marriage and names and parents and drama....

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Lumpy, Feb 15, 2007.

  1. Lumpy

    Lumpy Taylor Swift Actionmaster Super Mod

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    ok, i was gonna make 2 threads outta this, but figured one will work....itll just be long and punctuated poorly....

    first off, im getting married in may, my parents are taking care of the rehearsal dinner, and really havent offered much input to anything else. everytime we bring it up, they sorta brush it off, my fiance invites my mom and sister to everything, and they never go, and its really becoming a big pain.

    the other day my mom called to talk about the rehearsal dinner. (we're getting married on a saturday, and wanted the reheasal on thursday, and the hotel already has it set up)she said we needed to change the date because my grandma was coming in friday morning. i understand my parents wanting her to be here, but its just a rehearsal, and we dont even have anything really involving our grandparents. i explain this to my mom, saying that itll suck if grandma misses it, buts its not a really big deal overall as long as shes here on saturday for the real ceremony. my mom flips out, continually hanging up on me (which REALLY pisses me off, its such an immature thing to do, IMO) and saying that its ok for my fiance's grandma to be there, but not mine....which i respond, her grandma LIVES here, and doesnt have to fly it. anyway, long story short, im talking to my grandma to see if she can come in on thursday instead, cuz then everythings fine, but my mom is still being crazy....

    2nd thing, my parents originally offered to chip in towards the wedding and not get us a wedding gift, or to get us a gift and just pay for rehearsal. their gift option was a timeshare. once a year, we'll have a paid place to stay, which is totally rad. we talked it over, decided a timeshare sounds great. (and its costing my parents more then our wedding is) had we decided to just have their help they were only gonna chip in a small portion (under 2k most likely) now that we're getting closer, we are sorta realizing their help mighta been more useful, but its ok, we'll still be able to travel anyplace close and spend a week easily (im a teacher, i get summers off, and shes a teacher at a yearround daycare, but can still manage time off pretty easily)

    My parents are only having me sign the paperwork, for now. something about it costing more to add her name now, but itll be no big deal after we're married? i have no clue about if thats true or not, but whatever, didnt think it was a big deal but she told me the other night that she feels this present is for ME, and not us, because she's not planning on taking my last name (which im totally fine with, cuz we've already agreed the kids will have mine) i think she's just scared of the change a little, she's had her name for nearly 23 years, so yeah, its kind of a big deal i guess (i mean, i sure as hell wouldnt want to change my name) but, she brought up the fact that when we told my parents that she wasnt sure if she was taking my name, my mom sorta threw a little fit, along the lines of "thats what a womans supposed to do" blahblahblah.

    and now, i really am not sure if my parents are really being completely stupid about all this because of her not wanting my last name. my mom had also said awhile ago that they, and i quote, "didnt want to pay for our wedding". now, im white and my fiance is spanish and she thinks it has something to do with her not being white, that my parents think theyre losing me or something. its all just really frustrating and i dont know what to make of it.....and there's been hostility between my mom and sister and fiance for awhile too, and that stems from my parents babying my sister and letting her get away with WAY more shit then me or my brother, and my sister being a bitch to my fiance, then my parents defending my sister and saying that its ok that cait (my sister) was a bitch cuz it was her birthday. i guess its really just buggin me cuz they dont seem excited at all. when we told them, they were just like "oh, thats nice" and that was it. they just dont seem to give a shit and it pisses me off....so, thats my story...
     
  2. Lance Halberd

    Lance Halberd oh hai

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    But it's your wedding, not theirs, right? I think some parents tend to forget that.

    My brother-in-law's mother was sort of the same way about everything when it came to him marrying my sister, despite my parents paying for everything. It had to be done in her church, her nieces had to be the bridesmaids, her grandchildren had to be the flower girl and ring bearer ... and so on. Funny thing is, now that my sister and her husband have a kid, his mother is always too busy or can't be bothered to babysit from time to time.
     
  3. Motor_Master

    Motor_Master Lets the balls touch TFW2005 Supporter

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    ...and people wonder why I like the idea of eloping!

