Conceptron's Response

Discussion in 'Transformers Fan Fiction' started by Conceptron, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. Conceptron

    Conceptron Banned

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    Ok, here it is guys

    http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/11132/1205153146.zip

    let the games begin!


    Can I just say before anyone complains about there being too many bots and having to keep in budget. Just remember this is a TRANSFORMERS movie and there are ways you can shoot it, so that you see only bits and parts of bots while they are in the confusion of battle which means that not much needs to be seen which means less rendering time.
    I think the first order of business in any TF Movie is to try and get the bots in there as much as possible.
    Again, this script that I wrote in pretty much two days(thought of doing it on the toilet but I've got a bad back) I believe is struturally better than Bayformers.

    Can't wait to fend off your abuse
     
  2. Erector

    Erector I ruined the Hall of Fame

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    IT'S SHIT

    ok i'll go read it now ;)  Constructive crit later ;) 
     
  3. Conceptron

    Conceptron Banned

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    haha
     
  4. SPLIT LIP

    SPLIT LIP Dry built

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    Conceptron, I promised that I would give you credit where it's due, and I have to say a few things:

    First off, I liked it. A lot actually. However it just doesn't seem like something that could make it as a movie. The dialog is very... obvious. Doesn't sound natural or beleivable, which is one thing the actual movie's dialog had going for it.

    While it is impressive and mad props for pulling through, it reads more like a well written fan fiction and less like a hollywood blockbuster script. Also there's a few "WTF" moments that really make no sense. The foreshadowing of the Autobots and Decepticons is kinda corny and the reactions from the humans to them. I tell ya, If I see a driverless car drive by I'm not gonna shrug my shoulders and walk away. However, I must mention the shopkeep and Sam scene at the beginning. I liked that. Made me smile at least. The final battle is... underwhelming. Too much dialog from the robots, plus it seems you haven't kept budget in mind. However, it is still as a whole the best peice of fan fiction I've read in a long while.


    IMO (which is what I beleive you want from us) it is a great fan fiction, but not a good script. But still, you gain major, major props from me for actually writing the script.

    I can't really call this a failure, but I can't call it a success, either. What you said you would do was write a better script than the one used for the TF movie. I don't think anyone can say you've done that because the way you've written it makes it impossible for one to be "better" than the other. Some will think it's better, some will not. It's like comparing apples to orange.
     
  5. rizuan76

    rizuan76 Banned

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    All Hail Conceptronnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!
     
  6. Conceptron

    Conceptron Banned

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    Well Split Lip, thanks for the comments; but it is my humble belief that the script that I wrote has a better overall structure than the movie. My biggest complaint was how there was no real plot, no real threat and no build up to the final act, in fact; I think there was really only one big act in Bayformers.
    I'd need at least a week to really go back and really get all the dialogue right. In two days, you have to say this is more fulfilling as a movie than bayformers.
     
  7. jametron

    jametron Release the Kraken!!!!!!!

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    I really dig this... all in all though I'd have to say that SPLIT LIP pretty much covered anything major I had to say about it.

    Enjoyable read, thanks Conceptron.
     
  8. Conceptron

    Conceptron Banned

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    Cheers for the honest critique.
    We await the response of my fello detractors
     
  9. Erector

    Erector I ruined the Hall of Fame

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    Indeed, same. My other gripes:

    - Huge cast. Works better with a smaller number of 'bots and 'cons I reckon, rather than 3/4 the cast of G1 in there ;) 
    - It basically sounded like a G1 episode, I'm not sure if that was what you were going for, but in terms of a movie, I think the theatre would piss their pants laughing if Starscream yelled "Auto-fool!" in a Chris Latta style ;)  The dialogue was a bit over-cheesy in places.

    Like Split Lip said - a good fanfic type story, but not sure if it'd cut it on the Hollywood stage as it stands.
     
  10. Draven

    Draven Banned

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    That was a lot better than I expected. Other than the comments already made (cast too large, somewhat corny dialogue, and the feel of an overly long G1 cartoon episode) I quite enjoyed it. An excellent fanfic, I must say; I do still have my doubts about its suitability for a movie, but a very competent job nonetheless. Kudos.
     
  11. Archatron

    Archatron Banned

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    I liked it.
     
  12. nkelsch

    nkelsch Do you know this Icon? TFW2005 Supporter

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    I will say that you did "sack up" and produced a script. That is a significant effort. And not to mention movie scripts do get multiple drafts so you do deserve some leeway because this would be pretty much like the first drafts like we saw before. After reading it, while we may not agree on the movie, I think you have backed up your talk with this script as it was pretty solid.

    Here it comes:

    *I did like some of the intros of the autobots that seemed very natural for them. I am torn on the whole start of the movie where the whole cast is shown upfront. While I think it could work I am not sure I like it as much. I think it works very well for your script because it is a much more Geewunny cast than the Movie cast.

    *I think the decepticons were very decent, and your Macguffin was pretty good. I was having a bit of a problem identifying who or what Chaos and Pain were supposed to be because as I read the script my G1 brain was filling in the blanks. I *DID* like the personalities and dialog of the transformers that was a cross between action and campy much like G1 was.

    *I am not sold on the Bumblebee/Sam Meeting scene. Honestly the "you have the Macguffin, here is everything about us in a 5th grade oral report" was a little much. Not saying TF the Movie's alternative wa smuch different, but I think I liked the scene of how Bumblebee wasn't disclosing himself to Sam until it was needed. I think it is hard to top Bumblebee/Baricades introduction in TF:M because both those characters intros were quite good IMHO.

