Note: This is a parody crossover of Transformers and a rather popular Judge show. What would happen if the Judge in Megatron's Master plan was replaced...? ***** It was time for the trial of the Autobots. Since no courthouse could hold the defendants, the proceedings were taking place on a football field. "Byrd, where are the Decepticons?" Judge Judith Sheindlin asked, rather annoyedly. "Not here yet," Officer Byrd replied, looking disinterestedly at a stack of papers cradled in his arm, "Your Honor, this is case #0571-E on the calendar: the Decepticons vs. the Autobots." Judge Judy frowned. "Who's the first witness?" Shawn Berger stepped forward. "I am, your Honor." Judge Judy pointed at the blue chair to the right of her bench. "Sit." The powerful businessman sat down, looking relaxed, as if he didn't have a care in the world. "Name," Judge Judy demanded. "Shawn Berger." "What do you do for a living?" the Judge wanted to know. "I own my own business, your honor," Berger said proudly. "How old are you?" Judge Judy continued. "I don't see how that's any of your-" Berger protested. "HOW OLD ARE YOU?" the Judge reiterated. "If you must know, I'm 57 years old," Berger replied, somewhat shocked at the volume of the demand. "Alright, start at the beginning," Judge Judy stated, "Day, month, year, hour." Berger stammered a moment. "August 2, 1985," he said, "At about 9:45 am." "Okay, now what did you see?" Judge Judy asked. "I was in a helicopter, hovering over an oil field," Berger said. "And WHAT were you doing there?" Judge Judy wanted to know. Berger began to look a little nervous. He couldn't tell the Judge that he'd been tipped off about the Autobots by the Decepticons. He had to make this look good. "Why, I was thinking of buying it," he said. "REEE-DICULOUS!" Judge Judy snapped loudly. "I beg your pardon?" Mr. Berger said, taken aback. "You heard me! RIDICULOUS!" Judge Judy reiterated. "I've been in this business for nearly 20 years. I can tell when someone's lying to me." Berger sighed. "All right, all right. I was there because I'd received an anonymous tip that the Autobots were going to steal the oil." Judge Judy stared at Berger for a moment. "Don't tell me what you heard. Go on," she said. "We were hovering there, and I knew…" Judge Judy quickly cut him off. "Don't tell me what you knew. That calls for a conclusion, and that's what I'M here for." "Well, I saw the Autobots come to the oil field, before the workers were even there, and saw them stealing oil." "I understand you have a tape," Judge Judy said, "Let's play it." Officer Byrd popped the recording of the Oil Field footage. Everybody watched silently. Judge Judy peered at it critically. Once the tape was finished, Byrd popped it out of the VCR and put it on the Judge's desk. Suddenly the Decepticons arrived. The noise from the jet engines silenced the rest of the proceedings. "My apologies for this interruption, your Honor-" Megatron began. "YOU'RE LATE!" Judge Judy snapped. Megatron stood there, stunned. This human had dared yell at him? However, for the charade to work, he had to be on his best behavior. He quietly stood with the other Decepticons, leaning against the side wall of the football field. "I thought Megatron said the Judge was in Berger's pocket," Skywarp whispered to Thundercracker. "Shhhh!" Thundercracker hissed warningly. Judge Judy smiled sweetly at Berger. "Continue," she said icily. "Well, I saw the Autobots make energon cubes with my own eyes. Then the Decepticons came and they ran away." "Ok, you're dismissed. Go sit down over there," Judge Judy said to Berger, pointing towards the stands. Looking over at the Autobots, the wheels were turning in her mind. Ran away? That didn't make sense! And if it didn't make sense… "Next!" Judge Judy said. "Something really bugs me about Berger's testimony," Spike said to Sparkplug and Chip. "What?" Chip asked. "I'm not sure," Spike said, "But I'm going to find out." He got up and left the stands. "Spike, where are you going?" Sparkplug wondered, a little too loudly. Megatron looked over at Soundwave and nodded slightly. "Ravage, stop him," Soundwave said, ejecting the black jaguar tape. The robotic feline landed on the ground and started running after Spike. