Need some advice on a touchy subject (girl related)

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Synical, Dec 19, 2006.

  1. Synical

    Synical Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Posts:
    328
    Trophy Points:
    111
    Likes:
    +0
    Ok, long story short. My best friend's sister also became a very good friend, time went on, feelings have developed. I've known her about a year now and she is basically everything I want in a girl. Being around her, thinking of her, just lifts my spirits. She just, makes me smile.

    However, telling her how I feel about her, asking her out, whatever, isn't an option, I'm 24, she's 17. If we were say, in our 20's, the age difference wouldn't bother me, but she's just simply too young. Obviously not too young to have these feelings for, but too young to explore them. I just don't know how to deal with it. When I'm around her I'm happy, and when I'm not, I can't help but think about how things can't go any further. So right now, my moods are usually major highs and lows.

    I think it would help me if I could tell her how I feel, just to say "I have these feelings for you, but don't worry, I'm not going to try anything" Just so I don't have to deal with the stress of keeping my emotions so hidden and repressed all the time. After this long though, and taking all the details into consideration, I'm afraid she'd freak (even though she's a very understanding person in general) and I may lose, or seriously damage our friendship.

    So yeah, me not being able to be more with her isn't really the issue as much as not being able to find a way to deal with these feelings. I've had all of one relationship in my life, about 8 years ago, and haven't had feelings like this for anyone else since then...until now, so that's why it's such a big issue for me. I'm just at a loss and curious to see how others may approach a problem like this.
     
  2. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2004
    Posts:
    49,733
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    342
    Likes:
    +39
    I think a major question is, what state are you in because 17 might not be over the age of consent.

    But 7 years is quite a difference in age, and I can see why you'd want to wait until she's into her twenties.
     
  3. Synical

    Synical Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Posts:
    328
    Trophy Points:
    111
    Likes:
    +0
    Oh, I'm in Indiana, and the age of consent is actually 16 here, so that's not the problem. I just feel that she's too young because of the age difference. If she was like 20 and I was 27, I wouldn't have a problem with that. Hell, my dad's 11 years older than my mom. and while I personally don't care what people think, I wouldn't want to put her in the situation of having people look at us funny, ya know? Her family is pretty open about that kinda stuff, but they've kinda gotten to know me as the "older brother" type by now, so it'd probably be pretty weird for them, esspecially since her brother's my best friend.
     
  4. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2004
    Posts:
    49,733
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    342
    Likes:
    +39
    Okay, so she's over the age of consent. Good. Now we can continue. :D 

    So I'm taking it that her family is cool with her dating older guys? That's the feeling I'm getting from your response.

    I see two problems. Of course this is all from my personal point of view so you can take it with a grain of salt if you like.

    1. It's your best friend's little sister. I'd say if he's cool, then I say why the hell not? However, most guys don't like friends dating their sister. I had some awkwardness when I started dating my fiancee because I knew her brother in highschool as well. But that awkwardness is pretty much non-existent now. Granted I wasn't best friends with her brother, but we did know each other and from time to time back in highschool, we'd hang out.

    So if he's cool with it, at least you got her family's blessing.

    2. The whole "she's still highschool age and you're past college age" thing. If she's mature enough, sure why not? But if she's not mature enough (as in more mature than 17 years old in her mind) I'd say it's best if you simply just keep a friendly relation until later.

    Granted it will be hard as hell, but better to wait than to have a relationship only to have it fail because of maturity level right?
     
  5. tikgnat

    tikgnat Baweepgranaweepninnybong. TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2002
    Posts:
    23,633
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    422
    Location:
    Beneath the Loft, London, UK
    Likes:
    +1,483
    Ebay:
    Twitter:
    7 years isn't really that big an age gap, IMO.

    Personally if I thought she felt the same way I'd go for it, being a little older means you can offer a lot more support for her as she goes through college, making her own life easier and therefore making a strong relationship.
     
