How soon is TOO soon?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Omega Supreme-1, Aug 13, 2008.

  1. Omega Supreme-1

    Omega Supreme-1 Autobot Sentinel

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    Okay guys for stsarters, i'll get the necessary stuff out of the way. Yes, I know this is a message board for hobbyists of everything from Transformers to plastic animu PVCs. I also am not going to take anyone's answers as a solve/answer all for my problems. However, since you all are my peers, I wanted to get a general albeit wide set of opinions of people that probably have much more experience than I.

    Back in April, I lost a work-study position due to a very complicated situation. Less than a week afterwards, who I was with at the time (had been with her for over 2 years at that point) went into "You don't have a job, I don't think your life is going anywhere" mode. Naturally, I got angry because right now the most important thing to me is my education and I certainly didn't need her drama (it was effecting my emotional state, especially since I was depressed after losing my job, thus effecting my studies). So, despite it being insensitive and mostly because she couldn't possibly see my point of view, I dumped her. It also didn't help that I had become really sick and tired of her being a hypocrit.

    Right now, I just want to finish my college and yes, I do spend my summers with my folks. It's a mutually useful arrangement, and it's an agreement between them and I. I also work, besides giving them assistance which ranges everywhere from being a farm hand to computer repair. My ex however, yes she was in college and she had a job too. However, unlike I who spend at least more than half his year living on his own spent every day of her life living with her Mom; she moved with her to a new state for her to go to college. She spends her time when not working or school, cooking and cleaning for her Mom; as well as being a general maid.

    So you can imagine how I might get offended that someone who has NEVER lived on her own, says that MY LIFE is going nowhere; as if she has a right to talk. My biggest mistake was not completely cutting this girl out of my life after that, because unfortunately I did love her and saw past her flaws; love makes idiots out of us all ya know? Anyway, until July, the line hadn't been drawn where I cut her completely out of my life and you can only imagine how it complicated things. We spent a while being "more than friends, less than lovers" and it really dicked with my heart. It became a huge cause of depression for me, and even hurt so bad I had chest pains/tightness making it hard to breath.

    Well, it's been over a month now since things were finally at a close as far as i'm concerned. However, she keeps trying to get back into my life in little ways. She used a friend of mine, that she would NOT talk to otherwise, to gloat about how she went on a date and it was great; congratulations you did something that pretty much all of mankind has been doing since the understanding that you have to court the opposite side not just beat them over the head with a stick and drag them home. She's also been spying on my online activity, and harassing that friend of mine about various matters; like if i'm in a new relationship, not that it's ANY business of hers.

    Anyway, getting back on course, I just wanted to know when you guys thought it was too soon to move on and date another person; yes, I know it varies between each person. I've had people tell me that the best thing I could do, is just move on with someone new and that I have to expect to have my ex linger in my life/thoughts. However, and I really shouldn't doubt but I can't help but worry if I could end up hurting someone by having any excess baggage from my previous relationship.

    It doesn't help, that there is someone that has feelings for me and she's a really great girl in her own ways; like no others. She had feelings for me the entire time I was dating my ex, and actually had feelings for me before I started dating my ex; unfortunately, as she told me, she chose to let my ex have me back then. I do like this girl, she is a sweetheart and she even sent me a surprise "Feel better" care package once. I'm just not sure when i'd be ready to date again, and I hate feeling like i'm making someone wait on me; I told her that she shouldn't but I think she really has her heart set on me. To complicate matters, the feelings are mutual and I do like her quite a lot; I actually found myself starting to fall for her while my ex and I were "on again, off again".

    It's just a really terribly complex situation, but at least I know i've improved a LOT. I went through a bout of depression, tore myself down, and then rebuilt myself. I have a lot more confidence, and I can say i'm actually happy; more so then when I was with my ex. I've learned a lot from this experience, and i'm just wondering what I should really do. Part of me wants to throw myself back out there, but part of me wants to hold back; it's not like waiting and healing even more would be a bad thing right? If this girl really cares for me, and wants me she'd be understand and wait. I know on one hand, a lot of people would probably think that you shouldn't wait too long or else you might miss out on something good.