    I'm sure you love your sister, but I wouldn't allow her to pull that kind of crap on your fiance. She may not like her, but that doesn't give her the right to disrespect you by being a bitch to your fiance. Your sister doesn't have to like your fiance, but she should be civil towards her out of respect for you.

    Perhaps you need to have a heart to heart chat with your family and get to the root of the issue. The way you describe it, it does sound like there's some underlying resentment towards your fiance. If there is, it needs to be aired out well before may.
     
  4. theLostSeeker

    theLostSeeker Well-Known Member

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    First, I want to say that it's perfectly normal and acceptable for a wife to not take her husband's last name, as long as it's ok within the couple. I'm from South America, and it is quite common for the women to keep their last names, hence our "stereotypically" long series of last names.
    It's just sad to see there's a little bit of animosity between your family and your fiancee. Let's just hope it doesn't escalate to a point where you have to be stuck between your quarreling loved ones. Maybe have a conclusive talk with them, or something.
    Just my 2 cents…
     
  5. honestgabe

    honestgabe I

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    what did your sister do?
     
  6. Team Jetfire

    Team Jetfire Pop-POP!

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    I think you did the right thing for your grandma. It is the rehearsal dinner and quite honestly inconsequential to the actual wedding. If anything it would be more of a pain for everyone else to change their plans for one person.

    As for your family, I would talk to them. They have to realize that this is you and your lady’s moment and they should respect that by butting out, even if they are giving you a nice gift.

    You maybe torn between your parents and fiancée, but at the end of the day you have to stick up for your fiancée. I know this from personal experience.

    Good luck L
     
  7. Golden Age

    Golden Age BATTLE BEAST

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    it will turn out ok. Sounds like the typical stuff actually.
     
  8. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    Family may be family, but if there is tension between your family and fiancee, you really have to look at the situation and think about it this way: Who are you going to spend the rest of your life with? Your family? Or your future wife?

    For me, there comes a point where my fiancee becomes more important than family. Why? Because I'm gonna be living with her. I'm gonna be spending the rest of my life with her. I'm gonna have kids with her. I'm gonna start my own family with her.

    Your wife and kids should come before your parents and siblings. At least I think so. Fortunately my family thinks so as well.

    You're going to have to take sides. Who's side is up to you. If you choose your family over your wife, she'll hate you for it. And you'll have to live every single day knowing that she resents you for not siding with her.

    If you side with her? Your family will be pissed off at you. Worst case? They disown you. But at least you'll have the woman you love and you'll both be happy. Will you resent her for it? Maybe. You may resent your family for making you choose them over her. But remember, you're the one in the middle here. You have to decide.

    I have a friend who was in a very similar situation. And I told him straight up that he was gonna have to side with either his mom or his wife. And I asked him very plainly. Are you going to be spending the rest of your life with your wife or are you gonna be a momma's boy forever?

    As for the last name thing. I don't think it really matters anymore if she keeps her last name or not. And your parents shouldn't force that issue. They don't own her. Neither do you. If you have kids and she agrees for them to take your family name, great. But no person, man or woman, should be demanded to change their last names after marriage. It should be completely voluntary.

    My fiancee wants to keep her last name. I have no problems at all with it. And if my family did have issues with that? Too bad. She's doesn't have our blood, why does she need to have our last name then?

    In the end, it all comes down to whether or not you will stand up to your family. Family will be around, but not everyday for the rest of your life like your wife is.
     
  9. Omegatron

    Omegatron Mandatory Fun. Buy it now TFW2005 Supporter

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    It's possible your parents don't realize that you're a grown-up now. Sit down with mom, and let her know the facts: This is the woman you're choosing to marr, and you would love for her to support the both of you, even if she disagrees with some of the choices you're making. Let your mom know that while she's still an important part of your life, the wedding and marriage will be what you and your fiancee think is right. Her suggestions are welcome, but let her know that some of her advice will not be taken. Having a chat like that really improved my relationship with my parents about 8 years ago, and it might work for you, too.
     