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" Judge Judy demanded, pointing at Ravage. Ravage halted in surprise, snarling. "Can he talk?" Judge Judy demanded. Megatron shook his head. "Well then you keep that pet of yours out of trouble and make sure he stays RIGHT HERE," the Judge said firmly. Ravage looked at Megatron, who sighed and motioned for Ravage to come and sit beside Soundwave. The cassetticon complied, though he growled plenty in annoyance. Judge Judy pointed at Dirge. "You. UP!" she said, pointing to a space beside her bench. There was no way the Decepticon was going to fit in the chair, so Dirge, after getting glared at by Megatron, obediently went and stood where the Judge had pointed. "NAME!" she snapped. "Uh…" Dirge began. "UH is not an answer! NAME!" Judge Judy snapped. "Dirge," the Seeker said nervously. "Now tell me about the day that Mr. Berger was talking about." "Well, we'd heard that the Autobots were raiding an oil field, so we went to stop them," Dirge said. "Don't tell me what you heard," Judge Judy snapped, "That's hearsay." Dirge rubbed the back of his head nervously. This human female was seriously putting him on edge. "Tell me what you SAW," Judge Judy said. "We went to the oil field, and I SAW Optimus Prime and the other Autobots stealing oil," Dirge replied. "That's better," Judge Judy said, "And when you got there, then what happened?" "We started shooting at the Autobots, to get them to leave," Dirge said. "And then what happened?" Judge Judy asked. "They ran away," Dirge said, "Then one of the cameras from the helicopter came loose and I picked it up and suggested we make home movies." Judge Judy made an irritated sound. "He may think you're cute, but I don't think you're cute," she said to Dirge, pointing in Megatron's direction. "What do you do for a living?" "Ummm," Dirge stammered. "UM IS NOT AN ANSWER! WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?" Judge Judy demanded. "Uh, nothing," Dirge replied. "So you're unemployed. Who supports you?" Judge Judy demanded. "He does," Dirge said, pointing at Megatron. "How old are you?" "Five million years old," Dirge replied. "Oy, a five million year old bum. You can sit down," Judge Judy said, facepalming. "That's a pretty old bum," Officer Byrd remarked. "I blame the parents," Judge Judy added. At about that time, Spike returned with a videotape. He went up to Optimus Prime. "I've got it!" he said. Judge Judy looked over at Optimus Prime. "Go," she said. "Your Honor, we have proof of our innocence," Optimus Prime said. "I'm listening," Judge Judy said. "My friend Spike has it," Optimus Prime said. Judge Judy scanned the group of Autobots. "Who's Spike?" she wanted to know. Spike raised his hand. Judge Judy smiled sweetly and silently motioned for Spike to sit in the chair beside her bench. "Name," Judge Judy began. "Spike Witwicky," Spike replied. "How old are you?" the Judge asked. "Fifteen," Spike said. "What do you do for a living?" Judge Judy asked. "Well, before I met the Autobots, I worked on an oil rig with my dad," Spike said. "And what evidence do you have that the Autobots didn't steal the oil?" Judge Judy asked. "Well, at the time of the alleged oil theft, I was in Autobot headquarters, with Optimus Prime and the others," he began, "And then I found this tape. I think you should see it." "Byrd, get the tape," Judge Judy said to the Bailiff. Officer Byrd went up to Spike and collected the tape, carrying it over to the same VCR that had earlier played the tape of the Autobots stealing energy. It showed Optimus Prime, Ratchet, and Wheeljack. Suddenly Optimus Prime reached up…and removed his head. It was only a mask. The face of a particular red-white-and-blue Seeker was behind it. "This mask would fool Prime's own creator!" Starscream cackled, on the tape. Starscream elbowed Megatron. "And you said I was such a bad actor that I couldn't fool a Saturnian Simpleton!" he hissed. "Quiet, you fool," Megatron growled back. The tape revealed that Skywarp and Thundercracker were in the other two costumes. "Hmm this doesn't make sense," Judge Judy mused, "How could THAT one be Optimus Prime and at the same time be attacking the Autobots?" She dismissed Spike with a wave of her hand, then pointed at Starscream. "UP!" she demanded. Starscream looked defiant, but Megatron nudged him towards the 'stand'. He took his spot beside Judge Judy's bench. "NAME!" Judge Judy demanded. "Starscream," the red-white-and-blue Seeker stated flatly. "What do you do for a living?" she asked. "I am Second in Command to Megatron," Starscream said smugly. "So you're in the military," Judge Judy said. "You could say that, yes," Starscream said, puzzled by the question. "How old are you?" Judge Judy wanted to know. Starscream glared at the human