So, you're an awesome movie critic and you want to write a review for the Transformers movie? Here's how you do it. 1) Spend the first half of your review talking about how much you hate Michael Bay. This is the most important part of the review. Remember Pearl Harbor? That film was *terrible.* In fact, it was so bad that you're going to have to spend 50% of this review looking at Pearl Harbor again. Hey, remember Team America: World Police? They had that song about Pearl Harbor? Kids love that shit. People will think you're hilarious. 2) Hold on, hold on, hold on. Aren't Transformers those toys from the 80's? This... this is a film about toys! And don't you also remember reading about how they all turn into GM cars? Well I think we know where the next 30% of our review is going - let the world know how lame product placement is. 3) Ah crap, almost out of space. Use the remaining paragraph to comment on... uh, how loud the film was? What else can we talk about... oh, it's pretty long I guess. Complain about that. 4) WHATEVER YOU DO - don't actually review the film. OK? Follow this easy plan and you'll end up with a perfect Transformers movie review.