How do you resolve conflict between your mom and your wife?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Predaking, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. Predaking

    Predaking Well-Known Member

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    My mom's been unhappy with my wife for some time now (right after our wedding in fact.. about 3 years ago) and it's gotten to a point where my mom flat out told me (in front of me and my sister's family no less), that my wife is selfish and bad tempered. There's obviously a lot of misunderstanding between them but I am at a loss what to do. My wife recently took my son back to taiwan with her and left her with my mom where there is a nanny to care for him so she can work full time. After only a week my mom is already voicing her displeasure to me for my son for hitting her dog, and my wife told me over the phone that my mom yelled at my son in front of my wife and my mom's buddies (who were there for dinner) on two occassions. Shocking everybody there and made my son cried each time. I am very surprised because my mom has always been very generous and kind to her grandchildren and even chantised my sister for doing exactly the same thing to her daughter. I wonder if it has something to do with her issues with my wife.

    FYI for people who want to know just what triggered the conflict between both of them in a nutshell: her family was here for the wedding and for convenience sake decided to cram everybody in my car so they can go sightseeing, which can seat 5 people but there was 6 people in all. My mom later found out and believed her family is uneducated and made very bad judgement that could have gotten me a ticket, and blaming my wife for convincing me to do this (tho she never admit it), then proceeded to not only chewed me out in front of everybody include her family, but forbidding them to stay in the same house as us when they come over. It's not a big deal to me, but from that day on there's always tension between both families.

    The dilemma I am facing right now is, my wife would like to work in taiwan in a job she loves, and with me still living in the States it's making hard for me to decide where I want to live. I want to live with my family but that would mean moving to a foreign country (although I have lived there til I was 9) and starting over. For her to come back to the States we will have to move out of a house that my mom bought for us because she hates having to answer to my mom and live under her rules (for which she has problem with).

    Their conflict will eventually come to a head I am afraid it's just a matter of when. My mom don't like my wife's attitude and thinks my son is out of control (but he's only two for crying out loud) and believes that it's our fault for not controlling his behavior. My wife thinks my mom is always second guessing her and saying things behind her back. Not allowing her parents to live with us when they come visit is a big sore point with her as well. I want everybody to come clean in a open conversation but that may lead to even more problems because my wife can be hot tempered and agitated and my mom already has prejudice against her so it'll just make matters worse.

    I just want to know if it's you would you try to 1) be a mediator and try to appease each side when they complain about the other one, 2) tell them to talk to each other and leave yourself out of it, and 3) move out of the house, create a new life with my wife without the influence of my mom (which will create tension between me and her for sure).

    I am sorry if everything comes out fragmented but there's a lot of things to cover and it's not easy to make them comprehensive. I welcome anybody who wants to give me their $0.02. Otherwise thanks for reading. I just want to get them off my chest.
     
  2. Ace Convoy

    Ace Convoy Well-Known Member

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    with respect...

    it sounds like your son hit the wrong dog.

    Your Mom should accept who you to Married and get over herself If you love her then Good for you^^

    You need to sit with your Mom and Wife and sort this out some way


    but still it sounds like you need to get away from your mother so Go to Taiwan ^^
     
  3. smkspy

    smkspy is one nice fucking kitty

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    Get single, throw Momma from the train, and start dating strippers.

    And teach your boy not to hit dogs.
     
  4. Foster

    Foster Super Mod

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    Yeah, he needs to learn that before he's bitten by a more aggressive animal.

    And you need to have a candid conversation with mom. Insulting your wife is insulting you, tell her this and that you won't stand for it.
     
  5. firehawc_69

    firehawc_69 cloppers = ignore list

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    Put then in a room together and play Monster in Law for them.
     
  6. Bryan

    Bryan ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

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    Buy your own house so that you can be your own man.

    My parents don't really lecture me anymore, but you better goddam believe I wouldn't listen to 'em if they did and I didn't feel like hearing it, 'cause I have my own place and my own income.

    Also, moving to a foreign country is a huge fucking deal and not a decision that your wife gets to make unilaterally or one that y'all should make lightly. And I gotta say, if you met in LA, and you currently live in LA...it's not unreasonable to expect her to be willing to stay there.
     