  6. Synical

    Synical Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Posts:
    328
    Trophy Points:
    111
    Likes:
    +0
    I'm not sure how he'd react really. He'd probably be weirded out at first, but he'd get over it. Quite honestly, I don't think she's mature enough yet for a real relationship. Her life's going to be changing too much in the next several years, and I don't think anything between us would last very long at this stage. I guess I would just like to make things known to her to keep the possibility of having "something" in the future, so I don't end up completely stuck in the friend zone. At the same time though, having to witness her dating other guys up until that point would be pretty painful, making me constantly want to scream "what are you doing with that loser?!!!" lol. When she was 16 she did date a 19 year old, but yeah, obviously not the same.
     
  7. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2004
    Posts:
    49,733
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    342
    Likes:
    +39
    Yeah, her going away to college or something would really be hard on both of you if you were in a relationship.

    But then again, my fiancee and I were long distance for about four years out of seven. She was in Boston and I was in Vegas. So long distance can work. It just depends on how serious the people involved are.
     
  8. Synical

    Synical Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Posts:
    328
    Trophy Points:
    111
    Likes:
    +0
    I don't know, I think she has some feelings there, but because of us being friends and the situation, won't acknowledge them. We do joke around about stuff like that a lot, and it doesn't seem to make her uncomfortable at all, but I just don't know. She always seems to feel very "safe" around me, coming to me for protection, for comforting, or asking me advice. but I'm not sure if that's because she has feelings for me too, or because she sees me as more of a brother, or guardian in a way.
     
  9. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2004
    Posts:
    49,733
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    342
    Likes:
    +39
    In that case, sit her down and talk to her over a cup of coffee.
     
  10. Synical

    Synical Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Posts:
    328
    Trophy Points:
    111
    Likes:
    +0
    Kinda like tonight...me, her, her brother, and 3 of her friends all went to play pool. She needed to go to the bathroom but there were some shady people around. She could have asked her brother, or any of the other guys who were bigger than me and also her friends, but she asked ME to walk her there and back. Or when a group of us see movies together, no matter how big the group is, she always makes sure we sit together...actually, now that I think of it, no matter where we go she always makes sure we sit together.

    When we went to a haunted house and maze this year, she stayed behind everyone else with me and wouldn't let go of my hand, and would scream and hide behind me or wrap her arms around me whenever she got scared. Things like that make me think she may have some feelings for me, but I just can't be sure. I'm considering getting her a christmas present that's just a little too thoughtful to be from just a friend, and see how she reacts, kinda feel her out, while still being inconspicuous. Does that sound like a good idea?
     
  11. Synical

    Synical Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Posts:
    328
    Trophy Points:
    111
    Likes:
    +0
    By the way, thank you to both of you for giving me some advice here. I've just finally gotten to the point where I think I need to do something about this and quite trying to ignore it.
     
  12. Omnibus Prime

    Omnibus Prime I'm too old for this shit TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2003
    Posts:
    6,518
    Trophy Points:
    266
    Likes:
    +0
    I'm already confused. :p 

    I dunno...to me, 24/17 is in that 'weird' area of what's socially acceptable and what isn't. Seven years isn't an insurmountable gap in general, but it can be at that age.

    For me personally though, I couldn't see myself getting involved with someone that much younger just due to the difference in cultural touchstones...or somesuch. I was a crazy little fucker living beyond my 14-16 years in '91-93. Being with someone who went through that period in their life circa '98-00, I think our interests would be too disparate. In fact, I've always tilted a little older in my choice of womens because of that. My gf is 3 years and change older than me and we're coming from the 'same place' so to speak.
     
  13. MikeTSI

    MikeTSI The Reclaimer TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    1,948
    Trophy Points:
    191
    Likes:
    +0
    Ebay:
    Look man, here is how I see it. It's pretty obvious to me, from what you have said, that she has feelins for you. If you think she is the one, don't wait. Yeah, she may not be ready for a serious relationship. But I doubt she's going to wait for you to make up your mind or make a move. You may lose out. I'll give you an example to make my point.

    My wife and I worked together and used to hang out alot before we dated, although usually with other people around. Even though she was really into me, she never made a move. Back then I was pretty shy so I was too scared to make a move because I wasn't "sure" how she felt. Long story short, I eventually said screw it and made my move, that was 6 years ago.

    I asked her one day if I never made the first move, would she have. She said probably not. I was like "What? Why not!?" She said even though she really, really liked me, she wasn't sure how I felt and she didn't want to be rejected.

