Have some of you ever lost faith in life ?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by SureShot90, Jun 20, 2011.

  1. SureShot90

    SureShot90 Peace=superior firepower

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    I may not be old (just turned 31), but I’ve already experienced al that misery you would combined when you’re 62…well feels like it. I was never the one being sick or ill, but my closets one have. I’ve experienced how the so called welfare system is more than a hellfare system to them. I lost my trust in justice since any one gets away with anything nevertheless – especially when it’s all state related.
    I’ve been surrounded with sickness since I was 7-years old - In early 80ties there was no real treatment for severe asthma. Countless night I’ve spent sleepless at age 8-9-10-11, because I heard the coughing of my little brother sitting on my father or mothers lap in the moonlight – afraid that he might slip away into night. I got instructed in how to clear his airways if he suddenly chocked in slime. Luckily my brother made it through, but it put severe strain on family ties – some family couldn’t cope with the problems etc and stayed in the background.
    Not many years afterward my mother got severely ill and still remains to this date and in worse condition due to wrong treatments etc which none will give compensation for or even apologize.

    All this of course has set it marks on my personality. People if though I could trust turned away… others could not bear me sharing what I’ve experienced – when once met with a “oh I’m glad all this didn’t happen to me” I shut down… this was in 5th grade. Since then I kept most of my feelings to myself – not wanting to get hurt anymore.

    I’ve always had friends, but never some really close. I never got teased or anything at school but always was highly regarded for who I was – none teased me because I frankly didn’t give a “shit”.

    I’ve always done well in school and I got through college, university and another marketing/economy/leadership education on university level…. Only problem is I have no goal – I don’t know where I want to go and I don’t have any dreams.
    I had a dream once … wanting to be in the Royal Danish Air Force…. I got into the Air Force, but I was forced to stop after 6months due to weak shoulder joint that could take the pressure. I got told if I decided to continue and things got worse I couldn’t count on any compensation. So it was decided that I had to stop. That dream shattered and personally I thought I had failed even though I know that doesn’t make any sense.
    My other dream was (or so I thought) was History, so I began studying History at the university. But for some reason it never really got to me, and many interested would fly among different topics and subject – but still I got through with a Master in History.

    I finished in 2007 and hoped that my life would take a turn for the better now since sickness in the family had taken a real toll on family and thoughts about separation/divorce.
    Since 2007 at every New Years Eve I’ve hope for a better year… still that hasn’t come. I today have a job in Telemarketing that totally drains me for energy with a poor working environment and the pay I get just barely covers my existence (bills etc). No room for going in the Cinema or taking longer field trips. I have to turn every penny.

    Friends from College or University are all gone… too busy with girlfriends and starting own lives. One friend I thought I could depend on slowly turned away even though it was me how sat at his hospital bed every day at the time he was hit but a hit and run driver and broke his spine, because his parents were to far away. Today I have no close friends, nor I’m looking for new – because I don’t dare trust them my inner.

    My brother today has a fiancée, a dog, a house, a car and I’m so happy for him that his life is going good – that despite that at the age of 24 he is operated for herniated disc and can’t any longer work as a mechanic. He has to get a re-education, but because he’s too young he can’t get any help for that, and he can’t afford paying another education himself. Despite some pain he still is in a good mood. I hate I can’t help him – just like I can’t help my mother. Because I can’t help… I’ve turned in the background since it bothers me.
    I envy them that even though being ill they still have lust on life.

    I live on my own in a 55m2 apartment – me and my TransFormers collection which I know has been a substitute for years. I know I’ve fled to the TF universe instead fighting the real universe.
    I turned to myself and kept me to my own company. That was what I wanted in many years. I have a car, but it’s still in my fathers name since I simply don’t have the income to be able to afford the insurance costs for a person at my age nor being registered as “new” driver – despite I had drivers license since 1998. So I pay for the insurance costs in his name since that I can just afford.

