I may not be old (just turned 31), but I’ve already experienced al that misery you would combined when you’re 62…well feels like it. I was never the one being sick or ill, but my closets one have. I’ve experienced how the so called welfare system is more than a hellfare system to them. I lost my trust in justice since any one gets away with anything nevertheless – especially when it’s all state related. I’ve been surrounded with sickness since I was 7-years old - In early 80ties there was no real treatment for severe asthma. Countless night I’ve spent sleepless at age 8-9-10-11, because I heard the coughing of my little brother sitting on my father or mothers lap in the moonlight – afraid that he might slip away into night. I got instructed in how to clear his airways if he suddenly chocked in slime. Luckily my brother made it through, but it put severe strain on family ties – some family couldn’t cope with the problems etc and stayed in the background. Not many years afterward my mother got severely ill and still remains to this date and in worse condition due to wrong treatments etc which none will give compensation for or even apologize. All this of course has set it marks on my personality. People if though I could trust turned away… others could not bear me sharing what I’ve experienced – when once met with a “oh I’m glad all this didn’t happen to me” I shut down… this was in 5th grade. Since then I kept most of my feelings to myself – not wanting to get hurt anymore. I’ve always had friends, but never some really close. I never got teased or anything at school but always was highly regarded for who I was – none teased me because I frankly didn’t give a “shit”. I’ve always done well in school and I got through college, university and another marketing/economy/leadership education on university level…. Only problem is I have no goal – I don’t know where I want to go and I don’t have any dreams. I had a dream once … wanting to be in the Royal Danish Air Force…. I got into the Air Force, but I was forced to stop after 6months due to weak shoulder joint that could take the pressure. I got told if I decided to continue and things got worse I couldn’t count on any compensation. So it was decided that I had to stop. That dream shattered and personally I thought I had failed even though I know that doesn’t make any sense. My other dream was (or so I thought) was History, so I began studying History at the university. But for some reason it never really got to me, and many interested would fly among different topics and subject – but still I got through with a Master in History. I finished in 2007 and hoped that my life would take a turn for the better now since sickness in the family had taken a real toll on family and thoughts about separation/divorce. Since 2007 at every New Years Eve I’ve hope for a better year… still that hasn’t come. I today have a job in Telemarketing that totally drains me for energy with a poor working environment and the pay I get just barely covers my existence (bills etc). No room for going in the Cinema or taking longer field trips. I have to turn every penny. Friends from College or University are all gone… too busy with girlfriends and starting own lives. One friend I thought I could depend on slowly turned away even though it was me how sat at his hospital bed every day at the time he was hit but a hit and run driver and broke his spine, because his parents were to far away. Today I have no close friends, nor I’m looking for new – because I don’t dare trust them my inner. My brother today has a fiancée, a dog, a house, a car and I’m so happy for him that his life is going good – that despite that at the age of 24 he is operated for herniated disc and can’t any longer work as a mechanic. He has to get a re-education, but because he’s too young he can’t get any help for that, and he can’t afford paying another education himself. Despite some pain he still is in a good mood. I hate I can’t help him – just like I can’t help my mother. Because I can’t help… I’ve turned in the background since it bothers me. I envy them that even though being ill they still have lust on life. I live on my own in a 55m2 apartment – me and my TransFormers collection which I know has been a substitute for years. I know I’ve fled to the TF universe instead fighting the real universe. I turned to myself and kept me to my own company. That was what I wanted in many years. I have a car, but it’s still in my fathers name since I simply don’t have the income to be able to afford the insurance costs for a person at my age nor being registered as “new” driver – despite I had drivers license since 1998. So I pay for the insurance costs in his name since that I can just afford. I never had a girlfriend… well I did for like 1month and then it turned out she was a pure lunatic suffering from Border line – way to pick your women bro’!. Still that one month awoke a feeling I never had… longing for some one else to share things with. I began to hate that feeling and just wished it to go away so I could return to ‘normal’ instead of this screwed up emotional system. After 1year I’ve slowly reverted back to myself. So what does all this babble sum up to?. Well my parents can see I don’t thrive and the refuse to see me looking like a hung cat (Danish way of saying you look miserable) and having empty eyes – so they want me to get some professional help to get my lust on life back. I know I had to say yes, so I did. I’m told to get my ‘act together’ and not waste my life. I don’t suffer from some physical illness like they do, my body is fine and I can’t just throw away what I have. I fully understand that and can easily see how selfish it seems to have a good physical health and then not use it… when they wished they had. I just feel my life has been lived and over and done… I’m just waiting for time to make it “final”.¨ In a sense I feel I’ve disappointed my parents even so I sound stupid. I wont get married, I wont get children, I wont get that successful career living with own house and new car… even my own cat. All this is just past my date. I know my brother who is 7 years younger than me can give them that, and I think they deserve to be grandparents – because they are great caring parents. I just don’t see why I should hope for something that is an illusion…many of my dreams and hopes (even small ones) have been illusions to me. So I stopped hoping and dreaming… because it scares me…makes me afraid - but I never dream of doing any harm to myself. I’m sorry to just overflow you all with this… I just wanted to set my mark and say “I was here”. "..Dying swans twisted wings, beauty not needed here Lost my love, lost my life, in this garden of fear I have seen many things, in a lifetime alone Mother love is no more, bring this savage back home.." Iron Maiden – Brave New World.