    *Not sure about the Reporters and the President's support of the alien robots so quickly. While that is very G1 and does work for your script, I am not sure it is very realistic, Makes it Campy like how the Fantastic Four fan fuck up downtown NY city and no one seems to blink twice about it. While I Love Campy transformers... Not sure it works for a movie.

    *Kinda liked the no Megatron, but that is a risk to have a movie so dead set on a sequel before the first movie succeeds.

    Overall I think the story was very good and fits into the transformers franchise. Something like this *COULD* fit but honestly feels like it would be the level of something like Fantastic Four or Underdog. It would be 'pretty good' and liked by people but would not appeal to everyone. Possibly 100 clearer which would be pretty good. Honestly people who are not into TFs "liked" the bernie mac scene, Liked the Donut Scene, Liked seeking the Hunky Soldiers fight scorponok and Liked Bumblebee's Radio flirting with Hot Megan Fox. Are those low-brow movie Schlock? sure is but it was damn fun for a lot of people.

    My Mom and Dad, both in their 60's don't know anything about TFs were able to follow and enjoy the TF movie... I am not sure they could do the same with this script in movie form. Bayformers real strength was a movie viewer could totally operate without any outside knowledge fo the franchise. Which is sometimes hard to do in these 80's shows/Comic movies.

    I think this script would "Shine" as an animated cartoon or DVD release released in it's own mini universe much like the most recent Justice League movie.

    I will see if I can have some of my non-tf fans read it and see what they think.

    LOL, maybe this should be frontpaged...
     
  13. Dirge121

    Dirge121 Eat the chikums

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    Heh, I didn't think you would actually do it.

    I've had a read through, pretty good.
    Cast is a bit large, and some of the dialogue was a little blunt/cheezy.

    Introduction of the Transformers seemed a bit early for me.

    The interaction between the British and American soldiers was good, I got a few chuckles from that.

    One thing though, the rest of the Decepticons seemed to dissapear very quickly with little to no explanation.

    Budget seems to have been forgotten altogether, this is the biggest setback, but a good bit of fiction regardless.

    Conceptron, you have my congratulations.
     
  14. Grimlock_13

    Grimlock_13 Reformed Geewunner

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    Kudos on getting it posted man.

    I don't have much more to add that hasn't already been said. It was good fanfic, but I really can't see it being made into a feature film blockbuster movie.
     
  15. rabbid1

    rabbid1 Well-Known Member

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    Haven't read the whole thing yet... but so far seems to be a good start.
    A little refining here, maybe a tweak there...

    But overall- so far, so good.
     
  16. Erector

    Erector I ruined the Hall of Fame

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    Other thing I thought which I forgot to mention - I really hated the idea of the Decepticons regrouping / repairing in a scrapyard. Seemed really daft to me, but that's nitpicking :) 
     
  17. Ops_was_a_truck

    Ops_was_a_truck JOOOLIE ANDREWWWWWS!!!!!!

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    My honest opinion can be summed up in one sentence:

    This is a great, cartoon-style retelling of the original cartoon. It is not a movie script.

    The character introductions, the dialogue and the level of development that goes into both the humans and the robots is right at the level for children's entertainment, in my opinion. Now, that's not a bad thing necessarily - if this was a script for a cartoon reimagining of Transformers (like, for example, if Transformers Animated had used THIS script as their opener for the show) then I can totally see this being successful as a small-screen opener.

    ...but it's not a film. The dialogue is very straightforward, very stale. In fact, I feel like it's more stale than the 2007 TF film. The characters are just about at the same level of dynamic development as those in the Bay film, but their lack of dialogue makes them even less interesting. The Bay film had a bit of witty back-and-forths between the humans, some between the robots. This script, on the other hand, just delivers the story, delivers the characters, delivers the plot, etc. without keeping me very suprised or intrigued.

    Truth be told, I read all the way through and, while I do think that this would be great if you were launching a new cartoon show, I don't feel that it's film-worthy.
     
  18. nkelsch

    nkelsch Do you know this Icon? TFW2005 Supporter

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    If we didn't have a flourishing American TF show right now and were still eating regurgitated japanese dubs then I would HIGHLY support this being a DVD animated release for the American audience.

    I think this sentence a good summary for all the people who are going to TLDR.
     
  19. Thundercrackah

    Thundercrackah Well-Known Member

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    It wasn't bad, if treated as a stereotypical message board fanfic.
    But as a movie script? No.

    It felt like several G1 episodes glued poorly together storywise and was extremely corny in parts, moreso than anything in Bay's movie, even peeing robots.

    There's a few nice little touches here and there I'll give you that but overall it was a predictable and somewhat boring story.

    So in conclusion, no your effort would not have made a better movie than Orci and Kurtzman's script. It would have been considerably worse and alienated a large percentage of the audience who went to see it.

    It works as a fanfic and like others have said maybe a extended G1 episode (or 3 parter) but nothing more.

    It was a nice try but next time (probably when the sequel rolls around) you really shouldn't go around running your mouth.

    Anyways I've read worse, alot worse. It was worth taking you off ignore temporarily to read it. Thanks.
     
  20. Draven

    Draven Banned

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    Agreed.
    Agreed again. However I don't think anyone should TLDR this one; Conceptron actually did deliver his script, and I think it deserves to be read.
     

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