    I never had a girlfriend… well I did for like 1month and then it turned out she was a pure lunatic suffering from Border line – way to pick your women bro’!. Still that one month awoke a feeling I never had… longing for some one else to share things with. I began to hate that feeling and just wished it to go away so I could return to ‘normal’ instead of this screwed up emotional system.
    After 1year I’ve slowly reverted back to myself.

    So what does all this babble sum up to?.
    Well my parents can see I don’t thrive and the refuse to see me looking like a hung cat (Danish way of saying you look miserable) and having empty eyes – so they want me to get some professional help to get my lust on life back. I know I had to say yes, so I did.
    I’m told to get my ‘act together’ and not waste my life. I don’t suffer from some physical illness like they do, my body is fine and I can’t just throw away what I have. I fully understand that and can easily see how selfish it seems to have a good physical health and then not use it… when they wished they had.

    I just feel my life has been lived and over and done… I’m just waiting for time to make it “final”.¨
    In a sense I feel I’ve disappointed my parents even so I sound stupid. I wont get married, I wont get children, I wont get that successful career living with own house and new car… even my own cat. All this is just past my date. I know my brother who is 7 years younger than me can give them that, and I think they deserve to be grandparents – because they are great caring parents.
    I just don’t see why I should hope for something that is an illusion…many of my dreams and hopes (even small ones) have been illusions to me. So I stopped hoping and dreaming… because it scares me…makes me afraid - but I never dream of doing any harm to myself.

    I’m sorry to just overflow you all with this… I just wanted to set my mark and say “I was here”.

    "..Dying swans twisted wings, beauty not needed here
    Lost my love, lost my life, in this garden of fear
    I have seen many things, in a lifetime alone
    Mother love is no more, bring this savage back home.."

    Iron Maiden – Brave New World.
     
  2. llamatron

    llamatron Shut up, Nigel. TFW2005 Supporter

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    Have you considered seeing a doctor to get some anti-depressants? Although they aren't for everyone they may help out.
     
  3. SureShot90

    SureShot90 Peace=superior firepower

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    I have but I don't "categorize" with depression, so pills got ruled out quite quickly in the conversation.
     
  4. rob_charb

    rob_charb Well-Known Member

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    Dude, I feel for you. I know how hard life can be, and have experienced my own fair share of hardships and pain. I was in therapy for a couple years due to suicidal tendencies. To this day, I remain quite fucked up from an experience I had when I was about 11 years old.

    Having hit absolute rock-bottom myself and slowly worked myself back up, the best advice I can give you is this; never, ever give up. Life will beat you down and try its best to break you. Fight back. I know the economy sucks all over the world right now, but it won't do any hurt to you to look around for a new job if you really hate your current one. If you want a girlfriend, go out there and look for one. You will find one. There will be rough days when it seems like everything is against you, I won't lie. But you will get through it if you try. Find yourself a hobby, something that really draws you in and gets you going, other than collecting Transformers. Jogging or cycling would be good, or if you have a bit of extra cash take up painting or the like.

    I don't mean to sound preachy or high-and-mighty here. I really do feel for you and want you to know there are others out there who feel the way you do. I know how much it sucks to be in a position like yours (I can count the number of friends I have on one hand...but I prefer it that way). I know what it's like to have a relative who is constantly sick. My mum was in hospital more than she was out when I was a teenager.

    People on these boards will do everything they can to make you feel better, for the most part. Don't be afraid to turn this site for some emotional support. You will most likely make some really great friends while you're at it. I hope things start to look up for you, you seem like a really good person.
     
  5. Fishdirt

    Fishdirt Tin Toy Transformer

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    You hang on for the next turn.

    Set goals you can control. Visiting a place out of your country, writing a story. Those goals that you have no control over, meeting the perfect girl, getting the million dollar a year job etc won't happen from you hunting. They just happen when you least expect it.

    Just do things for you. I think the social pressure of having to be like others is a big grief to a lot of people.
     
