It is three twenty one in the morning. Why is this three twenty seven in the morning? My life, is pretty meaningless. I collect toys, I go to work, I go to school, I talk to my girlfriend, and I save up for a vehicle so I may be able to visit said girlfriend. I collect little transforming statues, that are supposed to represent a fictional character and it almost replaces the priority that would be in the religious aspect of my life, where as most people would sit in church on Sunday, I would much rather feed my greed and collect more pieces of plastic that represent a character. I go to work, at a place that I have to constantly remind myself that "It is for the money..." almost as if I am whoring myself out to the clown that pays my checks. Every time I come into the workplace, it is almost clockwork that various managers dislike my prescience because, I have yet to be trained by the training manager in a separate station other than fries, lobby, towel buckets, tea, pies, and stocking. I honestly wish I wasn't at the bottom of this food chain, do I have to earn my way up to this fictional top? No... I don't see myself working at this place for a long period of time, just until something better comes my way, something that is more fulfilling besides I have only worked their three months, I shouldn't be complaining, but that nagging reminder that I am apparently holding the rest of the team back irks me beyond belief, especially in a workplace that prides itself with being superior to other locations of it's variety in the valley, yet... Here I am sitting in a pile of fries. I should just be thankful I have this one, but my greed for more jobs keeps compelling me to want more, to want everything. I go to school at one of the least respected places in the valley, community college. Though, it reflects who I am academically. A moron. I have never gotten good grades, for I am a sloth, and if I do not understand the work at hand usually give up, without seeking help or looking the answer up, though I feel that school should be more so about learning, then its current state of being based on tests and busy work. I just cannot learn without a teacher teaching, online or offline. Yet, in my academic career I have had almost nothing but people that pretend to be teachers, yet only care about the test grades, due to the fact that that reflects the teacher, not about how much information is retained by the students, that one day will be the future of our world. Will I ever use this information? Probably not. However, I would like to think that this information is worthwhile, because at that point, why am I even going to school? Just by my questioning, and my lack of proper grammar I am a perfect reflection of the failure of the education system, though it is possibly just an excuse to hide the fact that I am a moron. Though, perhaps that is why I have this crappy job in the fast-food industry. I am not much better for anything else, not that there is anything else due to the economy, however... even if the economy was better, what would I do? Probably work at this same shitty job and earn a minimal living whilst I'm held back by this "education" i'm seeking, and failing miserably at doing so. Really, the only thing keeping me mildly sane, and I use the term mildly loosely. Is the fact that I have my girlfriend. Though, I worry that I use her more of a crutch then I do a significant other, because I hardly see her anymore, except at the work place because we both happen to work there because the manager was unaware we where dating, which I find to be luck on my part. Especially since he doesn't care that me and her are dating. Though, again it comes back to... what if? What if I wasn't dating her... What would I be now? I don't socialize much anymore, except for the occasional phone-call with my friends who since december of two years go live on the other side of town, and the brief conversations I have with said girlfriend, because she is also busy with school and work, though she is busy with schoolwork that is actually meaningful, she is doing what I wish I could be doing. Art. Though, ironically it is what I am going to school for. Yet, they slab all these meaningless "General Ed" classes on you, instead of giving you a plentiful of art based classes, and then a few classes based on the fundamentals of society curicularized around art. Yet, I obviously need to learn how to write more English, because... The past twelve years of English were obviously not enough. Though, the more I think about it, I think I am more jealous of my girlfriend, because she -does- have this, though at the cost of going to a more expensive school. Really, I think the thing that is killing me the most is that i'm pretty depressed and lonely. Why? Because, I have no transportation. You would think that it would be easy to save up for even a dingy little Moped, yet... Working part time has a funny way of making simple things like that almost impossible. Could I afford small shit I want? Yup. However, the second I buy anything for myself, clothes, toys, food... I get the nth degree because "I should be saving up money for a car." Which, makes me roll my eyes, because you figure it's my money. I should be able to do what the hell I want with it. Even though, yes I am saving up for a means of transportation, it isn't really fair that I am not allowed to spend my money the way I want to. It isn't as if I am in the wanting of spending it all in one blow. If I wanted to do that, I could. Toys exists. God do toys exist. It's really that lack of option that bugs me. The, "You can and must" because even though I want to and am, I have no choice in the subject and -have- to save up for transportation. Not to say I dont' want transportation, god knows I do. However, I feel like I should be able to treat myself once in a blue moon without getting the nth degree and some whiplash. Really, this is what has been streaming through my head these last couple of months. And in reading this, you probably think of me even worse then I think of myself, and I'm totally fine with that, but... for some reason I have this growing sick obsession with wondering what your thoughts are on this situation, and if anyone can possibly relate. Hell, even though this isn't in the title lets call it "Derp, lets bitch", thread. The unofficial title of this thread, do ho ho.