I get the thought it's not my child is potentially real, but it's a very small chance at that. I saw or heard of basically no male visitors/acquaintances during our relationship. I met her parents who she lives with who might have reason to intervene if they believed there was one. No one approached me outside of my brother who told me through his friends he discovered a past history with drug use which she confirmed before he even approached me. I believed that it was in the past. I let that go because everyone has some ugliness in their past and it would be hypocritical of me to hold that against her. Yeah, that might have bearing, but so does her ADHD. It's a matter of lines to cross and when if necessary. I don't plan to make those things legal points unless it becomes something I have to do.

 

Lawyer up, seems to be the consensus here. I hate seeing abortion even mentioned, kid can't help the circumstances of its conception.

 

I have to agree with Grayman, get a lawyer and establish if your the father, if you are establish your interest in the child and protect your parental rights.

If your not get the fark away from that woman.

 

this is angry man talk. Don't allow yourself to think like this, don't even consider it unless faced with overwhelming evidence that that's indeed the case. Over the years I've known a few guys to become consumed with thoughts like this, and it's not a good look. 90% of the time it's projection, because if you're driven by hate, you assume that's what motivates other people's behaviour.

Proceed in good faith. Protect your own interests, but do the best you can to prevent ugly situations. Put the child first. Wish them well, make enquiries, offer whatever assistance you can. Sounds like you've been reasonable so far, keep that up for as long as it makes sense.

have you asked her parents about the current situation? Ask to be kept informed about how things are progressing. I'd also want to know what, if anything, prompted the pseudo-restraining order letter, but that'd be a secondary concern. If you don't know what exactly it is you did, something like that can be truly baffling. Main thing is you don't want to be out of the loop about any new developments.

 

I'm considering calling the house just to talk to her parents. Odds are I might get her on the phone too unexpectedly as she isn't working right now. In any event, my line of questions and personal emphasis on the attitude I have to maintain would be the same.

 

If she has a restraining order, contacting her parents to get to her would be an exceedingly bad idea. Communicate to her through your legal counsel.

 

A lot of people in this thread got the right idea.

Get a lawyer, lawyer up and push for visitation/rights to have the child and/or a DNA test.

 

Whoa, whoa. That was not "angry man" talk. I've personally witnessed this kind of thing, first hand. Not all situations of this type play out like that, but they can and do at least some of the time. To act like it's not possible, to not prepare for the possibility, is a terrible idea.

Speaking to her parents is a terrible idea. They're going to back her because she's their child. Chances are they're in on the letter's conception, or at least will stand behind her on it. With a restraining order of sorts in effect, calling to speak with anyone in the house is a bad, bad idea. This is where the legal aspect comes into play. Lawyers, with a steady head and detachment as a 3rd party should handle this.

Besides, we don't even know if this is his kid, if it isn't this could be seen as harassment. He needs less trouble, not more.

See, this bothers me. People have been giving you solid advice and you're not listening to us. I have to wonder if her request for a restraining order is legit, now. You don't even know if it's your child yet and you want to call their house and speak with them, hopefully talk to her. She wants nothing to do with you, she made that clear. Do the right thing, respect her wishes and let the court handle it. All you're doing is making yourself out to be the enemy and she'll be able to use it to her advantage. After reading this, I'm not sure that she shouldn't.

Thank you. Someone with sense. Listen to this man. Listen, please.

This, this and more of this.

Everyone here knows this is going to end bad, right? He's not going to listen and it's going to go sideways, fast.

 

I'm glad someone beat me to saying this! If the POLICE have been involved, even just to tell you to avoid the home...though it sure as heck SOUNDS like a restraining order you NEED TO GET A LAWYER AND *ALL* COMMUNICATION SHOULD BE DONE THROUGH HIM / HER...otherwise you risk more legal issues and it will look bad on you when you eventually get to court.

Do not try to talk to her, do not try and talk to her parents....odds are her parents are just as pivotal in pulling the police into this as she is.

 

According to Repainted, not an actual restraining order, just a request.

