A friend of mine told me she was in love with me today and sent me the poems she had written about me. That was sort of awkward.

 

*awkward silence*

 

"MY SPOON'S TOO BIG! My spoon.....is TOO BIG!"  

Back on topic, whenever my grandparents are around, almost anything starts an awkward silence. My mom even commented on how my grandma sometimes gives her the "silent treatment". Awkward silence is one of my most hated things in the world, so in-order to end it, I usually make loud noises to attempt livening up the mood. It works.....half the time.

 

*eats kricket*.....i once had this ti--*kricket noises*....

 

The best way to leave any conversation is to wait for the person to ask you a question. At this point you walk away and hit play on your portable tape player, which starts "We Fight For Love" playing. When you're a few paces away from the person, you look back at them and say "No chance."

This is best done shirtless, having just rescued your daughter, but will work in most day to day situations.

 

Hey, eating random objects is my job!

 

I guess it'd depend on the context of this. You should see the size of the spoons they put in mess kits, they're like damned serving spoons. I hear that phrase all the time.

 

ok,*stuffs a spider down your mouth*..there,does it taste like chicken?

 

Depends. Is it neutral awkward, positive awkward, or negative awkward?
To explain: Positive awkward means the people who are talking to each other are having fun, or are interested in a positive way, even if the conversation is awkward. Negative awkward means the people are uncomfortable or offended, etc. Neutral awkward means the people don't feel any particular emotion.

In the case of positive and neutral, I wouldn't stop the awkward conversation. I'd let it run its course.

If it was negative awkward, I'd either shut up and walk away, or tell the other person to shut the fuck up.

 

"I like pie"
"EGGS"
"I see dead people..."
"...hey, a squirrel"
"Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. It was filled with worms. I hate worms. Worms drive me crazy. *constant repeat* "

 

Dude, positive awkwardness ftw! My cousins and I talk about morbid shit all the time.  

Dude, I'm seriously gonna start saying this to people whenever they say the word "crazy".

EDIT: Dude, I just realized I say the word "dude" too much, dude.

 

Had a "friend" named Sam who used to tell me that his mom would beat him, well into his teens. She would beat him out of genuine anger/frustration. He didn't like it, but would insert obnoxiously pretentious laughs whenever he'd tell me the stories.

To make things more awkward between me and him, he liked this girl named Clarissa, but Clarissa wasn't exactly attracted to him... sorta...-ish. So, me and Clarissa hooked up simply to spite Sam. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled about Clarissa either, but those were much shallower times. Anyway, shortly thereafter, she went and "cheated" on me by hooking up with Sam "behind" my back. I was annoyed, but not offended like "OMG THIS BITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!".

Another awkward story Sam told me was about how his older sister would get home piss drunk every night - he would insert laughter every 15 seconds. And he'd tell me about how he had to hold his sister's hair back every time while she stumbled to her knees in the bathroom and vomited into the toilet *insert laughter*.

Another awkward story Sam told me was that he was trying to get Pixar to sponsor him for some art school shit. In other words, he was trying to get a grant from Pixar. That shit failed with flying colors, and I wasn't surprised one bit.

Another awkward story was from my mom. She said my dad had another son with another woman prior to meeting her (my mom). Sounded like absolute bullshit.

Many more...

 

When you can have many positive awkward conversations with someone, that's how you know you get along really well.

I am reminded of that shit-talking scene in 40-year-old Virgin with Seth Rogen and that other dude playing some video game; they kept saying "You know how I know you're gay?" That was a cool scene because of how realistic it was.

 

do you believe in zombies?

 

That actually reminded me of this temp we had at work a few years ago. He worked in my department and would say hi, the usual stuff co-workers do. A few months after he started, he was going to leave for another job so he called me into one of the aisles and started telling me that he thought I was really hot and he liked how I wore my hair (I have no idea why the hell my hair always seems to make it into these weird convos) and he asked me if I had the chance and weren't taken, if I would every consider going out with him.


Talk about AWKWARD. It always feels weird to tell someone they aren't your type as they crumble infront of you.

 

Tell her you need to try her out before making any decisions, then stick it in her pooper.

 

Cool 5 stories,bro,but I hope you knew Clarissa for more than two years before you hooked up,or else I will have to shun you on principle.

 

Do you mean he should say that because it would be an awkward sentance that would stop the conversation cold,or because you think he should really try to stick it there?

 

crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap

 

"Hey did you know The Fallen can teleport? And when he teleports he bursts into flame. Then he bursts into flame somewhere else then hes normal."

"Dont be a gooey chocolate chip cookie."