    Anyway, that enough of my rambling, I just want to know what you guys think. Criticism is welcome, and at least this isn't a "tranny" or other crazy story like certain threads that we've had in the past. It was just the story of one normal guy, one less than normal girl, and one other quirky but patient girl.
     
  2. Elita_One

    Elita_One Метал для життя

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    You can't really ask for advice on when the time is right to move on because only you know that answer. Some people take a day, some people take a week, some people take a month, some people take a year, some people never get over it.

    You need to move on when you feel comfortable. If you think now is the right time, do it.
     
  3. Omega Supreme-1

    Omega Supreme-1 Autobot Sentinel

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    Thanks for the fast response Elita. Yes, I understand that i'm the only person that can give me the answer. Though I didn't think it could hurt to get other peoples opinions, ya know? If anyone has stories that they'd like to share, i'd be glad to hear them.
     
  4. Elita_One

    Elita_One Метал для життя

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    I didn't say it was wrong or anything to get some advice but just remember that just because someone else gets over it in a day, that doesn't mean you can too :) 


    She sounds really insecure and seems to think she owns you and has to keep an eye on you....have you ever confronted her about it? I think she is the one who really needs to move on but can't.
     
  5. Omega Supreme-1

    Omega Supreme-1 Autobot Sentinel

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    No, I have yet to confront her because for all I know even her going on a date could be some silly game she's playing to make me jealous. Though, to be honest, I couldn't care either way and my greatest annoyance is she's dragging other people into it. I'm trying really really hard to stay above the game, and any of the high school drama she's trying to cause. It's just a great annoyance that if she has something to say that she won't bother to contact me directly instead of sneaking around. It just reminds me too much of high school, and it's really kinda...pathetic...Responsible and mature adults shouldn't carry on like this personally.
     
  6. Gen. Magnus

    Gen. Magnus Everything is Awesome

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    It sounds like you want permission to move on. You don't need that from anyone but yourself. Personally speaking and keeping in mind I can only base this on what I am reading, you sound as if you are more than ready to move on to another relationship.

    Just don't let your mind dwell on her, let her stalk you online, let her brag. She'll do what she feels she needs to do. It sounds like she is walking down a poorly chosen path but that is what she feel she needs to do so be it.

    You need to do the same thing - do whatever it is you feel you need to do. Don't feel your ready for a new relationship? Don't get into one. If you do, however, go for it. Just do yourself a favor and don't get into a relationship with whomever just to be in a relationship. Be in said relationship because you really want to get to know more about this person and all of the other normal intimate relationship stuff.
     
  7. Poho

    Poho That's MISTER Poho to you

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    what i have to say is no different. only you can prevent forest fires...i mean...only you can know when you are ready again. if you are unsure if you're prepared for more romance, then take it slow. let everything move at it's own pace.

    just an example from experience:
    in grade 12 there was a girl i was absolutely nuts about. when we sort of discovered that we liked each other we dove right in, made it all official and all that jazz...and the pressure was just too much, even though we liked each other. it was a mess within two weeks.
    we broke up, and remained friends for the next several months. just before school ended we realized that there was still something strong between us, but we decided to take it really slow. not going out of our way to make things work, not putting any labels on our relationship; just being ourselves, but knowing that part of ourselves was love for the other person (if that makes sense). we've been together for over three years now...and hell i still haven't actually asked her out! lol

    anyway i hope you see what i mean. only you can know when you're ready, but it's not like an on-off switch. you have to sort of test it a little bit. take things nice and easy with her, put out the feelers. you'll know what you have to do when you have to do it.
     
  8. Omega Supreme-1

    Omega Supreme-1 Autobot Sentinel

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    I try not to let her get to me, after all, that's letting her win at this silly game she thinks she's playing. I wouldn't date someone just to have someone, because to be honest, I feel really happy and secure with myself being single right now. I wouldn't mind being with someone that I feel a connection to, and want to get closer to that person. It's not like it's a terribly burning desire to do so right now, but it's not like I feel it's a bad thing either; I dunno it's just complicated how I feel. I think, I still need a bit more time before i'm ready to leap into something, because when I do I want to be 110 percent; as well as being enthused about the relationship.
     