Now there may be important facts Repainted is leaving out, but taking him at his word, assuming he's acted in good faith, assuming he's capable of restraint, I don't see any explosive issue here. Now maybe if he's some threatening hothead, prone to shouting arguments and all that, then yeah, it might be better to have representation handle things. But I'm assuming he isn't, because that wasn't the impression I got.

Now maybe I'm coming from a slightly different background here, but in my experience, sometimes people can actually reach agreements in a civilised manner, without resorting to intimidation or lawyers. Granted, it's a major red flag when someone actually gets police involved. That might be a bad sign for how things will unfold, or maybe it'll turn out to be more insignificant than that.

I don't think it's unusual to go through a third party to try to get answers on a situation. I've been put in that position myself, where I've been asked to be a go-between when there've been tensions between family members, and friends, when communication broke down. Sometimes you get asked what's up with so and so, and you have to explain that they're just like that, or that there's personal problems. This isn't stalking. There's nothing inherently threatening about a letter or a phone call. So long as you don't say things that can be used against you.

I have an uncle whose wife abducted his child to another country, the only way he has been able to maintain contact is through his wife's parents.

I also wouldn't automatically assume that a person's parents will naturally take their side of the story. That was not the situation between my grandmother and my mother, another story altogether. Which is not to say that it's going to be the case with most people, for all we know they may have put her up to it.

 

And this is another very harsh truth:

Most single childless women don't want a man that has had a child with another woman. Reason is, you are going to be tapped out of money paying child support for the next 18 years, the child isn't going to respect the potential stepmother once they turn teenager, and most childed men have their wife dead last in importance after the child, baby mama and himself. Plus most men love to shove their kids onto their new girlfriend for a free babysitter, making her do all of the work while he gets to goof off and demand sex.

If I were you I'd get a lawyer and make sure this baby is actually yours. Otherwise you might want to get used to being celibate for the next couple years, because childed men are poison in the dating pool.

 

Normally, I don't make significant ground on the social scene anyway. I've had some girlfriends and had discussions of parenthood, but this is by far the most significant development. I plan to see a test done even though she once claimed to me "I'm no hussy!" I'm going to try and consult with a local attorney next Monday when I'm off work again. I'm also still thinking of the call to her folks and what they'd respond with. I'm just trying to get answers and be able to say to a lawyer or judge, "I tried getting in touch through all these avenues." I really don't believe it to be a restraining order because those words have not come up in either the call I had with the authorities or from her. She knows I haven't been to her place in 2 months which I believe is why that it isn't in fact an official restraining order but a warning only. If so, I probably would have been visited in person by the authorities or ordered to the police station for me to be formally issued.

 

I was wondering about the authenticity of the restraining order. Surely it would be an easy thing to check, call up your local law enforcement and ask them if there's is one out there for you and her. Surely the piece of paper you've been given has some sort of legal reference number?

 

The papers I have are just the same short letter threatening to call the authorities on me if I go to her house plus her signature. Both were typed up and printed. Basically the same way I do mine as my handwriting naturally sucks.

 

So not a restraining order. I would call the local law enforcement authorities anyway, speak to a specific officer and lay out the situation to them, about how you believe you're the father and what your options are.

That way if things do go south... (souther?) you've already begun a dialog with the law.

 

OPTIONS / SUGGESTIONS

1)

Lawyer up.

Understand that anything regarding custody is a fight. You don't go to a gun fight with a knife. You don't go into this on your own / without a damn good lawyer. There are firms that specialize in custody cases and a few that specialize in defending husbands/fathers.

2)

Think about her side of things and accept this for what it is.

She doesn't want you around and is cutting all ties pretty strongly. No updates, no contact, etc... A few things to consider. It could be someone else's child and she is going to be updating THEM on this. If this is the case, she probably feels embarrassed as hell admitting it to you - even moreso if she was with someone else around that time and doesn't know who the father is (Nobody wants to be a Maury Povich stereotype). The drug use, if continuing, complicates and embarrasses further.

