Monty CyberPython and the Holy Matrix

Discussion in 'Transformers Fan Fiction' started by Stonecrusher, Jul 18, 2009.

  1. Stonecrusher

    Stonecrusher jerk to storytelling

    Feb 15, 2009
    News Credits:
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    The film begins. Out of a dense fog trots Optimus Prime, accompanied on two empty coconut halves by his trusty servant, Ironhide. They approach a castle. Suddenly a guard, Mirage, appears atop a high rampart.

    Mirage: Halt! Who goes there?

    Optimus: It is I, Optimus, son of Sentinel Prime, from the castle of Camelot. Leader of the Autobots, defeater of the Quintessons, sovereign of all Cybertron!

    Mirage: Who's Optimus?

    Optimus: I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

    Ironhide: Ironhide.

    Optimus: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Autobots who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

    Mirage: What, ridden on a horse?

    Optimus: Yep.

    Mirage: You're using coconuts!

    Optimus: What?

    Mirage: You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em together!

    Optimus: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Kaon, through...

    Mirage: Where'd you get the coconuts?

    Optimus: (somewhat taken aback) We found them.

    Mirage: Found them? on Cybertron? The coconut's earth-bound!

    Optimus: What do you mean?

    Mirage: It's not NATIVE!

    Optimus: The swallow may be Earth-bound, yet you see them all the time, since the Second Migration back to Cybertron from Earth. So what if a Coconut is found on Cybertron? It's not like it's unnatural or anything.

    Mirage: ... What? Saying that would be like... coconuts migrating! ... wait... coconuts migrate?

    Optimus: No! They could be carried.

    Mirage: (incredulous) What, a swallow, carrying a coconut?

    Optimus: It could grip it by the husk!

    Mirage: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could *not* carry a one-pound coconut!

    Optimus: (exasperated) Like it freaking matter! Will you go and tell your master that Optimus Prime from the court of Camelot is here!


    Mirage: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

    Optimus: Please!

    Mirage: (patiently) Am I right?

    Optimus: I'm not interested!

    ( A second guard, Tracks, appears on the rampart. )

    Tracks: It could be carried by an African swallow!

    Mirage: Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

    Tracks: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

    Optimus: (extremely exasperated) Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot!!


    Mirage: But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

    Tracks: Oh yeah...

    (Optimus and Ironhide give up and trot away)

    Mirage: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.

    Tracks: Wait a minute! Supposing *two* swallows carried it together!

    Mirage: Nooo..... They'd have to have it on a line...

    Tracks: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

    Mirage: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

    Tracks: Well, why not?


    A cart passes through the muddy road through a village. A baby cries. Decepticons wrestle in the mud. A woman (Soundwave in Drag) beats a cat (Ravage).

    The cart-master, Blackout, chants wearily as they trudge along:

    Bring out your dead!
    Bring out your dead!
    Bring out your dead! etc. while beating occasionally on a large
    triangle with a wooden spoon.

    As each person comes forward with his or her dead relative, they throw them on
    the cart. He holds out his hand and they pay.

    Bring out your dead!

    Starscream comes out with a dead-looking Megatron in a nightshirst slung over his
    shoulder. He starts to put Megatron on the cart.

    Starscream: Here's one-

    Blackout: Ninepence.

    Megatron: (feebly) Wait...

    Blackout: (suprised) What?

    Starscream: Nothing! Here's your ninepence....

    Megatron: I still function!

    Blackout: Hey! He says he's still functioning! He's not dead!

    Starscream: Yes he is.

    Megatron: I'm not!

    Blackout: He isn't

    Starscream: Well... he will be soon-- he's got Cosmic Rust.

    Megatron: I'm getting better!

    Starscream: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

    Blackout: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulations!

    Megatron: I won't go on the cart....

    Starscream: Oh, don't be such a baby.

    Blackout: I can't take him....

    Megatron: I feel fine!

    Starscream: Well, do us a favor...

    Blackout: I can't!

    Starscream: Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long...

    Blackout: No, gotta get to The Predacons, they lost nine today.

    Starscream: Well, when's your next round?

    Blackout: Thursday.

    Megatron: I will eliminate the Autobots! I am INVINCIBLE!

    Starscream: You're not fooling anyone, you know-- (to Blackout) Look, isn't there something you can do...?

    (they both look around)

    Megatron: I will lead you all to VICTO-

    (Blackout deals Megatron a swift blow to the head with his wooden
    spoon. Megatron goes limp.)

    Starscream: (throwing the corpse onto the cart) Ah. thanks very much.

    Blackout: Not at all. See you on Thursday!

    Starscream: Right! All right....

    Optimus Prime and Ironhide "ride" through the town and past the Decepticons.

    Starscream: who the slag is that then?

    Blackout: I don't know. Must be an Autobot.

    Starscream: How can YOU tell?

    Blackout: He hasn't got shit all over him.

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