person, at least she didn't use to be. I guess what made me so angry was( i probably should have added this to the original posting, but) she said there was an hour that she just couldn't remember is anything happened, and there was another guy there. And like I said, she wouldn't answer her cell.

    And Megamoonman, I don't know why she lied. I care nothing for her going out.
     
  7. oddobot

    oddobot carpe diem all diem long

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    I try not to be controlling. I want her to live a life and be happily married.What pissed me off about her "friends" is that they had so little respect for her, that they never even bothered to call or nothing, let anyone know what was going on, lied to me and her mother, and tried to tell me that I couldn't take my wife home. I know she did the drinking, and that is what hurts the most. She disrespected me by lying to me, and doing something behind my back. She's never done anything like this before. I know these people, they have always been assholes since we were all in high school. I never liked them then and totally depsise them now. The girls husband called here passing out threats like cupcakes ata fat kid convention, I told him to bring it, I have a 110lb German Shepherd that'd tear his ass apart. And if all else failed i have several very sharp swords............
     
  8. Samana Rombuca

    Samana Rombuca Well-Known Member

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    I agree completely. It's much more reasonable and thought out.
     
  9. Foster

    Foster Super Mod

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    Sounds like her friends are real losers. I'd keep them the hell away from her.
     
  10. onesock

    onesock Banned

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    I agree with D_C.
     
  11. llamatron

    llamatron Shut up, Nigel. TFW2005 Supporter

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    Her friends sound like typical morons.
     
  12. MikeTSI

    MikeTSI The Reclaimer TFW2005 Supporter

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    I'm with D_C on this one as well. Shaun made a pretty good point too about the ultimatum situation.

    Mike
     
  13. Foster

    Foster Super Mod

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    And I have no problem with the ultimatum, especially if you feel it's worth leaving her over. If you wouldn't go through with your threat, then don't say it.

    But make sure she knows her lying is the real issue.
     
  14. lita 1

    lita 1 Records Keeper

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    There is no her fault your fault. The responsibility lies on you both. There has to be a reason why she did what she did. Even if that reason is just plain irresponsibility. I think it would be a good idea for you 2 to sit down in a neutral place like a restaurant. This way you 2 have to think about what you say before you say it. You need to communicate. You may not like what she has to say but you need to listen not just here it. She may also not like what you have to say, but say it. At that point all you can do is hope she listened to you. Things will not change over night so don’t expect them to. It will take time. Remember anything worth having is worth fighting for. Sounds a tad corny but it is true. Show her you are willing to go the distance for your lover, partner, companion, sounding board, best friend, and wife all raped in one.

    And just let me tell you 1 thing coming from a women, we will tell you what you want to here just to get you off our back, for a while until we have time to process and think about what you said. No keep in mind she may tell you this until she calms down but if she loves you she be willing to talk soon.

    P. S. It may take her a few days to do so. Don’t start push to hard for the time being.
     
  15. oddobot

    oddobot carpe diem all diem long

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    Thanks everyone. Things have calmed down considerably. Even if people have starting calling me at work, threatening me and such, which led to me getting wrote up for having so many phone calls in a short amount of time, but that aside things are going better. Her former friends husband called and said he was going to "whoop my ass" but he is nothing more than an ignorant redneck who IMO, poses no threat to me. We've talked at great length in the past 2 days/nights, and we've gotten a lot accomplished. Maybe the skies are clearing, but from now on i'm never going to be caught without my umbrella.........again thanks guys and stay tuned....
     
  16. Tenebrouser

    Tenebrouser Craft...or is it crap?

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    Sounds like you were being a MAN.

    I think you did the right thing.
     
  17. Transbot90210

    Transbot90210 Banned

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    A missing hour
    another guy
    threatening phone calls
    sneaking out for the first time

    wow I really don't want to be in your shoes for 2007

    sorry I'm not going to sugar coat a responce. Either I'm the only one that sees the upcoming storm or people here are too nice.
     
  18. Darkravager

    Darkravager Zombie Hunter

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    Funniest marriage related quote today.
     
  19. optimus_prime_rules_007

    optimus_prime_rules_007 Banned

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    I think you need to ask yourselves some seriouslyy hard questions.

    1. Why did she feel the need to go out without her husband and get stone wasted?

    2. Why did she feel the need to sneak around about it and lie to not only you, but her mother?

    There are many more questions and marraige is not an easy road to travel. But you have to have open trust, honesty and respect for each other. Giving her an ultimatium may not have been the best idea, but I can certainly understand why you did.

    Would I have done that with my wife? No, I don't think so, but to each his own.

    I think you both need to have a good long and loving chat about the deeper issues in your relationship, because I'm going to tell you, in my experience, there is more going on here than a simple, she lied, went and got drunk with some idiot friends stuff going on.
     
  20. Transbot90210

    Transbot90210 Banned

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    ok so someone else other than me sees the forest through the trees
     

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