Who the hell cares if he seems weak to his girlfriend? At least he'll also seem that he's taking steps to sort out his/their issues, issues that are serious enough that he has sought professional help for them. The problems he's having with communication are the reason he's seeing a therapist in the first place. Perpetuating the idea that people who seem help for psychological or emotional problems are "weak" is mad heinous. You'd see a mechanic for issues with your car. You'd see a doctor for issues with your body. Why not see a professional for personal issues? So is perpetuating the idea that a man has to appear "strong" at all times and never show any sign of anything that can be perceived as "weakness", even to those closest to him. People, man or women, don't have to be superstoic robots, especially if that's not what they're actually feeling and especially not to the people they're supposed to be open and honest with emotionally. The stereotype that guys aren't even allowed to act like human beings is one of the reasons so many men have problems like the one the OP is going through.
I agree with this. Nothing wrong in seeking help, especially if he's seen a therapist before. Sometimes its good to get some re-enforcement when things are getting rough, like it seems to be. Looking for help to deal with problems that are causing personal strife is the sure sign of someone who wants to fix things and thats a big step. Its takes a lot to admit you are seeing a therapist due to the stigma attached to it, and posting things like "you'll seem weak" re-enforce this. We are a better group of people than that my friends.
I'm gonna throw this out there and it's not to sound insensitive or uncaring about your situation - but just because these girls say YOU have a problem, does not make it so. I had a number of women in my life try to convince me that there was something wrong with ME - and it took me a long time to realize no, in fact, it was these few crazy bitches who were trying to ruin ME in order to make THEM happy. Trying to mold ME to suit THEM. So it might not be that you're not opening up - just not enough for HER. For THIS girl. To some other girl, you might be just what the doctor ordered. I don't think you need therapy. Sure, maybe you could talk a bit more if that's her complaint. But if after only 4 months she's wanting to have a sit-down and SHE'S gonna decide what's best for the relationship - dude - YOU need to decide what's best for you, not hang around waiting for this girl to decide what YOU will do. There's a saying. "When a woman gets over you, get under another one." We've met personally at toyshows - you're not a bad looking dude and you seem to have your shit together. I would not sweat this girl - I've got a sneaking suspicion that she can easily be replaced. I know that's not what you're trying to do - but - just saying. It ain't time to put on the Chicago's Greatest Hits, drink the entire bottle of liquor, and cry - not just yet. Good luck man! See you at NJCC hopefully!
The key thing I need to work on is trying to be more open with my feelings and thats what I need to do to let her into my life. I am doing this not because I have to or anyones forcing me, its because I want to. I have always been the brooding type when I am upset about something, unwilling to really explain how I feel and letting things build inside me. We'll just need to see if shes willing to give me another chance. You're exactly right, I have been unwilling to let her see the true me so far and that is what needs to change. I need to show her I am willing to confront my issues head on and conquer them, to show I am truly ready for change. One thing I always tell her is that I think of her everyday and how I can make her happy. We've had this conversation a few times before where she said that she wants me to open up to her, and I didn't take it to heart as I am now. I am just wondering what I can do to finally show her I am taking that next crucial step for change. I did explain that its difficult for me to open up and that I am taking steps to show her that I'm serious about change for the better. I fully understand that she needs to know my entire past, not just what I pick and choose at times, she needs to see why I am the way I am, what makes me tick and also how I am willing to change for not only my own well being but also out relationship. The main reason why I want to go see my long-time therapist is because he can and will look at everything objectively and try to break down exactly what I am trying to do here, and to give me steps to do it. I want to show her that I am serious about opening up emotionally to her, I just want her to see that. My therapist knows me well, I used to see him a few years ago when I was going through some tough times and hes the perfect person to look at everything objectively, and to tell me the steps I need to take to change, to open up emotionally like I need to do. One thing that I was doing was getting upset whenever she mentioned her exes, I feel like that is one wall I need to knock down in order to show her I am fully committed to change. In short I feel what shes asking me to do isn't a whole lot but its something that I really need to do in order to make this work. I am not the guy who talks about my ex at all, but I realize now that I walled myself off because of what she did to me, and I need to tear that wall down anyhow I can. We stressed to each other that communication is the number one most important thing, and by seeing my therapist I just hope he can really show me what I need to do to tear down my barriers that I put up.