It could be that she had an abortion during the no communication/restraining order period and wants to be done with this. When I was in 11th grade, I had a girlfriend that I dumped after a few weeks of dating tell me that she was pregnant. I freaked out, like any 17 year old would, and then she disappeared for a week and came back noting she had a miscarriage. I believed then and still do that my strong "I don't want a kid" reaction led her to get an abortion, which kept me very depressed in my senior year, because I would have manned up and raised the child and she never talked to me about it outside of the night she sprang it on me. She Facebook messaged me out of nowhere a few years ago noting the pictures of my daughters and saying "I thought you didn't want kids until you were 30?" That she's noted my original desire to remain childless 7 years later adds to my suspicions about her 'miscarriage' (dated her in 2003, spoke to her on FB in 2010)

----POINT BEING ----

Your ex might have gotten spooked (like I was). It might have been too much for her to handle. She dated someone for four months and was going to have a kid!?!? Think about that, it's frightening regardless of the people involved. Add a history of drug use, her ADHD, and a growing uncertainty with you as a partner (which you note). It's overwhelming and she might be trying to go clean slate in order to move on.

3)

Learn from this

As has been noted, it's not wise or 'mature' to jump into a relationship head first and move so quickly. There's a reason people usually date for a while before marriage or kids. There's that "happy, loving, high on the chemical reaction" period when people first meet. The sex is the most intense it'll be. You can't keep your hands off of each other. The other person is "perfect" and completely completes the incomplete hole in your life. Then the high wears down, you see people for who they are, and you have to decide whether you will accept it or do something about it. It sounds like the high wore off, your ex saw the incompatibility, and ran for the hills to become a single mom or get an abortion. you note her demands for change and unhappy trip to Botcon. Those sound like examples of trying to cope or deal with the situation they're stuck in.

4)

Move on.

You can move on too. If she doesn't want to update you or give you a role in your child's life....don't fight it and move on to bigger, better things without child support payments. Use this as a turning point that brings you back to college or to the gym or whatever else that could bring some positive change into your life. Fix yourself, so that you're not trying to fix a void inside by rushing to start a family. Be happy as a solo act and then find yourself someone new. Take it slow, do it right, and have your family EVENTUALLY. As others said, child support and limited custody will further hurt your dating chances.

 

My advice? Don't take advice from the total strangers on the Interwebz.

 

I disagree, he should take EVERYONE'S advice, in sequence.

 

1) Lawyer

2) DNA test (arranged through your lawyer)

Seriously. Don't call, don't communicate directly.

Lawyer. Period.

 

No problem.

One thing I would also do is not offer to pay any child support until you ARE proven to be the father. Once you start paying paying child support (even if the child turns out to not be yours) the state could order you to keep paying because you will have taken on the role of providing 'father.' Not only will you be paying for someone else's kid, but you will be on the hook for the next eighteen years.

Plus, and this is another part I wanted to make, that if you were to get married with a working wife (or possibly even stay long term with a working girlfriend) they could factor this into your child support payments, increasing them until you pretty much relying on her income alone, since you will be heavily tapped out. Men have barely any rights in this area, and it potentially affects your significant other.

Lastly, and this is VERY important: You must look beyond the 'Kodak moments before making a child. Most people only think of cute babies with stars in their eyes, never thinking long and hard about the chance of it being born disabled (could you handle a screaming severely autistic child?) or mentally ill. These don't show up on tests, they can be very hard. Also most potential parents only want the child because it's for themselves (did you want a baby to 'pass on your genes?' Or your 'lineage?') or because they want a mini-me. They have already given the child a job before it's even born, never thinking that this places undo pressure on the child to conform to what the adult wants. Sometimes the parent has them to 'look after them when they are old. Will a child want to be born solely to be wiping a parent's ass when they get decrepit? They just stick them in a nursing home, because they can't oftentimes deal with it. The potential parent never thinks they might end up not getting on with the kids, they might even be distant or estranged, something the potential parent never thinks of when they think about having them.

I am harsh, because often times potential parents often jump into this making a baby thing without even thinking of the consequences. They think "Oh I can swing it, babies make everything better!' when in reality the parents can't handle them. They either break up or divorce, or use the kid as an emotional or physical punching bag. I am hoping you think long and hard before making another with some other lady (should you meet one) because kids aren't something light and cuddly to create on a whim.