  6. TFPrime

    TFPrime TFW2005 Supporter

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    It's a matter of what you want here. You don't have to live by society standards, or whatever is considered the norm. You don't have to live up to what your parents want and hope for you. If what you have in your life is what you want, and what you're comfortable with..Then enjoy it for what it is and have at it. If it's not, if you want more..then only you can really go out and get it. What you have is just as important as what you want.
     
  7. transformers32

    transformers32 Well-Known Member

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    You sir need to get laid....
     
  8. TFPrime

    TFPrime TFW2005 Supporter

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    yeah cause that just fixes everything..
     
  9. Aernaroth

    Aernaroth <b><font color=blue>I voted for Super_Megatron and Veteran

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    Therapy. See a therapist. It seems like it would help you get a handle on things, with or without pills.

    You also sounds like someone who needs to celebrate the small victories more. You talk about all the things that have gone wrong in your life, but at the same time, you made it into the air force, you got a masters in history, your brother has what sounds to be a pretty good life and family, even with his health problems.

    You need to figure out your priorities. You say you're miserable, so you need to decide for yourself what will make you happier. Then you need to make a plan for how to achieve those things. Then you need to follow through on those plans. If they don't work out, or if you find that it isn't making you happier after all, repeat the process. Even if you have to force yourself every inch, make at least some progress every day, because you can look at that for positive reinforcement.

    But seriously, if you feel like you're describing on a regular basis, seek professional help.
     
  10. Sizzle

    Sizzle Sparkabot

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    OMG, now I'M depressed for having read all that.
     
  11. Transbot90210

    Transbot90210 Banned

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    You don't catagorize as depressed? Reading your post the only thing I thought was "This guy is suffering from hardcore depression" The physical ability to do everything yet no will to do it? The fact that you are beating yourself up almost every other line? You want to be happy but you have no clue how to?

    You need some serious therapy and I say this is a good way. You seem to have all the right tools to succeed in life. Especially your brain, let me focus on that for a second cuz you seem to talk about it like it is nothing to be proud about. You got a Masters in a subject you had no interest in (History) and that takes some SERIOUS intelligence seeing as drive wasn't the factor.

    You really need to be rewired. Maybe it was your difficult childhood that taught you to see the world through dark clouds and now you need help changing that. There is no overnight treatment for what you suffer from. It is going to take a lot of hard work and you may have to fake it at first but we all fake it til we make it. You need to learn that there is a lot of good in your life, even if it just witnessing the beauty of a glorious day.

    I won't be able to teach you how to rewire your mind but you need it and I suggest therapy. Knowing you are not happy with things and wanting to change them is the biggest part of the battle. Follow through and in a year or so you will find your joy.
     
  12. Nexus Prime

    Nexus Prime Creation is proof.

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    Despite everything you've gone through, you may have some type of depression on top of it all, not because of it. There's a depression I've been basically diagnosed with, Dysthemic depression. It's a low level depression that last a long time. It sometimes lasts so long that the person with it can think that it's normal and they just accept it, instead of dealing with it. If you haven't already, try looking up different types of depression so you have a better idea of what you may be dealing with and then will hopefully be able to get some help with it through therapy.
     
  13. tomagnus

    tomagnus question the answers

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    hope is the underdog, never give it up, sometimes it's all we have. hold on to your dreams, however little and/or small they may seem, because they're yours. Do something out of your comfort zone, skydive, bungee jump, travel somewhere you've never been. you never know you just might find that piece of yourself you've been missing and quietly searching for. Life has a way of working itself out. Don't give up on life, your still here, so it hasn't given up on you. No one should be perfectly unhappy. Fight for your own piece of happy. If not for the people who want it for you, be selfish and do it for yourlself. Move forward, keep your head up and make the best of this thing called life, live in the present tense, keep moving forward and enjoy your life. We only get one shot at life so it just makes sense to make the best of it. No matter how dark it can be.