  7. CdnShockwave

    CdnShockwave The Prince of Poses TFW2005 Supporter

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    New and improved "I Can't Believe It's Not D_C!"
     
  8. Moonscream

    Moonscream YES, We EXIST!

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    Option number 3. Sell the house and move to Taiwan. Your wife and son are more important than your 'wants' and if you're not there with them you are not in their lives.

    And you need to stand with and stand up for your wife and child. Put your foot down with your mother, even if it means restricting access to her grandchild until she shapes up. Frankly, you're going to have to be the adult in this situation.

    --Moony
     
  9. rob_charb

    rob_charb Well-Known Member

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    Forgive the crassness of this, but I'm assuming you too are originally from Taiwan, hence your parents as well? If so, it may simply be nothing more than the typical mindset of Taiwanese that the daughter-in-law is nothing more than a slave and thus should act accordingly.

    You, as the husband, should put a stop to this now. It will only get worse as time goes on. If you are, as I assume, of Taiwanese decent, I can see why this would be difficult to you, as children are raised to listen to their parents without question. However, your wife should come first.

    I'm fortunate in that a) my mother loves my wife as much as she does me and b) my mum lives in Canada while we live in Taiwan :D 

    With regards to moving to Taiwan, if that's what would make your wife happy, maybe it's worth considering. I'm assuming she speaks Chinese, which will make life much easier for her, you and your son. Also, if your parents are of Taiwanese origin, you won't have to worry about all the hassle of getting an ARC (roughly the same as the Green Card in the States).

    Living expenses in Taiwan are dirt cheap, as is housing. The only concern may be wages, as they are quite low compared with the same jobs in America.

    I must, however, side with your mom on discipling your son for hitting a dog. That is incredibly dangerous, especially if the dog is unfamiliar with the child. The dog may very well think your son is attacking it, and defend in kind, especially in the case of certain breeds. Your son is, from I gathered, a stranger to the dog, therefore not a member of the dog's "pack" and as such not in a position of dominance over the dog. It may then think there is nothing wrong with biting back, whereas the dog would never do such a thing to your parents as they are dominant over the dog. This does vary from dog to dog of course, as well as from breed to breed. It is entirely possible your mom shouted at your son out of fear for his safety. I'm not saying that is case, but it could have been. Back to the point, children should be taught at a very early age it is not good to hit dogs as they may bite back.

    I hope this is somewhat helpful to you. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I can fully appreciate how difficult it must be for you. But at least if you move to Taiwan, you'll know there's one other Transformer fan here! :) 
     
  10. MetalRyde

    MetalRyde is an a-hole with a heart.

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    all in favor of telling mom what's what, say aye "AYE!"
    all oppose? "na-"(punches the guy)

    well there you have it. and as for your son hitting the dog, you say he's 2? thats a natural reaction, maybe he wanted the dog to get away from him. just instruct to him that its not nice to hit things or people or animals. he's a freaking infant for god sakes, your mom was in the wrong.
     
  11. DaraRex2.0

    DaraRex2.0 I'd totally eat the leaf

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    you should find a nice apartment for you and your wife and son, sell the house. Tell mom "I love you, but I can't accept thise if you're gonna treat my boy and wife like trash." Be tight with your money, if the wife needs to move to taiwan let her, but talk about it like it'll be temporary. But try and keep your kid, think about moving with your wife later. If it seems like a good idea to still move outta US, and your mom is still fussy, then maybe the move would be better.

    Distance makes a bond stronger, but it's hard as hell. but you shouldn't listem to me, I'm a bachlor ^V^
     
  12. Optimus Sledge

    Optimus Sledge Yar har fiddle di dee

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    1) Stop your kid from hitting dogs. If you don't mind your kid getting mauled, that's up to you, but I'd hate to think a dog is going to end up being put down for attacking a kid when it was just defending itself.

    2) You live with your parents and you're married? That'll be your problem right there.

    3) Do you ever consider actually talking to the people involved? I mean, your mother hates your wife, your wife casually moves to another fucking country and your reaction is "Hmm, I'd better ask the guys on a toys forum. They know what's what"?