  9. Poho

    Poho That's MISTER Poho to you

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    you said it buddy, she's pathetic. you need to let her go; just forget about it. you took what you could from that life experience, and it's over and done with. time to look to the future.
     
  10. Gen. Magnus

    Gen. Magnus Everything is Awesome

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    I think you know your answer than. I'm glad you were able to do some introspection and come to that conclusion. :thumb 
     
  11. Omega Supreme-1

    Omega Supreme-1 Autobot Sentinel

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    I'm just glad to be clear headed enough to come to such conclusions and to think so rationally. For a while when I was depressed, I had serious urges to harm myself and did injure myself on one occasion (though not too serious). I look back at it with real shame, and even though the injuries had disappeared they are still there to me; in my mind, at least as a reminder of never being that foolish ever again.
     
  12. Jux

    Jux Please, call me Steve. Veteran

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    You're single, and it sounds like for good reason. Stuff had been building, you finally confronted it.

    My advice is it's not too soon to go out and have fun - go to wherever you can meet women in your area. Maybe go on a few dates, but don't go looking for anything serious. Only you will know when you're ready for another full on commitment, and if you have to ask if it's too soon, then it is. But go meet other people - see who else is out there, find other people to occupy your free time with. The rest will come naturally.
     
  13. MegaPrime33

    MegaPrime33 Follow me @NerdActivist TFW2005 Supporter

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    This.
     
  14. Liege Prime

    Liege Prime Well-Known Member

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    Back when I was in college, about a year into it, I ended up getting seperated from my Wife. She was not supportive, even though I held a job and school at the same time. There's a lot of reasons, but I won't go into that. Needless to say though, it wasn't easy as I loved her, but I dealt with it anyways. I knew college and getting my life "established" on a professional level was hurting the relationship, so after the seperation, I decided to not get into another deep relationship until I graduated.

    So how did that turn out? Well, I made a lot of great friends, had a lot of fun, and managed to realize what I really wanted in a person I wanted to be that close to. When I graduated, I got into a relationship infinitely better and everything turned out fine... for me. It could be different for you. There were times where I was weak and wanted to take her back, but I didn't, thanks to my friends and family's support. It would have been a mistake.

    Ultimately what I am saying is that I think you should take some time to get to know yourself as an adult outside of a relationship and learn what you really want. If it's still this girl, then persue her again, but you may learn that you want something totally different.
     
  15. Omega Supreme-1

    Omega Supreme-1 Autobot Sentinel

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    Well, I can say for certain that i'd NEVER date my ex again. She just blew it with me to the point where I can't help but feel kinda like the person I was in love with once is dead and that there's this pale imitation that goes around with her name and face. I don't think i'd give her another opportunity to come into my life, even if I was sure that she had changed. I'd rather move forward, not move backwards in my growth.
     
  16. Talathia

    Talathia TFW's Cool Little Heathen

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    You'll know when the time is right. *hugs* I think everyone else said what I could have. God speed. Sorry I can't think of a longer response.
     
  17. Bryan

    Bryan ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

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    tl;dr

    But me, I'm always comfortable making jokes about tragedies immediately afterwards. Two reasons--humor is a coping mechanism, plus saying, "What, too soon?" adds ironic lols.
     
  18. Bryan

    Bryan ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

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    Okay, I skimmed it. Eh. One point I'll make here:
    No, those threads are awesome and better than this one any day. Just saying. EVERYBODY (except the mods) loves a good tranny post.

    Fact, I think I might post one later.
     
  19. Jux

    Jux Please, call me Steve. Veteran

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    I used to live in Trinidad, Colorado.

    And I still love a good tranny post!
     
  20. Gen. Magnus

    Gen. Magnus Everything is Awesome

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    Hell, humor is my primary coping mechanism.
     

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