The thing I realize now is that I need to make that change, to let these walls down and to let her see the real me. I want to show her that I will do everything short of moving heaven and earth to accomplish this. She knows that I am good person who will treat her right, and now she needs to see that I am willing to make myself emotionally available and to let her know the changes I am willing to make. We have talked about this before but now is the time where I finally realize whats going on. She wants me to accept her and her past as well. Talking about that stuff usually makes me uncomfortable but its something that I'm going to have to do for the sake of our relationship. I see what you mean, and the thing I need to work on personally is to make myself available emotionally. I realize that I can be like that towards other people too, I choose to go back into my shell and hold things in when things aren't going my way, and that needs to change. In order to fully accept her into my life I need to be willing to share everything about myself, and making myself emotionally vulnerable to her is something I'll need to do in order to get things back on track. Its funny that you mention my appearance, I've heard that from other people as well and while I acknowledge it, I am still very insecure about myself. I am without an ego and you can even say that I lack confidence. While this is not good either, its something for another day that I'll need to focus on. I also got most of the emotion out last night, I really had to. It helped me to do that, it really did. I'll def be at the next NJCC bro I look forward to seeing you again.
Sounds like you've got her on the same page as you are, that you're committed to addressing your issues and that you've taken concrete steps to do so. I would hope that she sees that and understands that this is an undertaking that will likely take a lot of time, and a great deal of patience and understanding on her part in the meantime. Good luck with this, seriously, best of luck. You mention that her talking about her exes is a sticking point for you. If you don't feel comfortable going into specifics, I completely understand, and you are of course under no obligation to answer, but could you elaborate more on how this is an issue? Are there other areas of your life that you feel similar about talking about with her, in that you would rather just "move past" and forget about them? It sounds like its been a source of significant pain for you, do you feel like discussing them brings back some of that pain? For many people, there's something of a fear (whether conscious or subconscious) of discussing subjects like this, especially with a partner, due to the belief (again, whether conscious or unconscious) that it will precipitate a repeat of the events in question. The irony in this is that a failure to address these issues and their impact on a person emotionally can put them into habits that can cause ongoing stress in their current relationships. I'm not a professional, but maybe there would be some value in consciously reminding yourself that your current partner is a new person, who has not done the hurtful things to you past partners have, and who deserves a chance for that same level of intimacy, when you find yourself in these situations. Or maybe I'm wrong here, as I admit I am completely speculating.
Emotionally, people are wired differently. We don't react the same way to things, which is why I think it's somewhat asinine for people to recommend help or to imply that there's something wrong. By nature, some people are extroverts, whereas others are more introverted. You can't expect everyone to think and behave the same way.
I just pray that she sees that I am willing to let her into my life emotionally and spiritually and that she is willing to work with me through that. When she talks about her exes I get very emotional, just the thought of her being with someone other then me makes me upset, even though I trust her 100% that she will be loyal to me, as I am to her. In talking about my past traumatic experience with my ex (which is in full detail in an earlier post in the thread), I told her basically what happened but it still makes me uncomfortable to talk about with her because it was one of the most painful experiences of my life which is something I want to leave in the past where it belongs but talking to her about my past will help me to mature as a person and to also show her that she is the one I truly love. She told me that she has feelings of insecurity when I don't talk about my ex, and I should have really opened up then instead of shutting her out, that was a terrible mistake on my part and I was too ignorant to see how much that was hurting her, and now I finally realize that. I think you are exactly right on the topic of being consciously and subconsciously avoidant of topics like this in a relationship. I was a fool to not realize how much this was hurting her, and now I am paying the price. I just pray that its not too late. I am very introverted, I am about 80% introverted (with a 0% being right in the middle of being an introvert and extrovert) and that is also something I need to factor in as well.
Sounds like she just doesn't want an introverted boyfriend. Drop the drag and get a less talkative vag.
Almost seems like she just wants you to be a shoulder to soak up her vents. If she becomes more distant everytime you make an advance for some lovins, then yeah. May be useful to find out why her & her ex's broke up. Love can blind us and make us put the wrong people on pedestals. Don't trust any of them. If she wants to talk about exes, then tell her how all of yours used to put out 3 times a day and how great it was. It's got to be fair, don't be a mindslave. But in all seriousness, I hope you all can work it out and that's it's the real thing.
I should really try to get some sleep, but a fact of the matter is I am still devastated about what she told me last night, I am praying that she sees I am trying to change for our relationship. Right now I am approaching this in the worst case scenario (a break up) because I can't get this off of my mind, I slept two hours last night and don't see myself falling asleep again for a while. I have been listening to this sad song from the soul calibur v soundtrack (its track #6) and have spent all of my waking time updating this post, looking at reddit for relationship help, and just plain crying. I just want to get this emotion out anyway I can, and hopefully this will work, but I plan on going to a friends house soon to get my mind off things. She did update her facebook with this quote though. "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." I can't tell is this is a good or a bad thing, what do you guys think?
That quote speaks volumes about love in general and is not specific to your situation. It basically says that both persons in the relationship have to be happy. And that quote is true in the fact that it truly takes two people to love each other.
