Thanks, guys. Even the negative posts help keep me grounded. It's nice to hear that it's possible to remain an arrested development manchild even with an actual child around.

 

Are you kidding me? Having a kid is one of the best excuses to act like a kid yourself! I take my 7 and 8 year old shopping to TRU to go hunt for new TFs and Iron Man figs all the time. I share my love of giant robots with them and after showing my 7 year old a clip from the new Gaiking anime, he actually shouted "FACE OPEN" when playing with some TFs with his older brother! It was awesome!

 

I find statements like these to be very amusing, personally. The old "Oh, you'll love it when it's yours."

I was abandoned by my birth mother at 9 months old.
Then I was in foster care for a few years.
Then I was adopted into a family with multiple alcoholics/drug-users.
Haven't been in touch with any of them for almost 10 years, now. I started getting out as soon as I turned 18.  

Guess that ain't really true all the time, is it?

And OP, never "hope" to be sterile. I "fixed" that little problem about 8 years back, permanently.

There is no guarantee this kid will "fix" anything. There is no guarantee you will feel an immediate bond as opposed to a sense of obligation.

Just thought I'd chime in with what else can be the result, keeps expectations realistic.

- Coeloptera

 

Yes there is always a flip side. But the fact that he is asking for advice in some way says that deep down he wants things to work. I love my two little boys, they are the reason I get up in the morning at 2 am to go to work, to wake up after 4 hours of sleep to take them to soccer practice, swimming classes, everything that just drains me till my head hurts from lack of sleep, just to see that smile on thier face when they look at me and say "Look dad! I did it!" and with that, it all makes it worth it. Every day, 365 days a year.
I feel bad for the things that you went thru Coeloptera, no child should ever have to go thru more in thier life before the age of ten, then most people go thru in a lifetime, but just from your posts I've read here, I can say your mom missed out.

 

Yeah pretty much this, I used to bring my kids shopping ALL the time....for them of course. 


And here's a tip, once they're 3 or so you can lift them up to the upper shelves to grab that one figure you want but just can't reach....not that I ever did that myself mind you. 

 

Having read through aledromo's posts, it seems like the gist of your consternation/wariness is the strength of your marriage/relationship with your wife after you have a child.

Now is aaaabsolutely the time flesh out any worries/concerns/disagreements you have with your wife - about your life, her life, any desires you have to life/act/pursue different things, etc. and whether or not its worth it to pursue those.

Try to work out as much as you can between yourself and her over the next few months. The reason I say this is because, honestly, in the near, forseeable future - 9 months ahead, 1 to 2 years ahead - both you and her will be devoting a LOT of your life to your baby.

This is going to be stressful at times, because you will have to drop EVERYTHING - any projects you're doing in your free time, your burger mid-bite, etc - to make sure that baby is safe and healthy, ESPECIALLY in the very early months. A lot of the reading I did continues to agree - the general consensus is that, from about 0-3 months, the child is only crying out of an instinctive need to have a problem solved and, barring help from nannies, family, etc. you and wife are the only people who can fulfill those needs.

...but OH MY GOD is it all worth it. I'm not going to say anything about you or your wife - like I said, y'all need to work out your own issues of being together, what a pregnancy means to y'all, etc. - but once that baby arrives, if y'all are relatively level-headed, you'll find that the time you spend together, as a couple, making baby comfortable and happy, is very, very fulfilling. I've found it to be a wonderful time in my life.

You can't wrap up all of child-rearing in a few broad statements of "yes, it's worth it" or "no, it sucks." You may absolutely LOVE babyhood and end up pulling your hair out about the terrible two's. You may find yourself smitten again when babygirl/babyboy hits five years old and finds themselves amazed and absorbed in everything you say.

If both of you commit yourself to parenthood, I think you'll enjoy it very much. Just be prepared - the entire process of raising a son/daughter simply becomes part of your journey as adults.

 

Well you are really at the point of no return. If you absolutely do not want kids you shouldn't have married her, or at least get a vasectomy. But parenthood is a funny thing. You may not want kids now but when you are holding your child for the very first time you will change and love your baby. Best of luck.

 

It is only 18 years... tops.

I honestly can't imagine my life without kids. They give me a valid reason to remain as immature as I am.

 

Maybe this isn't the place for this, but the 'you'll find a way' and 'you'll love it when it's yours' mentality just really grates me. What if the OP doesn't want to 'find a way'? (Too late now, I guess) And how exactly does one just 'find a way'? Is this mysterious money, energy, patience, love, time, etc. just lying around between couch cushions waiting to be found?

 

I not only appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share that story, but I also appreciate your signature. First real laugh I've had since yesterday!

Yeah, I'm expecting to fall under the obligated but dutiful side of this. I'm not going to run out or anything if this goes to term. But while I did flirt with the idea of a vasectomy in the past I guess that indecisive part of my brain that likes transformers (it's a car, it's a robot, it's a car!) felt odd committing to not doing that. Naturally, only when faced with the reality of the consequences does it hit how I truly felt.

Still, my relationship with my wife is wonderful. And I was always scared that if she never got the kids she wanted then one day she'd become very sad. I love her enough to give her that gift, and if there's any intrinsic good along the way for me then that's just gravy.

As has been said, I guess it'll be nice to have fewer dirty looks from the staff at TRU.

