(#700 spoilers abound, so beware)

Good GOD.

I just read Batman 700. I am so sick of Grant Morrison's drug-addled, terribly written, nonsensical, weird-for-weird's sake, retro-retcon, poorly scripted, horribly paced, self-entertaining GARBAGE.

Look. Before we go down a certain path, let me be clear. I like new, fresh, out of the box thinking stories. I like Warren Ellis, some older Alan Moore, select Mark Millar, old school Frank Miller, etc. Heck, I even usually like the first 3 issues or so of alot of Grant Morrison's arcs....but they always descend into drugged out, confusing messes. Im 35 and he's missing me completely. I mean....who is he writing for? Who is his target audience?

Clearly himself. He doesn't seem interested in crafting a great, heroic Batman tale with solid, traditional characterization. He seems obsessed with taking obscure little bits of comics from when he was a kid...you know, the really bad stuff most of us want to forget, like the Batman of Zur En Arrh and the like, and trying to somehow give it validity by putting some lsd influenced dark spin to it, and thusly showing how amazingly deep and clever he is, while satiating his inner child by explaining why there was a Batman from another Earth with Super Powers...or whatever ridiculous nonsense it was he dug up that should've stayed buried.

After the insane MESS that was Final Crisis, and the convoluted, messy trainwreck that was RIP, why did DC continue to let Grant Morrison have the "Keys" to Batman? Now we have the inane Return of Bruce Wayne storyline, and it's sister piece, #700.

#700 is a classic example of how to ruin a comic by trying too hard to have a clever "look how smart and weird I am" McGuffin, yet doing a HORRIBLE job of telling an actual STORY. While alluding to an overall "grand" mythos that just seems like a bunch of confusing, ill-explained 2-3 page random mini-flashes that serves as a type of reverse Return of BW story, where we see the "future" possible Batman myths, the overall story seems to allude to the fact that Grant Morrison is attempting to say the mythos of the Batman are now something of a universal constant, as now the mythos stretches back to the stoneage all the way to the distant year of "Grant Morrison on-drugs future-year". There will "always" be a Batman, Robin, Joker, etc. And....yes...they can find themselves working together through time and space to solve generational crimes, which is odd, because thusly they seem to be saying that Batman Beyond is an up and running, existing future.

The only positive thing I can say about this issue is the Batman Beyond cameo, which is starting to look like a much better alternative than the now-ruined DKR future. Special thanks goes out to also out-of touch- cashed-out, one trick pony Frank Miller for ruining that vision by making the sequel and ASBM&R.

The panel flow and storyline of 700 are just a mess. All over the place. It's like he's attempting to kind of rip off 12 Monkeys, but he has lost any ability to actually tell a cohesive story. Ooo...the "maybe machine!!! I'm so brilliant!"

#*%$! you Grant Morrison.

Stay away from Batman. We need the Green Lantern treatment for Batman....i.e. find someone like Geoff Johns that has a burning passion and understanding for the character and let him free to make some great books. Another example would be what Whedon did with Astonishing X Men. Morrison just has a dark chip on his shoulder and is using Batman to prove his childhood Batman stories aren't just terrible crap that is the worst stuff in the character's history.

Ok. Now. I feel better. I just had to get that off of my chest. Feel free to counter with the typical "you are too small minded, you just don't get his amazing, layered storylines, you are too afraid to step out of conventional comics yaddayaddayadda" SHUT UP! Grant Morrison is DONE. And I like Doom Patrol.

I guess trying too hard to be the Terry Gilliam of comics has it's limits

 

Yeah. I picked up Batman 700 today cause I figured it'd be cool to pickup a milestone issue and from a quick flip, it looked like Bruce Wayne was back (I refuse to buy/read anything where he's dead, I hate when comics do that because you know they're just going to come back).

Then I got home and read it. I had absolutely no clue what was happening through the entire comic. I though maybe it was just because I wasn't a regular reader, but that doesn't seem to be the case. The comic did seem to be just a huge, nonsensical mess.

 

Just bring Bruce back already and give me good, one issue stories centered around the Rogues Gallery and I'd be satisfied.

 

I wish comics in general would get back to one issue stories. I hate when a story is drawn out over six months or a year; by the time the conclusion rolls around I don't care anymore. And I think it would draw a lot more casual readers back if comic companies would worry more about selling the current issue than the next issue.

 

To be fair, most writers write what entertains themselves. Popular writers are simply entertained by the same things that entertain the audience. For Morrison that clearly worked back when he did JLA. With Batman... not so much I guess. That's why so many times when a new writer takes over for a character the first thing they do is UNDO everything the previous writer did, bringing the character back to teh status quo they liked when they read the book.

However, it does seem that the new Batman animated is tapping into the same vein that Morrison is poking at, and that is doing well, is it not?

 

This is an interesting quote, I agree.

 

Oh...Brave and the Bold....hm. Well, I'm not really sure of the numbers, but I do see the toys alot when I'm shopping. If it is successful, at best it's regarded for very young kids from what I can tell. I'm a MASSIVE Batman fan and I'm not into it. It does remind me if Grant Morrison were writing a kid's show Batman from the 60's TV show era....but I'd say at least the episodes make sense, which I can't say for Mr. Morrison's recent writing.