Huh, I've never heard this quote before, but I'd say it's a good one! Extremely true, and I may have to use it sometime! I don't have much advice for you right now, but the girl I love right now might... She has an extremely similar issue with me right now... One thing is, your girl, Jenn, has to be willing to help you with this. She has to show you how she's not going to betray your trust like other people have. I'll email my girl this topic sometime and when she replies with her advice I'll post it for you... Like I said though, Jenn has to be willing to help you. It won't be short-term, but in the long-run if you both try the results will be worth it. Relationships are always a mutual effort.
I am still trying to figure out why she put that quote up, but a fact of the matter is that I told her last night that I truly loved her, and she questioned that by saying "how can you feel that way, its only been 4 months." I told her that I have felt that way ever since I first asked her out on halloween night, it was a special gut feeling that I couldn't describe but I felt it with her. I asked her if she felt the same way and all she could say was "I love everything about you" but couldn't say that she loved me as a person, if that makes any sense (to complicate matters she said "I love you" first several months ago which baffled me). I trust her in that I know she will not deliberately hurt me, but I need to make the next step and open myself emotionally to show her that I am willing to accept her into my life, and that I want both of us to share everything, our past, present, good, bad, and hopefully the future. I guess the meaning of the quote is that true love requires both people to be happy, and maybe she has a point. I texted her when I woke up 4 hours ago and told her I didn't get any sleep and she asked "why?" I told her I couldn't relax due to me thinking about what happened last night, and she told me she didn't want to talk about that until next week. That pretty much ruined my whole plan of talking to her about it friday or saturday (since she leaves for vacation on sunday) but I need to respect her wishes for space and time to think. I just pray that she is willing to work with me through this tough time and improve our relationship. I understand that relationships take work, and I am 100% committed to working hard and showing her that I really care and love her. Oh and seriously guys, you all have helped me so much in my tough time now (I know I am only 24 and there is still much for me to experience) and I thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful support. I originally joined TFW a year ago to sell a chunk of my collection, but I never realized how many great people we have here. I'm very happy to be associated with a great community, and thank you all once again
Outside of extreme circumstances, like being stalked by an ex, I would never talk to any future girlfriends about any of my exes. There's no reason to do it: That business is over and it was between my ex and me. I would not tolerate a girlfriend talking about her exes, barring the stalker circumstance or something similar, because I would be bored to tears by it.
Honestly, I wouldn't bring it up or talk endlessly about their flavors of pussy, but I wouldn't avoid the subject if it came up. It's like so what if I dated *insert name* for x amount of time, and so what if I make fun of her crazy drunk dad? If nothing else, it'd be a crime against comedy to keep that shit a secret.
If someone wants you to change, piss on them. If you want to change because it is something you need or want to do then by all means go for it. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Also piss off when talking about ex'es too, shit always leads to trouble. No girl is jealous if u ask her to her face, but they all are after the fact and next time u get into it, it will come up. Ask me I know In the same vein ya got to shut your pie hole too. She doesn't give a shit who emotionally raped you in the past, she cares about the now. If u have issues, work on them because it is something you desire, not what someone else thinks or wants you to do. Also if u have any video game soundtracks laying around, pick them up and throw them all away. Then play some real music when want to wallow in self pity and drink. It doesn't accomplish a goddamned thing anyhow. Finally, maybe you need some you time to find out what you want to do or need to do. That might not include her even, regardless of what u feel right now. I'm a lot blunt and mostly forward, but I have no problems telling what I think when asked So figure out what YOU want to do and go from there
Dude, as soon as I read your post I was just about to say the very same thing, relax!!!!! You're only 24, man! If it will happen it will happen, you will open up when you feel it necessary when you feel you're ready. I personally don't really force anything onto myself when it comes to matters of the heart, in your own time dude! Besides this could be a can of worms you don't want to open, do you think she's going to tell you about all the miscellaneous, random guys she met on holiday whom she spent sometime with and has told no one about till today, no she isn't just as you shouldn't talk about anything you don't feel comfortable about discussing. Besides women can be unbelievably petty, beyond belief, something you reveal about your ex(es) might come to haunt you later in your relationship. In closing, I'm not advocating you become some sadistic prick, but from my experience the phrase "treat em mean" comes to play. The women I've shat (not literally, not into that stuff) on in my life are the very ones that worshipped the floor on which I walked on-didn't turn up to their birthdays, rarely called them and even did stuff with their friends- are the ones that adored me??????? I'm just saying sometimes it's the opposite of what you think you have to do which should be done! If this girl is telling you how can you feel like that in only 4 months, then you know you're coming on too strong, treating her like the very air you breathe, like I said, relax. For me sometimes I feel it's about letting them know through your actions, of course, that your world doesn't revolve around them, that they're not the first and last thing on your mind, that if they left you or vice versa life would be indifferent your hobbies and all other activites would resume as normal!