    So, maybe this girl is in a similar boat. If you don't act, you may miss out on the best thing that's ever happened to you. Plus if the parents like you, that's all the more better. Just ask their permission before you date her. ;)  Just my 2 cents dude.

    Mike
     
  14. viper2391

    viper2391 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2006
    Posts:
    964
    News Credits:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    136
    Likes:
    +1
    Man, you really like this girl don't you? We'll then go ahead its not like you're going to jail just because you like a girl and she also likes you.
    Approach her, the tell her how you feel its the best move you can do. If she does'nt approve then maybe you can be friends it she approves then congratulations! Who knows you could end up being in love with each other. Now the problem starts when you want to sleep with her -- right? The solution jerk it off or tell her about it and discuss what you can do and not do.
    That's it! You're mistake is not having to tell her you're real feelings.
     
  15. llamatron

    llamatron Shut up, Nigel. TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2002
    Posts:
    8,969
    News Credits:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    262
    Likes:
    +11
    Don't touch it.

    Well, it's complex.

    I think it's a bit odd to date your buddies 17 year old little sister.

    The ideal thing to do would be to wait until she's like 20 or 21 - however, by then it's highly likely she'll have gone to uni/college etc and found some stupid frat dickwad. So it's a toughie.
     
  16. Omegatron

    Omegatron Mandatory Fun. Buy it now TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2004
    Posts:
    8,092
    News Credits:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    262
    Likes:
    +11
    Ebay:
    Some time ago, a friend of mine invented the 'half plus seven' rule. If her age is half your own plus seven, she's not too young. It seems to be fairly accurate, if you're looking to put some kinda quatification to the 'age difference in dating' rules. In this case. she'd have to be 19 to your 24. In 4 years, though, you'll be 28, and she'll be 21, so it'd be fine. My advice- wait.

    -Tony!
     
  17. ckhtiger

    ckhtiger old skool fool

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2003
    Posts:
    6,318
    Trophy Points:
    232
    Likes:
    +3
    make a move, see what happens. she likes you, you like her, it's all legal, why not? it's not like when you're out in public you'll be wearing t-shirts that say your age on them. and if she's mentally mature enough, you don't need to worry about feeling like you're taking advantage of her because you're older than her. she can make her own decisions. I ended up going out with a friend's younger sister in high school. it was all cool, but was understood that if I cheated on her or anything they would kick my ass. understood between bros, of course.
     
  18. jourdo

    jourdo TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2004
    Posts:
    4,326
    Trophy Points:
    231
    Likes:
    +0
    Ebay:
    Reading this, it is your buddy that you need to talk to. This kind of stuff can really change, or even destroy, a friendship. The age gap thing is not that big of a deal to me.
     
  19. b_ack51

    b_ack51 I'm on the interweb!

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2006
    Posts:
    932
    Trophy Points:
    101
    Likes:
    +0
    7 years at that age is a huge age gap man. Shit even 4-5 years is. Dating a girl whose 17 isn't worth it. Plus the fact its your friends little sister who should kick the crap out of you for going after his baby sister. Top it off, in 2 years she'll be in college wanting to go to bars and you'll be like "i've already done that scene". Party girl will kick in.
     
  20. tikgnat

    tikgnat Baweepgranaweepninnybong. TFW2005 Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2002
    Posts:
    23,633
    News Credits:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    422
    Location:
    Beneath the Loft, London, UK
    Likes:
    +1,483
    Ebay:
    Twitter:
    I think the gift idea is a really good one... or you could just ask her. Maybe run it by her bro at the same time, but in all honesty, if he's a true friend and your intentions are sincere what would there be to be cheesed off about? It would be like Friends, where Ross finds out Monica and Chandler are seeing each other.

    'MY BEST FRIEND AND MY SISTER ARE SEEING EACH OTHER!!!'
    'but we love each other!'
    'My best friend and sister are seeing each other!' *wipes tear*

    Perhaps I am seeing things too simplistically when I say that though. But my advice would be to get in there before she goes to college and meets someone there. Because if that happens and you miss the boat you'll be kicking yourself afterward, and that might affect your relationship with everyone as well.

    And if she wants to go to parties and stuff? Well then you can be a party animal too. Growl.
     

Share This Page