Dealing with grief

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Sonscreen, Apr 20, 2012.

  1. Sonscreen

    Sonscreen Casual TF collector<br><b><font color=#FF0000>aksm TFW2005 Supporter

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    I usually don't start these types of threads but I think I need to. I usually keep things bottled up inside but I think this is a good outlet. Here goes:

    1) My Grandfather (father's side) passed away in February
    2) My Mom's cancer came back forcing her into chemo
    3) My Father passed away this past Saturday

    Small but annoying things
    1) I owe quite a bit of money to the tax authorities
    2) I got a jury duty questionnaire

    I'm sorting and going through my Father's possessions. There's quite a few details to take care of as well. That's been keeping me busy.

    How did some of you folks deal with your personal tragedies? Thanks for reading.
     
  2. seekerblackout

    seekerblackout Banned

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    Last year when my dad died, I cried only once. I kinda felt bad about that, but I suppose people grieve in different ways. But to be honest, I didn't see him that often, not like that factors in though.
     
  3. TFW10

    TFW10 Well-Known Member

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    The way I deal with my grief is that first I cry and than I workout and exercise so I can release my energy.
     
  4. Onslaught24

    Onslaught24 RLRR LRLL News Staff

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    i usually cry and if i feel rage building, i either go for a walk with my headphones blaring metal music or play violent video games and blare metal music.

    sorry for your loss dude :(  i'd advise talking about it and once it's off your chest, go do something you enjoy. see if there's something that'll help you feel better and forget about these hardships for a little while. keep your chin up man.
     
  5. Aernaroth

    Aernaroth <b><font color=blue>I voted for Super_Megatron and Veteran

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    For the OP, regarding the issues he posted.


    Small:
    1) Can you afford to pay it? If not, consult a financial planner.
    2) Fill out the questionnaire, go to the interview, there's a good chance you won't actually have to do Jury Duty. Even if you do, you're participating in one of the most important things you can do as a citizen, to help someone receive justice.

    Re the larger issues:

    These are big deals, and I'm sorry that you had to go through them, especially so close to eachother. Everyone grieves in their own way, and you need to find what way helps you come to terms with these things. I'd advise against bottling it up, because it can be very difficult to get to anything resembling closure, and that can cause problems down the line or prolong the grieving process for some people. Talk about it, if you can. With us here, or family, friends, a clergyman or religious figure, or a professional. Whoever you feel most comfortable discussing your feelings with. Get help from those around you if you need it. Get what you want to off your chest. Say what you feel you have to say. Be angry, or sad, or scared, or nostalgic, or however else you want to feel about these sad events.
     
  6. terry981

    terry981 Well-Known Member

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    No one said it was going to be easy.

    I let God comfort me. It takes me a while to let go too, but I refrain from doing anything stupid or saying dumb things. I will pray for you sonscreen.
     
  7. TFW10

    TFW10 Well-Known Member

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    The IRS has a Taxpayer Adovate Service (TAS) its free, you can try to call them,
    (1-877-777-4778). (Believe me I know this number.)

    About Jury duty, there's something on the back you have to fill out, just tell/write them that your "experiencing hardships right now", (tell/write them why) and see what happens.

    Hope it works out. (Just a hint, the faster you do this, the faster its over and done with)
     
  8. Galvatron Rage

    Galvatron Rage Question Authority

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    It's not a big help - I realize that - but like Aernaroth alluded to, if you mention all the things going on in your life (especially your Father's recent passing), they will almost certainly excuse you from jury duty.

    It will be one less, albeit very small, thing to worry about.


    Hang in there, man.
     
  9. Nachtsider

    Nachtsider Banned

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    Everyone has seen me snicker. Everyone has seen me rage. Everyone has seen me crack the most offensive and politically incorrect jokes without batting an eyelid. But only my wife has ever seen me cry. She is the best listener and comforter anyone could ever hope for, and I'm grateful to have her in my life.

    My sympathies go out to you, Sonscreen. While we commiserate with you over what has happened, we aren't the best people to open up to - you're better off talking to a loved one or a professional who deals in such matters (priest, psychiatrist, grief counsellor, etc).
     
  10. pud333

    pud333 Well-Known Member

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    Just talk to people you are comfortable with, and make time to do something you love doing. I find it helps remind you that there's more to life than grief.

    Me? I'd talk to my gf and my best friend. Then I'd go for a nice weekend hike in the back country, be one with nature and myself.
     
  11. transtrekkie

    transtrekkie On the level.

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    Wow, that's a lot to go through in such a short amount of time! My thoughts and prayers certainly go out to you.

    For the Jury Duty, as others have said, I recommend citing hardships and that really should take care if it. With the IRS, how long do they give you to pay? And can you make payments?