  10. megatroptimus

    megatroptimus Translatorminator

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    In 2007, you should pay for your own wedding. Parents paying for wedding is a thing of the past. They sure can help paying certain things though, but not the whole bill. My wife wanted to take my name btw, but it's so complex legally that she just gave up. But that's okay, that name thing is a bit retro anyway. Get married to please yourself and your wife and forget about the rest.
     
  11. SunDown

    SunDown Fatty McFatFat

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    well, I can sort of see both sides here. Let me explain. Your family, from your description, sounds to have a little bit of resentment toward your future wife. Mind you, I don’t know your family, so I can only tell you how mine would react. If I were to tell my family that my future wife wasn’t going to take my last name, WW3 would be ON. Some people seem pretty non-challant about the last name thing here but in our family having the single last name is more a sign of commitment, a bow to tradition. Wanting to be a family member (and that’s what both of you are trying to accomplish with marriage) is about an outsider being accepted into the group. If she doesn’t want to take the last name, its kind of like saying, yeah I love you but not all of you and that part, the last name, is not good enough for me to take.
    I would bet the ladies in your family thinks your future wife thinks she is too good to take your last name. Its like a slap in the face to the ladies in your family, no matter how old of a tradition, it is what it is.
    Now, your future wife is feeling the hostility and resentment and is possibly miss-labeling it as a racial thing. Maybe she is not ready to take a different last name just yet, I can see her point. We can’t really talk about other countries cultures as what you’re dealing with, name taking, is a deeply rooted in this American culture. You'd be naive to think life won’t be a little strange and full of explanation with her keeping her last name. Your children will probably get teased as to why their last name is not the same as their moms.......kind of see where I am going? I can tell you that kids tried to tease me, dad died; mom remarried and took a different last name. There was a bit of teasing that followed, nothing I couldn’t handle but still, your kids will have to face that stuff too because she decided not to take your last name.
    And contrary to what has been mentioned, it is very easy (paperwork wise/taxes etc) to get her name changed legally in this country. It was almost as smooth as a flick of a switch for my wife, except she had to get used to being a different last name....
    I'm running a bit long here but regardless of how your entire family decides to deal with it, it sounds like a dialog needs to be opened between you and your mom/sister and a different dialog between you and your future wife.
    I hope all works out the best for you guys......good luck, you'll need it!
     
  12. Boo

    Boo Addicted to candy canes.

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    I wholeheartedly agree! Victoria has been more important to me than my family for along while already. It's only going to become moreso when we do actually tie the knot. Doesn't mean your family because unimportant, just that well, you have new priorities in life.

    Thankfully both of our parents understand this... of course our wedding is still far enough away that things can change.:) 

    As for the name thing... I'm glad Vic's taking mine. We had discussed the idea of her doing the whole hyphen thing. Victoria Therese Fiorelli-Skoczen... just a bit too much of a tongueful, but it would be quite ethnically diverse!:lol  Just gonna be Skoczen.:)  I just can't believe how much work goes into a name change!
     
  13. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    How do you pronounce your last name?

    I want my fiancee to keep her last name because after going through her Ph.D and all that, she earned her right to keep it.
     
  14. Kupp

    Kupp Ford Fanboy TFW2005 Supporter

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    Even though I haven't participated in that thread, I think I needed to hear that because of things going on in the background of my own life. Thanks for stating it the way you did.

    If my Gf and I (been dating almost 5 years now, and looking at getting a house.) get married, which we likely eventually will a few years down the road, she wants to keep her name, because it is who she is.

    She however has this hairbrained idea that the girls should have her last name and the boys have mine, but she just wants girls... Yeah, that is where I call bullshit, hold the phone, that is crap.

    Call me a male pig, but the wife can keep her own name if she wants, but shouldn't the kids have the same last name, preferably the fathers, at least as perfered by me.

    Hybrid names, and new last names off the table, shouldn't children have the Father's last name if the parents are married, or am I still just old fashioned and insecure if I take the idea of my future children having a last name other than my own as an attack on my manhood?
     
  15. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    I think that kids normally take the father's last name because that was the way society made it.

    Just like society had the wives take the husband's last name. Only for the wives thing, modernization has finally reached a point where women are now starting to keep their own last names.