female. "Nine million years old," he said, with a bit of a huff. "Now, explain to me how you could be in two places at once," the Judge said, narrowing her eyes. "Ummm," Starscream began. He put his hands on his hips and looked to Megatron. "Um is not an answer. Get your hands off your hips. Don't look over there, look at ME," Judge Judy snapped. Starscream couldn't believe how uncomfortable this human was making him. Normally he'd shoot at or slap any creature that dared treat him in such a manner. But for Megatron's plan to work, he had to restrain himself. His irritation was clear to all watching, especially the Judge. How to get himself out of this? "The Autobots must have made a clone of me and dressed it up as Optimus Prime," he ventured. "THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!" Judge Judy snapped, "And if it doesn't make sense, IT'S NOT TRUE!" Now it was all coming together. The testimony of the Autobots running away was literal…they hadn't transformed. She surveyed the group of Autobots and Decepticons. "I've made my ruling," she said. She pointed to the Decepticons. "You LOSE." Megatron fumed silently and the other Decepticons looked shocked. "And I'm going to tell you why you lose," she continued, "First of all, the fact that someone knew that the Autobots would be at the oil field doesn't make sense. The workers weren't even there yet, so how could anyone know ahead of time?" "A security guard may have seen them," Megatron interrupted. "HUP HUP HUP!" Judge Judy snapped, banging on her desk with the palm of her hand. "I didn't ask you a question!" "But it's a perfectly legitimate theory," Megatron insisted. "Are you trying to talk over me, because that's not going to happen. This is MY playpen." Judge Judy said sternly, "Your 'theory' is a lot of Who Shot John. Unless you can produce a witness--a security guard that saw all this--I'm not interested. I believe Spike. I believe that when he said he was with the Autobots at Autobot Headquarters at the time of the incident, that that's the truth. I DON'T believe YOU." Megatron grumbled in discontent. "Wow, she's not pulling any punches," Brawn whispered to Ironhide. "Yeah, too bad she ain't no Autobot. She'd chew up the Decepticons and spit 'em out," Ironhide said. "Now, after I was so rudely interrupted," Judge Judy continued, "I find the Autobots NOT GUILTY. Your stories don't make sense, your witnesses aren't credible, and I find this whole plan of yours to be ridiculous!" She stared down her spectacles at Megatron. "It's RUINED!" Megatron howled angrily. He aimed his cannon at the bench, which the Judge quickly vacated. Byrd also cleared the deck. "Hurry, quick, we've got to get out of here now!" Sparkplug told everybody in the stands, "Run!" "Oh, no you don't, Megatron!" Optimus Prime shouted, leaping and tackling the Decepticon Leader. The two of them wrestled, while the humans cleared the stands. Once the spectators had fled, which was remarkably swiftly, the Autobots and Decepticons started shooting at each other. But it was clear that the Decepticons were outnumbered. It wasn't long before Optimus Prime had Megatron hefted up over his head. "Yield, Megatron!" he said firmly, before tossing the Decepticon Leader into an empty stadium exit. "Yield…for now!" Megatron fumed, while extricating himself from the exit awkwardly, "Decepticons, return to base!" Bumblebee and Spike went to check on the Judge. "Are you ok, Judge Sheindlin?" Bumblebee asked. "Oh, I'm fine," Judge Judy said, as Byrd and Spike helped her up from her duck-and-cover position. "That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen," Ratchet said, "How can a human be so fearless?" "I'm from Brooklyn," Judge Judy replied. "Yeah, but those were Decepticons," Ratchet added, "How did you manage to keep them off balance?" "It's like I told you. This is my playpen," Judge Judy replied. Chip wheeled up along with Sparkplug. "That was incredible!" Chip exclaimed. "I heard there was supposed to be a different Judge today. I wonder what happened to him?" Sparkplug mused. * The Dinobots surrounded a white-haired man dressed in a black Judge's robe. The man was tied up and gagged. "You, bad man. You want rig trial and take away friend Autobots," Grimlock growled. "So we watch you. Make sure you no get away." "What we do with him?" Sludge asked. "Me think Dinobots make new Judge show," Grimlock opined. "Yes, yes, new Judge show! Um, what we call it?" Swoop asked. "Call it, YOU LOSE!" Slag stated. The End!