 

I can at least stand morrison. Tony Daniels stories made me drop the book from my pulls. Batman and Robin is hit and miss, honestly I'm enjoying Red Robin and Batgirl more right now. And after several issues I'm still not sure if Damian is worth reading. I understand what he is trying to do, but I never liked Damian's future Batman, and his attitude is starting to grate, he's a one note character. He'd be more interesting if they didn't keep retreading the I'd make a better ban every frikking issue. Honestly Jason Todd had more layers back in the day. But they ruined him by bringing him back. Jason needs to die again. Dick and Damian would be more interesting if they spent a few issues character building them. I'd love to see Dick send Damian to school, it'd be hillarious. The parent teacher conferences alone. But no one writes from superheros outside of their costumes anymore. At least not for more than 2 or 3 pages. I miss that, it made them seem like real people. But the writers apparently think we'd get bored if something didn't blow up every 5 pages.

 

I dunno I liked this little story. I probably would have a lower opinion of it were I a regular Batman reader.

 

While I'm typically enthusiastic about Morrison, I have to confess that #700 did feel like a rush job all over. Both the good and bad artists had some storytelling issues. The basic mechanics of the central plot device don't completely make sense. But right now, I'm happy with Red Robin as my main regular forray into the Gotham world. Batgirl seems usually good, but I'm not yet completely confident in the title's staying-power.

 

No...no....ok, seriously....

#700 spoiler:

So here we are, in Damien's dark future...and what brilliant twist to a classic character do we get...wait for it....

2 Face 2!!! No! Really! And check it out...he has....TWO COINS!!! His deformed face actually TALKS and isn't just a split personality! Seriously? You have the keys to the entire Batman franchise and THIS is what you come up with? 2 Face 2?

I mean, if some other writer had to go through the editors and propose that, it would probably get laughed at, but NO...he has the clout to just do whatever he wants. This is the result. A naked squirming Terry McGuiness Joker Baby on 2 Face 2's lap.

 

Red Robin ans Streets of Gotham are the best Bat-books right now in my opinion.

 

There are certain books/titles that are custom built for Grant Morrison's patented drug-induced demon-centric mindfuckery. Batman is NOT one of them.

 

I friggin hate Morrison's writing and it only seems to get worse and worse. I hope he leaves after the Return of Bruce Wayne. He got to screw up the character, kill him, and bring him back, so leave it at that and go home!

I was actually quite annoyed after I finished reading #700 because none of it made any sense. And how does he have the baby Terry McGuinnes in the Damian future and then show Batman Beynd on the next page? I hope that his next step isn't to say that the whole Batman Beyond thing is a drug fuel hallucianation in the Joker baby Terry's mind.

I'll also admit that I don't like Tony Daniels much either. I did get a chance to meet him at C2E2, and he's a nice enough guy, but the first story arc of his was awful. The whole thing with the Black Mask was so disconnected and hard to follow that I couldn't keep track of what was happening from month to month. In his defense though, the last few issues of the new story arc is a bit better. I think the addition of an artist to help him is making it so he can spend more time on the actual writing of the book.

 

I have to admit I liked 2 Face 2. The character, what little we got to see of him, seemed interesting enough. He just needed a better name....

 

I completely agree and I'm glad I'm not the only one who "doesn't get it." I think Morrison can do some really wonderful things with comics. You don't have to look any further than All-Star Superman to see how incredible the man can be. But what I don't get is how the same guy who produced All-Star Superman and JLA can put out something as crazy and confusing as Final Crisis, Batman #700 and Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne.

I saw all the buzz Batman #700 was getting and I thought "oh, maybe Morrison's done something awesome this time!" I mean, the story sounds good on paper and I love the legacy aspect of DC Comics' characters, but what I got instead was more "I'm smarter than you. Look how smart I am!" nonsense.

I was all excited about Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne, but when I read the first issue, I found a Bruce Wayne speaking gibberish and cavemen speaking fluent english. I just want a good story and don't need all of this extra convoluted nonsense to make something interesting.

 

(I'll explain this just in case you don't know, if you already do, then this is for the benefit of anyone else who doesn't)

The 'gibberish' makes perfect sense when you realize that it's actually the cavemen that are speaking gibberish. Batman is the one that is actually speaking English but since he has fewer lines it made more sense from a story telling point of view to have the cavemen speak in a way we could understand.

It puts me in the mind of the dub of Evangelion, they acknowledge in the show that they are actually speaking Japanese, but it's dubbed into English so we can understand it. Same principle here we can understand the cavemen but they can't understand Batman because he's speaking our language.

If you haven't, I highly suggest you pick up the second issue. It moves the story along quite nicely. I'm enjoying it, and I don't even read Batman.

OFFTOPIC: Speaking of odd language I have a question for anyone who reads Zatanna. When she is speaking in her backwards spell-chatter how do you read it out in your head? I catch myself translating it into un-reversed English rather than trying to figure out a way to pronounce the more unusual words.

 

I must confess that I have found the first two issues of Return of Bruce Wayne to not be too bad.

As for Zatana's spellcasting, I always try to figure out what the regular way of saying it would be.

 

No, I understood that perfectly. It was obvious that's what was going on. My problem is that half of the book is still in gibberish. Bruce is supposed to be one of the most intelligent men in the world. They could have shown him learning to communicate with them.

 

Batman now sucks.