Any really good jokes?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Rusty24, Oct 16, 2011.

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  1. Rusty24

    Rusty24 Well-Known Member

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    Hey does anyone have a really funny joke to tell. The only thing that I ask is that you keep the jokes down to a PG-13/PG level.
     
  2. Haloid1177

    Haloid1177 Hey, That's Pretty Good

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    With that rating system, I have none.
     
  3. Rusty24

    Rusty24 Well-Known Member

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    I'm not saying they can't be completely inappropriate, but I don't like to say the f word a lot and I think that elaborating on jokes about the human genitalia can come off as rude sometimes.
     
  4. Lazerwave

    Lazerwave My Most Prized Treasure

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    This is a joke I told my family that I heard in a cartoon. I didn't think it was funny, but my family did.

    Doctor: I have bad news and worst news.

    Paitent: Oh dear, What's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Paitent: That teribble, But how could the other news possibly be worst?

    Doctor: Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.
     
  5. 3.8TransAM

    3.8TransAM 1989 Turbo Trans AM

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    Please see Rule 3
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2011
  6. 3.8TransAM

    3.8TransAM 1989 Turbo Trans AM

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    I heard it about 2 weeks ago and it made me laugh so passing it on
     
  7. Dran0n

    Dran0n Junk male

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    Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

    BOOM!
     
  8. LegendAntihero

    LegendAntihero Banned

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    I go to Mexicanjokes.net whenever I'm in need of a good laugh.
     
  9. Optimus1138

    Optimus1138 Minecraft Addict

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    Here are a few I've seen on the Interwebs, mostly on TV Tropes (a lot of them are lawyer jokes; I don't actually mean it, so don't be offended):

    A disgruntled looking man walks into a bar, orders a beer, and sits down. He says, to no one in particular, "Man, lawyers are such @$$holes." A guy next to him says "Hey, I take offense to that!" "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an @$$hole!"

    If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

    A Muslim, a Christian, and an atheist walk into a bar. One of them says, "Wow, this feels like the setup for a bad joke!"

    There is a plane that has engine trouble, and is going to crash. There are a total of five people on board: The pilot, a priest, a lawyer, a doctor, and a college student. However, there are only four parachutes. The pilot takes one and jumps off. The doctor says, "I save countless lives daily. I should live." He takes one and jumps off. The lawyer says, "I'm really important. I should live." He takes one and jumps off. The priest says, "Son, I've lived a long and good life, whereas you're young, and have your whole life ahead of you. You should get the last parachute." The student replies, "That's okay. The lawyer took my backpack."

    An old, highly respected Catholic priest is dying, and as he is on his deathbed, he asks for two lawyers to be brought to him. When they get there, one of them says, "We're deeply honored that you asked to see us. But why did you choose us, of all people?" The priest responds, "Jesus died with a thief and liar on either side of him. I wish to go out in the same fashion."

    A little boy goes to a cemetery with his mother, because his father has just died. As they are leaving, he says, "Mommy, do they bury multiple people in the same grave?" She says, "Not that I know of. Why?" "I saw a tombstone that said, "Here lies a lawyer and a good man."

    A lawyer goes into the country, meets a pretty girl there, and sleeps with her. A month later, he gets a letter from her saying that she was pregnant. He politely proposes to her, figuring that for her family's honor, they would want her to be married to the man who fathered her child. She responds, "Thanks for being thoughtful about our honor, but we all talked about it, and decided that we'd rather have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

    How many medical officers does it take to change a lightbulb? Dammit, they're doctors, not electricians!

    How many lightbulbs does it take to change a Soviet Russian?
     
  10. Aernaroth

    Aernaroth <b><font color=blue>I voted for Super_Megatron and Veteran

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    What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
     
  11. Overlord Balder

    Overlord Balder Voices Slugslinger!

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    A child and his grandmother, I have lots of those [sort of Black Humour]:

    Child - "Grandma, granpa is limping."
    Grandma - "Then shoot it again, Idiot."

