I hate to say this.. but divorce is a possibility for me

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Predaking, Nov 11, 2007.

  1. Predaking

    Predaking Well-Known Member

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    As many of you know, me and my wife welcomed our first child a little more than a month ago. I am still very much in cloud 9 and really love and adore my son but as for my wife... well I have very opposite feelings about it. I really cannot stand my wife at all because she's overly critical of me and likes to ridicule me in front of others, while providing me with no emotional support when I needed it.

    It all goes back to when we were having our long distance relationship, when she would visit me in the US from taiwan every 3 months. We were having our disagreements then and broke up plenty of times during our 3 years together. I tried to seek help from her friends, my friends, my mom and sis to be the mediator because we couldn't resolve the problems ourselves by communicating. When I decided to propose to her I thought we just needed to be living together to make the problems go away. It didn't occur to me that those are real personality conflicts we are having and not just a few disagreements between couples.

    The things I hate the most about my wife is her blunt criticisms of me whenever I made a mistake, big or small. I was 5 mins or so late picking her and her friend up (along with my son) after a baby shower and she was going off on me with her friend present and really embarrassed me. When I make a mistake she likes to say (in chinese) "You are pissing me off to death" (rough translation) and that just makes my blood boil, so much that I want to call off the marriage right then and there. She's a Virgo and I believe they have a perfectionist complex where everything must be the way they want or else. She also hates it when I am surfing the net or playing games to relieve stress from work. She'll rattle off a list of things I should do and restates her fave line to express her displeasure. She's also unsympathetic toward me venting about my job. Whenever I talk to her about my work (usually a complaint) she would tell me it's my fault for letting it happen. It's always because (in her opinion) I am lazy, not working hard enough, or don't remember things well, etc., instead of simple words of encouragement which would have suffice. I am at a point where I don't want to tell her anything relating to me. When I tell her I think I should look for another job, she would say it's all talk with me and why don't I do something instead of talking about it. You get the picture.

    There are lots of other things that I don't want to get into. Her mom is here but I don't want to tell her what I think about her daughter because it'd make things worst so I am pretty much at my wits end on what I can do about my crumbling marriage. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I vowed I will not divorce if I ever get married but right now I think it's better for us to go our separate ways if we can't communicate like adults without having fights. Even when she was wrong I had to apologize to her after a fight so we can go back to normal. I really can't stand this anymore. Help?
     
  2. Gears

    Gears buh-buh-body ya Veteran

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    Wow that's terrible for you after the birth of a child so recently. Seek professional marriage counseling ASAP.
     
  3. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    I'd suggest marriage counseling before doing anything drastic.

    May I ask what she does? I'd like to know what makes her think she has the right to be so condescending.

    I'm Taiwanese myself and would love to know if your wife is one of those Taiwanese women that is all talk and no action.
     
  4. Predaking

    Predaking Well-Known Member

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    She's taking a leave of absence from her work as China Airline's Check-In crew, since she can't transfer to LAX's China Airline branch she wants to leave open a possiblity of returning to work later, so she's thinking about moving back to Taiwan at some point, which doesn't sit too well with me.
     
  5. FreshDebesh

    FreshDebesh <b><font color=brickred>oye chak de phatte!</font> Veteran

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    Seems like you guys have alot of shit to talk about. I'd like to agree on the marriage counselling thing also.
     
  6. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    Ah okay.

    Yeah, her moving back to Taiwan just screams the fact that she doesn't care about you or the marriage.

    BUT.

    Seek marriage counseling first. If she doesn't realize what she's doing after counseling, then she'll never change.

    Since she just had a baby it could be postpartum psychosis or postpartum depression. But from what you've said, she was like this before the baby.
     
  7. Star Sabre James

    Star Sabre James <b>The JUICE</b> TFW2005 Supporter

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    I am no doctor, but I know a woman's hormones are really fucked up after birth. That could be part of the problem. However, I also recommend that you two consider counseling before you two consider divorce.
     
  8. FreshDebesh

    FreshDebesh <b><font color=brickred>oye chak de phatte!</font> Veteran

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    Well, from what Predaking said, I wouldn't think its post partum psychosis, as that usually manifests with symptoms of the mother wanting to inflict some sort of bodily harm to the baby. I'm not even sure it could be post partum depression since it seems more like she's just being mean and insensitive, rather than depressed.
     
  9. Predaking

    Predaking Well-Known Member

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    Yeah she was like this before the childbirth but being that she just have our baby I don't want her mood to take even more of a hit if it's not affected by postpartum conditions already. I want to speak to her about my concerns first and if she still refuses to change then I may have to schedule a session with a marriage counselor. I am already under a lot of stress from work (thinking about changing it soon) and my marriage isn't making things better. Sigh.
     
  10. FreshDebesh

    FreshDebesh <b><font color=brickred>oye chak de phatte!</font> Veteran

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    Still, I wouldn't wait too long since these things were already present before the baby, as you said.
     
  11. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    Yeah. Don't wait on this.