    I recently owed a lot of money because of a tragedy (although nothing on the level of what you're going through) and it was enough that I had to sell my entire toy collection. I still owe quite a bit, but selling my collection at least prevented things from being a lot worse.
     
  12. TrueNomadSkies

    TrueNomadSkies Airachnid's ratservant

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    Either that, or C/P something from a Genozaur thread under the facade of it being in your own words & hopefully that'll be enough to get you off the hook.


    Seriously though, and at the risk of coming off cold, the main (if not only) way that I've been able to deal with the loss of my loved ones is to remember them as they were healthy and alive. While I know this won't bring anyone back or make things go back to the way they were, I've been able to find comfort in the good times because that's what they were. If I'm going to remember someone, it's gonna be when they were full of life & having nothing on their mind other than being a good person because anything less wouldn't be doing anyone justice.

    Also, and while I know this might not apply to you (this is more so to anyone reading), don't feel that you need to be overly expressive in order to grieve if that's not how you roll. For some people, that can be the equivalent of bottling things up for those who're naturally wanting to open up the floodgates, and there's really little sense in fighting what's inherently in our nature.
     
  13. MTME

    MTME Well-Known Member

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    First and foremost I am sorry for your loss and the things you've had to go through.
    I know a lot about having to deal with things as some members on here know that I was recently diagnosed with cancer. The doctors want me to get a hystyoectomy but I am refusing because 1. I want more kids we've been trying for almost 4 years now and 2. It isn't going to solve the endometriosis problem 3. I want more kids 4. There;'s the whole greif process there with am I still I woman etc. 5. I want more kids

    Losses for me comes in threes and then a happy event. Let me explain.

    February 2001
    This is 3 months before my wedding and graduation (teaching credential) from college.

    My Uncle passed away suddenly from a heartattack
    1 week later
    My grandmother (dad's side) passed away (she was 92 but very physically strong)
    At my grandmothers funeral I see my cousins whom I haven't seen in a while and ask where my cousin David was. My cousin wasn't at the funeral and I knwo is a really bad diabetic and gets sick a lot. They told me that David was in the hospital and probably wouldn't be coming out. The diabetes had taken over his circulatory system and shut it down. They had already amputated his legs and were set to amputate his arms next.
    The next day I visited him in the hospital though he was not lucid. His arms were black they looked like they had been burnt or something all shriveled.
    2 weeks later
    My cousin passed away

    Then in May 2001 I graduated from college with my teaching credential ready to embark on the education world and the very NEXT day I married my soul mate, the love of my life, my husband, Chris. On the way home from our honeymoon we got to see my younger sister granduate high school.

    SO see what I mean there, bad times 3, then some happy time, now next time

    End of June 2005
    I am 9 months pregnant with my only child. This is also the only grandchild great grandchild etc on my side of the family. My parents can't wait to become gradnparents and my grandaprents cant wait to become great grandparestn etc. In 1999 my mother had a heart transplant for her heart problems and was doing fine (despite it being 6 years later she never would have even had those 6 years had it not been for the heart transplant)
    My husband is in Texas (I am in CA) on business getting a promotion for work and more money for baby. My grandmother is staying with me in CA (my family and me were separated by about a 7 hour drive). My grandma kept saying she was worrieda bout my grandpa because he had a cold (when you are 82 it is never JUST a cold) and she was driving me crazy so I put her on the next flight home.
    The next morning I get a call from my father.
    June 2005
    My mother had passed away - very suddenly, very unexpectedly
    She never got to see her only grandchild
    So because I am so pregnant my brother has to fly out to fly me home for the funeral (my soul mate that I mentioned before? He decides to stay in Texas, nice huh), I stay at my grandparents house and saw my grandpa, he looked awful. Despite him being 82 he was never sick and I had never seen him in the hosopital or anything like that, he was always healthy. My mother was their only child and I didn't know if my grandpa looked like that becasue he was sick or greiving or both.
    THe next morning around 6am I here a glass shatter and a thump.
    My grandmother and I get into the bathroom to find my grandfather passed out in a puddle of blood that he just vomited up.
    At the hospital my grandpa had partially ruptured his esophagus and some other stuff from really bad acid reflux or something. Between the apramedics picking him up and just getting to the hispital he filed up 3 huge gallon thingies of blood that came out of the gestational tube through his nose. It was bad, he was pale and I thought I was going to have to bury my grandpa right along side my mother. Everyone was fawning over me worriedf I was going to go into labor at any moment (oh yes don't forget I am 9 months pregnant). He was also VERY out of it and didn't remember my mother passing. He kept telling us "Tell Carol not to come, don't stress out Carol, tell her everything is fine" we just nodded our heads. My grandpa asked who the preist was that came to visit him last night was. We had a no visitors restriction (too many possibilities of people offering condolences, he was really bad and he needed rest not sympathy) so we questioned the nurses who said no one came to visit him. my grandma took this as a sign and was certain he was going to die and she broke down. It was so sad to see my grandparents so weak, they practically raised us while my mom was sick and my dad worked.
    Then one day my grandpa rolled over and looked at my grandma and me and said "She's gone isn't she?" and my grandma nodded her head and my grandfather started to cry. It was more than I could handle at that point and I excused myself out the door so they could have that private moment of greiving the loss of their only child together.
    So, mom died, grandpa almost died, and we got the word that my aunt was going into a home after her alzheimers had turned violent against my uncle. My uncle didn't want to put her in a home after 60 years of marriage they had never been apart and he started to say "If you put her in a home I'll put us both in the car and drive it into a tree, I'll take us both out." It was sad seeing that whole thing happened.
    Three bad things, then hapiness
    Three weeks later my only child was born, healthy, beautiful, and perfect, as he has been to me ever since.