    I don't think society has reached that point where we have started addressing who's last name the kids will have. I have no doubt that issue will come further down the line. But for the time being, for reasons of it being a patriarchal society, kids keep the fathers' last names.

    Maybe further down the line we will see more and more kids that share the father and mother's last name. By then I'd say it's all down to the decisions of the parents.

    Currently, I think the only people that keep their mother's last name are ones that have their parents divorced and the kids want nothing to do with the father.

    Personally? I would like to have my kids have my last name. But I'm also willing to compromise if it comes down to it. We would probably have the kids have both of our last names and when they hit that age where they can make their own decisions, they can choose to keep which ever last name they want.
     
  16. Lumpy

    Lumpy Taylor Swift Actionmaster Super Mod

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    thanks everyone....i probably do need to sit down with my mom, she just never seems to care (which ive been dealing with since i was little) theres always something going on, and my parents relationship is crapinahat....my dad treats my mom like his secretary, barking orders (military man) and i just hate it, and my parents really dont realize that im an adult. and i know a big part of that is the reason im on this board in the 1st place...I LIKE TOYS....so fuckin what that im gonna be 26 in 2 months (crap, im old) and still get a kick out of finding something new on the shelf. everyone has their hobbies and toys. my dad has an airplane. that works for him...i like airplanes that turn into robots. but they cant seem to get over that. its like buying toys means that i'm still a child. and they really do need to just get over it.

    and razerwire, i think what you said hit me the most. if it comes down to it, my parents are gone. my fiance means so much more to me, and she and i are starting a new family, kinda in with the new, out with the old.

    and between my sister and fiance, my parents took us to hawaii 2 summers ago, big family vacation, it was awesome. my fiance was so excited the entire time, loving every single little bit of it, while my sister complained that it was too hot, or that she didnt want to go the volcano, or that her steak was cooked wrong, or that my brother did something to upset her, and it just continued on the WHOLE time...and finally, we were loading up the van (me, my bro and my fiance) and my sister came outside and just went off on my brother, calling him stupid, screaming at him about putting bags in the wrong way, and bringing up stuff my brother did when he was younger (and a little more stupid) thats when my fiance just looked at her, and told her to shut up. my sister went inside crying that my fiance was just being mean for no reason. and then, when we all talked about it later, my parents concluded that me, my bro and my fiance were picking on caitlin, then lied about what really happened to make it her fault.
    my parents baby her SO much, and just recently they've sorta stopped, but my mom still jumps to defend her no matter what. its really just high school bullshit. and my mom is the biggest instigator. i do need to make some time to talk to her, and get this shit figured out....its just so annoying....all i want is for them to be excited a little...but they've barely expressed any feelings (which is also my parents ways, you dont show emotion, its a weakness yaddayaddayadda)
     
  17. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    Glad I could help.

    I've seen way too many friends of mine in the same position as you. And to me, it is just unnecessary drama.

    If your parents spoil your little sister and let her behave like that, then screw it. There's nothing you can do to change that. The only thing you can do is just ignore it and wipe your hands from all that.

    If your mom doesn't seem to care about your wedding, fine. Do your thing. If they don't want to help out with the wedding? Guess what? After marriage that's less crap you 'owe' them.

    If I were in your position? Once I'm married, I'd distance myself from them as much as possible. No one needs that kind of drama.

    Just because they're family doesn't mean that they get to cause grief in your new family.
     
  18. drippy

    drippy is a freethinker.

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    Actually the current issue is that more and more men are taking the last name of their respective wives. In most states the laws and the hoops that men have to jump through to accomplish this are totally different, not to mention much more difficult, than it is for women. There's a serious inequality issue and I believe there are lawsuits in progress hoping to even things up.

    I was just reading about this. Wish I could remember where.
     
  19. Darkravager

    Darkravager Zombie Hunter

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    Wow. That is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard in a while.
     
  20. drippy

    drippy is a freethinker.

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    Which part? The inequalities/lawsuits or that husbands are taking the last names of their respective wives?

    If it's the latter, consider that some parents only have daughters and some of those daughters want their family names to continue.
     

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