    Child - "But I don't want to meet Grandpa!"
    Grandma - "Just keep digging boy."

    Child - "Grandma, why am I limping?"
    Grandma - "Shut up or I'll cut your other leg."

    Child - "Grandma, a man just tried to shoot me!"
    Grandma - "So, you met your father..."
     
  12. Lazerwave

    Lazerwave My Most Prized Treasure

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    :lol ...

    I don't get it:confused: .
     
  13. Nachtsider

    Nachtsider Banned

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    One of my favorite jokes of all time follows. It's a funny story from my old country that dates from around the turn of the century. You might have heard variations of it, but this is the original.

    An eminent but arrogant scholar, bored to tears by the long train journey, decides to amuse himself to kill the boredom. He wakes up the illiterate farmer sleeping next to him and challenges him to a wager of wit.

    "Let's ask each other riddles, puzzles and other questions - the most difficult we can think of. Any inability to answer will result in a monetary penalty. I'll even be nice, in light of my obvious intellectual superiority. You can start first, and you need only give me ten copper coins for any question of mine you can't answer. I, on the other hand, will pay you ten gold coins for any of yours I can't, " says the scholar.

    "Okay," says the farmer. "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

    The scholar puzzles the riddle over for a long time before finally giving up in despair. He gives the farmer ten gold coins, and the farmer goes back to sleep. Not long afterward, the scholar wakes him up again.

    "I beg of you - what was the answer to that question?" pleads the scholar. "I will never, ever rest easy without knowing it. My sense of academic pride and desire for knowledge demand it!"

    The farmer doesn't answer. He merely gives the scholar ten copper coins, and goes back to sleep.
     
  14. Inikalord

    Inikalord Legal Binding Contracts

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    A man and his pet Giraffe walk into a bar.

    They sit down and order a few drinks. Hours later the Giraffe collapses from too many drinks and the owner decides to leave.

    The bartender see's the Giraffe and calls out "Hey buddy! Don't leave that lying there!" he says as he points to the Giraffe.

    The owner looks back and says "That's not a Lion, that's a Giraffe!"


    Just an old joke my Father told me a long time ago.
     
  15. Lazerwave

    Lazerwave My Most Prized Treasure

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    :lolol :lolol :lolol :lolol :lolol :lolol :lolol :lolol 

    Nice one!
     
  16. Tigertrack

    Tigertrack Back In The Game!

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    What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated!

    I've got another one, but I think its too soon to tell it. :( 
     
  17. Haloid1177

    Haloid1177 Hey, That's Pretty Good

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    No discussion of Politics

    This one is stolen from Dran0n, but he didn't say it:

    I wonder if Steve Jobs' life flashed before his eyes. (Only true technology nerds will get that one.)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2011
  18. seali_me

    seali_me Well-Known Member

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    how come man was only created on the 7th day?
    he burnt the first try.
    the second was rare.
    on the third try on the 7th day, perfection. golden brown.
     
  19. Jetcracker54

    Jetcracker54 Fire Truck

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    a man goes to a native american(im native american i can make this joke) to buy a horse
    and the man says this horse looks good and the native american says yes but he no look good the man comes back a week later and says whats wrong with this horse i hooked him up to my plow and he ran into trees and my fence the native american replies i told you he no look good
     
  20. seali_me

    seali_me Well-Known Member

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    A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

    "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

    "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade mate."



    telephone call and filipina maid

    *riing! riiing!*
    Her boss: Answer the phone!
    Maid: Hello? Hello? Sir no ones answering. Hello?
    Her boss: Damn it!! you have it upside down!
    Maid: Ay! Low He Low He? Low He?
    Her boss: Shit!.. I mean the phone!!
    Maid: Pown Tele Pown Tele?? Still nothing, sir..
    Her boss: sigh.


    A Filipino man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

    He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

    "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"

    "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
     
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