    Oh but wait there's more!
    in the past 6 months. My Uncle that I just mentioned passed away from a heart attack that lead into pneumonia. While on the respirator he didn't die until his kids (my cousins) told him it was ok to go, that they would look after my aunt. He died that night.
    My aunt, his wife of 60+ years (by the way between 2005 and 2012 she pretty much turned into a vegetable, she doesn't talk, walk, anything, yet everyday my uncle was always there playing polkas (we are Polish) and big band songs and talked to her and told her how much he loves her, it was so sad because all she did was just stare out into space. I oftened wondered if she heard and understood everything but just couldn't communicate, can you imagine how frustrating that must be?) Anyways, she passed 2 months after my Uncle did. But they are finally together again, where there is no disease to keep them apart.
    My aunt Mary had colon and stomach cancer and was literally a 4'10" version of Skeletor, I didn't recignize her. It would be the last time I saw her as she passed away a couple months later. these aunts and uncles that I am talknig about are my grandparents brothers and sisters bte, my mom and dad were both only child.
    So that's three, uncle dead, Aunt dead, another aunt dead.
    I've been dealing with health problems since December of 2008, having 8 surgeries since that time until now. We knew the possibility of cancer was out there, and this past February the past became a reality.
    So now that's four bad things, but wait!
    I lost my job. I am filing for disability but it is not guaracteed and it is going to be VERY hard to find a job in music with the budget cuts and my illness etc.
    5 bad things!!
    Nothing has gone right.

    People deal with things in their own way, by finally letting go (and NO I am not saying you should commit suicide)
    By having those happy events come into your life and cling unto them like gold.
    Most importantly taking each day by day and LIVE it.
    I hope this helped...in some...strange.....very long.....way
     
  14. Sonscreen

    Sonscreen Casual TF collector<br><b><font color=#FF0000>aksm TFW2005 Supporter

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    MTME, I'm so sorry for your family and for you. I really hope things turn around for you.
     
  15. daitarn red

    daitarn red bionic hero

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    i was brave at my grandma belle 's wake
     
  16. jorod74

    jorod74 Psycholagnist (Ret.)

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    My mom died pretty much in my hands in our bathroom back in 2010.
    7 months later, i spent hours sitting with my dad as hospice "sedated" him and he gasped for air and died.

    i never had time to grieve for my mother, i had to take care of dad, try to save my college classes and, was fighting blindness.

    So when dad passed, i was handed another series of tasks that took time away for me to grieve. handling the house, personal belongings...dealing with vultures wanting his things...ugh.

    the 29th will be a year from the day he passed.
    when did i finally grieve? when i ran out of shit to do and faced an empty house, my parents' pictures on the wall and i couldn't run out of the house.

    worst days in my life.
    it was like running the 100m dash- you run it, but you don't instantly stop; you keep going for a while and slow. and unfortunately, when you slow down, the body catches up. and god, when you stop, the lungs, the muscles ache and you feel like you should be a puddle on the ground.

    i still grieve. i still hurt. but i try my damnedest to find things to do to ignore it. yeah, i'll run out of things to do again (soon) and i will be back to square one. but it's the only way i know how to cope.
    some holes are not easy to fill.
     
  17. KA

    KA Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear abt your dad, buddy. Just keep yourself busy but with enough time aside to spend with ur mom. Just avoid downtime where u start reflecting on stuff n drive u crazy, youll have plenty of that later.

    If being with ur mom too much drives u crazy, its cool to get away for awhile n just see friends or something. Just be with ppl.

    Remember not to talk about stuff directly! Were asians goddamit :)  if u find it hard to repress stuff them whiteys are rubbing off on u too much :p 

    Srsly tho chin up brah.
     
  18. Sonscreen

    Sonscreen Casual TF collector<br><b><font color=#FF0000>aksm TFW2005 Supporter

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    Thanks man, I couldn't help chuckle even though it's probably inappropriate. Why you always playing the race card?
     

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