    By the way, I've just fallen down the stairs. There's bone sticking out of my left leg, I've got double vision and my left hand doesn't work. Should I see a doctor?
     
  13. bumblebot98

    bumblebot98 Banned

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    :lol 
     
  14. Razerwire

    Razerwire 99 Problems... Super Mod

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    There is a lot of truth to this. It's a very common occurance in Taiwan with mother-in-laws.

    While it does happen all over the world, from my worldly experience amongst friends and family, it seems most prevalent in Taiwan.

    My mom unfortunately had to go through it as well as all of my uncle's wives. My grandmother was not a very good person.

    But from what I've read here and what I remember from your previous issues with your wife, I'd hate to say this but, it kinda sounds like you're being used as a doormat by both your mom and your wife.

    In regards to your mom, you need to let her know that you married your wife and plan on spending the rest of your life with her raising a family. Your mom is going to be a supporting role AT BEST. She is secondary to everything involving your family. Your family comes absolutely first.

    As for your wife, letting her go to Taiwan with your kid seems like an error to me. At least one that wasn't wisely thought through. Now that she's already there and happy with her job/life, the options for you are pretty much limited to you moving to Taiwan. I can't foresee any good for you if she's forced to give up what she has in Taiwan right now only to move back to the States and be miserable.

    And in regards for her hating having to answer to your mom if she were to move back into the house that your mom helped buy for you, why does she leave your kid with her and the nanny? Isn't that the same thing in relying on your mother for help? She can't use the house as an excuse if she's leaving your kid with your mom. It's the same exact thing.
     
  15. kronos

    kronos PSN = KRONOSX1

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    steel cage, spiked weapons, and show it o ppv. only the strong will survive. and you will make a mint.

    in all seriousness. its a universal mom thing that they dont like the women we marry or date. its all a matter of how you react. tell mom that shes your wife and you dont appreciate the way she talks about her. and tell your wife that shes your mom and she has to live with that. its always easier to dole out advice when its not me in your shoes. but i feel your pain man. and move out of your parents house. thats 80% of the problem no matter what you may think.
     
  16. Chaos Muffin

    Chaos Muffin Misadventure Veteran

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    Gotta love mom, but you still have a family to protect, even if it's from your mom.

    Time to let them know who the man of the family is, boss. :) 
     
  17. Ziero

    Ziero TFW2005 Supporter

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    Go with your wife since she's the one you bone.

    Psh, duct tape, paper towels and some 'tussin will fix it right up.
     
  18. thenatureboywoo

    thenatureboywoo Veteran

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    TFW2005...your source for medical advice and appliance repair information since 2000. And new for 2010...relationship advice.
     
  19. Sizzle

    Sizzle Sparkabot

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    I love you, Sledge, and I mean that in the gone-fishing'est, beer-drinking'est, non-homo way possible.

    Also, this is spot-on.

    Seriously, man...I don't mean to harsh you, but you're not living your life. Your life is just sort of happening to you. And it's every bit your fault. You're a HUGE mama's boy. There's no denying that. That's something you've got to change about yourself, or you're going to be back with mama full-time, because wifey isn't going to put up with it forever.

    And it looks like the wife is also wearing the pants in your family too. I'm floored that your wife is living in Taiwan, and you're back in Mama's house. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is that? I love my wife, and I give her as much space to be the person she needs to be, but I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs before my wife will live on another continent without me. That may mean I have to pick up and move to Taiwan too, but hell with it, China is a great place to live. We live there now.

    I mean, what's the point in being married, really, if your wife is in Taiwan doing God knows what (or God knows who) while you're sitting there in the USA. Dammit man, you're not even getting laid out of the deal!

    You've got a son. You need to nut up, and start showing your son how a REAL man handles his business.

    As for your mom, when you said your vows to your wife, you took her, forsaking all others. Tell Mom to step off. (Do discipline your kid, though. Hitting dogs is not nice behavior. This is all part of what needs to become your plan out of pussy-whippedhood.)
     
  20. Ziero

    Ziero TFW2005 Supporter

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    New? It seems like every day since I been here we'd get a 14 year old kid complaining his life sucks cause he can't get a date or someone with marriage problems comin here askin for advice. The only way any of this would be new is if people actually started listening to what people suggested.
     

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