    If she doesn't want to seek counseling, then I say start treating her the same way she treats you. Maybe then she'll realize what she's doing to you.
     
  12. Chaos Muffin

    Chaos Muffin Misadventure Veteran

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    Me and Jess fight ALL the time. Well, she yells alot and I leave mostly.
    I get critisized like crazy and my toys get threatened. Man she goes psycho.
    It started with the kid, her trying to be competitive with everything.
    Plus we have nothing in commonand we both yawn whenever the other talks about something.

    If the baby says "dada", then I suck because it did'nt say mama instead.
    It just goes on and on and on and on. That's why Im here so much, it helps me get my ADD on. Us fathers are always doing something wrong :lol 


    Hope things smoothen out for you guys, I know women can change big time after having a kid, but make it through that first year or so and they'll chill out a little
     
  13. Harbinger

    Harbinger ecnayonnA

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    counseling first for sure. how long of time did it take before you decided to marry her? if i was having such issues before hand i would never consider having a long term relationship with a person. i also hope that the baby wasnt ment as a tool to see if it would make things better too.

    that and i agree with alot of other things the other guys have posted too.
    YAY i am conforming! umm, but yeah get professional help first.
     
  14. Wreckgar

    Wreckgar Anthony Stark Veteran

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    Coming fro ma married guy, I know exactly how you feel and sometimes it just seems that way. it comes in spurts and we all think about it but wait it out, go to counceling if absolutely necessary.
     
  15. smkspy

    smkspy is one nice fucking kitty

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    If your unhappy now and apparently were before (note to self, marriage is never a solution to relationship doubts) I say get out cause people don't change.
     
  16. Moonscream

    Moonscream YES, We EXIST!

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    Going to marriage counseling is a good idea, but if she won't go, you should go yourself. It will help you to understand what's going on and relieve some of the stress since you'd have someone you can vent to who can also give advice.

    And DEFINATELY bone up on divorce laws in your state with regards to your kid. Divorce gets a HELL of a lot messier when kids are involved, and if you want to be in your kid's life you may have to fight for him. There are some states, also, that have made it illegal for an ex-spouse to take a kid out of state without the other parent's consent. If she takes him back to Taiwan its not likely you'll ever see him again. It may be a good idea to explore if you can be a single parent for him, too, versus leaving him with her.

    I'm divorced myself. After 7 years of marriage, I got pregnant and it was my EX who turned into the psycho, wanting me to kill our child before he was born, even going so far as to start turning violent. I got out of there real fast, tho giving up our child for adoption turned out to be the best option for our child, as he has a loving two-parent family and a little sister to adore that I could not give him. Always think of the child first.

    --Moony
     
  17. Ogami Daigoro

    Ogami Daigoro Blue Lantern Bearer

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    If you need some counseling referrals for your area, PM me and I'll give you my email details.

    Outside of that, the first thing I can tell you is try to stay calm and not take things personally. That may be hard as a lot of flack is coming your way, but regardless of what your wife was like before, the postpartum stuff could be exacerbating what's going on now.

    The other thing I can tell you is that if there is a problem with a lack of connection on multiple layers of your relationship together, sometimes people unconsciously go to a negative place in order to get some kind of attention. It's like how kids act out with their parents. If there is a perception of being neglected in some way, people will pull out ugly sides to their personalities in order to get some kind of reaction from the people they love, even if it's negative. It's twisted and distorted, but it often works, which is why people do it (though usually completely subconscious). Realizing this may be part of what's going on can help you take it less personally and start to see it in a different perspective as a way that your wife wants your attention, acceptance and love.

    Problems like this that come up in couple relationships aren't signs that the relationship won't work out. They are signs that something needs fixing. And if at least one of you is willing to work on it, things can get better. If both of you are willing, things will get better.

    One more recommendation as far as books go: Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis. Very helpful and straightforward in dealing with divorce situations.

    Let me know if you need anything more, OK?
     
  18. KA

    KA PENIS GOES WHERE?!!

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    :lolol  too close to home

    love the sig, appetite for destruction inner sleeve art d00d, should show the chick at the bottom of the pic :lolol 

    besides whats already been said abt the counseling and all, i hope you also take some time to look at yourself in the mirror and know to draw the line between self respect and being selfish. obviously youve made some dodgy calls (marriage as a solution to resolve conflict? yeah, right). and while you coulda sort this out before having child, look on the bright side, if your spouse is really that screwy you can use the kid for self-defense.

    also, remember that youve got balls and you gotta suck it up. thats what differentiates boys from men, because men dont go WAHWAHWAH.
     
  19. 333HE

    333HE HERSHEY'S GONNA EAT JOO.

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    Best of luck to you, man.
     
  20. Rumble02

    Rumble02 Radicon of Obliticons

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    Dude. wow im sorry. But i know there are two sides to every tale. Definatly get counsling and then if it just cant work. you gotta move on. I am totally anti-divorce and only feel it the right choice after cheating has happened. but somethings can just kill you on the inside. My prayers are with you man.
     

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