 

Do you have kids? I'm taking it by your first post here that you don't, so I really wouldn't expect you to understand. The "you'll find a way" mentality isn't a mentality. The only way to describe it is magic. And you'd have to experience it to understand it. Now there are a few dads that don't experience it, but more than likely they are not mature or are too self centered to have it happen. I was happy that my wife was pregnant. But I didn't feel like a dad or have a feeling of knowing what to do til I felt him for the first time. It all clicks. Trust me.

 

Well, if you are considering fatherhood as an obligation...SNAP OUT OF IT and don't be selfish. You are about to have a little miracle in your life that loves you unconditionally. No matter what happens in a day, all that child will want at bed time is a hug and kiss from daddy. You should feel blessed, not "woah is me". I'm sorry but that is pathetic. A child does not take away from your hobby, only enhances it. It's another way for you to bond. The joy you get from asking them "who's this one" and they say "Optimus Prime" is unexplainable.

I'm coming off as a prick but I hope some day you'll hate yourself a little for thinking the way you currently do.

 

The comments about "you'll love it when it's yours" are true. Unless you have some serious unresolved issues that are keeping you from enjoying being with your child, or if you simply have a mental disorder that obfuscates your emotions, you'll find that the more you're with your son/daughter, the closer you get to that person - they're your blood, your relation, your hardest project and your biggest fan.

The comments about "you'll find a way" largely relate to carving out a space in your budget for the child. For most parents, this comment of "you'll just find a way" is true - it may seem like a blanket statement, but I think you'll find that most couples, unless they're REALLY rich, do whatever they can (stop eating out at restaurants, use coupons, wait for sales, buy in bulk,) etc. so that there's enough cash in the drawer to pay for diapers, formula, wipes, clothes, school books, sports, save for college tuition, etc. Again, it comes with loving the child - if you truly DO love your son/daughter, then yes, you will absolutely find a way to make sure they get an opportunity to live and learn.

Being a parent is about giving up a some or all of a self-centric lifestyle. You are now living for your offspring. If you're not willing to commit to that in some part, you're not ready to have kids.

 

tl:dr - time to man up?

 

I thought the same thing when my child was on the way. With any luck, you'll fail at it just like I did. Children are a gift you never knew you wanted. I don't know how to explain it in any way that doesn't sound like one of those bubbly people you'd rather punch in the face, and even if I did, it's useless to try and explain because you wouldn't believe it anyway.

That's good, because it's about to change forever  . I'm not saying it will get worse or better, because it's different for everyone, but regardless, it will never be what it was pre-child. Don't waste time or energy trying to recapture what was, because it just leads to more stress on the way to inevitable failure. Focus on how the relationship has/will change and be open to it. *I* (and maybe it's only me) think a lot of relationships involving children have trouble because people try to treat a child as another chore or possession while they try to get a relationship back to what it was when it started. It's an impossible task, so any work toward that goal is just wasted. Relationships are meant to grow and change, but a lot of people don't realize that and fight the change.

If you open yourself up to it, you'll be surprised at how the child can be that "intrinsic good" for you. Don't worry about trying to bond with it, don't worry about how long it takes. Some people instantly become dedicated fathers before they walk out of the delivery room, some people don't experience that change for a year or two. Just remember that from the child's perspective, their entire world revolves around their parents. Very very soon there will be someone who thinks you are the greatest person in the world - and you'll be surprised at how much you can change when you try to be the person your son/daughter thinks you are.

That's one of the fun parts - there's a few other benefits that make up for the fact that you can't go to restaurants and movie theaters as much as you used to  

 

While I love the idealism behind your post, I just don't think it is true in the real world. How many kids are rasied in a single parent family these days? And it is not always due to divorce. Sure you can say that if the Dad spent time with the kids, he would grow to love it, but I have freinds whose Dad's left when the kids where around 10.  

Not to say that the op will do this. His willingness to deal with this stuff now is telling about his desire to work it out, but you never know...

 

Thanks, Cax6ton. That was really helpful. I'm glad to hear it isn't as bad for you as you feared. Hope I can get to half the zen you seem to have found.

 

Ah, therein lies the fear.

 

By the way, having just discovered the depth and breadth of people's character and experience on this forum ostensibly devoted to toys is it fair to say that this site is "more than meets the eye?"

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

 

Is it 'wonderful' because she lets you be a 'manchild' and doesn't make you man-up?

That's not a recipe for a lasting marriage. Even if she didn't ever get pregnant, other life changes will come along that will force you to be a man, and there's only so much parenting a woman will be willing to do for her 'manchild' in those situations.

A good mother will always choose her child over her husband if necessary as well. Don't make it necessary. Don't make her wonder "why in hell did I marry this manchild? Was I an idiot for thinking he'd change? Do I want to continue living like this? Do I want my child in this environment?" I fled my manchild husband when I got pregnant, because he SO wanted to remain the 'baby' in the family he wanted me to kill our child, and I couldn't trust that he wouldn't do so himself via abuse or neglect if ever left alone with the baby.

And its your attitude that's going to decide what the next 18 years are like. If you look at it negatively, it will be so and you probably will lose your marriage, too. Embrace it positively and get involved/step up to the plate, and it will be a wonderful chunk of your life.

--Moony