    Good Luck!
     
  14. SureShot90

    SureShot90 Peace=superior firepower

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    I'm very sorry I haven't written sooner, but I highly appreciate any one of you taking the time to read and reflect over what I have written.

    Getting things down on "paper" or rather screen, has actually made me see something that weren't clear or obvious to me before... in all those years. I'm getting a better understanding now for why I made some of the choices I did even thought they sound like total wack... but that was my way of "surviving" at that time.
    I've taken bullets from at lot through time like some target-puppet, but never with any visible bullet holes - I've just swallowed them bullets... now I need to learn to spit them right back out !.

    I must say I gotten a bit of an eye opener which I was not prepared for at all when I wrote it all... I'm not saying that to ease out things, but some things do appear clearer to me.

    I will take the advice both from my parents but also from the board to get all this talked through, and get some structure put into daily life ... and also see the small victories as something good.
    I've spent to much time on the dark side, and it drains double the energy.

    Thank you all so much !

    Well... that's one take on it.

    Well I'm sorry, but life isn't always dancing on roses. It's just when reality bites, it does it pretty darn hard.
     
  15. Nexus Prime

    Nexus Prime Creation is proof.

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    It sometimes helps to have a sounding board to help see things from a different point of view. Mind you the two you listed at the end of your comment don't count. I'll keep you in prayer.
     
  16. Dran0n

    Dran0n Junk male

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    I recommend My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
     
  17. Deceptijohn

    Deceptijohn Metallikato Master

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    It always amuses me when people start talking about "making something of your life". What they mean is "you should live like I think you should". 1000 years from now, most likely, no one will remember you or the person telling you how to live. So do what makes you happy and don't spend a second worrying about the expectations of others. We exist on this planet for a brief moment of cosmic time and all this rushing about to "achieve" something is an illusion. The people who win at life are those that enjoy the ride. If something is making you miserable and you can change it, then do so. If you can't change it then try to find some way to deal with it and get some kind of enjoyment. That's the only goal in life worth pursuing imo.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q95kX_EP2Nk&feature=related
     
  18. Blaster_Prime

    Blaster_Prime drank the last beer

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    Seconded
     
  19. Cal

    Cal Well-Known Member

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    You're asking the wrong question. It should be, "Have you ever gained faith in life?" ¬_¬
     
  20. Treadshot A1

    Treadshot A1 Or just 'A1' for short...

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    I'm still suicidal, so yes (obviously). I just learnt to control it, is all. It really helps that I'm completely frozen by heights, so leaping off a cliff isn't on the top of my priority list (I think I'd freeze before reaching the edge). I wouldn't tell you to see the big picture, though. That's a later step, least it was for me. Just gotta realise that crap happens, and that there are much better reasons to give up than whatever experience you've just had. There's a cliche of 'lots of people have had it worse than you' which if someone tells you, obviously means they don't know what the hell it feels like, because that can be the most demoralising statement ever at those times. Still, it's human nature to think a statement will help more than action. Just gotta accept that not many people go through this. If you can't find someone to sympathise with you, you have to remember it's not your fault, it's just there's few of them around, so finding one is unlikely.

    That said, there are better reasons to give up, and there are worse, its just a matter of whether or not you think your reason passes the threshold or not. Of course, that depends on where you set the bar. If having a huge collection of TF's isn't a reason not to give up, I don't know what is...well, okay, we'd all want a Fort Max, but within reason...

    Only thing I can add is that I tried to make my father happy with me since I was in primary school. Ever since I decided to follow my own beliefs and forgo a certain religion, he's had a contempt for me, never really giving a damn anymore. Sure, he does what's necessary, but that's about it. Ive just learned that if I want to be myself, I cant rely on him, and there are some relationships I have to let go, no matter how close. Impressing your parents with a good report is fun when you're a child, but as your friends have done, when you're not a child, you can move on with your own life.

    And then brag about it here and make all of us feel bad. ;) 
     

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